CHAPTER X.
Pa Had the Hardest Time of His Life in Paris—Pa Drinks Some Goat Milk Which Gives Him Ptomaine Poison in His Inside Works—Pa Attends the Airship Club in the Country—Pa Draws on American Government for $10,000.
Pa has had the hardest time of his life in Paris, and if I ever pitied a man it was Pa.
You see that last fly in the airship pretty near caused him to cash in his chips and go over the long road to the hereafter, cause he got blood poison from the thorns that run into him where he landed in the top limbs of the thorn apple tree, and he sprained his arm and one hind leg while being taken down with a derrick, and then before we left the country town for Paris he drank some goat’s milk, which gave him ptomaine poison in his inside works, and a peasant woman who sewed up his pants where they were torn on the tree pricked him with a needle, and he swelled up so he was unable to sit in a car seat, and his face was scratched by the thorns of the tree, and there were blotches all over him, so when we got to Paris the health officers thought he had smallpox and sent him to a pest house, and they wouldn’t let me in, but vaccinated me and turned me loose, and I went to the hotel and told about where Pa was and all about it, and they put our baggage in a sort of oven filled with sulphur and disinfected it and stole some of it, and they made me sleep in a dog kennel, and for weeks I had to keep out of sight, until Pa was discharged from the hospital, and the friends of Pa out at the airship club in the country got Pa’s airship that he bought for a government out of the tree and took it to the club and presented a bill for two hundred dollars, and I only had seven dollars, so they held it for ransom.
Gee, but I worried about Pa!
Well, one day Pa showed up at the hotel looking like he had been in a railroad wreck, and he was so thin his clothes had to be pinned up with safety pins, and he had spent all his money and was bursted.
The man who hired Pa in Washington to go abroad and buy airships for the government told Pa to use his own money for a month or two and then draw on the secretary of the treasury for all he needed, so before Pa went to the hospital he drew on his government for ten thousand dollars, and when he came back there was a letter for him from the American consul in Paris telling him to call at the office, so Pa went there and they arrested him on the charge of skull dugging. They said he had no right to draw for any money on the government at Washington. Pa showed his papers with the big seal on, and the consul laughed in Pa’s face, and Pa was hot under the collar and wanted to fight, but they showed him that the papers he had were no good, and that he had been buncoed by some fakir in Washington, who got five hundred dollars from Pa for securing him a job as government agent, and all his papers authorized him to do was to travel at his own expense and to buy all the airships he wanted to with his own money, and Pa had a fit. All the money he had spent was a dead loss, and all he had to show for it was a punctured airship, which he was afraid to ride in.
Pa swore at the government, at the consul and at the man who buncoed him, and they released him from arrest when he promised that he would not pose any more as a government agent, and we went back to the hotel.
“Well, this is a fine scrape you have got me in,” says Pa, as we went to our room. “What in thunder did I have to do about it?” says I, just like that. “I wasn’t with you when you framed up this job and let a man in Washington skin you out of your money by giving you a soft snap which has exploded in your hands. Gee, Pa, what you need is a maid or a valet or something that will hold on to your wad.” Pa said he didn’t need anybody to act as a guardian to him, cause he had all the money he needed in his letter of credit to the American Express Company in Paris, and he knew how to spend his money freely, but he did hate to be buncoed and made the laughing stock of two continents.
So Pa and I went down to the express office, and Pa gave the man in charge a paper, and the grand hailing sign of distress, and he handed out bags of gold and bales of bills, and Pa hid a lot in his leather belt and put some in his pockets, and said: “Come on, Henry, and we will see this town and buy it if we like it.”
Well, we went out after dark and took in the concert halls and things, and Pa drank wine and I drank nothing but ginger ale, and women who waited on us sat in Pa’s lap and patted his bald head and tried to feel in his pockets, but Pa held on to their wrists and told them to keep away, and he took one across his knee and slapped her across the pajamas with a silver tray, and I thought Pa was real saucy.
A head waiter whispered to me and wanted to know what ailed the old sport, and I told him Pa was bitten by a wolf in our circus last year and we feared he was going to have hydrophobia, and always when these spells come on the only thing to do was to throw him into a tank of water, and I should be obliged to them if they would take Pa and duck him in the fountain in the center of the cafe and save his life.
Pa was making up with the girl he had paddled with the silver tray, buying champagne for her and drinking some of it himself out of her slipper, when the head waiter called half a dozen Frenchmen who were doing police duty and told them to duck Pa in the fountain, and they grabbed him by the collar and the pants and made him walk turkey towards the fountain, and he held on to the girl, and the Frenchmen threw Pa and the girl into the brink with a flock of ducks, and they went under water, and Pa came up first yelling murder, and then the girl came up hanging to Pa’s neck, and she gave a French yell of agony, and Pa gave the grand hailing sign of distress and yelled to know if there was not an American present that would protect an American citizen from the hands of a Paris mob. The crowd gathered around the circular fountain basin, and one drunken fellow jumped in the water and was going to hold Pa’s head under water while the girl found his money, when Pa yelled “Hey, Rube,” the way they do in a circus when there is a fight, and by ginger it wasn’t a second before half a dozen old circus men that used to belong to the circus when Pa was manager in the States made a rush for the fountain, knocked the Frenchmen gally west and pulled Pa out of the water and let him drain off, and they said, “Hello, old man, how did you happen to let them drown you?” and Pa saw who the boys were and he hugged them and invited them to all take something and then go to his hotel.
When Pa paid the check for the drinks they charged in two ducks they said Pa killed in the tank by falling on them. But Pa paid it and was so tickled to meet the old circus boys that he gave the girl he went in swimming with a twenty franc note, and after staying until along towards morning we all got into and on top of a hack and went to the hotel and sat up till daylight talking things over.
We found the Circus boys were on the way to Germany to go with the Hagenbach outfit to South Africa to capture Wild Animals for circuses, and when Pa told the boss, who was one of Hagenbach’s managers, about his airship and what a dandy thing it would be to sail around where the lions and tigers live in the Jungle, and lasso them from up in the air, out of danger, he engaged Pa and me to go along, and I guess we will know all about Africa pretty soon.
The next day we went out to the club where Pa keeps his airship, with the boss of Hagenbach’s outfit and a cowboy that used to be with Pa’s circus, to practice lassoing things. They got out the machine and Pa steered it, and the boss and I were passengers, and the cowboy was on the railing in front with his lariat rope, and we sailed along about fifty feet high over the farms, until we saw a big goat. The cowboy motioned for Pa to steer towards the goat, and when we got near enough the cowboy threw the rope over the goat’s horns and tightened it up, and Mr. Goat came right along with us, bleating and fighting. We led the goat about half a mile over some fences, and finally came down to the ground to examine our catch, and we landed all right, and Hagenbach’s boss said it was the greatest scheme that ever was for catching wild animals, and he doubled Pa’s salary and said we would pack up the next day and go to the Hagenbach farm in Germany and take a steamer for South Africa in a week.
They were talking it over and the cowboy had released the goat, when that animal made a charge with his head on our party. He struck Pa below the belt, butted the boss in the trousers until he laid down and begged for mercy, stabbed the cowboy with his horns and then made a hop, skip and jump for the gas bag, burst a hole in it, and when the gas began to escape the goat’s horns got caught in the gas bag and the goat died from the effects of the gas, and we were all glad until about fifty peasant women came across the fields with agricultural implements and were going to kill us all.
Pa said, “Well, what do you know about that,” but the women were fierce and wanted our blood. The boss could talk French, and he offered to give them the goat to settle it, but they said it was their goat any way, and they wanted blood or damages.
Pa said it was easier to give damages than blood, and just as they were going to cut up the gas bag the boss settled with them for about twenty dollars, and hired them to haul the airship to the nearest station, and we shipped it to Berlin and got ready to follow the next day.
Pa says we will have a high old time in Africa. He says he wants to ride up to a lion’s den in his airship and dare the fiercest lion to come out and fight, and that he wouldn’t like any better fun than to ride over a royal bengal tiger in the jungle and reach down and grab his tail and make him synawl like a tom cat on a fence in the alley.
He talks about riding down a herd of elephants and picking out the biggest ones and roping them; and the way Pa is going to scare rhinoceroses and hippopotamuses and make them bleat like calves is a wonder.
I think Pa is the bravest man I ever saw, when he tells it, but I noticed when we had that goat by the horns and he was caught in a barbed wire fence, so the airship had to slow down until he came loose, Pa turned as pale as a sheet, and when the goat bucked him in the stomach Pa’s lips moved as though in praying. Well, anyway, this trip to Africa to catch wild animals is going to show what kind of sand there is in all of us.
CHAPTER XI.
The Boy and His Pa Leave France and Go to Germany, Where They Buy an Airship—They Get the Airship Safely Landed—Pa and the Boy With the Airship Start for South Africa—Pa Shows the Men What Power He Has Over the Animal Kingdom.
I was awful glad to get out of France and into Germany, and when we had got the airship safely landed at the Hagenbach stock farm and boxed and baled ready to load on a boat for South Africa, and all hands had drank a few schooners of beer, and felt brave enough to tackle any wild animal that walks the earth, I listened to the big talk and the gestures, though I couldn’t understand a word they said, except when they held up their fingers for more beer.
I felt that we had got among Americans again, because all a German needs to be an American is to be able to talk a little broken English. The French are all right in their way, but they are too polite. If a Frenchman wants to order you out of his place he is so polite about it that you think he wants you to stay there always and be at home.
If a German wants you to get out he says “Rouse” in a hoarse voice, and if you don’t rouse he gives you a swift kick in the pants and you instinctively catch on to the fact that you are due some other place.
The Germans that are with us on the animal hunt in South Africa all speak English, and while at the Hagenbach farm Pa convinced everybody that he was the bravest animal man in the world, “cause he would go up to any cage where the animals had been tamed and act as free with them as though he did not know fear,” and he went around in his shirt sleeves the way he used to in the circus, and would pat a lion on the head, and if the animal growled Pa would scowl at him and make the lion believe Pa was king of beasts.
Pa has found that putting on a pair of automobile goggles and getting down on his hands and knees and crawling towards the animal in captivity frightens the animal into a fit, but I guess when he tries that stunt on wild animals on the veldt of Africa he will find it does not work so well.
I expect to have to bring Pa back the way they transport canned sausage, after a few wild lions and tigers and hippopotamuses have used him for a cud to chew on.
Before we took the steamer for South Africa I had the first serious talk with Pa that I have had since I joined him in Paris. I said, “Pa, don’t you think this idea of chasing wild animals in Africa with an airship is going to be a sort of a dangerous proposition?” and Pa began to look brave, and he said, “Hennery, this is an age of progress, and we have to get out of the rut, and catch up with the procession and lead it. The old way of capturing wild animals by enticing them into baited traps and letting them touch a spring and imprison themselves is about as dangerous as catching mice in a wire trap with a piece of cheese for bait.
“Of course, we shall take along all of the traps and things usually used for that purpose, because roping animals from an airship is only an experiment, and we want to be on the safe side, but if the airship proves a success I will be considered the pioneer in airship wild animal capturing, and all animal men will bow down to your Pa, see, and my fortune will be made. We will get into the animal country and locate a few lions and tigers, first, and sail over their lairs in the jungle, and while I hold the steering apparatus our cowboys will sit on the bamboo rails of the ship and throw the rope over their necks, and when they find we have got them where the hair is short they will lie down and bleat like a calf, and when we dismount and go up to them to tie their legs they will be so tame they will eat out of your hand.
“I have got it all figured out in my mind and I don’t want you or anybody else to butt in with any discouraging talk, for I won’t have it.”
“But suppose the airship gets caught in a tree?” I said to Pa. “Well, then, we will tie up and catch baboons,” said Pa. “Everything goes with your Pa, Hennery.”
Well, it was like moving a circus to get the stuff loaded for South Africa, as we had more than fifty cages to put animals in to bring home, and tents and food enough for an arctic expedition, and over two hundred men, and several tame lionesses and female tigers to use for decoys, and some elephants for Judases to rope in the wild animals, and when we got started it was more than a week before we struck the coast of Africa, and all there was to do on the trip was to play poker and practice on the tame animals.
We almost lost a tame lioness. Pa wanted to show the men what power he had over the animal kingdom and he induced the manager to turn Carrie Nation, the big lioness, loose on deck, while Pa put on his auto goggles and scared her. Gee, but I thought I was an orphan for sure. The boys had trained that lioness to be a retriever, like a water spaniel, and on every trip some of the boys would jump overboard when there was no sea on and let Carrie jump over the rail and rescue them, so when they let her out she thought there was going to be a chance for her to get her regular salt water bath, and that it was expected that she would do her stunt at rescuing a human being.
When she was let out of her cage and the crowd was lined up all around the rail, and she saw Pa in the middle of the deck, on all fours, with the black goggles on, she looked around at the crowd of her friends as much as to say, “What is the joke?” but she sidled up to Pa and lashed her tail around and began to play with Pa as a kitten would play with a ball of yarn.
She put her paw on Pa and rolled him over, and when Pa got right side up and crawled towards her looking fierce, she side stepped and cuffed him on the jaw and everybody laughed except Pa.
Then Pa thought he would make a grandstand play and drive her back in her cage, and he started towards her real fast on his hands and knees, and gave a “honk-honk” like an auto, and we thought she was scared, but I guess she wasn’t frightened so you would notice it, for she jumped sideways and got around behind Pa, and I said, “Sick him, Carrie,” and by gosh she grabbed Pa by the slack of his pants and made a rush for the railing, and before I could grab her by the tail she jumped right overboard with Pa in her mouth, and landed kersplash in the deep blue sea, with Pa yelling to the men to take her off.
Pa Gave a “Honk, Honk” Like an Auto, But the Lion Wasn’t Frightened So You Would Notice.
We all rushed to the rail, and I began to cry, but the boys told me not to be scared, as Carrie would bring Pa to the yawl all right.
The men launched a life boat and the lioness was swimming around with Pa in her teeth, as though she was a dog with a rag doll in its mouth.
Pa was swallowing salt water and saying something that sounded like “Now I lay me,” and Carrie was trying to keep his head out of the water by lifting hard on his pants, and finally the life boat got near them and they grabbed Pa by the legs and pulled him in and he laid down in the bottom of the boat, and the lioness climbed over the side and began to shake herself, and then she licked the salt water off, and when the boat came alongside she jumped up on the deck and rolled over and turned somersaults, and then they pulled Pa on deck and when he got his sea legs on he said to the manager of the expedition and the captain of the boat, “Gentlemen, I have rescued your lion, and I claim salvage, and you can give me credit for whatever she is worth as a show animal,” and then Carrie went to her cage, and everybody patted Pa on the back and made him think he had saved a thousand-dollar lion from drowning.
Pa asked me to accompany him to our stateroom, and when the door was closed and he saw my tear-stained face, he said, “You think you are dam smart, don’t you? I heard you say sick him to that old moth-eaten lion, and now don’t you ever interfere with my plans again. I got that lion so frightened by my fierce look, and the noise I made, that she jumped overboard, and I went along to save her. Now, help me off with my clothes and rub me down, and I will go out and chase a tiger round the deck, and make it climb up into the rigging and beg to be taken down. That is the kind of a man your Pa is,” and Pa began to shuck himself, and I rubbed him down as if he was a race horse. I can see that when we come to the wild animal fields Pa is going to astonish the natives.
We landed at a port in South Africa in the night, and before morning we had all our stuff on a special train and about daylight we pulled out for a place about three hundred miles from the coast, and the next day we were in camp with the tents all up and the cages in place, and had engaged two hundred negroes with no clothes on to help us.
When they saw the airship spread out ready to be filled with gas when we got ready to use it, some of them deserted, but we got others to take their places.
I suppose when we fill that gas bag with chemical gas and it begins to flop around, there won’t be a negro left in Africa.
We were in wild animal country all right. The first night the lions in the jungle kept us awake, and Carrie Nation answered every time the wild lions bellowed, until Pa had to go and maul her with a bamboo club.
The next morning there were lion tracks all around camp, and Pa says the trouble is going to be that the lions will hunt us instead of our having to go after them.
A drove of zebras stampeded by our camp the first morning, a couple of giraffes were looking us over from a hill top, and a rhinoceros went through the camp and stole a smoked ham.
Pa is so scared he stays in his tent most of the time and shivers. He says he has got chills and fever, but I can tell when a man’s heart comes up in his mouth, and chokes him.
I told him this morning that if he showed the white feather now it was all off with him, and the Hagenbach’s would leave him in Africa to be adopted by a tribe. Pa said, “You watch me when we get to catching animals. I will make any animal that crosses my path think he has run into a live wire.”
Well, I hope Pa will not be a coward.