CHAPTER FOUR
The secret musings of thy Father Solomon, found in his diary, concealed in the pocket of his smoking jacket and privily copied by thy Mother.
Read now his libellous words, my Daughter, and ponder thereon; for he hath known much girl:
“Verily, verily, in all the world, there be but two things which have power to disconcert me.
“A Meerschaum Pipe is one of these.
“The other is a woman.
“And, so like is the first unto the second, that I doubt not the former is but a reincarnation of the latter.
“Lo, I have colored upward of twenty meerschaums, and have made love unto upward of seven hundred damsels. And I say unto thee, not one of them hath been worth the struggle nor repaid the toil and travail.
“Behold, how a man purchaseth a meerschaum at great price.
“Behold, how he wooeth a woman at great expense.
“How joyfully he flingeth away his shekels that they may be covered with silver and fine gold!
“How tenderly he encaseth them in velvet!
“With what care and delicacy he wasteth his golden hours in the coloring of his pipe!
“With what pains and ingenuity he wasteth golden years in winning the heart of a woman!
“How lovingly he burneth tobacco for the one!
“How patiently he burneth incense before the other!
“Yet, lo, a sudden coldness—and the pipe hath snapped! A sudden chilliness—and the woman’s love is shattered!
“Or let the fire within the meerschaum’s bowl wax too hot, or the ardor of his devotion unto the woman wax too intense—and behold the pipe is ruined and the woman is spoiled forever!
“And it is all up with him!
“The fool hath said in his heart, ‘All women are as trolley cars, which having once been caught, need no longer be pursued.’ But I say unto thee, thy pursuing is never finished; thy task is never done!
“For, seven times seven weeks, mayest thou devote thyself unto a meerschaum, and seven times seven months, unto a damsel!
“Yet if thou layest them aside, and thinkest to cease from thy devotions for but a little while, lo, the pipe hath faded—and the woman hath forgotten thee.
“Verily, verily, there is no rest for a peaceful man! For, life with a pipe, or a woman, is all toil and travail and vexation.
“Yet life without them is all weariness and desolation!”
SELAH.