CHAPTER TWO
A perfect husband, who can find one?
For his price is far above gold bonds.
The heart of his wife rejoiceth in him, and he shall have no lack of encouragement.
He worketh willingly with his hands and bringeth home all his shekels.
He riseth without calling and lifteth the ice from off the dumbwaiter. He starteth the kitchen range. He considereth his wife, and kisseth her occasionally.
Six days of the week doth he labor for his moneys, and upon the seventh doeth chores within the house for relaxation.
With his own hands he runneth the lawn mower and washeth the dog.
He layeth his hands to the parlor curtains and putteth up the portieres.
He hooketh his wife’s dresses up the back, without mutterings.
He putteth the cat out by night.
He is not afraid of the cook.
His ashes fall not upon the carpet, and his cigarette burneth not holes in the draperies.
For he doeth his smoking on the piazza.
He weareth everlasting socks and seweth on his own buttons.
His overcoat doeth him two seasons.
Yet, when he ventureth abroad with his wife he donneth a dress suit without grumbling.
The grouch knoweth him not and his breakfast always pleaseth him. His mouth is filled with praises for his wife’s cooking. He doth not expect chicken salad from left-over veal, neither the making of lobster patties from an ham-bone.
His wife is known within the gates, when she sitteth among the officers of her Club, by the fit of her gowns and her imported hats. He luncheth meagrely upon a sandwich that he may adorn her with fine jewels. He grumbleth not at the bills.
He openeth his mouth with praises and noteth her new frock. And the word of flattery is on his tongue.
He perceiveth not the existence of other women.
He may be trusted to mail a letter.
Lo, many men have I met in the world, but none like unto him.
Yet have ye all seen him—in your dreams!