Ever Heard This? Over Three Hundred Good Stories

by F. W. Chambers

CHAPS

A pretty girl was complaining to a young Quaker that she was dreadfully troubled by chaps on her lips. "Friend Mary!" replied the Quaker, "thou shouldst not permit the chaps to come so near the lips."

[TWINS]

A farmer became the father of twins and on learning the news he was so delighted that he hurried to the nearest post-office and sent this telegram to his sister-in-law.

"Twins to-day. More to-morrow."

[A NATURAL OBJECTION]

The Daylight Saving Bill has its detractors as well as its advocates. Of the former it is said that milkmen are the chief, but as Jones said to William: "It's but natural. A milkman would pour cold water on anything."

[BADLY PUT]

A doctor of eminence was called up on the telephone by an anxious lady. "Are you a baby specialist?" he was asked.

"No," was the reply, "I'm a full-grown man."

[A DOUBTFUL MARKET]

A boy in an office was dissatisfied with his prospects and gave notice. "You are making a mistake," said his employer, "you will do better to remain here. Remember, a rolling stone gathers no moss."

"Who wants moss?" replied the youth. "Where's the market for it, I should like to know?"

[SEQUENCES]

An old gentleman engaged a footman, and having instructed him in his duties asked him if he understood sequences.

"I don't know, sir," replied the man; "will you please explain?"

"Why," he said, "when I ask you to lay the cloth, you are to put the knives, forks, salt, etc., on the table."

"Oh, sir," replied the footman, "if that's all, no doubt I shall please you."

His master, being ill one morning, ordered him to fetch a nurse with all speed. He did not return until late at night, and on being reproached explained the delay by telling that he went and found the nurse who was below; the sequences of a nurse, he thought, were a chemist, a doctor, a surgeon, and an undertaker; and he had asked them all to attend--in fact they were now waiting below.

[TWO POINTS OF VIEW]

A lawyer travelling by the Great Western to his circuit, wished to be alone in order to study a brief, and having for his single companion a mild clergyman, he got rid of him by affecting insanity. This he did so naturally that all the clergyman's efforts, after the first quarter of an hour, were directed to soothe and conciliate his fellow-passenger. As they passed the great Middlesex Asylum, he observed, like a nurse with a fractious child, "How pretty Hanwell looks from the railway." "Ah," answered the lawyer, with a slight bark, "you should see how the railway looks from Hanwell." At the next station the divine got out precipitately, and left the lawyer to himself.

[A CANNIBAL]

Willie had reached the tender and somewhat difficult age of six when his uncle Edward came on a visit. His first conversation proved rather trying.

"Uncle, you must be a sort o' cannibal.

"A what, sir? What d'yer mean, sir?" returned the uncle.

"'Cause mamma said you was always livin' on somebody!"

[TO LET--UNFURNISHED]

When it was suggested that the squire's son should enter Parliament he was asked which side he would take. The young man replied that he would vote with those who had the most to offer him, and that he should wear on his forehead a label "To Let." "Do, Tom," commented his father, "and write underneath those words 'unfurnished.'"

[A FRIEND OF SATAN]

A clergyman who was an enthusiastic geologist always carried his specimens about in a handkerchief such as navvies use to carry their dinners in. One day, as he was returning home with the handkerchief full of specimens, he saw a navvy seated at the top of a well swearing vigorously because he could not make the windlass work.

"My friend," said the clergyman gravely, "do you know Satan?"

"Satan," said the man; "who's he? Wait a moment, sir," he added, "I'll ask my mate. Bill," he called, "do you know Satan?"

The answer came from down the well: "No. Why?"

"Well," said the one at the top, eyeing the handkerchief, "there's a bloke up here wot's got his dinner!"

[THE TEDDY BEAR]

A little girl received a present of a Teddy Bear. Unfortunately one of its eyes was injured in the post. Asked what name she had given it, the child said, "I call it Gladly, because I read in a book the other day, 'Gladly my cross I'd bear.'"

[BROTHERLY LOVE]

"Ah!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been preaching to a congregation of asses." "Was that the reason why you always called them beloved brethren?" a lady inquired.

[CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES]

On his removal to Bath after his retirement, Quin, the actor, found himself extravagantly charged for everything, and at the end of the week complained of this to Beau Nash, saying that he had invited him to Bath as being the cheapest place in England for a man of taste and a bon vivant. Nash, himself no mean utterer of wit, replied saying that his townsmen had acted upon truly Christian principles. "How so?" demanded Quin. "Why!" concluded the Beau, "you were a stranger and they took you in."

[MULTIPLICATION]

The little boy was discovered in front of the rabbit-hutch with a perplexed frown on his forehead. "What's twice two?" he shouted. No response. "What's twice two?" he repeated. "There, I knew teacher was wrong when he said rabbits multiply quickly."

[A BIBLICAL STORY]

A clergyman during his first curacy found the ladies of the parish too helpful. He soon left the place. Some while later he met his successor. "How are you getting on with the ladies?" asked the escaped curate. "Oh, very well," was the answer, "there's safety in numbers." "I found it in Exodus," was the reply.

[THE THOUGHTFUL MAID]

"Bridget," said the mistress in a reproving tone of voice, "breakfast is very late this morning. I noticed last night that you had company in the kitchen, and it was nearly twelve o'clock when you went to bed."

"It was, ma'am," admitted Bridget. "I knew you was awake, for I heard ye movin' about; an' I said to meself ye'd need sleep this mornin', an' I wouldn't disturb ye wid an early breakfast, ma'am."

[HEMP]

Two "nuts" were passing a field where a labourer was sowing. "Well, old man," said one of them to him, "it's your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour." To which the countryman replied, "'Tis very likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp."

[GOOD ADVICE]

"George," said the farmer half-way through the first banquet in which his son took part, "be careful of the drink. When you see those two lights at the end of the room appear to be four, you may be sure you have had enough, and stop." "But, father," replied the interested son, "I see only one light at present."

[CHANGE AND REST]

Bishop Creighton used to tell a story of the ready wit of Magee, his predecessor in the see of Peterborough. Magee had been staying at some country place, and on his leaving, the innkeeper had presented an extortionate bill, at the same time expressing the hope that his visitor had had change and rest. "No, indeed," was Magee's reply, "the waiter has got the change and you have got the rest."

[THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM]

A young recruit was somewhat perturbed regarding a regulation about which his comrades had told him. "If you please, sergeant," he said, "the other fellows say I've got to grow a moustache." "Oh, there's no compulsion about growing a moustache, my lad; but you mustn't shave your upper lip," was the reply.

[THE WAY TO YORK]

A traveller, lost on a Yorkshire moor, met a member of a shrewd and plain-speaking sect. "This is the way to York, is it not?" said the traveller. To which the other replied, "Friend, first thou tellest me a lie, and then thou askest me a question."

[THE WAY TO DO IT]

A gentleman, having a light sovereign which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and asked him to pass it. At night he asked him if he had got rid of the coin. "Yes, sir," replied the man, "but I was forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, at a cinema where the admission was threepence, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put it in his pocket and never saw it."

[LOT AND THE FLEA]

"Children," said the Sunday school superintendent, "this picture illustrates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here is Lot and his daughters, with his wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now has any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the lesson? Well, Susie?"

"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant class, "where ith the flea?"

[WHIST]

Dr. Parr was very fond of whist and very impatient of any want of skill on the part of those with whom he was playing. Taking a hand with three poor players he was asked by a friend how he was getting on, and replied with cutting sarcasm, "Pretty well, considering that I have three adversaries."

[A NEW PRESCRIPTION]

An American doctor being called upon to prescribe for a child, whose ailment was not clear to him, said to the nurse, "I'll give the little cuss a powder, then it'll have a fit, and I'm a dab at fits."

[JACOB'S LADDER]

A clergyman had preached on the subject of Jacob's ladder, and his son, who was present, was much impressed. A few days later he told his father that he had dreamed about his father's discourse. "And what did you see, my son?" "I dreamt," replied the boy, "that I saw a ladder reaching from the ground up into the clouds. At the foot of the ladder were many pieces of chalk and no one was allowed to ascend without taking a piece for the purpose of placing a mark on each rung for each sin committed." "Very interesting, my boy, and what else?" "Well, father, I thought I would go up and I marked the rungs as I went, but I hadn't got very far when I heard someone coming down." "Yes," said the father, "and who was that?" "You, father," replied the boy. "I, whatever was I coming down for?" "More chalk," was the reply.

[A PORTRAIT]

A photographer went with a friend to an exhibition of paintings. The latter called his attention to a portrait of an angular lady in evening dress. "Ha," he exclaimed in professional tones, "over-exposed and underdeveloped."

[BLOATERS]

"If a bloater and a half cost three ha'pence, what would thirteen cost?" Tommy did not know and was sent into an adjoining classroom to work out the problem. The boy was very quiet, and on looking to see what he was doing the master discovered him before a blackboard covered with figures. "How are you getting on, Tommy?" he asked. "What was the question, sir?" he replied. "If a bloater and a half----" "Oh, bloaters--I've been working it out in kippers!"

[A CONVENIENCE]

During a cross-examination an undertaker produced his business card, on which was a telegraphic address. He was asked why the latter should be necessary.

"Oh," interposed the judge, "I suppose it is for the convenience of people who want to be buried in a hurry."

[THE PRAYER MEETING]

A clergyman met a parishioner of dissolute habits. "I was surprised but very glad to see you at the prayer meeting last evening," he said. "So that's where I was!" replied the man.

[TAKING TIME]

An old negro was taken ill, and called in a physician of his own race. After a time, as there were no signs of improvement, he asked for a white doctor. Soon after arriving, the doctor felt the old man's pulse, and then examined his tongue. "Did your other doctor take your temperature?" he asked. "I don't know, boss," replied the ailing negro, "I hain't missed nothing but my watch as yet."

[KING'S EVIDENCE]

When Whitfield first went to America, observing, during his voyage, the dissolute manners of the crew, he invited them to one of his pious declamations, and took occasion to reprehend them for their loose manner of living. "You will certainly," says he, "go to hell. Perhaps you may think I will be an advocate for you; but, believe me, I will tell of all your wicked actions." Upon this one of the sailors, turning to his messmate, observed, "Ay, Jack, that's just the way at the Old Bailey; the greatest rogue always turns king's evidence."

[A PLEASANT PROSPECT]

"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?" asked the enfant terrible.

"Yes, my dear, if you're good."

[BALAAM'S SWORD]

A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, produced, among many other curiosities, a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is a sword with which Balaam was going to kill his ass." One of the company observed that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one. "You are right," replied the student, "and this is the very sword he wished for."

[THE HONORARIUM]

The local Council had decided that in consequence of untiring and devoted service they would grant an honorarium to one of their staff.

One of the oldest and most energetic members rose to speak in favour of the presentation, but expressed his opinion that the Council certainly ought to ascertain first whether the young man could play the instrument.

[MANNERS]

A well-known cleric came to a stile occupied by a farm lad, who was eating his bread and bacon luncheon. The boy making no attempt to allow his reverence to pass, was told that he seemed to be "better fed than taught." "Very likely," answered the lad, "for ye teaches Oi, but Oi feeds meself."

[SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING]

A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities than those who remained at home. "Oh, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for the honour of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding." "Then," said she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled."

[THE AVERAGE EGG]

The teacher asked the arithmetic class: "What is the meaning of the word average?" A small boy replied: "It's a thing that hens lay eggs on." "Why?" "Because I've read that a hen lays an egg on an average once a day."

[FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE]

A gentleman was one day relating to a Quaker a tale of deep distress, and concluded very pathetically by saying, "I could not but feel for him." "Verily, friend," replied the Quaker, "thou didst right in that thou didst feel for thy neighbour; but didst thou feel in the right place--didst thou feel in thy pocket?"

[THE G.O.M.]

A clergyman calling at Hawarden, while Mr. Gladstone still held the reins, Mrs. Gladstone entertained him, till her husband, who was upstairs writing, was disengaged. The minister lamented the terrible state of affairs in Ireland and elsewhere, but added consolingly, "There is One above us who will set all right." "Oh, yes," exclaimed Mrs. G., "he'll be down directly."

[A NEAT RETORT]

A member of a celebrated theatrical family made his first appearance on the operatic stage. His voice, however, was so bad that the conductor of the orchestra called out to him at rehearsal: "Mr. Kemble, Mr. Kemble, you are murdering the music." "My dear Sir," came the retort, "it is far better to murder it outright than to keep on beating it as you do."

[A SYDNEY SMITH STORY]

To a country squire, who having been worsted in an argument with his rector, remarked, "If I had a son who was an idiot, by Jove! I'd make him a parson," Sydney Smith quietly replied, "I see that your father was of a different mind."

[A COMMON DIFFICULTY]

A man who had a large family, and but very moderate means to support them, was lamenting to an acquaintance of no family and a large fortune how difficult it was to make both ends meet. "We should not repine," replied his friend; "He that sends mouths, sends food." "That I do not deny," replied the other; "only permit me to observe, He has sent me the mouths, and you the food."

[MARY JONES]

The Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon service, was trying to interest the children in the Burial Service.

He was dealing with the part which speaks of the changing of the earthly body: but found several of his audience busily engaged in conversation.

Determined to secure better attention if possible, he asked the following question, "And now, Mary Jones, who made your vile body?" To which came the ready answer, "Please, sir, mother did, and I made the skirt."

[DONALD COMPLIED]

A gentleman having an estate in the Highlands advertised the shootings to let, and told his gamekeeper, Donald, to praise the place for all it was worth.

An Englishman, inquiring of Donald as to how it was stocked with game, first asked if it had any deer.

Donald's reply was, "Thoosands of them."

"Any grouse?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any partridges?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

"Any woodcock?"

"Thoosands of them, too."

The Englishman, thinking Donald was drawing the long bow, asked if there were any gorillas. Donald drew himself up.

"Well, they are no' so plentifu'; they jist come occasionally, noo and again, like yoursel'."

[VEGETARIANISM]

It is related of a coachman that his medical adviser prescribed animal food as the best means of restoring health and activity. "Patrick," said he, "you're run down a bit, that's all. What you need is animal food." Remembering his case a few days afterwards, he called upon Pat at his stable. "Well, Pat," he asked, "how are you getting on with the treatment?" "Oh, shure, sir," Pat replied, "Oi manage all right with the grain and oats, but it's mighty hard with the chopped hay."

[FELLOW-FEELING]

A doctor, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct that the latter was constrained to say: "Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, and that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours."

[JONAH AND THE WHALE]

"I cannot conceive how Jonah could live in the stomach of a whale," someone said to Father Healy one day.

"Oh, that's nothing," was the reply, "I saw a friend coming out of a fly this morning."

[WHOLLY GOOD]

At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, "I think if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired effect--she immediately sat down. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother! how could you say what was not the fact." "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on."

["CAREFUL, NOW!"]

"How is it, Mary, that whenever I enter the kitchen I always find a man there?" enquired a mistress.

"I don't know, ma'am, indeed, unless it be them there soft shoes ye wears, that don't make no noise," replied Mary.

[SAFETY]

An English gentleman, travelling through the county of Kilkenny, came to a ford, and hired a boat to take him across. The water being rather more agitated than was agreeable to him, he asked the boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage! "Never," replied Terence; "never. My brother was drowned here last week; but we found him again the next day."

[O'BRIEN THE LUCID]

"You are not opaque, are you?" sarcastically asked one man of another who was standing in front of him at the theatre. "Faith, an' Oi'm not," replied the other. "It's O'Brien that Oi am."

[MERCY]

An old woman walking down the church aisle during service in a large red cloak, heard the minister say, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" then the clerk repeated, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" and then the whole congregation echoed, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" "Bless my heart!" cried she, stopping short, "did ye never see an old woman in a red cloak before."

[A BULL]

"Pat, can you tell me what is an Irish 'bull'?" asked an inquiring tourist. "Well, if your honour has seen four cows lying down in a field, an' one of them standing up, that 'ud be a bull!" retorted Pat triumphantly.

[A GOOD REASON]

"That's a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes, and he never cries," replied the old lady. "That's because he's never washed," rejoined the youngster.

[THE ARREST]

"Now, Pat," said a magistrate sympathetically to an "old offender," "what brought you here again?" "Two policemen, sor," was the laconic reply. "Drunk, I suppose?" queried the magistrate. "Yes, sor," said Pat, without relaxing a muscle, "both av them."

[CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM]

"As you are well up in biblical points, will you tell us the difference between the cherubim and seraphim?" Father Healy was once asked.

"Well, I believe there was a difference between them a long time ago, but they have since made it up."

[SOLITUDE]

An amusing anecdote is told by Schopenhauer in support of his theory of the ridiculous. One man said to another, "I am very fond of taking long walks by myself." "So am I," said the other; "our tastes are congenial, so let us take long walks together."

[A QUESTION OF NUMBERS]

A nursery-maid was leading a little child up and down a garden. "Is't a laddie or a lassie?" asked the gardener. "A laddie," said the maid. "Weel," said he, "I'm glad o' that, for there's ower mony women in the world." "Heck, mon," said Jess, "did ye no ken there's ay maist sown o' the best crop?"

[AMERICAN POULTRY]

A wealthy Irish-American was proud of the opportunity to do the honours and "show off" on the occasion of a visit to New York of one of his compatriots from the "Ould Counthry." To dazzle him he invited him to dine at one of the most notable and "toniest" of restaurants. "Now, me bhoy," he said, "just you follow my lead, and I'll order everything of the best." Seated at table, the host led off with--"Waiter, fetch a couple of cocktails." His friend gave himself away, however, when he whispered audibly--"Waiter, if ye don't moind, I'd rather have a wing."

[GRACE MAL A PROPOS]

A milliner's apprentice, about to wait upon a duchess, was fearful of committing some error in her deportment. She therefore consulted a friend as to the manner in which she should consult this great personage, and was told that, on going before the duchess, she must say her Grace, and so on. Accordingly, away went the girl, and, on being introduced, after a very low curtsey, she said: "For what I am going to receive, the Lord make me truly thankful." To which the duchess answered: "Amen!"

[THE POOR IDIOT]

A dull preacher in a country church sent all the congregation to sleep, except an idiot, who sat with open mouth, listening. The parson became enraged, and, thumping the pulpit, exclaimed, "What! all asleep but this poor idiot!" "Aye," replied the lad, "and if I had not been a poor idiot, I should have been asleep too."

[A WELSH WIG-GING]

An Englishman and a Welshman were disputing in whose country was the best living. Said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding dinner." "Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man toasted his own cheese."

[FORGIVENESS]

"I intend to pray that you may forgive Casey for having thrown that brick at you," said the parson, when he called to see a man who had been worsted in a mêlée. "Mebbe yer riv'rence 'ud be saving toime if ye'd just wait till Oi git well, an' then pray for Casey," replied the patient.

[AN ODD COMPARISON]

Sir William B----, speaking at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at the two Universities, and at two colleges in each University?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."

[ACOUSTICS]

When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York Buildings, for public orations, he happened at that time to be behindhand in his payments to his workmen; and coming one day among them to see how they were working, he ordered one of them to get into the rostrum and make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard. The fellow mounting and scratching his pate, told him he knew not what to say, for in truth he was no orator. "Oh!" said the knight, "no matter for that, speak any thing that comes uppermost." "Why here, Sir Richard," says the fellow, "we have been working for you these six months, and cannot get one penny of money. Pray, Sir, when do you intend to pay us?" "Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have heard enough; I cannot but own that you speak very distinctly, though I don't much admire your subject."

[SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT]

A boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?" "Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or I'd wring his head off."

[BRIGHT AND SHARP]

A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and vice versa. "What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!" returned the child.

[SOFTNESS]

A lady and gentleman conversing together, the latter observed that he always slept in gloves, because it made his hands so soft. "Do you sleep in your hat, too?" the lady asked.

[AN EASY QUALIFICATION]

Residence in the parish is, of course, required of those who desire their banns to be proclaimed, and an expectant bride and bridegroom must qualify themselves by staying several nights in the parish where such banns are published.

"Do you sleep in the parish?" asked a rector of an intending benedict.

"Yes, sir, I have slept through several of your sermons," was the surprising answer.

[MISER'S CHARITY]

An illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat," but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is nothing to nobody."

[ON TAKING A WIFE]

The great Sheridan, giving his son Tom a lecture, said, "You have been fooling about as a bachelor quite long enough. You ought to settle down and take a wife." Tom innocently asked, "Whose wife shall I take?"

[THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES]

A Bishop, arriving at the end of a railway journey, the porter began collecting his luggage, and said: "How many articles are there, sir?" "Thirty-nine," replied the Bishop imperturbably. The porter hunted round, then said in despair: "There are only fourteen here, sir." "Ah," said the Bishop, smiling, "you are evidently a dissenter."

[THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS]

A good story of the late portly Duchess of Teck was told by Canon Teignmouth Shore. Her Royal Highness was seated at dinner between Shore and another canon when the former said that she must find herself in rather an alarming position:--

"Canon to right of you, Canon to left of you, Volleys and thunders."

"Well," replied the Duchess, "this is the very first time I have been connected with the Light Brigade."

[HOW TO WIN]

"Why is it, Dennis, that you are always fighting with Willie Simpkins? I never hear of you quarrelling with any of the other boys in the neighbourhood." "He's the only one I can lick," answered Dennis.

[PIGS]

The squire rides up to a farmhouse, and, seeing the small son of the farmer outside, asks the youngster where his father is, and gets the following reply: "Father is in yonder field with the pigs. You'll know him--he's got a 'at on!"

[BACON AND THE DEVIL]

A Quaker bought from one Bacon a horse which proved to be unsound. Meeting the seller shortly after he taxed him with bad faith and asked him to take the horse back again. But this he refused to do, and finding his remonstrances in vain the Quaker addressed him thus very calmly, "Friend, thou hast doubtless heard of the devil entering the herd of swine, and I find that he still sticks fast to the bacon. Good morning to thee, friend."

[HINTS TO MOTHERS]

The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the following among his directions for using: "When the baby is done drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under the hydrant. If the baby does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled."

[GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE]

A doctor accustomed to high fees had been attending Garrick, charging two guineas a visit. The patient began to grudge this sum and at length decided to halve it, and on the termination of a visit handed the doctor the fee which he had resolved was sufficient. The physician began looking about him as though in search of something. He was asked if he had lost anything. "Sir," replied the doctor, "I believe I have dropped a guinea." "No, doctor," said the patient with quiet significance, "it is I that have dropped a guinea."

[A SAFE SHOT]

A City gentleman was invited down to the country for "a day with the birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally regulated by the size of the bag. "Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but the birds seem exceptionally strong on the wing this year!" "Not all of them, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird about a dozen times. 'E's a-follering you about, sir." "Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?" "Well, sir," came the reply, "I dunno, I'm sure, unless it's for safety."

[HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION]

It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations of surgeons question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After answering very satisfactorily the numerous enquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration, what would he prescribe? He mentioned many diaphoretic medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus continued, "Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would you take next?" "Why, sir," enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, "I would send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what would."

[DIFFERENCES]

Someone was endeavouring to convince a certain old lady by quotations from Scripture on some point or other. "You see, Madam," said he, "St. Paul in his Epistle to the Ephesians says," and he repeated the passage to her (as he thought, very impressively). "Yes," replied the lady, very collectedly, "I know all about that; but that's just where Paul and I differ!"

[COALS]

During the high price of coals, a gentleman, meeting his coal-merchant, asked whether it was a good time to lay in a stock? The knight of the black diamonds shook his head, saying, "Coals are coals now, sir." To which his customer replied, "I am very glad to hear it, for the last you sent me were all slates."

[MODESTY]

Uncle George gave a children's party. Janet, aged eight, after a silence asked him to help her to some more jam. "Certainly, Janet, but why not help yourself?" The answer came pat, "Because I thought you'd give me more."

[AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK]

Two ladies, sisters, of whom one was a widow and the other with a husband still living in India, called at a house, and on the former leaving, a gentleman offered to escort her to her carriage. But the sisters resembled each other so much that he mistook the widow for the married one, and when she remarked to him, on the way to the door, how very hot it was, he replied, "Yes, but not so hot as where your husband is!"

[MODERN EDUCATION]

Two navvies were arguing on education of the present day.

One was of opinion that it was practically of little use, the other that it was of the greatest value. "Look at my boy Jack," he said, "he can answer any question you like to ask him. Here he comes, bringing my dinner. You ask him anything you like." "Jack," said the other, "your father tells me you are getting on well at school. How many are seven and four?" "Twelve," was the prompt reply.

"There you are," said the proud father, "right, within one, first blooming guess."

[THE RULING PASSION]

One of the chosen people, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-prisoners hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his business, he said, "He waited to see if he could bargain with the hangman for the two shentlemen's clo'."

[EDUCATION]

"Education is a good thing, Tim, an' don't you run it down." "Ever had any of it, Pat?" "Me? Well, I should say yes. I went to night school all one winter." "An' what did you get to show for it, Pat?" "What did I get? I got four overcoats, three hats, and seven umbrellas. Don't you tell me that going to school is a waste of time."

[A LONG GRACE]

A parish minister was in the habit of preaching two sermons on a Sunday morning to save his parishioners another journey to church. A young girl in the congregation became so tired and hungry that at the beginning of the second sermon she whispered to her grandmother, who accompanied her, "Come awa', granny, and gang hame, this is a lang grace, and na meat."

[THE USE OF FALSE TEETH]

The dinner had been a huge success, and a highly ornamented pie was much praised. The cook having been complimented was asked how she had managed to impart so much artistic taste into the design. "Well, mum," she replied, "I did it with your false teeth."

[HOW TO COLLECT]

A public man was appealing on behalf of a certain charity, when a note was handed up to him asking if it would be right for a bankrupt to contribute in response to his appeal. The speaker referred to this in the course of his lecture and said decidedly that such a person could not do so in Christian honesty. "But, my friends," he added, "I would advise you who are not insolvent not to pass the plate this evening, as if you do the people will be sure to say: 'There's another bankrupt!'"

[IMPERSONATION]

Captain: "What's he charged with, Casey?"

Officer: "I don't know the regular name fer it, captain; but I caught him a-flirting in the park."

Captain: "Ah, that's impersonatin' an officer."

[A SMART RETORT]

Facetious Doctor (to artist): "The pictures which hang on the walls are your failures, I suppose?"

Dyspeptic Artist: "Yes. And that's where you doctors have the pull over us. You can bury yours."

[TRUTH WILL OUT]

Jim was being chastised by his father, and a passer-by stopped to enquire the reason for the punishment. He was informed that Jim had not locked up the chicken house the previous night. "But surely that's not a very bad offence: the chickens are sure to come home again." The father replied hurriedly, "That's just where the trouble is, Mister, they wouldn't come home; they'd go home."

[SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES]

A young and energetic curate suggested to the vicar that Sunday afternoon services should be held in the church for the school children.

The Vicar gave his consent, and on the following Sunday afternoon the curate marshalled the children in the churchyard four a-breast to march into the church.

He selected the hymn "Onward, Christian soldiers," and decided to conduct them into the church, in real Salvation Army style, walking backwards.

On entering the church they commenced the verse, "See the mighty army, Satan leading on;" and he wondered why the congregation laughed.

[A NEW DISH]

A shoemaker in Dublin, getting on well in the way of business, became proud. One day there were customers in the shop when the shop-boy came in to say that the mistress bid him say dinner was ready. "What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Herrings, sir," answered the boy. "All right," said the shoemaker, and when he went up to dinner he reprimanded the boy for not mentioning something decent and big, telling the boy always to mention a good feed when there were any people in the shop. A few days afterwards the boy came to say that dinner was ready. "What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Fish, sir," answered the boy. "What sort of fish?" asked the shoemaker. "A whale, sir," answered the boy.

[FULL OF PLUCK]

Countryman (to dentist): "I wouldn't pay nothin' extra for gas. Jest pull her out, even if it does hurt."

Dentist: "You are plucky, sir. Let me see the tooth."

Countryman: "Oh, 'tain't me that's got the toothache; it's me wife. She'll be here in a minute."

[CANDID ON BOTH SIDES]

"I rise for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man wants it more."

[THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS]

A dispute about precedence once arose between a Bishop and a Judge, and, after some altercation, the latter thought he would quite confound his opponent by quoting the passage, "For on these two hang all the Law and the Prophets." "Do you not see," said the lawyer in triumph, "that even in this passage of Scripture, we are mentioned first?" "I grant you," said the Bishop, "you hang first."

LUCUS A NON LUCENDO

A man living in a quiet country place invited a neighbour to dine and spend the evening with him. The night being dark, when it was time to go, the guest, who had done himself very well, begged to be allowed to borrow a large lantern in the hall to light him on his way. The next day the host sent his servant round with the following note: "Dear old chap, I shall be glad to have back my parrot and cage if you have finished with it."

[THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN]

A lady was telling her doctor that her maid objected to going to the Isle of Wight again, as the climate "was not embracing enough," and added, "What am I to do with such a woman?" The doctor replied, "You had better take her to the Isle of Man."

[A CUNNING ELDER]

A canny Scot had got himself installed in the eldership of the church, and, in consequence, had for some time carried round the ladle for the collections. He had accepted the office of elder because some wag had made him believe that the remuneration was six-pence each Sunday, with a bag of meal on New Year's Day. When the time arrived, he claimed his reward, but was told he had been hoaxed. "It may be sae wi' the meal," he said coolly, "but I took care of the saxpences mysel'."

[AS YOU LIKE IT]

An old Scotch laird used to say he didn't care how he dressed when in London, "because nobody knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed when at home, "because everybody knew him."

[UNNECESSARY CIVILITY]

Said the youth, in a triumphant tone, to the maid he was about to marry, "Weel, Jenny, haven't I been unco ceevil?" alluding to the circumstance that during their whole courtship he had never even given her a kiss. Her quiet reply was, "Oo, ay, man--senselessly ceevil."

[AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE]

The scene was a hairdresser's, the front of which was so arranged that passers-by could see what was taking place. A small boy approached and observed the process of hair-cutting with some interest; the singeing of a customer surprised the lad, who called to his chum, "Blimey, Charley, they're looking for 'em with a light now."

[AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE]

Two Cockney boys were examining the mummies at the British Museum for the first time, and one of them was much puzzled by the labels denoting the age of the contents. "I wonder what those figures mean?" said Charley, stopping before an exhibit marked B.C. 1500. "Garn, silly, don't you know? That's the number of the motor what run over 'im."

[TABLE OF COMPARISON]

To instil into the mind of his son sound wisdom and business precepts was Cohen senior's earnest endeavour. He taught his offspring much, including the advantages of bankruptcy, failures, and fires. "Two bankruptcies equal one failure, two failures equal one fire," etc. Then Cohen junior looked up brightly.

"Fadder," he asked, "is marriage a failure?"

"Vell, my poy," was the parent's reply, "if you marry a really wealthy woman, marriage is almost as good as a failure."

[THE INTELLIGENT CAT]

Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats.

"It appears to me," one said, that "they seem to pick out the choicest plants to scratch out of the ground."

"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and then sits and actually defies me."

"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker.

"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of my greenhouse to defy me."

[HEAR! HEAR!]

At a local "Parliament" a member much annoyed the House by continually interrupting the speakers with cries of "Hear! Hear!" One of the latter took the opportunity of alluding to a well-known political character of the times, whom he represented as a person who wished to play the rogue, but had only sense enough to play the fool. "Where," he exclaimed with emphatic continuation, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than this?" "Hear! Hear!" was instantly shouted from the usual seat. The speaker bowed and sat down amidst convulsions of laughter.

[MISPLACING THE BLAME]

"O-o-oo-oh! Bo-o-o-ho-oo!"

As the childish wail rang through the house the anxious mother sprang to her feet. Rushing into the hall, she met her little daughter coming in from the garden and carrying a broken doll by the leg.

"What's the matter, darling?" she asked tenderly.

"O-o-oh, m-o-ther," howled the child, "Willie's broken my do-oll!"

"The naughty boy! How did he do it?"

"I-I-I hit him on the head wiv it!" was the slow response.

[WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH]

A humorist asked a medical man, with an air of great seriousness, "Why does hanging kill a man?" "Because," began, the explanation, "inspiration is checked, circulation is stopped, and blood suffuses and congests the brain----" "Bosh!" interrupted the wag, "it is because the rope is not long enough to let his feet touch the ground."

[MORAL QUALIFICATIONS]

A very strong-minded Scotchwoman had been asking the character of a cook she was about to engage. The lady whom the servant was leaving naturally entered a little upon her moral qualifications, and described her as a very decent woman. To which the first-named replied, "Oh, d--n her decency, can she make good porridge?"

[MEASURING HIS DISTANCE]

A brow-beating counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the reply. "How came you to be so exact, my friend?" "Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured it."

[AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES]

A Suffolk clergyman asked a schoolboy what was meant in the Catechism by succouring his father and mother. "Giving on 'em milk," was the prompt reply.

[THE LATIN FOR COLD]

A schoolmaster asked one of his scholars, in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. "Oh! sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends."

[THE CUT DIRECT]

A gentleman having his hair cut was asked by the garrulous operator how he would have it done?--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "in silence."

[COMMON WANT]

In the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began:

"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense----"

"Exactly," interrupted the chairman, "that is precisely what you do want!"

The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.

[NOT TO BE BEATEN]

A Highlander who prided himself on being able to play any tune on the pipes perched himself on the side of one of his native hills one Sunday morning and commenced blowing for all he was worth.

Presently the minister came along and, going up to MacDougall with the intention of severely reprimanding him, asked in a very harsh voice, "MacDougall, do you know the Ten Commandments?"

MacDougall scratched his chin for a moment and then, in an equally harsh voice, said:

"D'ye think you've beat me? Just whistle the first three or four bars, and I'll hae a try at it."

[AN ODD NOTION]

A lady the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"

"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," replied the girl; "I'm married!"

["IF----"]

"Faith, and it's meself as 'ill niver foind my shilling by the loight of a match. If I 'adn't 'ave lost it I could 'ave bought a flashloight to foind it with."

[LATE AND EARLY]

The regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very late to the office." "Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but see how early I go!"

[A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE]

"I keep an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little upon it."

[SHARP BOY]

A mother admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the plum-pudding tonight."

[THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH]

"Soldiers must be fearfully dishonest," said a dear old lady in a country village, "as it seems to be a nightly occurrence for a sentry to be relieved of his watch."

[CREDIT]

A beautiful girl stepped into an American store and asked for a pair of gloves. "Why," said a gallant but impudent clerk, "you may have them for a kiss." "Agreed," said the young lady, pocketing the gloves, and her eyes speaking daggers; "agreed; and as I see you give credit, you may charge it in your books, and collect it the best way you can."

[UNKIND]

An indifferent artist, who thought himself an excellent painter, was talking pompously about decorating the ceiling of his drawing-room. "I am white-washing it," said he, "and in a short time I shall begin painting." "I think," replied one of his audience, "you had better paint it first, and white-wash it afterwards."

[NOT COMPULSORY]

A haughty gentleman entering a restaurant was accosted by the waiter with the inquiry, "Soup, sir? Soup, sir?" The customer took no notice and calmly removed his overcoat, on which the waiter reiterated his question. Becoming angry, the gentleman said, "Is it compulsory?" "No," was the reply, "It's oxtail, sir."

["YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"]

A Fellow of Jesus College was handicapped by stammering, but when he used bad words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a countryman met him and inquired the road. "Tu-u-rn," was the reply, "to-to-to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out, "Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can tell you!"

[AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT]

A poor man came to his minister and begged to be unmarried, for he was very unhappy. The minister assured him that was out of the question, and urged him to put away the notion of anything so absurd. The man insisted that the marriage could not hold good, for the wife was worse than the devil. The minister demurred saying that was quite impossible. "Na," said the poor man, "the Bible tells ye that if ye resist the deil he flees frae ye, but if ye resist her she flees at ye."

[A DIFFICULT TASK]

A school inspector, finding that the boys whom he was examining were inattentive, endeavoured to pull them together.

"Now then," said he, "will somebody please give me a number and watch how I make the figures?"

"74," called out a youth, and the class gazed while the inspector wrote on the board 47.

Another number was called for and a boy cried out "65" the inspector turned round and wrote 56. As the class took no notice the inspector became annoyed, and asked the boys if they noticed nothing different in the figures. Nobody replied, so he thought he would make another attempt and called again for a number. A long pause ensued, but at last a boy stood up and said 33, adding in a low tone, "See what you can do to twist that round."

[NON-RUNNERS]

An old lady wrote to the S.P.C.A. to protest against the cruel practice of scratching horses. She called special attention to a reference in the morning paper saying that three horses had been scratched on the day of the race--a most cruel and barbarous thing to do.

[THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN]

An Englishman being doubtful of his way inquired if he were on the right road to Dunkeld. With the national inquisitiveness about strangers the countryman asked his inquirer where he came from. Offended at the liberty as he considered it, the traveller reminded the man that where he came from was nothing to him, but all the reply he got was the quiet rejoinder. "Indeed, it's just as little to me whar ye'r gaen."

[A VIOLENT PARTNER]

A gentleman well-known for the violence of his temper had occasion to escort a lady down to dinner one evening. Unfortunately the lady was extremely deaf, of which fact her partner was unaware.

After they were seated, the gentleman addressed the lady, "Madam, may I have the honour to help you to some fish?" But he got no reply; after a pause but still in the most courteous accents, "Madam, have I your permission to send you some fish?" Then a little quicker, "Are you inclined to take fish?" Very quick, and rather peremptory, "Madam, do you choose fish?" At last the storm burst, and to everybody's consternation, with a loud thump on the table and stamp on the floor, "D---- you, will you have any fish!"

[WISDOM]

An Irishman, being asked the meaning of the phrase "posthumous works" readily answered, "Why, to be sure, they are the books that a man writes after he is dead."

[A DOUBTFUL POINT]

A minister engaged in visiting members in his parish came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of discussion within. After waiting a little, he opened the door and walked in, saying in an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is the head of this house."

"Well, sir," said the husband, and father, "if you will sit down for a little while, maybe we'll be able to tell you, for that is the very point we are now trying to settle."

[THE BETTER WAY]

A loin of mutton was on a table, and the gentleman opposite to it took the carving knife in hand. "Shall I cut it saddlewise?" he asked. "You had better cut it bridlewise," replied the master of the house, "for then we shall all stand a better chance to get a bit in our mouths."

[A GOOD REASON]

"Janet, I think you hardly behave very respectfully to your own minister in one respect," said the minister of a Scottish church to an inattentive member of his congregation.

"Me, sir," exclaimed Janet, "I wad like to see ony man, no to say ony woman, but yoursel say that o' me! what can you mean, sir?"

"Well, Janet, ye ken when I preach, you're almost always fast asleep before I've well given out my text; but when any of these young men from other parishes preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's what I call no using me as you should do."

"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll sune tell you the reason of that. When you preach we a' ken the word of God's safe in your hands; but when these young birkies tak' it in haun, my certie, but it tak's us a' to look after them."

[A NEW TEXT]

A man having been to church and slept through the greater part of the service was asked by his wife on reaching home what text had been used for the sermon. The husband, confused at the question and unwilling to show his ignorance stuttered out, "What profiteth it a man if he lose the whole world and gain his own soul."

[AN AUCTION]

Among the conditions of sale by an Irish auctioneer was the following: "The highest bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman bids more."

[A REAL SPORT]

A man went out rabbit-shooting, but could not get any sport. "So," said he, "I lay down where they could not see me, and made a noise like a turnip."

[THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman who had been on holidays were comparing the souvenirs they had collected. The Englishman had a bust of Shakespeare from Stratford-on-Avon, the Irishman a matchbox of bog oak. "Oh," said the Scotchman, "you can't beat this," and he produced a tea-spoon marked "L.&N.W.R."

PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY

WM. BRENDON AND SON. LTD.,

PLYMOUTH.

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