THE SECOND ACT
The scene and the time are unchanged, although one minute may have elapsed since the last word was spoken. During this time Agnus has realized his misfortune. His face has ceased to be agonized and is now only blank.
The Devil still stands at the back of the chair, twirling Agnus’s former moustache and admiring himself.
The light is stationary.1
1 It must be remembered that when the word Agnus is written, it means Agnus’s spirit; not his body, that is now The Devil’s.
THE DEVIL
With these slight alterations in your dress, your face lighted up with my attractive smile (smiles) and my bold intelligent gaze, you are a handsome fellow, Agnus—by Saturn, a handsome fellow! I really believe I’d rather have this body than that velvet-jacketed fellow’s—
AGNUS (pleadingly)
Don’t say that. It’s not much of a body. I have all sorts of pains and aches—neglect, you know. You’ll be ill half your time. You won’t have any fun. Now this body (strikes the Dutchman’s) may not be good-looking, but what’s that? It’s a fine healthy body—a sound body—
[The light bobs up and down; as though nodding sorrowfully.
THE DEVIL
In that case you’re better off than you were. You ought to thank me.
[The light darts at him.
THE DEVIL
I wish I could lose that German.
AGNUS (feverishly)
I do thank you—physically. But that isn’t it. I’m engaged—to a girl. She—she—she won’t know me in this body—
THE DEVIL
Engaged to a girl! Engaged!—(Blankly) Has the time been set for marriage?
AGNUS
No, but—
THE DEVIL
Oh, well, that’s all right. I can get rid of her.
AGNUS
Get rid of her? Get rid of her! (Wildly) What do you mean?
THE DEVIL (with a gesture)
Scat, girl, scat! Chase her away!
AGNUS
Oh! you (runs at him, fist clenched)
THE DEVIL
Don’t forget yourself and break your own nose.
AGNUS
Oh, what am I to do? What am I to do? (Agonizedly) Oh, don’t chase her away.
THE DEVIL
What then? Want me to hug her? Kiss her?
AGNUS
Oh, my God, no!
THE DEVIL
Well?
AGNUS
You don’t have to kiss her!—
THE DEVIL
If I don’t kiss her, she’ll be kissing me—
AGNUS
Kissing you!
THE DEVIL
It’s always the neglectful one gets kissed.
AGNUS
She’s got too much dignity to kiss a man without being kissed!
THE DEVIL
Then she doesn’t love you—
AGNUS
She does love me!
THE DEVIL
When a woman loves a man, she doesn’t care which one kisses first so long as they kiss. I’m glad she doesn’t love you. If she did, rudeness and neglect, even knocking her down, would only make her love you more. But women get very dignified when a man they don’t love ill-treats them. They’re only too glad of an excuse to be rid of him.
AGNUS
I know now everything ever written about you is true. To hit a woman! To hit a woman!
THE DEVIL
An empty bureau-drawer is best. It makes a lot of noise, scares them to death, and doesn’t really hurt them at all.
AGNUS
You devil!
THE DEVIL
Dr. Agnus, please. A very neat little book could be written on the psychology of beating children and women—for their own good, of course! Never hurt them: that’s very coarse! A blow should be simply a little more effective than the strongest word—and should never be used until the last threat is exhausted. Of course, if your vocabulary is limited—(Shrugs his shoulders) That’s why there’s so much wife-beating among the lower classes. The really well-educated man doesn’t need to beat his wife—when he can swear at her in seven different languages—
[The light darts viciously at him.
AGNUS
You devil!
THE DEVIL
Dr. Agnus, please. (Indicating the light) The Dutchman is angry, too. He thinks it’s all right to blow up a building with a couple of hundred people in it. But to lift a hand against a woman “save in kindness”—oh, my!
[The light is suddenly still.
THE DEVIL
And you, doctor, vivisect dogs oblivious to their screams of agony. But you’d refuse to speak to the man who inflicted a harmless blow on his wife. Oh, you ridiculous humans!
AGNUS
Vivisection saves many a civilized man.
THE DEVIL
A blow at the right time saves many a civilized woman. Women have only begun to be civilized—since I posed as a woman once or twice: George Eliot, George Sand, and a few others. You don’t laugh this time as you did when I said I was Shakespeare and Shaw—
[Agnus wrings his hands and walks away.
THE DEVIL
You see I discovered—in spite of all my work—that as soon as I built men up to a highly civilized state, they fell right down again. There was Egypt—look at the Pyramids. There was Greece—I was proud of Greece—its philosophy—drama—architecture—I’ve never done so well since. There was Rome. What fellows those Romans were—owned the world. There was Spain—so did she. England! I still have hopes of England under my new system. But what happened to the others? Smash! Crash! Bang! And I had to start training savages again. I didn’t realize what the matter was—I tried every system—and then, when England started to smash, my eyes opened—the fault was women—
AGNUS
Why, women have always been our refining influences. They draw out our nobler selves.
THE DEVIL
They draw out your sentimental selves, cunning minxes. Men were dragged down, their philosophy sapped, their reason rotted, by living with inferior creatures. You see, while men were out battling with circumstances and learning to use their brains, women were slaves. Had brains, right enough, but didn’t get a chance to use them. Men played the grand act with them (imitating a pompous man’s tone): “Now don’t bother your little head about that, dearie, papa’ll fix it.” Well, about the beginning of the last century, I realized I must let men alone for awhile—and work on women. So first, I created an industrial revolution that would send women out to work in the world—like men—
AGNUS (angrily)
That proves what a devil you are! (Sentimentally) Ah, those good old days when every father could support his daughter until she married—when every wife was in her true sphere—the home.
THE DEVIL (contemptuously)
That shows how men’s brains have gone back while I worked on women. I was so absorbed in women that I forgot men for fifty years until, thoroughly alarmed, I created Bernard Shaw out of an ordinary Irish wit by becoming him—
AGNUS (sarcastically)
Oh, you weren’t Ibsen, then?
THE DEVIL
Oh, yes, I was Ibsen. But that was in the cause of women’s education—to champion the New Woman—
AGNUS
Is there any great man you were not?
THE DEVIL
No great ones. Well, my work on woman has been effective. She’s learned in fifty years what men took thousands to learn. In another fifty she’ll be men’s mental equal. And her sons will be Supermen. Then the world will be able to get along without me—
[There is a ring at the door.
AGNUS (jumps up and is about to open the door, but remembers his changed appearance; he peers agonizedly out of window and starts) It’s Fanny—Fanny!
THE DEVIL
The girl?
AGNUS
Yes, yes! She’s come for her answer?
[Fanny rings irritatedly.
AGNUS (to The Devil)
Just say: “I accept, Fanny—go back and get the others.” There’s no time to explain.
THE DEVIL
Will she go if I say that?
AGNUS
Yes, yes!
[Fanny rings again.
THE DEVIL
An arrogant minx, apparently. You’ve trained her badly. But we’ll soon fix that!
AGNUS
Will you go—please! She’ll look in the window in a moment and see me—I mean you—please go!
THE DEVIL
What shall I say?
AGNUS
“I accept, Fanny—go back and get the others.” But no putting your arm around her: no kissing!
THE DEVIL
No fear! I wish I were sure she wouldn’t kiss me—
[Fanny rattles the knob; the door is opened impatiently, and she enters angrily.
THE DEVIL (immediately)
Fanny, I accept: go and get the others.
FANNY
Oh, there you are! Why did you keep me ringing there like a fool?
THE DEVIL
Was that ringing like a fool’s? Suppose you go out now and ring like a sensible person—just to see if I can tell the difference!
[Fanny appears dumfounded and cannot find words. The Devil smiles encouragingly at her.
AGNUS (wildly)
Fanny, I give you my word—
[Fanny stares at him. Agnus realizes his position and grows shamefacedly silent.
THE DEVIL (introducing Agnus)
My friend, Mr. Schwartzenhopfel. A very nice fellow—with a ridiculous name.
[The light darts at him viciously.
THE DEVIL
Heard me speak so much of you—feels like an old friend.—Call her “Fanny,” Schwartzenhopfel. Call him “Hop,” Fanny—“Hop” for short.
FANNY (recovering her breath)
You’ve been drinking!
THE DEVIL
You must learn to love Hop, Fanny. If I should die, I should never want you to marry anyone but Hop. (With a tremendous slap on Agnus’s back)
[The light darts.
FANNY
I can’t understand your conduct, Addington? I’m at a loss!
THE DEVIL
Why—
[Agnus punches him in the ribs.
THE DEVIL (recollecting)
Oh! it’s all right, Fanny. It’s all right! (Carefully) Fanny—I—accept—go—and—get—the—others—
FANNY
You do accept?
THE DEVIL
Fanny, I accept. Go and get the others.
FANNY
You accept—
THE DEVIL
Fanny, I accept. Go and—
FANNY (kissing him)
You dear old darling!
[The Devil puts his arm about her with a sly wink at the raging Agnus.
FANNY
Now you can set the wedding for any date you please—next month if you like—
[The Devil takes his arm away.
FANNY
You’ve made me the happiest girl in the world—(Kisses him again)
THE DEVIL (in a hollow tone)
Go and get the others.
FANNY
I will. I will. Oh, you dear! (Kisses him again and goes out through the upper door in the rear)
[The Devil turns a look of reproachful and frigid dignity on Agnus. The light dances about in joyful hatred.
THE DEVIL (to the light)
Get out of here, you Teutonic accident! (To Agnus) Dug a little share for me, didn’t you? Married next month!
AGNUS (alarmed)
I don’t want her to marry you.
THE DEVIL
Then why tell me to “accept, Fanny, go and get the others,” eh?
AGNUS
Didn’t have to have time to explain everything to you?
THE DEVIL
What did I accept?
AGNUS
One hundred thousand dollars a year: chief chemist to the John Magnus works—
THE DEVIL
Who are “the others” she went to get?
AGNUS
John Magnus—
THE DEVIL (interrupting)
The richest man in the world—isn’t he?
AGNUS (contemptuously)
I thought The Devil knew everything—
THE DEVIL
Everything worth knowing—but I can’t keep track of the petty things.
AGNUS
Petty? John Magnus—while not the richest man—controls the money-market. Petty?
THE DEVIL
Any man with brains enough to control money-markets might be a fifth-rate scientist, a fourth-rate painter, or a third-rate author! He must be petty if he’s willing to be nothing but a first-class financier. One thing I never was—a financier! Couldn’t waste my time. Financiers, lawyers, stock-jobbers, and thieves generally are the tumors on the human race! When I get through training women, their superman sons will be the surgeons who remove those tumors—(Suddenly) I see! She wants you to give up science for a paying job under Magnus—eh?
AGNUS
Why—
THE DEVIL
Enough! What was your line?
AGNUS
Well—to explain quickly—but not quite accurately—immortality—
THE DEVIL
The devil you say! Pardon my using human terms! But—immortality!
AGNUS
I’ve made an animal’s functions live after the animal died.
THE DEVIL
That’s enough. And without my help! Why, that was my very next job! To take some scientist’s body for a few years and start the world on the path toward longer life. Of course, immortality of the body is all rot. It’s bound to wear out some time. But—five hundred years—that’s possible. It would save putting souls back into new-borns. For it takes a hundred ordinary human lives to be ready for Mars. Out of all the billions of men who have lived, we have only a few thousand earth-people up there. The second-rate geniuses—Napoleon, Caesar, George Washington, Tamerlane—all the second-raters—
AGNUS
Napoleon—Caesar—Washington—second-raters?
THE DEVIL
Of course! All the first-raters were—(points to himself) All soldiers are second-rate. Just as all financiers are about tenth-rate—compared to the great teachers, who help humanity to progress—like—like—(struck by a thought) like you yourself. (With an access of respect) Man—I’ll do the right thing by you! Before I quit this body—I’ll give you the secret of making men live half a millennium.
ANGUS (the man forgotten in the scientist)
You will? (Delightedly) You will?
THE DEVIL (shakes hands)
And she was going to make you a hack?
AGNUS
Well, you see, she’s a very superior girl.
[The Devil snorts.
AGNUS
And I really should give her the surroundings and luxuries that she’s entitled to—being so superior a girl—
[The Devil snorts again.
AGNUS
And the only money I ever made was that Nobel prize—
THE DEVIL (starting)
What? You won the Nobel prize?
[Agnus nods.
THE DEVIL (astounded)
By Saturn, you’re the most startling combination of ass and genius I ever met! Such modesty is actually first-rate—
ANGUS (deprecatorily)
Oh, don’t say that—
THE DEVIL
But such infatuation is hundredth-rate. Generally to be met with among the middle classes—that is, the lowest class of intelligence—
AGNUS
The middle class—lowest?
THE DEVIL
Creatures of law and respectability always are. Aristocracy is lower-class people getting intelligence. Middle-class people only get money. There are hardly any American aristocrats—and those few live abroad—
AGNUS
Nonsense! You wouldn’t call Miss Felix middle-class.
THE DEVIL
Miss Felix?
AGNUS
The young lady—
THE DEVIL
A person who’d burn up your genius in the fire that boils the pot? Worse than middle-class—worthless—
AGNUS (violently)
Sir—
THE DEVIL
How can I get rid of her? For your own sake: how can I get rid of her?
[Agnus clenches his fists.
THE DEVIL
I must play Davy Garrick again—do something to disgust her—
AGNUS (violently ironical)
Just treat her as you did a moment ago.
THE DEVIL
Trouble is: she left this room loving me—twenty times better than she ever loved you. How can I help you—help humanity—with a drab like that at my heels—?
AGNUS
You—(about to strike)
THE DEVIL (laughs)
Go on: disfigure yourself!
[Agnus wrings his hands.
THE DEVIL (crosses and recrosses the room; stares moodily out of window with his hands behind back; then suddenly pointing outside the window) Who’s that?
AGNUS (crossing and looking out)
That actressy-looking creature?
THE DEVIL (impatiently)
Yes, yes—who is she?
AGNUS
Looking for lodgings, I believe. Had the impertinence to apply here—
THE DEVIL (gloomily)
She’s found them by this time, eh?
AGNUS (with dignity)
Nobody here takes lodgers. And the inn—the hotel—is for men only—
THE DEVIL
Hurrah!! (He dashes out through the door and disappears; his voice is heard outside) Hi, there! Wait a minute!
[The light settles sympathetically on Agnus’s shoulder.
AGNUS (to the light)
Poor devil! You’re worse off than I am.
[The light wags dolefully.
AGNUS (excitedly)
He’s bringing her back—bringing her—in—here—
THE DEVIL (outside)
This way, Miss Blondin!
[The Devil enters together with Doll Blondin, who is typical of the Broadway idea of refinement and taste: dark blue Norfolk jacket suit; small French skull-cap with tassel, her curly hair escaping from beneath it; high collar and jabot of lace that falls almost to her belt; short vamp suède pumps without toe-cap; preposterously high Cuban heels. The combination of country suit with city shoes, of jabot and lingerie waist—instead of tailored waist and plain collar and tie—with cap suitable only for evening wear, serve to mark her as one who dresses with instinctive taste but without the consistency of the upper-class woman. However, she is a most attractive girl—about twenty-three—and has an air of sophistication grafted on a babyish ingenuousness, which makes anything she says quaintly pleasing.
DOLL BLONDIN (turning to The Devil who has been following her in) I was told here you wouldn’t think of taking lodgers—
THE DEVIL
I wasn’t consulted—I need a pretty girl like you around the house just now.
DOLL BLONDIN (suspiciously)
Look here—is there an older woman here—a housekeeper—
AGNUS (with sudden wild hope)
No, there isn’t.
DOLL BLONDIN (to The Devil)
Well, mind: no tricks!
THE DEVIL (pained)
My dear girl!
DOLL BLONDIN
I’m as much the lady (primly) as any you know, even if I am on the stage. Anybody ’ud think I was a crocodile or some other wild beast the way people stare. Not used to seeing girls who know how to dress, I guess. What do these rubes know about class?
AGNUS (in anguish)
This is impossible!
DOLL BLONDIN (eyeing him; to The Devil)
Servant?
AGNUS
Madam!
DOLL BLONDIN
How dare you call me “Madam”—
THE DEVIL
He’s a “rube,” as you say. Worse—a German “rube.”
[The light darts viciously.
THE DEVIL
The worst kind of a “rube.” (Going over to the window he calls hastily to Agnus) Ring for the servant, Schwartzenhopfel!
AGNUS (violently)
But I tell you—
THE DEVIL (pointing to garden)
Some people coming.
[Agnus runs over to window; then he runs back and rings wildly.
DOLL BLONDIN
I’m here for studying. (Severely) That’s why I left New York where gentlemen know how to treat ladies: real gentlemen—millionaires—that could buy and sell this tank town. One of them gave me this chance; a chance mighty few girls get—a part in a Vienna opera. No objections to a piano, is there?
AGNUS
A piano? A piano!
THE DEVIL
No objection whatever. (Points to Agnus) My German friend will tune it for you. One good thing about Germans—they can all tune pianos.
[The light darts viciously.
TOPLISS (enters from the stairway; an unintelligent but smart-looking Englishman who wears a morning coat with gilt buttons; says to The Devil) You rang, sir?
THE DEVIL
The young lady will board here—
[The bell at the garden door rings.
THE DEVIL (hastily)
On whatever terms she says—a room for her piano and her meals—and a bedroom—
DOLL BLONDIN
And bath!
TOPLISS
There’s only two baths, sir—yours and mine—
THE DEVIL
Give her half of yours.
DOLL BLONDIN
Bathe in a servant’s bath-tub! I should say not—I’m as much of a lady as—
THE DEVIL (interrupting)
I will share yours, Topliss.
DOLL BLONDIN (contemptuously)
You must be hard up.
[The bell is heard ringing again. Topliss goes to answer it.
AGNUS (agonizedly)
Show her to her rooms, Topliss.
[Topliss looks haughtily at Agnus.
THE DEVIL
I’ll see to the door, Topliss.
[Topliss takes the small hand-bag from Doll Blondin.
DOLL BLONDIN (to Topliss, loftily)
Next time you’ll see your master before turning people down.
[Doll Blondin and Topliss go out by hall door.
THE DEVIL (running to hall door and calling after Doll) Come down later and make yourself at home.
[Agnus seats himself and buries his face in his hands groaning. The Devil goes to door and admits John Magnus, Mrs. Felix and Fanny.
MAGNUS
Tromper, the Judge, and the Professor have gone for a ride around Rothlyn. I thought—this having become a somewhat personal matter—
THE DEVIL (whispering to Agnus)
Magnus?
[Agnus looks up despondently and nods.
THE DEVIL (to Mrs. Felix, forgetting himself)
No mistaking you: you’re one of my trained women. Any child you will have—will be worth watching—
MRS. FELIX (taken aback)
What! What’s this? What? My poor boy! (She puts her hand on The Devil’s shoulder)
FANNY
Addington doesn’t need your pity, mother!
THE DEVIL (recollecting himself)
Mother? Fanny’s mother! Oh, but that must have been when you were just a favorite of the harem!
MRS. FELIX (in amazement)
Whatever has come over you? You—why, you—well—you of all men! (She seats herself, staring at him with a sort of fascination)
THE DEVIL
Your husband—
FANNY
We’ve had enough of poor father for one day, Addington. Let him rest in his grave!
THE DEVIL
In his grave—good! I must find you another husband. One worthy of you. For she (indicates Fanny) must be taking after her father.
MRS. FELIX (rises and goes concernedly to The Devil; puts her hand on his shoulder) Boy, boy, what is it? What is it? (Suddenly) Addington, will you leave the room for a moment and (looking at Agnus) take this gentleman with you? I wish to speak privately with—
THE DEVIL
You had plenty of time to speak privately with—before you came in. You think I’ve gone mad, don’t you?
[Mrs. Felix steps back, showing that she does.
THE DEVIL
You think Fanny’s driven me crazy by making me take Magnus’s offer? Eh? (Laughs) Although, who knows? I’ve been called mad many times before. Wisdom is always madness to the ignorant—and anyone too wise for them to understand is a madman. Does this look like a madman? (Turns to Fanny) I won’t take Magnus’s offer and I won’t marry you.
MAGNUS (in amazement)
You decline—after just accepting?
THE DEVIL
Without thanks! (To Mrs. Felix, with an air of dismissal) I hope to see you soon again. Meanwhile, I’ll start hunting that husband for you. (He smiles amiably while all stare at him speechlessly: all animated by the steadily growing conviction that he is utterly insane—although his final words impress Mrs. Felix)
MRS. FELIX (after a breathless pause)
It’s only a spell. It’ll pass. (To Agnus) A trip’s what you need—a long trip. No work. No thinking. Just rest.
THE DEVIL (amused)
Still diagnosing insanity?
MRS. FELIX
Oh, no! Everyone has restless spells. The excitement of the Nobel prize—Mr. Magnus’s offer—Fanny—
FANNY
Don’t blame me, mother. I’m sure this is just what I expected—keeping at those horrid microscopes day and night. It was for his own good I advised him to accept.
THE DEVIL
Don’t lie, Fanny.
[Agnus, agonized, makes gestures for The Devil to stop.
FANNY (scandalized)
Addington! If I thought you were responsible for what you’re saying—
THE DEVIL
Now see here—all of you. Here am I—Addington Agnus—the biggest scientist in the world today. And here is Fanny Felix—a mere girl. And because I suddenly realize my own importance and her lack of it, even you (reproachfully to Mrs. Felix) think I am mad. Think, woman, think!
MRS. FELIX (gasping)
But, Addington—people don’t change their entire personalities in half an hour—not naturally—
AGNUS (eagerly)
Of course they don’t! You see it—
MAGNUS (disregarding Agnus)
Since the Doctor seems to know his own mind at last, I think we had better leave him before he changes it again—this being the third change in an hour—
THE DEVIL
Don’t go, Mr. Magnus. I’ve got something important to say to you. (To Fanny) You can go, though—
[Fanny has been so dumfounded since The Devil stigmatized her as a “mere girl” that she has been unable to move.
THE DEVIL
Take her along, Mrs. Felix. Try to train her better—
MAGNUS
Dr. Agnus—when you grossly insult two ladies—my friends—
THE DEVIL (impatiently)
Well, why don’t they go, then?
FANNY (recovering herself with an effort)
Mr. Magnus—I—(starts for door and opens it)
[The Devil has turned back, not even waiting to see Fanny go. Agnus, half starting to detain her, half holding back, is altogether wild. Mrs. Felix tugs at Fanny from the outside.
FANNY (in a carefully restrained voice)
Mr. Magnus!
MAGNUS
Coming! (Starts to go)
THE DEVIL
A moment, Mr. Magnus. (Eyes him steadily)
[Magnus’s eyes waver.
MRS. FELIX (coldly)
When you come to your senses, Fanny, you will find me at Olive’s. (She goes out)
FANNY
Mr. Magnus, will you pardon me—a moment. I have one last word to say to this gentleman—one last word—
THE DEVIL
May it be true; but I’m afraid not.—In here, Mr. Magnus. (Opens hall door)
[Magnus attempts to meet The Devil’s gaze and fails. He goes out.
THE DEVIL (takes out his watch)
Now, one minute is all I can give you.
[Fanny, restraining herself as before, points to Agnus.
THE DEVIL
Here, Schwartzenhopfel, get out!
AGNUS (wildly)
I will not! Fanny—this is all a mistake. This man is not me—not I, I mean—not—
FANNY (bitterly)
Two lunatics!
THE DEVIL (hustles Agnus to stairway)
Get out!
AGNUS (protesting)
Fanny, I can explain everything—
[The Devil pushes him up. Agnus ascends the stairs stumblingly.
THE DEVIL (looks at his watch again—then at Fanny inquiringly; holds watch in hand) One minute.
FANNY
You lack even the commonest instincts of decency. I’m ashamed to think my name was ever linked with yours.
THE DEVIL (does not take eyes from the watch during the following colloquy) Twenty-two and one-half seconds gone.
FANNY (raging)
I only want you to know that I loathe and despise you. Thank Heaven, I’m cured of my infatuation. If I were to hear you were dead, it wouldn’t matter to me any more than the death of any other blackguard I had the misfortune to know—
THE DEVIL
Ah, you know blackguards, do you? Thirty-nine and two-thirds seconds gone—
FANNY
What I could have seen in you at any time I don’t know—I wonder at myself—and I laugh—yes, laugh, I tell you—laugh to think I could have been so taken in. I hate you! I hate you!! I hate you!!!
AGNUS (who has crept down the stairs, reënters)
Fanny, don’t say that—
[The Devil picks up from table behind him a brass ornament and throws it—his other hand still holding the watch as before. Agnus disappears in order to dodge the ornament.
FANNY (raging on through this by-play which she does not observe) I am going now, never to return. If you should see me again, look the other way unless you wish to be cut before the whole world.
THE DEVIL (snapping watch)
Minute’s up. (He goes to the door to admit Magnus)
FANNY (detaining him)
I haven’t finished yet. (She changes her attitude)
THE DEVIL
Oh! you want another minute, eh? (Takes out his watch again and regards it steadily)
FANNY
Don’t think I wish to detain you—Oh, no! (She laughs sarcastically) Oh, no indeed!
THE DEVIL (following the second hand of watch with finger while echoing the laugh) Oh—indeed not! Another ten seconds gone.
FANNY
I only didn’t want your sleep to be troubled—if people without consciences are ever troubled. I didn’t want your sleep to be troubled, I say, with the thought of any girl sobbing in secret. My heart is quite whole, thank you. I have been simply playing a game all along. You flattered yourself I loved you. (Laughs almost successfully) Oh, the egotism of you men—
THE DEVIL
And half a minute gone.
FANNY
I never loved you—
AGNUS (who has crept cautiously down again)
Don’t say that, Fanny!
[The Devil throws another brass ornament in the same way as before. Agnus disappears, dodging.
FANNY (talking on through this incident, which also goes unnoticed by her) Girls must marry somebody, you know—somebody—not that you should be too much flattered by being called somebody—
THE DEVIL
Thirty-five seconds—and a third—
FANNY (at a loss)
No, indeed—(Pauses)
THE DEVIL
Oh, yes, I assure you—thirty-five and a third—forty, now—
FANNY
I never loved you—
THE DEVIL
You said that before—
FANNY (viciously)
And now I hate you—
THE DEVIL
You said that, too. You seem to be running out of ideas. Fifty-three seconds gone, but I used three seconds myself and hereby credit you with them. Fifty—
FANNY
I am going—
THE DEVIL
And—quite a coincidence—so is the time—
FANNY (raging again)
I am going, nev—
THE DEVIL
“’er to return.” Aren’t you going to say anything new?—Too late! Minute’s up! (Starts for Magnus)
FANNY (still unbelievingly)
You’ll let me go like this—without a word—
THE DEVIL
Without a word!
FANNY
Do you realize I am going out of your life forever—
THE DEVIL (sighing heavily)
What a chance!
FANNY
Well—I am—I’m going—
THE DEVIL
“Never to return”—don’t say it again—
FANNY
Oh, you are sorry—Oh, Addington! I knew you didn’t mean to be cruel. (She bursts into tears and throws her arms around him)
THE DEVIL (as she hangs about his neck)
Hell! Or rather: Mars!
[Agnus, who has crept up from behind, now urgently pokes The Devil in the ribs. The Devil gladly transfers Fanny to him.
AGNUS (enraptured, forgetting everything)
Fanny! Fanny! My Own!
FANNY (looking up)
Ugh! Ugh! You horrible man!
[The light darts at her.
FANNY (wrenching herself loose, pushes Agnus into a chair; then she almost screams with lost self-respect) Addington Agnus! I’ll never forgive you—never—never—never—(She rushes out, violently slamming the garden door behind her)
AGNUS (collapsing)
Now, you’ve done it!
THE DEVIL (irritatedly)
When she was quarrelling with me, you were protesting. When she tried to make up, you were protesting. And now that she’s gone, you’re protesting.
AGNUS
I’ve lost her—lost her—
THE DEVIL (grimly)
Dollars to doughnuts, she’ll find some excuse to come back. I knew a man once who went all the way from San Francisco back to Denver to get a tooth-brush he had left at home. Of course, he didn’t go to see his wife! Oh, no! He had quarrelled with her—hated the sight of her. But how much more he hated losing that twenty-five-cent tooth-brush!
AGNUS
If you think she’ll be back after the way you just treated her, you may know some women, but not well-bred ones—
THE DEVIL (gloomily)
“When it comes to a man in the case, they’re as like as a pair of new pins.” I’ll have to spring the little actress on her yet, if I want to get rid of her.
AGNUS
Oh, don’t do that! Don’t let her think it’s on account of another woman—and such a woman—living in the house, too. She’ll never forgive that. No nice woman would.
THE DEVIL
You lamb! I’ve known women—nice women, too, mind you—on whom such a woman—as you call her—acted like a magnet. Not that they wanted to come back! Oh, no! They wanted to save the man from an abandoned creature. (Instructively) An abandoned creature, Agnus, is any other woman. No matter how good her character is, they’ll say she’s under cover with enough crime to crowd Callao—
[There is a knock at the hall door.
THE DEVIL (ironically looking toward hall door)
Dear man! The controller of the money-market kept waiting by a mere Nobel prize-winner! Terrible insolence! Get out, Schwartzenhopfel!
[The light dances defiantly.
THE DEVIL (pointing to Agnus)
Oh, I mean—him! And don’t come sneaking down the stairway again, or I’ll do some awful thing to disgrace you forever. Get out! See that the young lady gets her trunks. (Pushes him off upstairs) No peeping, mind!
[Agnus goes disconsolately, looking back as he goes.
THE DEVIL (to the light)
Schwartzenhopfel, do you know who’s in there? (Points to hallway)
[The light dances angrily.
THE DEVIL
The man you particularly wanted to blow up with one of your bombs.
[The light becomes attentive.
THE DEVIL
Can you hear me?
[The light wags and then remains attentive again.
THE DEVIL
How would you like to have a body again? Eh? A better body than you ever had?
[The light dances joyfully.
THE DEVIL
Would you be a good Dutchman and do just as I told you?
[The light wags.
THE DEVIL
Are you sorry for all that swearing and temper you’ve shown since you’ve been a light?
[The light wags slowly. At that moment the hall door opens and Magnus reënters.
THE DEVIL
I was just—
MAGNUS (very angry at having been kept waiting)
Good day to you, sir—
THE DEVIL (holding his arm)
Magnus—(Fixes him with his eyes)
[Magnus’s eyes flutter as before. He struggles, but gradually yields to The Devil’s power.
THE DEVIL
Magnus, sit down!
[The dark of an approaching rain begins and grows gradually all through the ensuing dialogue until rain actually falls.
MAGNUS (with a flash of natural spirit)
Be da—
[He means to say: “Be damned to you”; but The Devil’s eyes drive out defiance. Magnus sits down.
THE DEVIL
Magnus, look at me!
MAGNUS
I—(He tries to rouse himself, desperately, but sinks back submissively)
THE DEVIL
Magnus! Look at me!
[Magnus tries to disobey, but his eyes are literally torn upward and into The Devil’s.
THE DEVIL (at centre table, turns on electric cigar-lighter—an illuminated disk that burns dully)
Magnus, look at that light!
[Magnus is still staring at him.
THE DEVIL
Not me! The light! Saves my energy.
[Magnus stares still at him. The Devil goes to Magnus and turns his head, arranging it as a photographer does for position. He points his finger along Magnus’s line of vision, turning it toward the luminous disk. Then he sits down, his elbow on the table near the cigar-lighter, and lights cigarette. Leaning his head on his palm, he stares at Magnus in the growing darkness, the red glow of cigarette growing as the light outside begins to die before the rainstorm. This red glow lights up The Devil’s face. The light bobs closer, inspecting and inquisitive.
THE DEVIL
Magnus! When you went to school, they taught you: “Honesty is the Best Policy.” At church: “Love your fellow-men.” You went into business. Two years later—you were a bankrupt. Why?
MAGNUS (in hypnosis: speaks dully and mechanically) I wouldn’t buy diseased animals and dye their meat a healthy color with poison.
THE DEVIL
That was being honest. What else? Speak!
MAGNUS (same tone, but sleepier) I wouldn’t bring foreign laborers over to do the work cheaper than Americans. The more ignorant citizens, the more rascals in Congress. The more rascals in Congress, the worse laws. The worse laws, the worse country. Worse and worse—until only a revolution could cure it. Out of a revolution—a soldier tyrant—a Napoleon—an Emperor—and three centuries—gone to hell—
THE DEVIL
That was loving your fellow-men. What else? Speak!
MAGNUS (almost asleep; rouses himself with an effort) So, without cheap meat and cheap labor, I couldn’t sell at cheap prices. My wife sold her jewels. I kept books for a former rival.
THE DEVIL (thumbing Magnus’s forehead)
That’s what you got for being honest and loving your fellow-men, eh? How did you get the courage to be a crook?
MAGNUS
My boy—Charles—consumptive—needed change of air to save his life—Denver—Los Angeles— the Riviera.—A bookkeeper gets twenty a week—(His head drops on breast again)
THE DEVIL
No chance there! Well?
MAGNUS (painfully dragging out the words in spite of intense sleepiness) Tried to save enough—no use—couldn’t.—So at last moment I falsified books—sent the boy away—(His head drops)
THE DEVIL (revives him)
Then?
MAGNUS
Speculated—to return first money—won—the fever got me. I took all I could get from the office safe—plunged—won—(Relapses: head drops)
THE DEVIL
Honesty ruined you. Stealing made you rich. Loving your fellow-men nearly killed your boy. Hating them saved him—eh? (Shakes him)
MAGNUS (roused, speaks in shrill voice)
Went back into the old business. Did what others did. Ran the thousands into millions. Bought steel-mills with the millions. Froze the little fellows out.
THE DEVIL
Hating them!
MAGNUS
Hating everybody. Needed banks to swing deals. Gave a million to politicians. United States Treasury made my banks National Banks.
THE DEVIL
National! Ha, ha!—National!
[Magnus’s head drops on his breast.
THE DEVIL (reviving him)
And lent you Government money to run more little fellows out of business, eh?
MAGNUS
When I controlled the clearing-house, I refused some banks clearing-house privileges.
THE DEVIL
That meant: either do as you said or close their doors? When they realized that, you began to control the money-market. The National Currency? You and your friends are the Mint—the Treasury of the Nation. You finance wars—make governments—keep out of office honest men who won’t make the laws you want—(Revives him)
MAGNUS (drowsily)
No man can be President unless I say so.
[The light darts at him.
THE DEVIL
You could put all good men in and throw all bad ones out? But, instead, you throw all good ones out and put all bad ones in. Those who will do as you say.
[Magnus sleeps noisily.
THE DEVIL
Look, Schwartzenhopfel! The Law of the Land—there!
[Magnus snores. A dim radiance begins to surround his head. The light draws as close as possible. A few splashes of rain fall on the windows.
THE DEVIL (to the light)
I am going to teach him that while one cannot be honest in this world—today—dishonesty can be atoned for only by loving one’s fellows more instead of less. And loving, helping—
[The radiance grows around Magnus. The light draws close to it.
THE DEVIL (to the light)
Schwartzenhopfel—come away! Don’t be in too much of a hurry!
[The light retreats reluctantly.
THE DEVIL (to the light)
Disobey me once when you become a controller of money-markets, and—out you go! More: I may leave you to linger around in air until somebody else wears your body out.
[The light trembles.
THE DEVIL
It is nearly time. Remember what I say. Else better stay as you are for a short time—than for a lifetime! You are only the instrument. I the player.
[The light wags. The radiance flickers above Magnus’s head. A second light rises slowly to ceiling.
THE DEVIL (excitedly)
Now, Dutchman, get ready! Go!
[The light darts at Magnus’s head. At the same moment the storm breaks with fury. Great splotches of rain are thrown at the window-panes. The house rocks. The light (Schwartzenhopfel) sinks out of sight above Magnus’s head. The figure of Magnus is left in darkness, the only light in the room being the suspended one (Magnus), hanging from the ceiling like a hypnotized bee, and that from the cigar-lighter which falls on the face of the Devil.2
2 In referring to the light thereafter, Magnus is meant.
THE DEVIL
Well, Schwartzenhopfel?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (in Magnus’s body)
Ach Gott!
[The Devil turns on the electricity in the fringed white candelabrum, whereby the room becomes pervaded with a gentle glow of light. Schwartzenhopfel rises, stretches, pats himself; throws out each leg, each arm; tries to speak, but is overcome with emotion and bursts into tears. From tears he is translated into hysterical laughter. The room begins to grow lighter, but furious rain continues outside. Schwartzenhopfel follows the light around the room, pointing at it derisively, his body doubling up with speechless laughter each time he points. The light moves away with dignity. Finally, to escape persecution, it flies out of the window.
THE DEVIL
Here! That is not right. (Satirically amused) Driving a controller of money-markets out into the rain.
[Schwartzenhopfel, paying no attention, leaps and bounds about the room like an unwieldly baboon. Agnus reënters by hall door.
AGNUS (shocked)
Mr. Magnus!
[Schwartzenhopfel goes on dancing until he sees Agnus in full light. Then seeing himself, in Agnus, he bursts into another roar of laughter, pointing in gleeful derision and following the harassed Agnus around, each time pointing and roaring with laughter, as he did with the light.
AGNUS (turning)
Mr. Magnus! (Solicitously) What is wrong, sir?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (after another outbreak, hoarsely to The Devil) Did I walk like that? Look like that? Oh, what liars are looking-glasses!
THE DEVIL
Men don’t see what the mirror shows them. They see what they look to see. A good-looking, intelligent, well-groomed countenance for each.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (to The Devil)
I don’t blame you for wanting to get rid of that! (Pokes Agnus with his finger) Flabby, too.
AGNUS (gasps out thoroughly shocked)
You’ve been up to your Devil’s tricks again!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Better trick for me than for you! Ha! Ha! (Turns Agnus around, disconsolately) I don’t look a bit better from the back! (Solemnly) I’d hate to see myself undressed.
THE DEVIL
The best part of you is talking right now.
AGNUS (almost howling)
Mr. Magnus—what have you done with Mr. Magnus?
[The light comes flying back through window. The Devil points to it. Schwartzenhopfel points also and begins following the light about as before. The light is about to fly off again in dignity, but pauses at the window.
THE DEVIL
Here! Leave him alone! (To Schwartzenhopfel) You didn’t like it when I did it to you—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
That’s why I’m doing it to him. He’s a tyrant, a bloodsucker, a vampire, a murderer of poor men’s souls. He ought to be hung, drawn, quartered, and dynamited. He is—
THE DEVIL
You had better keep those sentiments to yourself. Have you forgotten who you are? With all his sins to answer for?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (ceases suddenly to rail and takes a cigarette which he lights) I did miss tobacco—
THE DEVIL
How could you miss tobacco without a body?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
It soothes the soul. A fine trick you played me.
THE DEVIL
And a fine trick you played me. Leaving bombs sewn up in your mattress.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (grinning)
How the police would like to know where they are. They searched the room today.
THE DEVIL
I shook you just in time—
AGNUS (turning pale)
What did you say?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Searched my room—his room. (Points to The Devil) Your room now. Lucky I’m in disguise! (Taps body)
AGNUS (pale and trembling)
Did they—er—find anything?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (Scornfully)
Policemen find anything?
AGNUS (breathing hard)
Thank God!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
At least not before I flew away.
AGNUS
You left the police there—in your room?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
No, in your room—smoking and trying to think. If they think they can think, what do they think they can think with?
AGNUS (in trembling tone)
Where is your room?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Your room? Why, over the shoemaker’s shop—next block?
[Agnus sits down unmanned.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
New York detectives, too. Central-office “dicks.” None of your common country constables or sheriffs for me—I’m a celebrated man.
AGNUS (in a trembling tone)
You—you are?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
No, you are. From Maine to Pensacola; from ’Frisco to Vancouver. Nobody makes bombs like old Schwartzenhopfel. I hope they don’t find those seven. They took me three weeks and cost three hundred dollars.
AGNUS
I—I hope they don’t, too. I—I think I’ll go—now—g—go—to bed. (He starts for the stairway) I wonder if they’re still there—in your room?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
My dear sir—I am John Magnus. It ain’t my room—
THE DEVIL (to Agnus)
You might ask Mr. Magnus to go over and find out for you?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Me? Got a photo of it, haven’t you?
THE DEVIL
No—him! (Points to the light)
[The light contracts and moves to other side of room.
THE DEVIL (crossing over to it)
What’s the use being sulky, Magnus? You’re the only one here who can do it without anybody seeing you. Go on! For this poor fellow’s sake anyhow. (Points to Agnus) Want to see him in jail?
AGNUS (approaching the light)
Mr. Magnus, sir—I had no hand in this—I am as badly off as you—I am Addington Agnus. That man—over there—(pointing) is The Devil.
THE DEVIL
Dr. Agnus, please.
AGNUS
He stole my body, too, and made me take this one—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Ha! Ha!
AGNUS
And now I find it’s a criminal’s body, and the police are looking for it. Mr. Magnus—please—
THE DEVIL
It will make me more merciful, Magnus.
[The light moves sulkily to the window. The storm has blown over and the rain is turning to snow. However, the light is bright enough for The Devil to turn out the candles.
THE DEVIL (to the light)
When you come back, wag once—like this (wags head) if the Dutchman’s mattress is torn up. Twice if it isn’t.
[The light flies out through the window.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (throwing up window and calling after the light) Over the shoemaker’s shop—next block—third floor—you can’t miss it. (Puts down the window)
THE DEVIL (to Schwartzenhopfel)
Let’s spare his feelings while he’s gone. I wonder how big a check he can write.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (excitedly)
I read he could sign one for two million dollars—ready money—a check for two millions—Ach Gott! That was why I wanted to blow him up.
THE DEVIL (coldly)
Well, you’ve got your chance now. A chance no anarchist ever had before. You anarchists always complain you can’t get close enough to millionaires. You’re close enough—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (turning pale)
What do you mean?
THE DEVIL (handing him a sharp paper-cutter of steel)
Dig this (taps it) into that—(Taps Schwartzenhopfel’s heart)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (turning pale)
That would be murder!
THE DEVIL
And what’s throwing bombs?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (protesting)
I don’t throw ’em. I make ’em. I never threw one.
THE DEVIL
What’s the difference?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
I never sell ’em to blow up people. Only houses and bridges and railroads and—(vaguely)—er—places—
THE DEVIL
You just said you wanted to blow up Magnus.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (hanging his head)
I don’t blow up nobody!
THE DEVIL (scornfully)
Socialist!!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (furiously)
Socialist? Bourgeoisie! Children! Talkers! Bah!
THE DEVIL (tapping him)
Bourgeoisie! Child! Talker! Bah!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
You lie—
THE DEVIL
Do I? (Offers paper-cutter again) Prove it! (Makes the motion of stabbing) Anarchists claim they wouldn’t let John Magnus live one minute if they had the power to kill him. Here’s the power— (Offers knife again)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Teufel! Teufel! You are a devil.
THE DEVIL
Dr. Agnus, please! (He fingers paper-cutter) You know, when the Anarchist Council hears of the chance you’re throwing away—pouff! That for you—(stabbing motion) I don’t know but what they’re right. This is too good a chance to miss. (He takes Schwartzenhopfel by the collar and flourishes the dagger)
AGNUS
Here! Quit that! Quit!
THE DEVIL (fixes him with a look that makes him fall back) For the sake of the thousands of lives Magnus has taken to make his millions—(the dagger descends)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (on his knees, howling lustily)
Police! Police! Police!
[Judge Critty appears at the window looking in from garden, sees the tableau inside without being seen himself, and runs off with a shocked, terrified expression on his face.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Police! Police!
THE DEVIL (throws down the knife and laughs heartily)
The police? An anarchist bawling for the police! The police! If the Anarchist Council heard that, they’d boil you in Standard Oil. Get up! (Sneers) Anarchist!
[Schwartzenhopfel crawls to his feet shamefacedly.
THE DEVIL (fixes him with his eye)
I might have known that a man who makes bombs to blow up—for all he knows—women and children, would be just your kind of a coward! Oh, you human beings! You make me ill! (He takes a check-book from the pocket of Schwartzenhopfel’s coat) What did you think I gave you this body for, you fool? To kill it? I need it too much. Where did you read that about the two million check?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
In a London paper.
THE DEVIL
Then there’s a chance, it’s true. If you’d said a New York one—Write!—(Hands the check-book to Schwartzenhopfel)
[Schwartzenhopfel looks inquiringly at him.
THE DEVIL
Pay to Addington Agnus—two million—
[Schwartzenhopfel writes out the check and signs it.
THE DEVIL
Now endorse it so: “This money is given to Dr. Addington Agnus to further scientific researches of inestimable value. The amount specified need detain no bank official in my employ from cashing it. John Magnus.”
[Schwartzenhopfel writes while The Devil is dictating.
THE DEVIL (takes the check and scrutinizes it)
Look at that, Agnus. You should be the happiest man in the world.
AGNUS (scrutinizing the check, the man once more forgotten in the scientist) His signature! Magnus’s! Why, the check’s good!
[It is now snowing hard, the snow encrusting the windows.
THE DEVIL
Of course it’s good.
AGNUS
But—a forgery!
THE DEVIL
Can you get anybody to believe that coward over there isn’t Magnus? Now, aren’t you glad I happened along this morning?
AGNUS
It means—success—
THE DEVIL
Wiser people—better world—morals adjust themselves. Forty crooks and one honest man in a community, the crooks would elect the honest man—because wisdom teaches them not to trust crooks. The only incurable crime is ignorance!
AGNUS (protesting)
The only one!
THE DEVIL
Who ever heard of a professional crook being a murderer, for instance? Only ignorant amateurs—like Schwartzenhopfel here.—If he wasn’t ignorant, he wouldn’t murder.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
I don’t murder.
THE DEVIL
Tell that to the police. Every bomb you make is a potential murder. Why are they looking for you? Answer!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (reluctantly)
Somebody used one of my bombs somewhere. I guess somebody else snitched. And they’re trying to get something on me!
AGNUS (to The Devil, bitterly)
And you say I ought to be the happiest man in the world—robbed of the girl I love—of my name, my reputation—in danger of arrest, jail, maybe the electric chair! Very happy! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! Ha! Can’t you give me a broken arm or leg or head to make my happiness complete?
THE DEVIL
But think of the triumph of science. (Waves the check) What’s one person’s feelings compared with the good of the world—
AGNUS
Nothing—except when you happen to be that person. (Feverishly) What shall I do about the police?
THE DEVIL (points to Schwartzenhopfel)
I’ll shift his soul over to his own body and make him pay the penalty of his own crimes—
[Schwartzenhopfel makes a dash for the door, opens it, and runs wildly out into the snow.
THE DEVIL (at the door)
Come back! Come back!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (outside)
So you can switch souls on me! Not much—
THE DEVIL (to Agnus, groaning)
A mad anarchist let loose with a billion dollars! (Shouting) Come back! I won’t do it!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (outside)
My mother always taught me never to put any trust in The Devil.
THE DEVIL (at the door)
If you don’t come back, I’ll run the paper-cutter through your real body and rid the earth of you. (He makes a threatening pass at Agnus with the knife)
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (outside)
What do I care? I’ve got a better one, and all the money I want. You won’t be able to get near me. And if you try, I’ll have you put in jail as an anarchist. I’m John Magnus, now. (His voice comes from farther away) And Dr. Agnus is the man the police want.
THE DEVIL (sternly)
Come back! Or I’ll find a way to make you! Come back!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (still outside but slightly afraid)
Promise then! No devil’s tricks! Keep your eyes to yourself.
THE DEVIL
I promise! (To Agnus) I need him! He can repudiate that check.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (still outside)
How can I believe you!
THE DEVIL (in awful tones)
You worm! Doubt me, do you?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (whining)
All right, Captain: all right! (He sneaks back, holding up one arm defensively)
THE DEVIL (closing door)
You disobey me again and I’ll make you wish wildcats had stolen you from your mother’s knee.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (whining)
Well, who wants to go to jail?
[The light reappears through the window.
AGNUS (feverishly)
There’s Mr. Magnus back. (Addressing the light) Mr. Magnus—sir—what—what—is it all right?
[The light bobs once solemnly.
AGNUS (relieved)
It’s all right.
THE DEVIL
He wagged once. That means the mattress is torn up.
AGNUS
I asked him: “Is it all right?” And he nodded. (To the light) Didn’t you, Mr. Magnus?
[The light wags crosswise, as though it was shaking its head.
THE DEVIL
He says “no.”
AGNUS
No? Yes?
THE DEVIL
Look here; we agreed: if the bombs were found, once; not found, twice. (To the light) Which is it? Once or twice?
[The light wags once.
AGNUS (wildly)
Oh! oh! oh! I must get away! Hide!
[Fanny flings open the door without knocking.
THE DEVIL (to Agnus, indicating her)
What did I tell you!
[Agnus stops, forgetting all about the police.
THE DEVIL (to Agnus)
Go on! Get away! Hide! Do it!
[Agnus stares at Fanny. Fanny advances as though searching for something. The Devil looks at her inquiringly.
FANNY (to Schwartzenhopfel)
Mr. Magnus, you needn’t think I came back to see him. I left my veil somewhere about.
THE DEVIL (winking to Agnus)
Denver to San Francisco—tooth-brush!
FANNY
I wish you’d help me find it and let me go, Mr. Magnus.
THE DEVIL
So you lost your tooth-brush?
FANNY
Mr. Magnus—my veil—
THE DEVIL
Veil—tooth-brush—any excuse will do.
FANNY (ignoring him)
Mr. Magnus, your chauffeur says the snow’s getting deep. We should start immediately.
THE DEVIL
You take the car, Fanny. You and your mother. You go back. Mr. Magnus stays here.
[Schwartzenhopfel smiles weakly.
FANNY
Mr. Magnus—you—staying here—with this person?
[Schwartzenhopfel smiles more weakly.
FANNY
Not on my account, Mr. Magnus, please. All is over between us.
THE DEVIL (instructively)
In moments of anger, the débutante’s language and the shop-girl’s cannot be distinguished. That is because—while débutantes are taught proper language for ordinary things, no one can be taught proper language for extraordinary things. So, as both débutantes and shop-girls read the best-selling novels, both go to them for the language of distress. Hence the similarity. (With college professor’s gesture) Class on Feminine Psychology dismissed for the day. Our next subject will be: How to Insult Young Ladies so That They Won’t Come Back.
FANNY
You acknowledge you insulted me then?
THE DEVIL
Cheerfully!
FANNY
You hear that, Mr. Magnus?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (with a weak smile)
I hear it.
FANNY
And you—in spite of insults to the daughter of the woman you profess to care for—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
What! (He starts violently)
FANNY
You continue under his roof—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Well, you see, I like the Doc—the Doctor. I am interested in his work. I just gave—
[The Devil nudges him.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (brightly)
Oh, it’s all right, Doctor. I was just going to tell her I gave you a check for two million dollars!
[Fanny stands speechless.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (anxiously, seeing The Devil scowling) Oh, quite legitimate—scientific research. For scientific research—er—rightly researched, you know—what is two million—that is, to me!
THE DEVIL
You fool!
FANNY (to The Devil)
Is this so? (Sees the check in his hand, takes it quickly and stands for a second quiet; then to Schwartzenhopfel, bitterly) Two million! And I suppose he’s not allowed to spend more than two thousand on himself—and wife—
THE DEVIL (sotto voce)
Say “yes.”
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (to The Devil)
What did you say?
[The Devil clenches his fists.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (to Fanny, brightly)
Oh, no limitations—he can spend anything he likes on himself—
FANNY (eagerly)
Say half of what you would have paid him at the Mills?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (anxious to regain The Devil’s good-will) Half? All! All! No strings to my generosity, young lady. I want him to be happy at his work. He can buy an automobile—or a—yacht—or—er—jewellery—or—anything—
FANNY (throwing herself into The Devil’s arms)
Addington! Addington! At last!
[Agnus clenches his fists and starts across room.
THE DEVIL (in an injured tone)
I thought you were going away never to return?
FANNY
And would you have been unhappy, dearest?
THE DEVIL
You just said: “All is over between us”—
FANNY
Just to see what you would say—and I saw—you grew quite red, Addington—
THE DEVIL (bitterly)
Yes—to keep from laughing—
FANNY
Ah! Addington! You are being proud now. Look at me! How I have sunk my pride, determined to get to the bottom of this. I have been wrong. I acknowledge it. I had no right to interfere with your work. I came back to tell you that—to sacrifice myself, too—
[The Devil stares blankly at her. Agnus nudges him fiercely to take his arm away from Fanny. The Devil at last takes his arm away.
FANNY (who has been talking in the meantime)
But Mr. Magnus has repented. He has seen my side of the case, too. We can have a town house now, Addington, with that two million—and two motors—
THE DEVIL (sarcastically)
Oh, can we?
FANNY (reproachfully)
Remember, I was ready to sacrifice everything for you. I didn’t know Mr. Magnus would be so generous. And now—the marriage, dear—when? [Doll Blondin reënters from the stairway, hatless and dressed in a shirtwaist.
DOLL BLONDIN
Who’s going to help your man bring up my trunks?
[Fanny disengages herself from the Devil and stares at Doll: first wildly, then savagely, then catlike.
FANNY (tragically to The Devil)
Explain!
AGNUS (wildly)
Fanny, I can explain everything.
[Fanny pushes him away. Her look is that of a tragedy-queen’s as she advances with folded arms toward The Devil, who smiles impishly, sure now that he has rid himself of her for good.
FANNY
Explain, Addington Agnus!
[The Devil ignites a cigarette at the electric lighter, shrugs his shoulders and smiles again.
DOLL BLONDIN (who has come down to The Devil)
Well, how about those trunks?
THE DEVIL
Oh, Schwartzenhopfel will help you—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (indignantly, as if to say: “Remember I am John Magnus”) What?
THE DEVIL (pointing to Agnus) Him!
[Agnus folds his arms also and does not stir.
THE DEVIL (to Agnus)
Best thing—if the police should look in—
AGNUS (unhappily)
What do I care for the police—or anything—now!
FANNY (to The Devil in a dangerously cold tone)
I have asked for an explanation!
THE DEVIL (irritated)
Oh, don’t try to Sarah Bernhardt it, Fanny. You haven’t the talent. Amateurs trying to be dramatic are only comic.
FANNY (turning suddenly to Doll Blondin with a “woman-to-woman-no-foolishness” air) What are you doing in this house? Are you the new housekeeper, or the parlor-maid?
DOLL BLONDIN (half stunned and half admiring) You cat, you!
FANNY (loudly)
Who is this woman?
DOLL BLONDIN (aroused)
I’m as much the lady as you! Howling and crying around here. What’s the matter? Are you crazy? (Suddenly indignant) Woman? Do you think—(Her Broadway mock modesty and pretended lady-like morality halt her from saying what she means, so she explains shortly) I’m boarding here! (Violently) How dared you think anything else—Woman, yourself!
FANNY (with a dry laugh)
Boarding? Can’t you think of a better story than that? Why should he take boarders?
DOLL BLONDIN (shortly)
Because he needs my twenty a week, I suppose.
[Fanny laughs still more dryly.
DOLL BLONDIN (enraged)
Well, anyway, he ran after me in the street and called me in. (Seeing she has hurt Fanny, she encourages the innuendo wickedly) Said price didn’t matter—he said. (Violently again) But have no fear: I won’t stay here and be insulted: I’ll go—
FANNY
You had better—
THE DEVIL
Miss Blondin, if the place, or the food, or the service is unsatisfactory—go. Otherwise—stay. This lady is nothing to me.
DOLL BLONDIN (in cool admiration)
Well, you are a brute!
FANNY (to The Devil, seeing the admiration and rendered wild by it) I understand now! This is why you’ve changed so suddenly. The sight of this woman of the street—
DOLL BLONDIN (blazing)
What?
FANNY (a little alarmed)
Woman in the street, I said—
DOLL BLONDIN
Oh!
FANNY
And you forget your honor, your duty, your religion—
THE DEVIL
What has religion got to do with it?
FANNY
Everything. Well, I won’t permit it. I care nothing for you. I hate you. But there’s a law in the land that protects defenceless women—
THE DEVIL
Defenceless? Not unless they’re dumb!
FANNY
And I’ll see what the law says. I’ll publish you in every newspaper in the country, and I’ll tell how the great scientist ran after a strange woman—a woman he knew nothing about—and begged her to live in his house so she would be convenient to make love to.
[Doll Blondin looks at him suspiciously.
FANNY
Then where will your reputation be? Your Nobel prize?
DOLL BLONDIN (hastily)
I’m glad I didn’t have my trunks unpacked—
THE DEVIL
Miss Blondin—
DOLL BLONDIN
Who do you think’s paying for my lessons, my education? Think I saved it out of a chorus salary? If somebody in New York were to hear such a story, it would be good-bye to taking part of my pay in three sheets. (Puts out her hand) But I’ll run in on you every now and then to say “Hello.” You are such a brute!
FANNY (standing between them)
You’ll do nothing of the sort, d’you hear?
DOLL BLONDIN
Indeed, miss?
FANNY
Indeed, miss, and indeed, miss—and as for you, Addington Agnus, I’ll stay here in this house—with mother, until our wedding-day—
THE DEVIL (desperately)
By Saturn—I wish I could think of something to do to you—
AGNUS (desperately)
Tell her the truth—the truth. If you don’t want her, I want her—
[A noise is heard outside.
FANNY
You!
AGNUS
Yes, I! Fanny, listen! Here is the truth! (He seizes her, overcome with love, and embraces and kisses her)
[Fanny screams.
AGNUS
Listen, Fanny, I am—
[The noise increases. The door is thrown open, and through it are seen a Detective-lieutenant and his two men, all in plain clothes, as well as Sheriff Peattie and Judge Critty. They appear just in time to see Agnus embrace Fanny and to hear her scream.
JUDGE CRITTY
Here are the police you called for, Mr. Magnus. I brought them as fast as I could.
[Schwartzenhopfel dodges instinctively at the word “Police.” Agnus releases Fanny and plunges headforemost onto the sofa, where he hides ostrich-like among the pillows.
JUDGE CRITTY (pointing to The Devil)
There’s the gentleman!
PEATTIE
What? Doctor Agnus?
JUDGE CRITTY
He’s as much my friend as yours, Constable. But he must have gone insane. I saw him—through that window—threatening Mr. Magnus there with a knife. Mr. Magnus was—I regret to say—reduced to kneeling for mercy and calling for the police—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (with shamefaced recollection)
Oh, that was—that was—well—(Looks to The Devil for assistance)
THE DEVIL
That was only a little play we were rehearsing for charity. Don’t you understand—a rehearsal—Ha! Ha! A rehearsal!
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
That’s it—play—charity—rehearsal—
JUDGE CRITTY (covered with confusion)
I’m sure I’m sorry—
PEATTIE
I’m right glad—I’d hate to see Senator Agnus’s son in trouble. My apologies, Doctor—for these three New York detectives too—they just happened to be by when the Judge located me, and they came along to help me—thought it was something desperate. We’ll go—
FANNY (furiously)
One moment! I want that man punished. (Points to Agnus on the sofa) For the second time today—you saw him—he has grossly insulted me!
[Peattie looks around, taken aback.
FANNY (stamping her foot)
I want him punished, I say!
LIEUTENANT (gruffly, pointing to Agnus’s buried face) Looks guilty, Cap. Trying to hide like that the minute he sees the police.
PEATTIE (takes one quick step forward and jerks Agnus to his feet) Here, what about this? Can’t have ladies insulted hereabouts, you know.
LIEUTENANT (with a sudden change of face)
By God, boys—the anarchist! (Draws revolver)
[The women scream. The two detectives draw their revolvers also.
PEATTIE
What? Him? The fellow you been looking for all day? (Still holding Agnus by the collar)
LIEUTENANT
That’s the bird!
[Peattie lets loose Agnus and draws ancient-looking Colt’s revolver, which he points at him. Agnus is now ringed around by four men with levelled weapons.
LIEUTENANT (taking out handcuffs)
Throw up your hands, Henry Schwartzenhopfel—
[Agnus throws up his hands.
LIEUTENANT
Fan him for artillery, Hennessy.
[The Second Detective is about to search Agnus.
THE DEVIL
Stop! (All stare at The Devil) He’s my friend.
PEATTIE
But, Doc—he’s a dynamiter—
THE DEVIL
No matter, stop!
LIEUTENANT
Listen, Mister—Doctor—whoever you are—you can’t give orders to the Law—
THE DEVIL
Yes, I can; and the Law can give them to you. And it does; now! There’s the Law. (Points to Schwartzenhopfel) The man who makes you a policeman; who makes your Chief of Police; your Commissioner; who makes Mayors, Governors, Presidents! You’re in the presence of Money, you oxen! Take off your hats to it—and take your orders from it—Mr. John Magnus—The Law.
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (suddenly realizing his power)
And I order you to let Henry Schwartzenhopfel alone, now and all the time. Schwartzenhopfel (with his hand on Agnus’s shoulder) is my friend, too.
DETECTIVES (moving away in awe)
John Magnus!
FANNY (throwing her arms around The Devil, whose look of triumph changes to one of hopeless dismay)
My Hero!
CURTAIN