LETTER II.
“Thou leddest thy people like a flock of sheep, by the hands of Moses and Aaron.”
To —
From a very early period the Lord began to work on my mind. I was bred up to the Church of England, to which I was so superstitiously attached, that I held the two clergymen who officiated in that place in their sacerdotals, as angels; and I do think, had they spoken to me, when I was a boy, in their full robes, I should almost have swooned. But, alas! I have since seen they were neither angels of God nor of the churches; for, perhaps, there could not be two darker guides in the church than they were.
I was, at times, most seriously imprest with thoughts of God, heaven, and hell; and was, in some measure, convinced of the evil of external sin. As long as I can remember, I punctually attended to the prayers of the church, and read them with much seeming devotion, not only at church, but at other times. As I grew up, I got more hardened in sin and folly, yet natural conscience never let me alone; I was, at times, closely followed up by legal convictions, which drove me to say many prayers, while the thoughts of God’s anger, the hour of death, the day of judgment, the horrors of hell, and the views of eternity, quite sunk my spirits. Nor could I shake these thoughts of eternity off, which I often tried to do, by youthful pastimes. Gloomy fears would often seize my mind, till I dreaded to be alone; night was often a terror; but I endeavoured to patch up a peace with God, by vows to be better, by dragging through duties, such as reading prayers, saying the Belief, and keeping the Prayer Book in my pocket by day, and under my pillow by night.
When I was about 14 years of age, there was to be a confirmation by the bishop, at St. George’s church, Hanover-square: I was advised to go, and was endeavouring to prepare myself for this solemn act—but having a perpetual sense of some sins upon my mind, I could not, in conscience, go. I attempted to satisfy conscience, and to please God by my constant attendance on the church, and by my prayers and reading; but, alas! it was all in vain. I found these insufficient. I bought the “Whole Duty of Man,” [164] and sometimes laboured hard with that; the “Christian Monitor,” and several other such wretched books; Allen and Baxter’s “Alarm to the Unconverted;” which left me just as I was, as they have thousands of the unconverted beside. But, as to the gospel plan of salvation, I knew no more about it than the poor heathen in foreign climes.
The family in which I lived were inimical to the gospel; they hated and persecuted all that dissented from the church, or professed religion. I had often heard them jeer the Methodists, for so religious people are called, whether Churchmen or Dissenters, and represent them as enemies to the church, to which I was so warmly attached. I also enquired what these people believed, and gained a most frightful description of them: as first, they prayed and preached without a book, except the Bible; that the preachers were only common ignorant mechanics; that they believed God had made some men to be saved, do what they would, and others to be damned, if they were ever so good; that they believed in three Gods; and that a man could not be saved, if he repented and did a thousand good works; and, in short, that they were all hypocrites together.
These lies and misrepresentations were instilled into my mind, against the true followers of Christ. For some years I felt my enmity in my heart against them, and would have had them all banished the country, if I could. I have stood at the door of the house, and been grieved to see the people go to the meeting. My hatred rose against them in an awful manner; nor would I, for all the world, go into any chapel belonging to them; for I was told, if a person went in, they would catch their infection directly.
Alas! how awfully blind is man, by nature! an enemy in his mind, by wicked works. This is the true state of the case; and, a person dying in this state, cannot see the face of God. However, the Lord had mercy on me, and brought me acquainted with the truths which I once hated; the God I had sinned against; and to love and esteem the people I had despised. This is, indeed, bringing a man out of darkness into marvellous light; and it well may be called marvellous, astonishing, rich, and free. And sure I am, that every man destitute of the converting grace of God, is in just the same state which I was. Although they know it not, a mere profession of the gospel does not alter the secret enmity to God and his people. It is an awful thing to have such enmity, but it is a special mercy to see it; and, above all, to feel it, removed by the power of truth, and the sovereign love of God, in Christ Jesus, to us:—this was my sad case. A slave to sin, an enemy to God, plunged in darkness, no acquaintance with the gospel, and kept from hearing it, by pride, prejudice, and carnal enmity. Yet I passed as a very serous and devout youth, among many: it is true, I did not run into particular excesses, but no thanks to me for neither my situation nor my pocket would let me; yet my youthful follies and enmity would have damned me, if I had died in that state: but the family in which I lived were at this time taken up with the lying system of Swedenbourg, called the New Jerusalem. I begged leave, one evening, to go to their chapel; this pleased me highly, as there were written prayers and sermons, with good music, and pretty singing. I read some of their books, and soon imbibed their notions of the Trinity, which were as far from truth as heaven is from hell. They denied the personality of the Father, and the adorable Spirit, and Christ crucified, as the object of religious worship, only Christ as glorified; alledging that Christ is the only divine person in the Trinity, and that he is the Trinity itself. Hence their form of baptism reads thus:—
“I baptize thee in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ; who is at once both Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.”
This is holding a lie; and those who go down to the grave with this falsehood, where God is they never can come. The Father teaches us out of his law, clothes us with the righteousness of his dear Son, and draws us to Christ, while the Holy Spirit shews us the excellency, glory, and suitableness of Christ, and, in due time, bears his witness to our consciences, that we are born of God; and those who are thus taught, learn the doctrine of the Trinity experimentally. “For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Spirit, and these three are one.” The Lord graciously communicates the three-fold witness to the souls of his own dear people; the Spirit, the water of eternal love, and the precious work of Christ, as the atonement, and righteousness of the church.—And that believer who is thus favoured, has the mark of heaven upon him, he is renewed into the image of Christ, and will be owned by him in the last day.
What shall I render to the Lord for this teaching? A thousand notions of the doctrine of the Trinity, however clear they may be, will never bring a man to heaven; he must have the love of the Father in his heart, and the blood of atonement in his conscience, by the operation of the Eternal Spirit. This, and this only, is real heart-felt religion, which will stand the test in life, death, judgment, and eternity.
Yours, J. C.