The Man Who Made Umph-ta-ta Smile
If to Heaven you would go—Smile.
A god once was made and heathen had prayed
To him throughout many a year;
His face was distort with a frown of the sort
That gave them all quakings of fear.
The rulers in line, of whom there'd been nine,
Each published this royal decree:
The man who'll beguile our fierce god to smile
May claim the King's crown as his fee.
From all the world o'er had come by the score
The jester, the fool and the clown;
With quip and with jest had each tried his best,
Yet not one displaced the god's frown.
Joe Miller and Twain had been quoted in vain,
(Each man as he failed was exiled.)
But failures all scored, the god still looked bored,
Then I appeared—and he smiled!
When his visage had cleared, the heathen all cheered
And each wore a smile good to see;
With shouting and song they bore me along
Till straight to the King they'd brought me.
The King then stepped down, said
"Sir, here's my crown,
And gold you shall have by the pile,
But tell me, I pray, just what did you say
That made our god, Umph-ta-ta, smile?"
"Your crown and your pelf, Sire, keep for yourself,"
I said, "but pray listen to me:
I just made the trial—a smile for a smile—
And succeeded, Good King, as you see.
Of pomp, Noble Sire, and of power I should tire,
And soon think them not worth my while,
Contented I'll be if 't can be said of me:
'He's the man who makes everyone smile'.
"Pray heed me, O King, a smile, Sire is the thing
That will win you a smile in return;
Just try it and see, and I'm sure you'll agree
'Tis a thing that all people should learn.
Your wise pulpiteers may belabor your ears
With all the orthodox doctrines extant,
But if t' Heaven you'd go, then you might as well know
'Nless you smile throughout life—well, you can't!
There's nothing worth while can't be won with a smile—
A maxim you prove when you try—
I must now be gone to pass the word on;
There're others who need it. Good-bye!"
———:———
My story you've heard—well, then, just one word:—
Is anyone now within sight?
Just smile on him, do—why, he's smiling at you!
Your very first test proves I'm right.
