CONTENTS
| PAGE | |
| “Crashed in a Shell-hole” | [8] |
| The Song of the Shirt | [9] |
| “So Beastly Infectious” | [10] |
| The Fumbler | [11] |
| “Don’t Trouble” | [12] |
| After Dinner Jokes | [13] |
| The Car for the Owner-Driver | [14] |
| Tact | [15] |
| “Or to Take Arms Against a Sea of Troubles” | [16] |
| The Hearty Fellow | [17] |
| Danse des Vents | [18] |
| The First Joke | [19] |
| Golfing Note | [20] |
| “How’s That?” | [21] |
| The Fancy Dress | [22] |
| The Advent of the Champion | [23] |
| Only in the Comic Papers | [24] |
| The Professional Humorist Pays a Visit | [25] |
| “Only Doing it for the Pictures” | [26] |
| The Tragedy of a Trouser | [27] |
| Golfing Note | [28] |
| The Telegram at Rugger | [29] |
| The Lost Ticket | [30] |
| The Charm of Village Cricket | [31] |
| Unrest Through the Ages | [32-33] |
| The Right Road for London | [34] |
| The Enthusiast | [35] |
| “Have You Any Hats?” | [36] |
| System | [37] |
| The Practical Application | [38] |
| The Man Who Sneezed | [39] |
| Scotland for Ever | [40] |
| “Gadgets” | [41] |
| Nature’s Tactless Mimicry | [42] |
| “Is there an Order Come Round?” | [42] |
| The Visit to the Front | [43] |
| Unpleasant Nightmare of Hans | [44] |
| A German-like Name | [44] |
| The Bashful V.C.’s Welcome Home | [43] |
| “Wot Flies?” | [46] |
| “Why Don’t You Salute an Officer?” | [46] |
| Ceremonial | [47] |
| The Bribe | [48] |
| The Latest Rumour from the Back | [48] |
| The Making of History | [49] |
| 1914-1918 | [50-51] |
| “I Thought You Was an Enemy” | [52] |
| The Hero | [53] |
| “Keep Your Hands Up” | [54] |
| Camouflage | [55] |
| Strawberries for Jam | [56] |
| “Come Out and Fraternise” | [56] |
| The War Masterpiece | [57] |
| “No Trouble at Home, I Hope?” | [58] |
| “On Parade Without Your Spurs” | [58] |
| His Native Soil | [59] |
| “D’you Remember Halting Here?” | [60] |
| Jock the Sheep-dog | [61] |
| The Right Spirit | [62] |
| The House that Jack Wants Built | [63] |
| Golfing Note | [64] |
| Our Treacherous Climate | [65] |
| A British Warm | [66] |
| Safari-Smith’s Trophies | [67] |
| Golfing Note | [68] |
| The Golfer and the Naturalist | [69] |
| The Young Firebrands’ Art Club | [70] |
| A Biography | [71] |
| Pathos | [72] |
| The Wedding Detective | [73] |
| “What Time Will it be?” | [74] |
| To Promote a Graceful Figure | [75] |
| Duration of the Peace | [76] |
| The Lure of the Land | [77] |
| “Someone’s Forgotten to Pack” | [78] |
| Tall Hats on the Cricket-field | [79] |
| “Bed, Sir?” | [80] |
| “I’ve Read It” | [81] |
| “How Small the World is!” | [82] |
| The Dog Fight | [83] |
| “Two Teas, Please” | [84] |
| Some New Revue Features | [85] |
| “’E Called Me a ’Un” | [86] |
| The Journey | [87] |
| The Right Entrance | [88] |
| The Brotherhood of Music | [89] |
| “NOT the Thaw” | [90] |
| The Price of Efficiency | [91] |
| “Will I Take My Hat Off?” | [92] |
| The Spread of Education | [93] |
| Midges | [94] |
| Saltsea | [95] |
| Golfing Note | [96] |
| Quite Cricket | [97] |
| Brown’s Story | [98] |
| Consolation | [99] |
| “Which Mr. Jones are You?” | [100] |
| A Use for Modern Art | [101] |
| Golfing Note | [102] |
| The Man Who Could do It Himself | [103] |
| “Would You Not Prefer to Have Them Sent?” | [104] |
| The Bargain | [105] |
| The Practitioner’s Oversight | [106] |
| Check | [107] |
For permission to reproduce the great majority of the Drawings included in this Volume, the Artist is indebted to the courtesy of the Proprietors of Punch. He has also to acknowledge similar kindnesses from the Editors of London Opinion, The Sketch, The Tatler, The Bystander, and The Evening News.
“Mamma!”
“Yes, My Child.”
“Wilfred has Crashed in a Shell-hole.”
THE SONG OF THE SHIRT
Host (a Mighty Hunter, breaking off in the middle of his longest story): “But I seem to be boring you?”
Guest: “Oh, no. Fact is—all these animals yawning—so beastly infectious.”
THE FUMBLER
“Waiter, bring me a whisky-and-soda, please.”
“I’m not a waiter, confound you!”
“Oh, right-o—then don’t trouble.”
Prospective Purchaser: “And why do your advertisements say that yours is essentially the car for the owner-driver?”
Salesman (under notice to leave): “Because no self-respecting chauffeur will condescend to be seen in one.”
TACT
“Excuse me, driver, but could you tell me where I’d be most likely to find a taxi?”
“. . . Or to take arms against a sea of troubles . . .”
Hamlet, Act III, Sc. 1.
THE HEARTY FELLOW
Danse des Vents
The First Joke
Portrait of a Gentleman in process of deciding that the hire of a car to take him to his fancy-dress revel would have been well worth the expense.
“Dear, dear, dear! what a curious accident! I thought that only happened in the comic papers.”
THE PROFESSIONAL HUMOURIST PAYS A VISIT
Voice from the gods: “It’s all right, Miss. Don’t you take on so. They’re only doing it for the pictures.”
The Tragedy of a Trouser
THE CHARM OF VILLAGE CRICKET
UNREST THROUGH THE AGES.
UNREST THROUGH THE AGES
“Can you tell me if this is the right road for London, please?”
“Why, bless my soul, ain’t none of you ever been there before?”
THE ENTHUSIAST.
“Have you any—er—hats?”
SYSTEM!
“Please, Mr. Grafto, the gentleman on the next floor presents his compliments and says, seeing as how you can foretell the future, would you be so good as to let him know how long it will be before your bath stops overflowing through his ceiling?”
THE MAN WHO SNEEZED
Scotland for Ever.
“Gadgets”
NATURE’S TACTLESS MIMICRY.
Curious attitude assumed by Trees in a district occupied by the Germans.
“Here, stick your head down, Charlie.”
“What—is there an order come round about it?”
THE VISIT TO THE FRONT
Unpleasant nightmare of Hans, the ex-cinema attendant, after learning of the American Declaration of War.
“We’ll no gang in there, Jock.”
“For why, Donal’?”
“Man, it’s got an awfu’ Gerrman-like name, yon.”
The Bashful V.C.’s Welcome Home
New Hand: “Flies seem pretty awful out here, Corporal.”
Hardened Campaigner: “Wot flies?”
Both together: “Now, my man, why don’t you salute when you Pass an Officer?”
CEREMONIAL
Reference—Infantry Training, 1914, Sect. 18, § viii.
THE BRIBE.
“Who goes there?”
“K-Kamerad—mit souvenirs.”
“Hear the latest rumour up from the back, George? War’s going to be over next week.”
“Ho. Well, I hope it don’t upset my going on leave next Tuesday.”
THE MAKING OF HISTORY
1914-1918—I.
1914-1918—II.
Boche (suddenly appearing over the top): “Kamerad! Kamerad!”
Briton: “Lor’, my son, you DID give me a turn. I thought you was an enemy.”
THE HERO
CAMOUFLAGE
“Here, listen to this. It says the Gov’ment have bought up all the strawberries to make jam for the troops.”
“Go on, George! How can they make plum-and-apple out o’ strawberries?”
Tommy (“Mopping-up” captured trench): “Is there anyone down there?”
Voice from dug-out: “Ja! Ja! Kamerad!”
Tommy: “Then come out here and fraternise.”
Sociable Escort (to Boche prisoner, after several ineffectual attempts to start a conversation): “Ahem!—er—no trouble at home, I hope?”
The Wit: “Ah, now you’re for it, Albert.”
Tractor-Driver: “Wot’s the matter?”
The Wit: “Why, you’ve been and gone and come on parade without your spurs.”
First Contemptible: “D’you remember halting here on the retreat, George?”
Second ditto: “Can’t call it to mind, somehow. Was it that little village in the wood down by the river, or was it that place with the Cathedral and all them factories?”
JOCK THE SHEEP-DOG
THE RIGHT SPIRIT.
Corporal in charge (on arrival at bridge): “De—tachment, break—step!”
[“When crossing a military bridge Infantry will break step.”—Extract from “Regulations.”]
THE HOUSE THAT JACK WANTS BUILT.
OUR TREACHEROUS CLIMATE
“Well, anyhow, no one could tell that this was once a British warm.”
The young firebrands’ art club holds its fiftieth annual dinner.
A BIOGRAPHY
PATHOS
“I want to choose a Christmas present—one suitable for a short, dark, middle-aged bachelor with retiring disposition and no near relatives—to give to himself.”
THE WEDDING DETECTIVE: A STUDY IN SUGGESTION
Wee Donald Angus: “Please, Sirr, what time will it be?”
Literal Gentleman: “When?”
Exercise 3.—To promote a graceful figure.
“Hullo, George—not demobbed yet?”
“No—signed on again.”
“How long for?”
“Just for duration of the Peace.”
THE LURE OF THE LAND
Husband (on visit to Country House): “I say, someone’s forgotten to pack my evening clothes.”
Wife: “Well, it wasn’t me, dear. If anyone didn’t, you must have yourself.”
TALL HATS ON THE CRICKET-FIELD.
“Bed, Sir? Here is a genuine Jacobean, for which we are asking only two hundred and fifty guineas.”
“Well, to tell you the truth I wasn’t wanting to BUY one. But I can’t get a bed anywhere in London, and I was just wondering if you could let me sleep in it to-night.”
“Hullo, Brown! Fancy running up against you. How small the world is, to be sure!”
“Y-Yes. Terribly small, isn’t it?”
THE DOG FIGHT
“Could we have two teas, please?”
“Why, didn’t I bring you two just now?”
“Oh, yes. But we’ve let a gentleman in the stalls have those.”
The Pugnacious Gentleman: “But ’e bin an’ called me a ’Un.’”
The Peacemaker: “Well, he may have meant it quite kindly-like, Bill. It ain’t as if we was still at war with the dirty ’ounds.”
THE JOURNEY: A DIALOGUE IN ENGLISH.
“I trust you’ll excuse me mentioning it, my good fellow, but that is the right entrance—on the opposite side of the road.”
THE BROTHERHOOD OF MUSIC
Professor’s Wife: “Septimus, the thaw has burst the pipes.”
Professor: “No, no, Marie. As I’ve Had occasion to explain to you every year since I Can remember, it’s the frost that bursts the pipes—NOT the thaw.”
THE PRICE OF EFFICIENCY.
THE SPREAD OF EDUCATION
“My dear fellow, you’ll never catch anything like that.”
“No—dare say not—get away from most of the midges, though.”
QUITE CRICKET
“Have you heard Brown’s story of how he scored off a taxi-driver this morning?”
“Yes. I told him it last night.”
CONSOLATION
Fair Partner: “One always meets so many interesting people here that I get quite confused. Now tell me, which Mr. Jones are you?”
Jones: “Me? Oh, I’m only the Jones who’s invited to brighten up a dull party.”
A USE FOR MODERN ART
THE MAN WHO COULD DO IT HIMSELF
Tactful Shopwalker (to lady who seems to have got into the rough with her umbrella): “Excuse me, Madam, but would you not prefer to have them sent for you?”
THE BARGAIN
Unfortunate oversight on the part of a practitioner called away from his children’s party to attend a patient in his consulting-room.
CHECK!
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