THE SWEET O’ THE YEAR.
This trifle may derive interest from the music, by Mr. E. C. Phelps, in Scribner’s Monthly for August, 1880.
ACT I.
SCENE.—A Lowly Cot.
- Tenant (Tenor).
- Tenant’s Wife (Soprano).
- Tenant’s Mother-in-Law (Contralto).
- Landlord (Basso).
TENOR SOLO.
How happy is our lot,
Beneath our vines and fig-trees,
In this suburban spot,
Among so many big trees!
Our landlord’s very kind,
His speech is mild and gentle,
He never was inclined
To go and raise the rental.
TRIO.
How happy is our lot
Beneath our vines and fig-trees,
In this suburban spot,
Among so many big trees;
How happy is our lot!
How happy is our lot!
Enter Landlord. BASSO.
How do you do?
Aside. I’ll try a few devices;
I’ve paid a five-cent fare,
To see if my premises
Were wanting much repair.
TENOR.
Sir, the whole house neat and nice is,
And requires no extra care.
BASSO.
Aside. Got him there!
Direct. This is indeed a lovely spot.
TENOR.
Beyond compare.
BASSO.
Aside. Got him there!
Direct. I think you never find it hot?
TENOR.
Fine cool air.
BASSO.
Aside. Got him there!
Direct. Handy to the cars and boats?
TENOR.
Pretty fair.
BASSO.
Aside. Got him there!
Direct. Far removed from geese and goats?
TENOR.
So we air.
BASSO.
Aside. Got him there!
Think I’ve got him everywhere.
Direct. Bless you! after so much praise
I shall really have to raise.
Mother-in-law. CONTRALTO.
To Tenor. Oh, oh, oh!
No, no, no!
Have you the feelings of a man
To stand such wicked imposition?
An old house built on such a plan,
And in the very worst condition.
SOPRANO.
The paper’s hanging on the wall.
CONTRALTO.
The plaster’s tumbling from the ceiling.
SOPRANO.
The front piazza is liable to fall.
CONTRALTO.
Oh, are you a man of any feeling?
TENOR.
I won’t pay!
BASSO.
First of May.
Intermission—Agent heard without tacking up bill.
ACT II.
Enter Left—Chorus of Feminine House-Seekers and Chorus of Masculine House-Seekers, waving permits.
FULL CHORUS.
I want to see⸺
TENOR.
Oh, certainly!
Be kind enough to follow me.
FEMALE CHORUS.
This parlor’s rather nice;
This parlor’s rather small;
Are you troubled with rats and mice?
Will the landlord paint the wall?
MALE CHORUS.
Does the roof leak when it’s clear?
FEMALE CHORUS.
Are the bedrooms tinted blue?
How long have you lived here?
Will the range cook oyster stew?
Exeunt, R.
FULL CHORUS (re-entering, R.)
It wouldn’t do!
FEMALE CHORUS.
It’s warm!
MALE CHORUS.
It’s cold!
FEMALE CHORUS.
It’s quite too new!
MALE CHORUS.
It’s quite too old!
FULL CHORUS.
I wanted gas!
I wanted grass!
We all expected fine plate-glass!
And shelves for cheese!
And orange trees!
And beds for raising strawberries!
I dwell in a marble hall,
And I couldn’t make it do;
And I don’t see how you live at all;
And I’m much obliged to you.