WITH THE FUNNY FELLOWS.
Shockit—Does learning the bicycle require any particular application? Sprockitt—No; none in particular. But arnica is about as good as anything.
Visitor—What makes you so ugly, Tommy? Don't you love your baby brother? Tommy (viciously)—Well, I did till somebody came in and said he looked like me.
Waiter (seeing dissatisfaction on guest's face)—Wasn't the dinner cooked to suit you, sir? Guest—Yes; all but the bill. Just take that back and tell them to boil it down a little.
"George, I wish you'd leave this little package at the express office." Me carry a bundle? I guess not. Besides, I've got to lug both my tires and a handle bar down to the repair shop.
Lawyer—I'll defend you, Sambo, in this bigamy case, but what defense have you? Sambo—I kin prove an alibi. Lawyer—An alibi? How will you prove it? Sambo—By two odder wives whut I had.
Miss Smart (after an hour of patient listening to a tortured violin)—Do you play a great deal, Mr. Sawton? Mr. Sawton (modestly)—Oh, not a great deal, I assure you. I play only to kill time. Miss S. (enthusiastically)—How well you succeed!
Judge—Have you anything to say, prisoner? Prisoner—Yes. I'm engaged to be married. I've been engaged for the last ten years. Judge—Why aren't you married? Prisoner—Because we've never been out of jail together. She comes out to-morrow.
The pupils in a school in Boston were asked to give in writing the difference between a biped and a quadruped. One boy gave the following: "A biped has two legs and a quadruped has four legs, therefore, the difference between a biped and a quadruped is two legs."
Mistress—Oh, Briget! Briget! What an awful numbskull you are! You've put the potatoes on the table with their skins on, right in front of our visitors, too. You—you—what shall I call you? Briget (affably)—Call me "Agnes," if ye loike, mum; 'tis me other name.
A real joke was sprung by a student at the Western Reserve University last week. This student suffers from the stigma of obesity; it appears that even professors do not love a fat man. After a particularly unsuccessful recitation in English III., the professor said: "Alas, Mr. Blank! You are better fed than taught." "That's right, professor," sighed the youth, subsiding heavily. "You teach me—I feed myself."
A writer in the Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post tells of a big, overgrown, bashful booby of a farmer's boy who was afraid even to speak to a girl, and whose father one day finally lost patience and scolded him roundly for not looking about and finding some girl to marry. "Why," he said, "at your age I had been married three years and had a house and farm of my own!" "Well, but, dad," complained the boy, "that ain't the same thing at all. You only had to marry mother, while I've got to go and hunt up some strange girl and ask her to marry me!"