ACT III.
(Hallway of the DeSmythe house. Flowers on extra tables, cards attached. Door bell in vestibule rings constantly; flowers and packages arriving. Maude's picture hat, gloves and fan on chair. Mr. Bulbus on ladder, measuring the wall. Katherine enters and re-enters, with flowers and gifts. Miss Hoppenhoer flits in and out. Everybody nervous.)
Katherine The bill's been a-ringin' all morning like that. (arranges flowers).
Mr. B. I should think you'd be tired. Ain't yer?
Katherine No, it's as exciting as a wedding.
Mr. B. You wimmen like weddin's. I never see a woman as didn't.
Katherine (wonderingly). Are you going to decorate the hall?
Mr. B. (largely). Of course,–palms and ropes of smilax–
(Enter Jack, carrying his hat and gloves.)
Jack (agreeably). Good morning, Katherine. I let myself in, you not being a regiment. (Katherine goes). Good morning, Mr. Bulbus. You look pretty festive in here. (examines bouquets, reading cards aloud and commenting). "Compliments of Harold Taylor."–Umph, got them here in time, I should say. "With love of Edith."–girls always put on "with love of." "Wishing you a joyous day. Dick Dowell." That's nice of Dick, considering the late unpleasantness. "Lucile," of course; "Lucile" in white and gold! A girl couldn't graduate unless she had three 'Luciles' and a 'Maurine!' Golden Gate roses! Whew, that means dough! Professor Graham, I'll bet! He's got dough and cheek–
(Maude runs down the stairs.)
Jack O, hello, Maude! (gives a long whistle). Aren't we fine? Swagger!
Maude (imploringly). Jack, how do I look?
Jack Turn around,–slowly. (Maude revolves very slowly.)
Maude (anxiously). Well?
Jack You look–you look–out of sight! By George, you do!
Maude (caressing her dress skirt). You like the train?
(Mr. Bulbus gets down and goes out, unnoticed by Maude.)
Jack It's splendid. You're a–a queen! I'd kiss you–
Maude (startled). H-u-s-h! Mr. Bulbus!
Jack (coolly). Oh, he's gone.
Maude Goodness, what if he'd been there!
Jack (comfortably). He wasn't.
Maude (trying to see the back of her train in glass). But you didn't know it!
Jack Don't you think I didn't know it! 'Spose I want to make the poor duffer green with envy? I can't kiss you anyway, you're too fine.
Maude No, I can't even sit down! Jack, you look awfully handsome.
Jack Thank you. Would you wear a rose?
Maude Of course–one of Dick's. Nice of Dick, wasn't it? (gets one; puts it on; an operation requiring time and patience).
Jack Don't leave so much green show. I want a contrast, not a study in tints.
Maude Don't touch me! Hold your arms out straight.
Jack (standing like a sign post). Then hurry up! I am not the stuff martyrs are made of.
Maude Is that all right?
Jack Stand off and get the effect. How can I tell?
Maude (standing back). Put down your arms!
Jack (obediently). Well?
Maude (with enthusiasm). Perfectly lovely! My, I shall be proud of you! For pity's sake, don't look at me!
Jack Can't help it.
Maude I don't mean now–goosey! I mean when I read. If I should forget!
Jack You won't! Keep your eye on Old South Church and–
Maude On what?
Jack I beg your pardon. On Miss Rantum.
Maude Oh! It must be time,–where is everybody?
Jack I'm here, (sits on arm of chair and gazes at her.)
Maude O you, yes! But I mean mamma! I am so nervous!
Jack You girls just try to be nervous. You think it's becoming.
(Enter Mrs. De Smythe, in black silk.)
Mrs. De S. The carriages have come. Where can Papa be?
Maude (in dismay). O, it isn't time, is it? O horrors, where is my essay? Jack, please look in my desk.
(Jack dashes out.)
Maude Mamma, is my hair all right?
Mrs. De S. Yes, Maudie, yes, (dismally) you look lovely.
(Jack dashes in, essay in hand.)
Jack Here it is, but don't practice now.
Maude (pacing the floor). "As a traveler, among the mighty mountains, fails to realize–to realize the heights to which he has climbed, so we, in Life's dusty pathway, cannot estimate the distance we have–we have,–cannot estimate the distance we have–" There, I knew I didn't know it! What shall I do?
Jack (brilliantly). Open your manuscript.
(Katherine enters, with letters and small package.)
Maude (unseeing, resumes). "Deep, deep are the mysteries of nature, infinite are–are–"
Mrs. De S. Maudie, here is a letter from Uncle John. (withholds package).
Maude (drops essay). O, I wonder what he sent! Is this all!
Mrs. De S. Why, Maudie! Read it.
Maude (tears it open; reads). "My dearest Niece: Hail to the happy day! 'Way down here in South Africa, 'mong monkeys and Boers, I feel the excitement. We don't graduate down here, but we know people who do. Never, I know, has the house of De Smythe been so shaken. In honor thereof, I am sending a–a–" O, goodness, I can't–"a diamond ring,"–a diamond! Hasn't it come?
Mrs. De S. Does he say when?
Maude (referring to the letter). He says "I am sending–" Katherine is such a stupy! (calls). Katherine–
Mrs. De S. Maybe this is it. (gives package).
(Katherine comes with pink roses.)
Maude O, O. O.! Isn't it a beauty! Jack, look!
Jack (just glancing). Umph! Yes, I see.
Maude Dear Uncle John! Everybody is so good! It's bigger than Valeria's. Must I wear gloves? I don't care, I just won't.
Mrs. De S. Your roses, Maudie.
Maude O, your roses, Jack! They're lovely!
Jack (slowly). The red weren't pretty, so I got pink. I hope you'll–
Maude (rapturously). I just love pink roses!
(Katherine comes in with a big package.)
Maude (tearing away pink ribbons and tissue papers). "With Valeria's dearest love." A bonbon dish! Isn't it lovely! And violets on it!
Jack (with a grimace). It will hold two pounds!
Maude It isn't a bit too big! If you won't fill it–well, there are others. I'm forgetting my piece. "Deep, deep are the mysteries–"
Jack Are you going to say it?
Maude No, but I must really know it, you know, so I can look up often.
Jack "O, I see clearly," said the blind man.
Mrs. De S. Dear, dear, this is just as if you were getting married! (sinks into a chair; she has been examining the flowers). The presents and the flowers and the carriages and–and everything. O, suppose you were–suppose you were!
Maude (with intense indignation). But I'm not! I'm graduating!
Jack (disconsolately). I don't think they're much alike!
Jack As I came, I saw him at the drug store.
Mrs. De S. The drug store! Why in the world–oh, I remember now,–I sent him. We'll never get off.
(Miss Hoppenhoer's voice is heard from somewhere, "O Jennie!")
Mrs. De S. (rising and collecting things dropped). I wonder what's happened now? I hope Papa isn't killed! (hurries out).
Maude (gazing at her ring). Aren't my presents pretty?
Jack Yes, but you are prettier.
Maude (archly). Thank you, Mr. Hamilton, but aren't you a little rash? (holds roses to her face by way of contrast.)
Jack (critically). No, I think not, on mature consideration. Your hair looks like gold–California gold, and those lovely lilies! Who gave you those lilies-of-the-valley? (suddenly).
Maude (evasively). Why California gold?
Jack O, it's redder, and then, it is a native product. You'd be mad if I said antique gold.
Maude But do you like antique gold better?
Jack That isn't the point. Who gave you those lilies?
Maude Aren't they dear?
Jack (cruelly). Don't know,–didn't buy 'em. Whose tribute are they?
Maude "Tribute" sounds like a funeral.
Jack (with awful meaning). There may be a funeral. Whose are they?
Maude (demurely). Mine.
Jack (with infinite patience). You know what I mean, (with terrible calmness). Who gave you those?
Maude (preparing to cry). You're awfully cross, I think.
(Mr. Bulbus enters in rear hunting something. Maude sees him.)
Jack (unmoved). Who gave you those?
Maude (graciously, sweetly). Mr. Bulbus, the lilies are lovely.
Mr. B. (surprised into dropping a hammer). Yes'sum, I'm glad you–you like 'em. (retreats in confusion.)
Jack Oh! (slowly). That's awfully nice of you.
(Enter Mrs. De Smythe and Miss Hoppenhoer, bonnets and gloves on.)
Mrs. De S. Where is your father? It's time to go.
Jack Past time. Grindem said to be there at 9:30.
Mrs. De S. What shall we do? I knew he would be late! I hope I shall not have an attack!
Miss H. (grimly). No, I hope not–in that dress!
Mrs. De S. As if one's dress made any difference with an attack! O, there he is! Well, Papa, you–good morning, Madam.
(Mr. De Smythe and Madam Sateene come in together.)
Mr. De S. My, how fine we look!
Maude Madam Sateene, this shoulder–wrinkles.
Madam Let me see. (Madam and Maude consult apart.)
Mrs. De S. We ought to go.
Mr. De S. Miss Rantum hasn't come.
Jack (looking up from his own Ms.) O, I forgot! Miss Baked Beans will meet us there. She couldn't come here.
Maude She promised she would!
Mr. De S. All ready. How many of these do we take? (indicating flowers). Need a dray?
Maude Only Jack's–and I carry them. Jack, you carry my essay and fan. (puts on hat). Is it straight? Where are my roses?
(Miss Hoppenhoer gives Mr. De Smythe two shawls and he goes.)
Madam (anxiously). Wait one moment. (adjusts Maude's train). Now.
Miss H. Have you any lemon drops?
Maude Of course not,–nobody carries lemon drops! Where is my handkerchief!
Jack (sheepishly, taking it out of his vest). Here it is.
Mr. De S. (from door). Come on, you people.
Mrs. De S. O dear, dear, I shall never stand it.
Miss H. (collecting salts and fans). We're coming.
Mrs. De S. O dear,–kiss me, Maudie. (sits down exhausted). It's just like a wedding! I can't stand it! Some day you'll be getting married!
(Mr. Bulbus enters in the rear and just stands.)
Jack (cheerfully). I hope so.
Maude (arranging train to carry it gracefully). Poor Mamma!
Mr. De S. (from outside). Come on! Matilda, bring Mamma!
Mrs. De S. O, O, O!
Maude Brace up, Mamma, you must.
Mrs. De S. (to her handkerchief). And only yesterday she was a baby!
Miss H. (snappishly.) And only day before yesterday you were!
Mrs. De S. (from outside). Come on–we must go.
Chorus We're coming! (All start, collecting fans, handkerchiefs, and gathering up trains, adjusting bonnets anew, etc.)
Maude (as they rush for the door). O, look out for my flowers! Jack, got my piece? I know I shall forget! What if we're late? Good-bye, Mr. Bulbus! (all go).
(Curtain drops on Mr. Bulbus, gazing after Maude in a sort of trance.)
EPILOGUE.
(A Wednesday morning in May, 1905. Mr. and Mrs. Jack Hamilton at breakfast. He reading a paper, totally absorbed. She opening her letters; there are two by her plate.)
Maude (reading letter and talking to herself). Well, Well! (reading). I am not angry–not in the least. You dear old girl! (drops letter and meditates). You dear old girl! (resumes reading). I know better,–you wouldn't! (reads about a page without comment, then) W-h-y! Why! O goodness gracious! Jack!
(Jack looks over top of paper absently, then resumes reading.)
Maude (explosively). Jack, what do you think? Only fancy–Valeria is–Jack, listen! Put down your horrid paper! Valeria is married.
(He looks at her vacantly.)
Jack Well?
Maude Well? Listen: Valeria is married.
Jack (waking to the situation). Is that so! Valeria–well, well. I'm not astonished.
Maude (pensively). Why not?
Jack (at a venture). O, because–she is so–so handsome.
Maude (scornfully). She isn't handsome! Where are your eyes? She's clever–clever, that's what Valeria is. But not handsome,–certainly not. She squints.
Jack (staring). I thought you were so fond of her.
Maude (with dignity). I am, I am awfully fond of her–I've always been. But (cuttingly) affection doesn't blind me. I can love her and see her faults. Nobody ever called Valeria handsome.
Jack (hunting his place on the page). Maybe it was stunning.
Maude (with intense emphasis). Stunning!
Jack (turning the page with a prodigious rattling). Hal used to rave over her.
Maude O! Hal, he–don't rattle your paper so, you make me nervous! Hal didn't care for her.
Jack (absently). No, I suppose not, I suppose not. Of course, nobody could.
(Silence. Both read.)
Maude (intent on letter and all to herself). I wonder what she wore! She is too old for white. (reads aloud). "You'll be surprised, my dear." Yes, I confess I am. (gazing at coffee urn thoughtfully). Yes, I am. (resumes reading). Where was I? "I want to tell you first, dear." Here it is. So she did wear white–now, I am astonished. (reads on). For pity sakes! Jack
Jack (starts violently, crushing paper). A man might as well live on Vesuvius.
Maude (in great excitement). But, Jack, guess who married her.
Jack (with calm certainty). The man in the Moon. He's too jolly to mind squints.
Maude Just guess. You never can.
Jack (impatiently, much wrought upon.) Then tell me.
Maude (in an explosive). Hal!
Jack (inanely). Hal!
Maude (calmly, the mine sprung). Hal Taylor.
Jack Hal Taylor. Well, I am–bobbed!
Maude I'm not surprised.
Jack You said Hal didn't care for her.
Maude (very slowly). He doesn't, Jack. Hal was–roped in.
Jack (stares, then gives vent to a long whistle of astonishment). Well, you women!
Maude Don't talk to me. I am disgusted!
Jack (ruefully). Well! (He stares, folds napkin, unfolds it and takes up his newspaper.)
Maude Don't sit there, just saying "Well" all the time!
Jack (slowly). Say, what is it to you?
Maude (sobs a little). She h-has deceived me–basely deceived me. But I don't care. I shall send her a cut-glass berry dish,–maybe a Tiffany c-c-cut! (dries her eyes resolutely). Coffee, dear?
Jack (irritably; a trifle suspicious yet). Yes, don't I always take coffee?
Maude (plaintively). Don't scold me. I cannot endure much more. To think Valeria–
Jack (with decision, carving the steak). Don't think, then. Drop it. What's your other letter?
Maude (sadly). I don't care–I don't care for anything. (takes a biscuit). The biscuits are burned.
Jack No, they are not. Never mind–give the letter to me.
(Maude gazes pensively at nothing. Jack opens the letter with a fork, and reads silently.)
Jack (to himself, muttering). Of course, it's money,–always money. Only a dollar and fifty cents apiece,–a man ought not growl. Umph! "The happy old days." Yes, I remember.
Maude (meekly). Remember what, Jack, dear? (He reads. Silence. She folds and unfolds Valeria's letter.)
Jack (suddenly). By George!
Maude (buttering a biscuit, slowly). What is it?
Jack By George!
Maude What is it? A woman might as well live on–on Vesuvius!
Jack George Graham is in the New York legislature!
Maude Professor George De Witt Graham!
Jack (reading while he speaks). The same, my dear. We're to banquet him; it seems he's made a big speech.
Maude He was very handsome, and nice to us girls. He pulled us all through chemistry.
Jack (absently). Yes, he was a good wire puller. And now he's Senator, Senator in New York. That's great.
Maude How do you know? Is that from him?
Jack This is the Alumni Letter.
Maude Alumni?
Jack (slowly and elaborately). Yes, my dear, the Alumni Letter,–Alumni. We graduated in 1902,–possibly you remember the circumstances. You ought to.
Maude How long ago it seems,–how long, long ago!
Jack Thank you. It is. Three years.
(Silence. He stirs coffee.)
Maude The lace for my dress gave out,–do you remember? And I wore Paris muslin and Mamma was sick.
Jack It was a great day! You remember your Aunt?
Maude Poor Aunty! I can see her now–so 'fraid I would forget–sitting on the edge of her chair! And those lemon drops,–I thought I should faint when Bob brought 'em up!
Jack Yes, I remember how his shoes squeaked! And Bob would usher!
Maude Poor Aunty, I hope she is happier now out among the Hottentots. Aren't they Hottentots?
Jack (with scholarly precision). Your Aunt, my dear, is in Korea. Korea is an island just east of–
Maude (vaguely). Well aren't the Hottentots there, too? I thought they were all together over there somewhere,–all fat and dusty together, with their queer hats like plates,–all praying and embroidering lovely silks.
Jack As I was saying, Korea is east of–of Asia.
Maude (taking another biscuit). Asia was always hard for me. The rivers had such dreadful names! "1902! 1902! We are the people, who are you?" What fun we had! Let's go back!
Jack Haven't time. You write 'em greetings and so on, and enclose three dollars. I wonder where old Grindem is?
Maude Old Grindem! You remember his side whiskers? I couldn't bear that man! He was horrid on Commencement day–wouldn't wait one second! Not one second! And Valeria, (she sighs heavily). Poor Valeria!
Jack (cheerfully). You looked mighty pretty that day. You didn't need any lace.
(She sighs gently and shakes her head.)
Jack (with desperate cheerfulness). And your hair was like gold,–and those lilies-of-the-valley! I remember I went so far as to think of Solomon. How is it? "Solomon in all his glory–all his glory was–was–Solomon was"–how is it?
Maude "Was not arrayed like one of these."
Jack O yes–"like one of these," of course. "Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." You were a sort of female Solomon. Not a Mrs. Solomon,–perish the thought!
Maude (reproachfully). Jack!
Jack (still cheerfully). Who gave you those lilies? Come on–tell me now. This is a sort of anniversary when "all things shall be made clear." Old Bulbus?
(She braces herself with visible effort.)
Jack It was awfully hard on me, your just carrying my roses and putting old Bulbus' lilies in your Solomon hair.
Maude They weren't B-B-Bulbuses.
Jack Honest?
Maude H-honest.
Jack (gravely). Whose were they?
(Silence. Maude twists her napkin.)
Jack (more gravely). Whose were they, Mrs. Hamilton?
Maude You won't be mad?
Jack Do I get "mad"? I am not a two-year-old!
Maude Nor cross?
Jack Whose lilies were those, I ask!
Maude (sitting very erect). I am going to tell you!
Jack (a trifle viciously). See that you do.
Maude Hal sent those lilies.
Jack (incredulous). Hal Taylor?
Maude (with a dead period). Hal Taylor.
(He gazes at her sternly; she hides her face behind the coffee urn.)
Jack Therefore, Valeria squints!
Maude O don't, Jack!
Jack (severely). The vanity of woman!
Maude (rising quickly and coming round to his chair). But I have your roses, Jack, in the box with my dress! And I shall send Valeria a cut-glass berry-bowl–maybe a Tiffany cut!
(He pulls her down to him as curtain falls.)
