CHAPTER FIVE
Lo, my Daughter, a man came unto me saying:
“Let me be thy slave. For, behold, I am all devotion. And it is my delight to serve a fair woman.”
And I looked at him and smiled sadly.
For I knew that he was invulnerable; and all my weapons were broken against me.
But another came unto me saying:
“Behold! I am a woman-hater. Not one of them do I trust. Nay, not one can deceive and allure me. For I have their numbers, all of them.”
And my heart was gladdened. For, by that sign, I knew that he was easy. And my way was clear before me.
Verily, verily, men are of three varieties: the kind that must be driven with whip and spur; the kind that must be coaxed with apples and sugar; and the kind that must be blindfolded and backed into the shafts of matrimony.
And the woman-hater is like unto the last.
Therefore, I charge thee, when thou meetest one of these seek not to argue with him, neither to convince him; but agree with him sweetly, that all thy sex is weak and untrustworthy.
Discourse sorrowfully upon the pitfalls of flirtation, and the hollowness of love, and the horrors of matrimony.
Declare boldly thy scorn for the New Woman, and for the Old Woman, and for the Frivolous Woman, and for the Highbrow, and for the Lowbrow, and all the women that are on the earth and in the heavens above the earth.
And when thou hast disarmed him, taking all his arguments from out his mouth, speak sweetly concerning the beauties of platonic friendship and wax rapturous in its praises.
Bring the cushion for his head, and the footstool for his feet, and feed him from the chafing dish with the fruits of thine own cooking, saying:
“I prithee, do smoke, for it is so chummy! Yea, I beg of thee, treat me as thou wouldst a man friend.”
Let him hold thy hand.
And he shall say in his heart:
“Would to heaven I were not a Woman Hater, and that all women were like unto her; for she is sensible and sincere—and a bachelor flat was never like this!”
And upon the seventh evening he shall fall down before thee and retract all his words, eating them one by one.
And when thou remindest him of thy warnings and of thy fear of marriage, he will seek to persuade thee and will comfort thee with kisses and a solitaire.
Then shalt thou slip the bridle over his head and the reins shall be in thine hands. And there shall be one less Woman Hater in the world.
For a Woman Hater, my Beloved, is like unto the simple ostrich, which hideth its head in the sand and thinketh itself safe.
But he that professeth open adoration is like unto the park squirrel, which will eat out of thine hand but can never be caught!