"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty—day's de dogs, mister, vot you read of!" "Ain't they rather fierce," responded the rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey are—show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see 'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?"—[Page 136].

THE
HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE:
A COLLECTION OF
HUMOROUS AND EVERY DAY SCENES.

BY
JONATHAN F. KELLEY.

Philadelphia:
T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 CHESTNUT STREET.

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by
T. B. PETERSON,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in and for the
Eastern District of Pennsylvania.

TO
ISAAC S. CLOUGH, ESQ.,
OF MASSACHUSETTS,

AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST
APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING,

AS WELL AS FOR
YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES;
AND MORE THAN ALL,
FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP,
I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE,
Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches.
FRATERNALLY YOURS,

FALCONBRIDGE.

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE

This etext differs from the original in the following ways. First, the work used "somehow" and "some how" about equally; these all have been changed to "somehow." Second, a number of minor typographical errors have been corrected. Corrected words are indicated by a dotted gray underline. Hover the cursor over them to see the original spelling (to find them all, search the source file for the string "<ins"). Finally, a table of illustrations has been added.

A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY.

The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even the pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of exciting interest among that large and constantly increasing class who have a taste for books. The career of the soldier may be colored by the hues of romantic adventure; the politician may leave a legacy to history, which it would be ingratitude not to notice; but what triumphs or matters of exciting moment can reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of one who has merely been a writer for the press? After death has stilled the pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was, it is with small anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can undertake to sketch the principal events of his life.

It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been his own autobiographer. His narratives and recitals are nearly all personal. They are mostly the results of his own observation and experience; and those who, in accordance with a practice we fear now too little attended to, read the Preface before the body of the work, will, we trust, understand that the stories in which "Falconbridge" claims to have been an actor, are to be received with as much confidence as truthful accounts, as if some Boswell treasured them up with care, and minutely detailed them for the admiration of those who should follow after him.

Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of August, A. D. 1817. Young Jonathan was, at the proper age, placed at school, where he acquired the rudiments of a plain English education, sufficient to enable him, with the practice and experience to be gained in the world, to improve the advantages derived from his tuition. He was, while yet a boy, placed for a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was employed by Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then in Third street above Walnut.

In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined to go out into the world to seek adventure and fortune. He accordingly set out for that great region to which attention was then turned—the Western country. Having but slight means to pay the expenses of traveling, he walked nearly the whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio, his wanderings were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been subjected, caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened most fortunately for him that a kind farmer, Mr. John A. Harris, pitied the boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments, and good conduct, had made a favorable impression. He was taken into Mr. Harris' family, and assiduously nursed during an indisposition which lasted more than two months. This circumstance appeased his roving disposition for a time, and he remained upon the farm of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two years, making himself practically acquainted with the life and toils of an agriculturist. In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where he remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure returned. He connected himself with a theatrical company, and traveling through Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia, was finally checked in his career at Pittsburg, where he undertook the management of a hotel. This business not being congenial, he soon sold out the establishment, and returned to Philadelphia. He shortly afterwards started away on a theatrical tour, which extended through most of the Southern States, and into Texas. In this tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of adventures, saw many strange scenes, and obtained a fund of amusing experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in his literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his roving desires, he returned to Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon his previous visit, he had become subject to a new attraction, the most powerful which could be found to restrain his wandering impulses. He had become acquainted with a worthy young lady, to whom, upon his return, and in the year 1842, he was married.

This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly. His wild, bachelor life was over; and he seriously considered how it was possible for him who had been educated to no regular business, to find the means of support for himself and family. Believing himself to have some literary capacity, he was induced to go to Pittsburg, in order to commence a newspaper in partnership with U. J. Jones. This enterprise was not a successful one, and with his companion he went to Cincinnati, where he enlisted in another newspaper speculation. The result of that attempt was equally unpropitious. Dissolving their interests, Mr. Kelly then removed with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal devoted to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled "The Archer." Mr. J. W. Taylor was a partner with him in the publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy business, having a store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there not being very successful, the partnership in that branch of their concern was dissolved, and Mr. Kelly commenced a book and periodical store nearly opposite. This was about the year 1844. "The Archer" was soon after discontinued, and Mr. K. returned to Philadelphia. About this time he commenced writing contributions for various newspapers, under the signature of "Falconbridge." His essays in this line, which were published in the "New York Spirit of the Times," were received with much favor, and widely copied by the press throughout the country. The reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a fair way to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His sketches were in demand, and were readily sold, whilst the prices were remunerative, and enabled him to attain a degree of domestic comfort which he had before that time not known. From Philadelphia he removed to Boston, where he hoped to find permanent employment as an editor. During six months he relied upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York, from which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from Paige & Davis, if he would undertake the control of "The Bostonian." He filled the editorial chair of that paper for two years, when it was discontinued. He had now plenty to do, and was constantly engaged upon sketches for the "Yankee Blade," "The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other journals and magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack Humphries," "O. K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this time he projected "The Aurora Borealis," which was published in Boston. It was really one of the most handsome and humorous journals ever commenced in the United States, but it was very expensive. After some months' trial, "The Aurora Borealis" was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a general literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was induced to undertake the management of a paper at Waltham, Mass., entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This enterprise, after six months trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to continue it, and Mr. Kelly returned with his family to Boston. Whilst in that city, he had the misfortune to lose his eldest son, a fine promising boy about five years and four months old; he died after a sickness of between two and three days. Mr. Kelly was a kind and excellent husband, and affectionate father. He doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits, that it produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would eventually cause his death. After this time, General Samuel Houston, of Texas, made him very advantageous and liberal offers if he would establish himself in that State. He left Boston for the purpose, but was detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of another favorite child. Whilst thus delayed, a proposal was made him to undertake the editorship of "The New York Dutchman." He remained in that position about four months, when still more advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct "The Great West," published at Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He continued in the discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he had become associated with the American party; and induced by those promises which politicians make freely, and perform rarely, he left the journal to which he was attached, to establish a paper entitled "The American Platform." But two numbers of this effort were published. Whilst his writings were lively and flowing, he was sick at heart. The loss of his son still weighed on his mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He was attacked by Asiatic cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855, after twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a widow and three children to mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring Grove Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful garden of the dead, no form whose impulses in life were more honest, generous, and noble, than those which guided the actions of Jonathan F. Kelly.

The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by his literary works, and whose narrative has been made up from the information of friends, feels that he would scarcely discharge the duty he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the fitful career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it may well be doubted whether a dull, plodding disposition is not more certain of success, than lively, impulsive genius. Perseverance in any one calling, with a steady determination to turn aside for no collateral inducements, and a patience which does not become discouraged at the first disappointment, is necessary to the ultimate prosperity of every man. The newspaper business is one which particularly requires constant application, a determination to do the best in the present, and a firm reliance upon success in the future. There is scarcely a journal or newspaper in the United States, which has succeeded without passing through severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether it should be patronized, or waiting to discover whether it is likely to become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's wanderings in early life seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of instability. Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise, he was led to abandon those occupations, which, if persevered in, would probably have been triumphant. His life was a constant series of changes, in which ill-luck seems to have continually triumphed, because ill-luck was not sufficiently striven with. In all these mutations, it will be the solace of those who knew and loved him, that however his judgment may have led him astray from worldly advantage, his heart was always constant to his family. Affectionate and generous in disposition, he was true to them; and he persevered in laboring for them under every disadvantage. Altering his position—at times an editor—at times an assistant-editor—anon changing his business as new hopes were roused in his bosom—and then being a mere writer, depending upon the sale of his fugitive sketches for the means of support—in all these experiments with Fortune, he was ever true to the fond spirit which gently ruled at home. For the great purposes, and high moral lessons of existence, a faithful, constant heart has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can be bought with gold.

CONTENTS.

PAGE
If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning,[33]
Don't you believe in 'em,[37]
The Old Black Bull,[38]
Dobbs makes "a Pint,"[42]
Used up,[43]
The Greatest Moral Engine,[50]
The Story of Capt. Paul,[51]
Hereditary Complaints,[58]
Nights with the Caucusers,[59]
Affecting Cruelty,[64]
The Wolf Slayer,[65]
The Man that knew 'em All,[74]
A severe Spell of Sickness,[79]
The Race of the Aldermen,[80]
Getting Square,[85]
People do differ,[89]
Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience,[90]
A-a-a-in't they Thick?[96]
A desperate Race,[101]
Dodging the Responsibility,[107]
A Night Adventure in Prairie Land,[108]
Roosting Out,[114]
Rather Twangy,[119]
Passing around the Fodder,[120]
A Hint to Soyer,[123]
The Leg of Mutton,[124]
A Chapter on Misers,[129]
Dog Day,[133]
Amateur Gardening,[138]
The two Johns at the Tremont,[139]
The Yankee in a Boarding School,[144]
A dreadful State of Excitement,[149]
Ralph Waldo Emerson,[154]
Humbug,[158]
Hotel keeping,[159]
"According to Gunter,"[164]
Quartering upon Friends,[165]
Jake Hinkle's Failings,[174]
What's going to Happen,[176]
The Washerwoman's Windfall,[177]
We don't Wonder at it,[181]
Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon,[182]
Getting into the "Right Pew,"[187]
A circuitous Route,[192]
Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga,[193]
Old Jack Ringbolt,[198]
Who killed Capt. Walker?[199]
Practical Philosophy,[203]
Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl,[204]
Legal Advice,[209]
Wonders of the Day,[213]
"Don't know you, Sir!"[214]
A circumlocutory Egg Pedler,[219]
Jolly old Times,[223]
The Pigeon Express Man,[224]
Jipson's great Dinner Party,[229]
Look out for them Lobsters,[236]
The Fitzfaddles at Hull,[241]
Putting me on a Platform![247]
The exorbitancy of Meanness,[251]
"Taking down" a Sheriff,[252]
Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire,[257]
Sure Cure,[261]
Chasing a fugitive Subscriber,[262]
Ambition,[266]
Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer,[267]
Penalty of kissing your own Wife,[272]
Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping,[274]
Miseries of a Dandy,[279]
A juvenile Joe Miller,[284]
"Selling" a Landlord,[285]
Scientific Labor,[288]
Who was that poor Woman?[289]
Infirmities of Nature,[293]
Andrew Jackson and his Mother,[294]
Snaking out Sturgeons,[299]
Mixing Meanings—Mangling English,[301]
Waking up the wrong Passenger,[302]
Genius for Business,[306]
Have you got any old Boots?[307]
The Vagaries of Nature,[312]
A general disquisition on "Hinges,"[317]
Miseries of Bachelorhood,[321]
The Science of Diddling,[322]
The re-union; Thanksgiving Story,[324]
Cabbage vs. Men,[330]
Wanted—A young Man from the Country,[331]
Presence of Mind,[336]
The Skipper's Schooner,[337]
Philosophy of the Times,[340]
The Emperor and the Poor Author,[341]
The bigger fool, the better Luck,[352]
An active Settlement,[356]
A Yankee in a Pork-house,[357]
German Caution,[361]
Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell,[362]
The Perils of Wealth,[367]
Nursing a Legacy,[372]
The Troubles of a Mover,[377]
The Question Settled,[382]
How it's done at the Astor House,[383]
The Advertisement,[387]
Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life,[400]
A Distinction with a Difference,[408]
Pills and Persimmons,[409]
Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor,[414]
The Tribulations of Incivility,[415]
The Broomstick Marriage,[420]
Appearances are Deceitful,[427]
Cigar Smoke,[431]
An everlasting tall Duel,[432]

ILLUSTRATIONS

PAGE
"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay?"[frontispiece]
"Go—goo—good Lord-d d! Ho—ho—hol—hold on!"[92]
"What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?"[99]
"With a presence of mind truly unparalleled..."[169]
"Shet up, you piratin' cuss you..."[305]
"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.[393]