LETTER V.
“Thou hast manifested thy name to the men thou gavest me out of the world.”
To —
What the Holy Spirit has declared in his Word, all the Lord’s children find most blessed; the Lord is good to them that wait for him; to the soul that seeketh him. I have often found it very blessed to wait for the Lord; in waiting on him. And this verse of Good Mr. Toplady’s was sweet to my soul:—
“But, Lord, if thou ne’er hast design’d
No covenant blessing for me;
Then tell me how it is I find
Such a sweetness in waiting for thee?”
The Lord will arise, in his own time, and have mercy upon Zion, when the set time to favour her is come. And so I found it; for, one Friday morning, while working at my business, as well as I can remember, I was exceedingly low in mind, ruminating over my uncomfortable mind and feelings, I could truly say I was brought very low—when, suddenly, these words were darted into my mind—“The Son of man is come to save that which was lost.” This was attended with such light and power as to astonish me. I instantly felt sweet liberty of mind; I was deeply affected, sweetly melted, and at the same time filled with gratitude, peace, and joy. I saw the wonderous love of God, in sending his dear Son, and the vast infinite grace, mercy, and condescension of the dear Saviour, in the errand on which he came. I was overwhelmed with holy surprise, while the words in their power and sweetness continued with me, and made it personal, in the term that which was lost. I knew God had shewn me, in some measure, that I was a poor lost sinner, guilty and hell-deserving; that I had no might or power to subdue one sin, although I had made a thousand vows and resolutions; but every thing I could say, every argument I could use against myself, was of no use. The heavenly sensation was so powerful, that it bore down all before it, and continued with me all that day, and the day following, although not with equal power. I was now brought to a point about my state; I knew, without a doubt, the Saviour loved, came, lived, and died for me. I could truly say I loved him, and could rejoice in his salvation; his kind heart was open to me, and I held a sweet and rapturous communion with him. On the Monday following I felt this in a measure abated, and went to Providence Chanel; but, as soon as the text was named, I felt determined to leave the place: it was—“Cast out the bond woman and her son.” I had heard the text taken by the good man once before, and I thought we were going to have another controversial sermon on the moral law—bring tired of that subject, I was fearful I should lose my comfortable frame; but I was happily disappointed, for the minister opened the subject in such a clear and glorious manner, by describing the liberty of the children of God, that I was fully confirmed in the work of God on my soul; the remembrance of this is still sweet and precious. My joy was full, and at the close of the sermon I fled from every one, lest I should see any one I knew; I wanted to speak to no living creature, but to enjoy fellowship with the Saviour. I have often thought how much I should like to have gone home to glory at that time; but, alas! many sorrows of body, soul, and circumstances, were my destined lot; which has often made me ask, in fits of rebellion—
“Are these the blessings we expect,
Is this the lot of thine elect?”
This heavenly frame subsided, but it left a sweet confidence behind, which I have never fully lost, as my faith and confidence was often fed by the Word of God; and, indeed, faith can feast upon nothing else.
I now began to read and hear, as it were, with new eyes and ears. The doctrines of the gospel were now precious to my soul. I admired them before, but I ate them now: as Jeremiah words it—“Thy words were found, and I did eat them, and they were the rejoicing of my heart.” And I must speak it to the honour of God, that, although he has favored me with many blessed tokens of his love, many precious promises, enlargements, and views, but none so powerful as the first; yet there was enough power in them to bring me to the Saviour, and to prove the reality of the work of God on my soul. My grand business was now to gain all the spiritual knowledge I could; and the Lord soon after this led me into my public work, which I thought would be attended with a great increase of holiness of nature and life, of devotedness to God, and of an opportunity of studying his word; but I found, instead of an increase of holiness of nature an increase of sin. Not that I was more sinful, but had greater discoveries of it; and, instead of getting stronger in the service of God, I felt my strength perfect weakness. Popularity, noise, company, and bustle, stripped me of all my savouriness, and I was long left to struggle with my old sin again. Yet the Lord gave testimony to the word of his grace, and gave me liberty of speech, to the wonder of many, who knew my origin, and the scantiness of my education. The Lord never left me a moment, in my public work, to confusion, but was with me in some way or other, every time I stood up; and when I have gone to my work in the pulpit, frequently in bondage, darkness, and sorrow, my nervous system weak, and satan permitted to harrass me sorely, to the giving out my text; even then I have had the most blessed seasons, and at the close of my sermons could only fall on my knees, adoring and praising a long-suffering and a faithful God. On this subject I need not enlarge, as those who are in the work of the ministry well know what it is to pass through many painful seasons, and how graciously the Lord appears for them. Sometimes the work of God has been so very low in my mind, that I could scarcely trace a vestige of it; this has sunk my heart, till the Lord has appeared again, and renewed the work, led my mind out again to the Saviour, melted me with his love, and favored me with his more sensible presence. Hence the prophet prayed—“Oh, Lord, revive thy work in the midst of the years.” Pious Ezra calls it “a little reviving in our bondage;” and David prays, “Wilt thou not revive us again?” This is what the apostle calls the renewing of the Holy Ghost. The work is perfect in all its parts, when first began, but it must be brought forth into act and exercise; it must be seen and known, God the Holy Spirit must maintain it, and keep it up; and this is done by his secret influence. “I will water them every moment, and keep them night and day.” How this is done I know not; but it is our mercy it is so, and will be perfected, while a dear Redeemer pleads in heaven.—“I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not.”
Yours, J. C.