ONE HUNDRED CONUNDRUMS
He loved her. She hated him, but womanlike, she would have him, and she was the death of him. Who was he? Answer: A flea.
Why is life the greatest of riddles? Because we must all give it up.
If a church be on fire, why has the organ the smallest chance of escape?
Because the organ cannot play on it.
Why should a sailor be the best authority as to what goes on in the moon? Because he has been to see (sea).
What does a cat have that no other animal has? Kittens.
When is a man behind the times? When he's a weak (week) back. What is the difference between a baby and a pair of boots? One I was and the other I wear.
Use me well, and I'm everybody; scratch my back and I'm nobody. A looking glass.
What word becomes shorter by adding a syllable to it? Short.
If a stupid fellow was going up for a competitive examination, why should he study the letter P? Because P makes ass Pass.
Why is buttermilk like something that never happened? Because it hasn't a curd (occurred).
Why is the letter O the noisiest of all the vowels? Because the rest are in audible.
Why is a Member of Parliament like a shrimp? Because he has M. P. at the end of his name.
Why is a pig a paradox? Because it is killed first and cured afterward.
Why is a bad half-dollar like something said in a whisper? Because it is uttered, but not allowed (aloud).
Why do black sheep eat less than white ones? Because there are fewer of them.
Why is a barn-door fowl sitting on a gate like a half-penny? Because its head is on one side and its tail on the other.
Why is a man searching for the Philosopher's Stone like Neptune? Because he is a-seeking (sea-king) what never was.
Why is the nose placed in the middle of the face? Because it's the scenter (cen-ter).
What is most like a hen stealing? A cock robbing (cock robin).
What is worse than "raining cats and dogs"? Hailing omnibuses. When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little pats. Why is a chronometer like thingumbob? Because it's a watch-you-may-call-it.
Of what color is grass when covered with snow? Invisible green.
Name in two letters the destiny of all earthly things? D. K.
What is even better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body. What word contains all the vowels in due order? Facetiously.
Why is a caterpillar like a hot roll? Because its the grub that makes the butterfly. What is that which occurs twice in a moment, once in a minute, and not once in a thousand years? The letter M.
What is that which will give a cold, cure a cold, and pay the doctor's bill? A draught (draft).
What is that which is neither flesh nor bone, yet has four fingers and a thumb? A glove.
Why has man more hair than woman? Because he is naturally her suitor (hirsuter).
What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one cares to lose?
A bald head.
Why is the letter G like the sun? Because it is the center of light.
Why is the letter D like a wedding-ring? Because we cannot be wed without it.
Why should ladies not learn French? Because one tongue is enough for any woman.
Which tree is most suggestive of kissing? Yew.
What act of folly does a washerwoman commit? Putting out tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard.
Why should a cabman be brave? Because none but the brave deserve the fair (fare).
What is the most difficult surgical operation? To take the jaw out of a woman.
Why is it difficult to flirt on board the P. and O. steamers? Because all of the mails (males) are tied up in bags.
What letter made Queen Bess mind her P's and Q's? R made her (Armada).
Why is it an insult to a cock-sparrow to mistake him for a pheasant?
Because it is making game of him.
What is that from which the whole may be taken, and yet some will remain? The word wholesome.
Why is blind-man's buff like sympathy? Because it is a fellow feeling for another.
When may a man be said to have four hands? When he doubles his fists.
Why is it easy to break into an old man's house? Because his gait (gate) is broken and his locks are few.
Why should you not go to New York by the 12:50 train? Because it is ten-to-one if you catch it.
Why should the male sex avoid the letter A? Because it makes the men mean.
When does a man sneeze three times? When he cannot help it.
What relation is the doormat to the scraper? A step farther.
Why does a piebald pony never pay toll? Because his master pays it for him.
Why is the letter S like a sewing-machine? Because it makes needles needless.
What is the difference between a cow and a rickety chair? One gives milk and the other gives way (whey).
What flower most resembles a bull's mouth? A cowslip.
What does a stone become in the water? Wet.
If the alphabet were invited out to dine, what time would U, V, W, X,
Y, and Z go—They would go after tea.
When was beef-tea first introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved the Pope's bull.
What letter is the pleasantest to a deaf woman? A, because it makes her hear.
When is love a deformity? When it is all on one side.
Why is a mouse like hay? Because the cat'll (cattle) eat it.
Why is a madman equal to two men? Because he is one beside himself.
Why are good resolutions like ladies fainting in church? Because the sooner they are carried out the better.
Which is the merriest letter in the alphabet? U, because it is always in fun.
What is the difference between a bankrupt and a feather bed? One is hard up and the other is soft down.
What is that word of five letters from which, if you take two, only one remains? Stone.
Why is the letter B like a fire? Because it makes oil boil.
What word is pronounced quicker by adding a syllable to it? Quick.
Which animal travels with the most, and which with the least, luggage? The elephant the most because he is never without his trunk. The fox and cock the least because they have only one brush and comb between them.
Why are bakers the most self-denying people? Because they sell what they need (knead) themselves.
Which of the constellations reminds you of an empty fireplace? The
Great Bear (grate bear).
What relation is that child to its own father who is not its own father's son? His daughter.
When does a pig become landed property? When he is turned into a meadow.
Which is the heavier, the full or the new moon? The full moon is a great deal lighter.
Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he takes you in with an open countenance.
Why are fowls the most profitable of live stock? Because for every grain they give a peck.
What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no use whatever to the coach, and yet the coach can't go without it? Noise.
If your uncle's sister is not your aunt, what relation is she to you?
Your mother.
Why does a duck put his head under water? For divers reasons.
Why does it take it out again? For sundry reasons.
What vegetable products are the most important in history? Dates.
Why is the letter W like a maid of honor? Because it is always in waiting.
What letter is always invisible, yet never out of sight? The letter S.
Why is the letter F like a cow's tail? Because it is the end of beef.
On which side of a pitcher is the handle? The outside.
What is higher and handsomer when the head is off? Your pillow.
Why is a pig in a parlor like a house on fire? Because the sooner it is put out the better.
What is the keynote to good breeding? B natural.
What is it that walks with its head downwards? A nail in a shoe.
Why is a lame dog like a schoolboy adding six and seven together?
Because he puts down three and carries one.
Why is the Brooklyn Bridge like merit? Because it is very often passed over.
What did Adam first plant in the Garden of Eden? His foot.
What is Majesty, deprived of its externals? A jest.
How would you make a thin man fat? Throw him out of a second story window and let him come down plump.
What is the difference between a young maid of sixteen and an old maid of eighty? One is happy and careless and the other is cappy and hairless.
When was fruit known to use bad language? When the first apple cursed the first pair.
If a man gets up on a donkey, where should he get down? From a swan's breast.
What is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch.
"I am what I am; I am not what I follow. If I were what I follow, I should not be what I am." What is it? A footman.
Which is the strongest day of the week? Sunday. All the others are weak days.