XXXVII

When the sun cast his cold inquiring eye on England in the morning, and the innocent fields awoke in their grey shifts of dew, the trains that shot North, West, and South from London over the landscape, like worldly thoughts in a house of prayer, bore the tidings of Dwala’s disgrace. Trainloads of newspapers, the white wax sweated forth by the grimy bees in the sleepless hives of the big city, rattled past answering loads of milk and meat, gifts of the country, making the daily exchange. Squires and parsons were too shocked to eat their breakfast; their wives raced against the doctor to carry the news from house to house; the schoolmasters told the children; the children carried the tidings with the handkerchief of dinner to their fathers under the trees in the field. There was no room for hesitation; verdict and judgment were pronounced already. The country had been made the victim of a hideous hoax. Dwala and all his works must perish.

And yet, when the Biologist blurted his hint of a tail, a roomful of people turned and rent him! It is the way of the world; it is part of good manners. A partial revelation, a timid hint, an indiscretion, is smothered ignominiously; when the whole blatant truth brays out, men welcome it with ferocious joy. So, in the ancient days, tactless young angels in Heaven were sent to Coventry who alluded to Lucifer’s tail, or noticed anything odd about his feet; but when his tumbling-day came at last, the Seraphim were in the very front of the crowd which stood pelting meteors and yelling Caudate! ungulate! down from the clouds.

Men shut up their shops in London and gathered about taverns and corner-posts to unravel the sense of the bewildering news. Public Opinion, deserting the grass of the Parks, slouched into the streets to learn what it must do.

When Joey ran down into the street to fetch the morning milk, the news stared out at her from the boards in pink and black: ‘Dwala, the Missing Link!’

‘Golly!’ said her pals; ‘what’s your bloke been up to now?’

Joey was a heroine every day—the greatness of her acquaintance had a savour in Seven Dials which it had lacked in Park Lane; but this morning she soared altogether out of sight. What were milk-jugs and breakfast to such a thing as this? The milk penny went in a couple of newspapers, and she darted off with them across country for Dwala’s house. Who knew but she might be the first to bring him the great news?

Everybody was in the streets, as happens when public events are astir; and every street sent forth a thin stream that trickled in the same direction, till it formed a full river in Park Lane. A posse of policemen guarded the spiked gates.

‘Move on! Move on!’ said the official voice.

‘None of your nonsense, constable; I’m a friend of the Missin’ Link.’

‘What! Miss Joey!’ beamed a familiar face from under a helmet. ‘Let her in, Bill; she won’t ’urt ’im.’

The steps were littered with telegrams that lay like autumn leaves unswept; and an anxious footman, muttering to himself, was strapping a bag in the entry.

‘Is the Missin’ Link at home, young man?’

‘The brutes! To leave me behind, all alone!’

It was the last of the servants, deserted like an unwilling Casa Bianca in the general flight, while packing his things in his cubicle. A moment later he had gone too, without even looking at her, and she stood alone in the empty, echoing hall. She could hear Hartopp cursing and thumping with his wooden leg on the floor above. Then a pistol-shot rang out somewhere in the house, and she was frightened. While she stood hesitating which way to run a door swung to, and Lady Wyse walked across the hall, with a basin steaming in her hands. She went in at another door, and Joey followed her, clutching her newspapers.

Dwala sat up in bed, propped against pillows, with ghastly, hollow eyes; and on the chair beside him was Mr. Cato, pale and dishevelled, fast asleep. A cold wave of disappointment surged over Joey. Was this what Missing Links looked like? But he smiled at her, and the old feeling of fellowship came back.

‘Have you heard the news?’ said Joey.

Dwala nodded. ‘What do they say?’

Joey read him column on column of frantic outcry, at all of which he smiled gently.

‘This is our joke,’ he said, at last, to Lady Wyse.

‘It’s not our best.’

Then there came a tap at the door, and a gentle voice saying:

‘May I come in?’

Lady Lillico had been awoken by a dream with the sound of a shot in it. Nine o’clock! Why, where was Harper? She rang, and rang in vain. Then she looked out of window, and smiled and nodded at the crowd. How sweet of them to be so anxious about the poor dear Prince! And still no Harper. Never mind! One must expect to rough it in a house of sickness. She knotted her hair and slipped on her dressing-gown; a first visit in déshabillé lends a motherly grace to a nurse’s part.

She tripped lightly down the silent stairs to Dwala’s room.

‘May I come in?’

She tip-toed up to the bed with a ceremonious face. Mr. Cato frowned; Lady Wyse looked at her with cold curiosity.

‘Have you heard the news?’ said Joey, rustling a newspaper.

‘Evidently not,’ said Lady Wyse.

‘It’s all come out,’ said Mr. Cato, sepulchrally.

‘What’s come out?’ said his sister, scared. ‘I’ve heard nothing.’

Joey thrust the paper at her with an indicating finger.

She stared for a long time at the words without understanding; then fell into a chair and laughed hysterically.

‘What do you think of it now they’ve caught it?’ whispered Dwala, turning white eyes towards her.

‘Well, really, you ridiculous creature!’ she exclaimed, flapping at him with a little lace handkerchief, half coquettishly, half as if keeping something off. ‘It’s so out of the common.... The Prime Minister!... One doesn’t know what to say!’

‘He’s dying,’ said Mr. Cato.

‘Wyndham! How can you!’

‘Lady Wyse must go and get some sleep now; you will take her place.’

‘Don’t be idiotic! I should be no use. Oh dear, oh dear! Where can Harper be?’

‘Sit down, Louisa!’ said Mr. Cato sternly, barring her way. ‘Lady Wyse has been up all night.’

‘Don’t be so cruel.... Let me go! let me go!’ she screamed in an access of sudden fear, wrenched herself free from him, and ran towards the door.

Then abruptly her horror leaped up and overwhelmed her; the instinct of flying from the incomprehensible—the instinct of the horse which shies at a piece of moving paper—was swallowed up in the nightmare of realising that the impossible had happened, was in this very room with her. This man she had come to nurse, this man with whom she had talked and shaken hands, was suddenly not a man, but something unknown and monstrous, of another world. Her faculties failed, as at sight of a ghost, not in fear of injury, but in the mere awfulness of the alien power. She staggered out at the door crying ‘Save me! save me!’ threw her hands forward in her first natural gesture since childhood, and fell swooning in the hall. When she came back to consciousness, after long journeying in nightmare worlds, she heard angry voices speaking near her.

‘Let me out, d—— you!’ said Hartopp—that dreadful Mr. Hartopp—‘they’re throwing stones at my windows, I tell you. They’ll smash my china! Let me get at the brutes!’

‘This door ain’t goin’ to be opened till the Prince is re-moved.’

It was the American who answered him. He stood with his hat on, leaning against the barred and bolted hall-door, his arms folded and a pistol drooping from either hand.

‘D—— the ——!’ said Hartopp. ‘Why don’t you chuck him out and have done with it? It’s all his fault.’

‘Thank God you’re back!’ said Lady Wyse’s voice right over Lady Lillico’s head. ‘Have you arranged it?’

‘The Boss is agreeable,’ said the American. ‘The “Phineas” will be at Blackwall at twelve o’clock, steam up. One of his vans is waitin’ down back in Butlin Street now, and we must shift the Prince at once, before any onpleasantness begins. There was no other way; the Prince will hev to go as an anamal.’

A stone came jingling through the window beside them, and others followed in showers.

‘B—— brutes!’ said the blind man.

‘Where’s Huxtable?’ said Lady Wyse.

‘Huxtable’s gone.’

‘Skunk!’ said Joey.

‘Not quite a skunk,’ said the American; ‘“skunk” is goin’ too fur.’

There was a roar and a rush outside, battle cries, shrieks of despairing whistles, and a moment later a heavy battering at the mahogany of the front door.

Lady Lillico, fully conscious at last, jumped up with piercing yells. She ran this way and that, bewildered.

‘We must get the Prince away quickly,’ said Lady Wyse, going towards his room.

‘Oh, let me out, let me out somewhere!’ cried Lady Lillico. Joey ran past with her tongue thrust mockingly forth, like a heraldic lion gardant.

‘Here, give me your pistols,’ said the blind man; ‘I’ll give the brutes what for!’

Slowly and heavily they carried Dwala out across the hall, wrapped in his blankets like a gigantic mummy; while Hartopp stood in an expectant joy of ferocity guarding the entrance. Down the kitchen passage they carried him, and out into the high-walled garden—with Lady Lillico flitting like a Banshee before them—through the stable-yard, and into the deserted street, where the van was waiting for them. Public Opinion, so rigorous once in its denunciation of ‘frontal attacks,’ seemed to have forgotten the ‘lessons of the Boer War.’ When the big door was battered down, and the furious crowd broke in, half a dozen of them fell mortally wounded before Hartopp was overpowered. The old Fence died, fighting like a tiger for his property.


What was Dwala thinking of as he lumbered slowly through the length of London in that menagerie van? Was he laughing quietly to himself at the thought that he, the saviour of England, the superhuman mind, was being hustled secretly out of England, for a trivial pride of species, as if he had committed some unspeakable crime? Was he weeping at the nearness of his separation from this handful of faithful friends? Probably not. His mind, withdrawn to the innermost darkness of the caves, was probably busy with the trivial thoughts which beset men at such times. It is only in the last moment that the soul throws off the load of little things, and, soaring like a bird, sees Life and Death spreading in their vastness beneath it. He lay still, with his eyes shut, and his temples hollow with decay. Lady Lillico was fast asleep, under a black cloak which somebody had thrown over her. The rest sat silent in the jolting twilight with their feet in the straw.

‘It’s a lesson for all of us,’ murmured Mr. Cato at last.

‘It’s that,’ said the American; ‘it p’ints a moral sharp enough to hurt.’


As Mr. Cato stood with Joey on the jetty, watching the last moments of departure, the American came to the bulwarks with Lady Wyse, and, leaning over, beckoned him.

‘“Skunk” was goin’ too fur for Huxtable. I’ve just bin tellin’ Lady Wyse; he shot himself whin the noos came. I found him lyin’ in his room.’

‘Was he dead?’ murmured Mr. Cato, awestruck at the fall of an enemy.

The American nodded.

‘Deader’n a smelt.’

‘I wish I were dead too!’ said Mr. Cato bitterly.

The American made a motion of diving with his joined hands. Mr. Cato shook his head.

‘I have my two sisters to look after.’

‘I wish you joy.’

Then the cables were loosed, the screw snorted in the water, the American waved, and followed Lady Wyse into the cabin; the boat slid away from the jetty, and, slowly turning in mid-stream, reared its defiant head towards the sea.


After many days of alert and passive silence, Dwala died on his pallet on the deck. He turned his face sideways down into the pillow, as if to hide the smile that was rising to his lips; then breathed one deep, luxurious sigh, and was ended. They wrapped him in sacking, with an iron reel at his feet; and in the cold, clear morning, when the sun mounted flat and yellow to its daily course and the low mists smoked this way and that along the waves, they slid him without a word off a door and over the bulwarks.

Down, down through the crystal indifference, wavering gently to his appointed place in the rocky bottom of the rapt thicket of weeds; losing the last remnant of individuality as the motion ceased; indistinguishable from a little heap of sand; lying careless and obscure, like some tired animal which has crept to rest in the wild garden of a crumbled castle in an empty world, long since abandoned and forgotten by mankind.

The ‘Phineas’ paused for a moment in mid-ocean, the only living thing of its tribe upon the waters without a purpose straining in its hull. The hesitation lasted only a moment. The boat swung round, took one look at the horizon, then dashed forwards again on the home journey to England and new work.

England had gone back to its occupations. The papers spoke of the return of political sanity; of the rejection of ideas from a tainted source; of the restoration of the system which had been the bulwark of our greatness through so many centuries. The composition of Lord Glendover’s Cabinet attested his sincere intention of putting public affairs on a business-like and efficient footing.

There is no remedy for the errors of Democracy; there is no elasticity of energy to fulfil purposes conceived on a larger scale than its every-day thought. Other systems may be purged by the rising waves of national life; but Democracy is exhaustive.

PRINTED BY
SPOTTISWOODE AND CO. LTD., NEW-STREET SQUARE
LONDON

BY THE SAME AUTHOR.

THIRD IMPRESSION. With 16 Illustrations by the Author.

Crown 8vo. 3s. 6d.

DOWNY V. GREEN,

RHODES SCHOLAR AT OXFORD.


PRESS OPINIONS.

TIMES.—‘We never remember to have read anything which more compelled laughter than these too-few pages. We have a perfect carnival of American slang.... The line illustrations, which are by the author, are in some cases admirable; we may say comparable with Mr. Kipling’s.’

DAILY TELEGRAPH.—‘It is one of the best bits of fooling we have read for a long time, and is written by one who knows Oxford perfectly, and has a command of American slang which Mark Twain himself might envy.... This little book, which is cleverly illustrated by the author, deserves as wide a vogue as its predecessor “Verdant.” Its humour is quite as irresistible and more subtle.’

PALL MALL GAZETTE.—‘A delightful skit.... We do not think anyone has hit off better than Mr. Calderon the extraordinary cocksureness, volubility, and linguistic exuberance of the typical American, yet he never allows his humour to get out of hand. The Oxford characters are marked with the same sureness of touch.’

GUARDIAN.—‘If one must compare Downy with Verdant, the descendant’s experiences are the better for being written by an Oxford man, while Verdant’s were not. The satire is as admirable as the farce; but, on the whole, Downy as Verdant makes one rather laugh aloud than smile.’

WORLD.—‘The fun is kept up with an unflagging spirit and ingenuity that render the skit—which the author has embellished with some diverting illustrations from his own evidently facile pencil—a by no means unworthy comparison to “Verdant Green” itself.’

OXFORD MAGAZINE.—‘Mr. Downy V. Green is an American grandson of the immortal Verdant, and it is not too much to say that he is fully worthy of his lineage. From the moment one embarks upon his adventures it is difficult to lay them down. Mr. Calderon has a biting humour, and spares neither Oxford nor America.’

MANCHESTER GUARDIAN.—‘A really capital narrative, in which an accurate knowledge of Oxford life is combined with a marvellously wide knowledge of the American language.... Nothing is more admirable than the fertility which enables him to avoid employing English without making his substitute for it grow tedious.’

SPECTATOR.—‘Our readers may take our assurance that the book is amusing in a high degree.’

ATHENÆUM.—‘Mr. Calderon has an amazing command of picturesque slang and metaphor from overseas, and, as befits the son of a late distinguished artist, has himself provided excellent illustrations of his ideas.’

DAILY MAIL.—‘Most excellent fooling.... His sketches possess a crude, rude vigour that remind the faithful of the immortal pencil of Michael Angelo Titmarsh. He has it in him to become a humorist of the first order.’

VARSITY.—‘The whole book is full of rollicking humour from cover to cover.’

GLASGOW HERALD.—‘The book is capitally written, and evidently from a first-hand knowledge of student life. It is full of humour—American humour and Oxford humour—and is altogether an excellent book of its kind.’

ILLUSTRATED EDITIONS

OF

POPULAR WORKS.

Handsomely bound in cloth gilt, each volume containing Four Illustrations. Crown 8vo. 3s. 6d. each.

THE SMALL HOUSE AT ALLINGTON. By Anthony Trollope.
FRAMLEY PARSONAGE. By Anthony Trollope.
THE CLAVERINGS. By Anthony Trollope.
TRANSFORMATION: a Romance. By Nathaniel Hawthorne.
DOMESTIC STORIES. By the Author of ‘John Halifax, Gentleman.’
THE MOORS AND THE FENS. By Mrs. J. H. Riddell.
WITHIN THE PRECINCTS. By Mrs. Oliphant.
CARITÀ. By Mrs. Oliphant.
FOR PERCIVAL. By Margaret Veley.
NO NEW THING. By W. E. Norris.
LOVE THE DEBT. By Richard Ashe King (‘Basil’).
WIVES AND DAUGHTERS. By Mrs. Gaskell.
NORTH AND SOUTH. By Mrs. Gaskell.
SYLVIA’S LOVERS. By Mrs. Gaskell.
CRANFORD, and other Stories. By Mrs. Gaskell.
MARY BARTON, and other Stories. By Mrs. Gaskell.
RUTH; THE GREY WOMAN, and other Stories. By Mrs. Gaskell.
LIZZIE LEIGH; A DARK NIGHT’S WORK, and other Stories. By Mrs. Gaskell.

THE CHEAPER ILLUSTRATED EDITION

OF THE

Works of W. M. THACKERAY.

26 Volumes, crown 8vo. 3s. 6d. each. Sets in cloth, £4. 11s.

Containing nearly all the small Woodcut Illustrations of the former Editions, and many new Illustrations by eminent Artists. This Edition contains altogether 1,773 Illustrations.

Specimen Illustration from the Cheaper Illustrated Edition of W. M. Thackeray’s Works.


OTHER EDITIONS OF MR. THACKERAY’S WORKS.

THE BIOGRAPHICAL EDITION. In 13 volumes, large crown 8vo. cloth
gilt top, 6s. each. Prospectus upon application.

THE STANDARD EDITION. 26 vols. large 8vo. 10s. 6d. each.

Only some of the Volumes are in print. Particulars upon application.

THE LIBRARY EDITION. 24 vols. large crown 8vo. handsomely bound in
cloth, £9. With Illustrations by the Author, Richard Doyle, and Frederick Walker.

The Volumes are sold separately, in cloth, 7s. 6d. each.

THE POPULAR EDITION. 13 vols. crown 8vo. with Frontispiece to each
Volume, 5s. each.

Only some of the Volumes are in print. Particulars upon application.

THE POCKET EDITION. 27 vols. in cloth, with gilt top, 1s. 6d. each; or in
paper cover, 1s. each.

The Volumes are also supplied as follows:—

THE NOVELS. 13 vols. in gold-lettered cloth case, 21s.

THE MISCELLANIES. 14 vols. in gold-lettered cloth case, 21s.

WORKS BY F. ANSTEY.

THE BRASS BOTTLE. By F. Anstey, Author of ‘Vice Versâ,’ ‘The Giant’s Robe,’ ‘A Fallen Idol,’ &c. With a Frontispiece. Third Impression. Crown 8vo. 6s.

From THE SPECTATOR.—‘In his logical conduct of an absurd proposition, in his fantastic handling of the supernatural, in his brisk dialogue and effective characterisation, Mr. Anstey has once more shown himself to be an artist and a humourist of uncommon and enviable merit.’

From PUNCH.—‘For weirdness of conception, for skilful treatment, and for abounding humour, Mr. Anstey’s last, my Baronite avers, is a worthy companion of his first (“Vice Versâ”).’

THE TALKING HORSE and other Tales. Popular Edition. Crown 8vo. 6s. Cheap Edition. Crown 8vo. limp red cloth, 2s. 6d.

From THE SATURDAY REVIEW.—‘A capital set of stories, thoroughly clever and witty, often pathetic, and always humorous.’

From THE ATHENÆUM.—‘The grimmest of mortals, in his most surly mood, could hardly resist the fun of “The Talking Horse.”’

THE GIANT’S ROBE. Popular Edition. Crown 8vo. 6s. Cheap Edition. Crown 8vo. limp red cloth, 2s. 6d.

From THE PALL MALL GAZETTE.—‘The main interest of the book, which is very strong indeed, begins when Vincent returns, when Harold Caffyn discovers the secret, when every page threatens to bring down doom on the head of the miserable Mark. Will he confess? Will he drown himself? Will Vincent denounce him? Will Caffyn inform on him? Will his wife abandon him?—we ask eagerly as we read and cannot cease reading till the puzzle is solved in a series of exciting situations.’

THE PARIAH. Popular Edition. Crown 8vo. 6s. Cheap Edition. Crown 8vo. limp red cloth, 2s. 6d.

From THE SATURDAY REVIEW.—‘In “The Pariah” we are more than ever struck by the sharp intuitive perception and the satirical balancing of judgment which make the author’s writings such extremely entertaining reading. There is not a dull page—we might say, not a dull sentence—in it....’

VICE VERSÂ; or, a Lesson to Fathers. Cheap Edition. Crown 8vo. limp red cloth, 2s. 6d.

From THE SATURDAY REVIEW.—‘If ever there was a book made up from beginning to end of laughter, and yet not a comic book, or a “merry” book, or a book of jokes, or a book of pictures, or a jest book, or a tomfool book, but a perfectly sober and serious book, in the reading of which a sober man may laugh without shame from beginning to end, it is the book called “Vice Versâ; or, a Lesson to Fathers.”... We close the book, recommending it very earnestly to all fathers in the first instance, and their sons, nephews, uncles, and male cousins next.’

A FALLEN IDOL. Cheap Edition. Crown 8vo. limp red cloth, 2s. 6d.

From THE TIMES.—‘Will delight the multitudinous public that laughed over “Vice Versâ.”... The boy who brings the accursed image to Champion’s house, Mr. Bales, the artist’s factotum, and above all Mr. Yarker, the ex-butler who has turned policeman, are figures whom it is as pleasant to meet as it is impossible to forget.’

LYRE AND LANCET. With 24 Full-page Illustrations. Crown 8vo. limp red cloth, 2s. 6d.

From THE SPEAKER.—‘Mr. Anstey has surpassed himself in “Lyre and Lancet.”... One of the brightest and most entertaining bits of comedy we have had for many a day.’

London: SMITH, ELDER, & CO., 15 Waterloo Place, S.W.

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES:

Obvious typographical errors have been corrected.

Inconsistencies in hyphenation have been standardized.

Archaic or variant spelling has been retained.