CHAPTER THREE
Hearken, my Daughter, unto the parable of the merrie bachelor; hearken and be comforted.
For, I say unto thee, not one of these liveth but shall receive his just desert!
Now, in my youth, there came unto me such an one, saying, “Why shall I marry? For lo, have I not all the comforts of home, at half the expense? Behold, I have three good meals a day and a den filled with gew-gaws, which are the work of many damsels. Yea, and not one of them but yearneth to sew on my buttons.
“Moreover, I can go forth into the country in the summer time without having to pawn mine overcoat; and in the winter I can go unto my club without having to perjure my soul.
“Verily, verily, my life is like unto an eleven-course dinner.
“For on Monday I may talk art unto a high-browed damsel; and on Tuesday I may talk love unto a widow; and on Wednesday I may talk nonsense unto a fluffy thing.
“But a married man must talk domestic economy unto the same woman every night, which is like a table d’hote menu, of a deadening monotony.
“Behold, I offer no apology for my singleness; for I am unashamed! And my one fear is that I shall awaken from this dream!”
And I answered him, saying, “Even so!”
Yet, as time passed, the hairs dropped one by one from the head of the bachelor, until it shone as a great light.
Lo, from eating and drinking much good food and having no worries, he became round and pudgy, like unto a Billiken.
And the maidens of the land who had trembled at his approach now tittered merrily at sight of him. Yea, whereas, before, he had been able to spend an whole evening with one of them, bringing a box of cheap candy, he now spent all his savings upon them.
For it requireth real orchids and champagne to make a fat man fascinating.
And he observed the married men of his acquaintance, that from overworking they had still kept their figures and were interesting. Yea, and they flirted with their stenographers and were merry; but the bachelor not having to labor had accomplished nothing; for he had spent his days in yawning.
Then he came unto me, crying:
“Lo! At last I would marry and settle down. But she that I once loved hath married another. And how shall I choose a wife? For all women are as one woman unto me.”
And I mocked him with my ha-has, saying:
“My Son, I adjure thee, wed any woman thou canst! For the buds of the Nation are not collecting antiques. Yet, peradventure, one of these shall accept thee as a good thing; or another shall take thee as a last resort, when she hath passed her fifth season. Go to! Thou hast eaten the bread of life without honey thereon, and thou shalt hereafter be satisfied with the crumbs.”
Verily, verily, life without love is as a pipe without a light; but a man without a wife is as a helpless barge without a tow-boat.