V
Golf remained impossible in the afternoon, and the M.P. filled up his time by working out some golf statistics with a view to indicating to the ignorant public what was comprised in a year of golf.
“You see,” he said, “sooner or later some of the very high authorities will find it to be necessary to take very serious notice of this game, of the number of people whose time it claims, of the land it engages, of the capital sunk in it, and of the enormous current expenditure upon it. Golf has really become a considerable factor in the social scheme of this country, and this must be recognised by legislators. I see that the Union authorities at Wirral have been giving some attention to the matter, with the result that they have jumped on the Royal Liverpool Club with an enormously increased assessment. The process of milking the golfer will begin soon.”
“Well,” said the Colonel indulgently, “if our little game is to become a matter of national importance, you will be having questions asked about it in the House before long; eh, William?”
“It is odd that you should make that suggestion,” the Parliamentarian responded, as he began to rummage in the inside pocket of his coat, “because I have a rather curious document here which amplifies it somewhat. Let me see—I am sure I had it in my letter-case—well, well!—Ah yes, here it is! I was going to say that one of the keenest golf youngsters we have got in this Parliament is young Norris, whose constant object in life seems to be to pair off with one of the Opposition down to Sunningdale. I believe he would rather win the Parliamentary Handicap next year than get a small Government job. Well, in the House he is always filling up his spare time with the development of some golfing idea or other. The other night there was quite an angry discussion between him and another of his kidney upon the question as to whether, if a ball were teed alongside the Beaconsfield statue, a Massey or a Braid could loft it over the Houses of Parliament and into the river, and eventually the pair of them went out to see what sort of a shot it really would be. The next night, when somebody whispered to him that there would be a lot more sense in discussing a Bill for the Regulation of the Rubber Core than the measure that just then was occupying the attention of the House, he got out some paper and concocted what he called a ‘Forecast of a Report of the Parliamentary Proceedings in 1950,’ and that is what I have got here. Just listen to this for question time:
“‘HOUSE OF COMMONS—Thursday
“‘The Speaker took the chair at 3.5.
“‘In answer to Mr. R. Kore (+ 1), the Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs stated that no more rubber-cored balls would be shipped to Morocco until some kind of guarantee had been given by the Maghzen that British golfers would be treated with respect and every consideration extended to them in the pursuit of their game. Latest advices were to the effect that parties of Moors had constantly collected round the ninth green at Tangier and the third at Mogador and had made faces at the players while they were putting, causing them the most intense annoyance and completely ruining their play. His Majesty’s ships Baffy and Niblick had been instructed to proceed to Mogador without delay, and left Gibraltar on Friday. (Loud cheers from both Government and Opposition benches.)
“‘Mr. A. Gutta (10): Is it a fact that Germany has encouraged the Moors in these acts of rebellion? (Loud cries of “Order.”)
“‘The Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs: The hon. member must perceive that public considerations make it undesirable that any answer should be given to his question.
“‘Mr. Will Labor (40): Will the right hon. gentleman inform the House what are the handicaps of the British officials at present in Morocco, and will he state whether in his opinion the rebellious attitude of the Moors has been caused to some extent by the inferior playing capacity of these servants, which has been such as to excite the derision of the native population? (Loud cries of “Order” and “Withdraw.”)
“‘The Speaker: The hon. member must not cast aspersions on the handicaps of the public servants of His Majesty’s Government.
“‘Mr. Labor: I could give them all a stroke a hole! (“Oh, oh.”)
“‘The Speaker: I must ask the hon. member not to persist in these reflections on the playing quality of the Government servants in Morocco, and to withdraw what he has already said.
“‘Mr. Labor: I withdraw. No doubt they are all Vardons. (“Order, order.”)
“‘The Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs: It may interest the hon. gentleman the member for Woolwich, to know that a cable received at the Foreign Office this morning stated that the British Consul at Mogador had just holed out with a mashie shot. (Loud and prolonged cheering.)
“‘Great Britain and Russia
“‘In answer to Mr. T. Box (+ 4), the Prime Minister (+ 7) said that there was no development to report in the negotiations which were at present proceeding with the Government of Russia. The British Government had suggested that under clause 563B of the Hague Convention the differences existing between the two Governments should be decided by one professional foursome, but Russia had replied that this suggestion was obviously unfair, unless the British Government gave an undertaking not to select Taylor and Braid as their representatives. In the absence of a friendly understanding on such lines as these, there would be nothing for it but for the British Government to pour golfers into Russia with a view to winning all their monthly medals and cups, and with such a possibility in view detachments of our best players had been mobilised and were now doing two practice rounds a day at Sandwich and Prestwick. The transports Stymie and Bunker were in readiness, each stored with ten thousand boxes of the best balls. (Loud Government and Opposition cheers.)
“‘The Boom in the Ball Trade
“‘Mr. R. Tisan (20) asked whether it was true that the ballmakers of Glasgow had been working twenty-four hours a day for the last six weeks, and in some cases more.
“‘The President of the Board of Trade (scratch): In no case have these ballmakers been working more than twenty-three hours a day, and they have been paid at the full twenty-four rate, and are quite satisfied. If Great Britain did not make and sell the balls, America would.
“‘Mr. R. Tisan: But they have no time left for play.
“‘The President of the Board of Trade: They play nine holes in the dinner hour instead of utilising it in the customary manner. (“Hear, hear.”)
“‘No Stymies
“‘In answer to Mr. Foozleum (42), the Minister of Education (2) stated that it was not true that the children in the schools at Hoylake and Westward Ho! were being taught to play no stymies, or that they were systematically encouraged to play the score game to the neglect of true match play. What had happened was simply this, that there had been complaints that the last lot of mashies that had been received from Taylor and Forgan had not sufficient loft for very young players, and that all attempts to loft over stymies with them had failed, though the senior players experienced no such difficulties. In the circumstances the teachers, acting under authority of the Board of Education, had thought it best to suspend stymies until more mashies came to hand. As to score play, the simple fact was that one or two of the senior students were going in for the Open Championship, and had been doing a little practising in view of it. It might interest the House to know that one of them, Smith by name, had done a round of 75 at Hoylake with a wind blowing straight upwards from the turf. This was a splendid performance, and showed the efficacy of the new Education Act which the Government brought into force last year, which made the use of the Complete Golfer compulsory in all elementary schools. (Loud Ministerial cheers.)
“‘Bills
“‘The Bogey Amendment Bill was read a third time and passed.
“‘The Women’s Handicaps Bill was read a first time.
“‘Championship Courses
“‘The House then went into Committee on the Championship Courses Bill.
“‘Mr. John Blumond (scratch) asked how much longer the just claims of Ireland were to be ignored. Irish golfers were in such a state of irritation, due to the way in which they were neglected, that it was impossible for them to settle down to the improvement of their game, with the result that Irish driving was never so bad as at present, and his suffering compatriots could not putt for nuts or potatoes.
[Left Sitting].’”
“Rather good,” commented the Author at the end of this recital. “Wasn’t it that young Norris who circulated the jest that if he could play his mashie pitches properly he would be down to scratch and in the running for a small kind of office, and that if he could get to plus 7 he would be the President of the British Republic?”
“That’s the man,” the M.P. answered. “Very nice sort of chap, too. We must bring him down here one day. Richardson took him down to Rye for a week-end once, but had to go back to town again without him at the end of a whole week.”
“Ha!” said the Colonel, “but that’s nothing in comparison with the true story of the non-golfer who went to Sandwich for a week-end nine years ago, and at the invitation of his friend experimented with the game, and has been down there ever since, playing it!”
“Good man!” exclaimed the Author.
“But what about these statistics, William?” the Colonel inquired.
“Well,” said the M.P., “I have calculated that at the present time there are over a million acres under golf in Great Britain, and that a sum-total of about £4,700,000 a year is now spent on the game in this country. But you get the queerest results when you come to consider the balls that are used in a year, and what happens to them.”
“Proceed,” said the Colonel.