The Humour and Pathos of Anglo-Indian Life / Extracts from his brother's note-book, made by Dr. Ticklemore

by J. E. Mayer

No. XI. AN HOUR LOST AT MR. G.'S DINNER.

After the execution of the two Moplahs for the murder of poor Lutchmon Sing, nothing worth recording took place at Tollicherry during some months. People got up in the morning, went to bed at night, and ate their dinners in a very routine, humdrum sort of way, and nothing occurred to vary the monotony of existence except a new number of Lever's 'Charles O'Malley,' or the issue of cards for a dinner or evening party at the First Judge's house, which was a regular monthly institution with that most hospitable and generous man.

Things had been going on in this way for about three months when, so far as concerned my brother, there was a change, which entailed on him considerable anxiety, and a good deal of extra work. An officer of the Bombay army was sent to Tollicherry on sick certificate. He had landed, and had, by means of his servant, taken a small house in the town before my brother heard anything of him. He had, indeed, been three days so located when Lieutenant Mitchel, who was in command of the detachment usually stationed at the place, met my brother in his morning walk, and told him of the advent of Mr. M. of the —— Infantry, Bombay. 'Hasn't he sent you his case, and the private statement of the regimental medical officer?' asked Mitchel. 'He has not,' said my brother; 'indeed, until you informed me of it, I was as ignorant of the arrival here of Mr. M. as I was of his existence. But now, as he is here on sick certificate, I shall go and see him, though it was his duty in the first place to have sent me his papers.'

'Then,' returned Mitchel, 'we'll go and see him together; we may as well walk that way as any other.' So said, so done. On their way they met Captain B., who, after good-morning, inquired if they had got 'a purwoke to Waughan's, because if you haven't you will have. I saw the cards.' 'Well,' said Mitchel, 'V. deserves to be called the punir of Tollicherry: the place would be nothing without him. And then he gives such champagne and claret; it's really worth something to get a "purwoke," as our friend says, to his house.' 'You should be tender in making your quotations,' whispered my brother. 'I'll tender an apologue,' said Mitchel quietly, 'if you wish.' Here Captain B. parted from his companions, his road lying in a different direction.

When he was gone, my brother remarked to Mitchel: 'I think if you did "tender an apologue," as you put it, you would only make bad worse. Poor B. does not know that he made any mistake, nor does he perceive that you were laughing at him; but if you make any apology, however "tender" you may be in your mode of expression, he cannot fail to perceive it.' 'Well, magister meus, I am schooled. I will hold my peace, though he breaks the Queen's English into many a piece; but I must keep the peace as well as hold my peace, or you will be jealous, and say I have stolen your trade, and set up an opposition shop, etc., etc.; and I should be sorry to run counter to your wishes, as the peaceful disposition evinced this morning clearly proves.' 'If you would weigh your words over your counter a little more carefully there would be some hope of your succeeding in business. As it is, your stock-in-trade is rather of a meagre description; it is neither bonded stock, nor consolidated stock, nor foreign stock, nor even rolling stock. It can only, I think, be described as a stock of assurance, though I'll be sworn you possess no life policy, and——' 'Oh, stop!' said Mitchel; 'you have the devil's own faculty of "iteration," as the fat knight says, and, moreover, here we are at M.'s bungalow.'

But at first it was in vain that the two visitors sought an entrance. After knocking repeatedly at the door of the house, which was closed, no response could be obtained. 'This is queer,' said Mitchel. 'Are the people all dead? What is the reason that no servant or maty boy makes his appearance? It's clearly a case of enchanted castle, inhabited by an ogre who never comes out till night-time.' 'I think' said my brother, 'I can find a key to the ogre's castle door.' And accordingly he walked over to the godown attached to the house. He had observed that the door belonging to one of these outdoor offices had been cautiously opened so far as to permit those inside to see who they were who were so bent on getting into the house, without being seen themselves. The door in question, it is true, had been again cautiously closed, but the opening and shutting of it having been noticed further defence was vain. My brother threatened all kinds of pains and penalties, and Mitchel struck the door so violently with his foot that the whole place shook again. He was about to repeat his efforts when the garrison surrendered, only entreating that the Saiblogue would have a moment's patience. 'Suspension of arms' having been thus agreed to, the door was, after about a minute's delay, unbarred and opened. 'You d——d rascal,' said Mitchel, 'what do you mean by keeping us waiting here without answering our summons?' 'Nay, Saib: what for master angry? My master sick; he tell he not see anybody.' 'Aye, but he must see us. I am the medical officer to whose charge he is consigned while sick, and if he should want help in any way he is bound to put himself in communication with this gentleman, who is in command of the detachment stationed here. Now, open the door of the house and let us see your master.' 'But, Saib, my master no give order; he tell no see.' 'You are an impudent scoundrel,' said Mitchel, 'and I have a good mind to give you a taste of my riding-whip for refusing to do what you are ordered to do, knowing who we are.' 'Pray be quiet, Mitchel,' said my brother, 'and let me deal with this fellow, whom, to tell you the truth, I rather like for his sturdy fidelity to his master. Now you, sir, listen to what I say. If you do not open the door of the house I shall have to complain of you to the Zillah Judge, who will be in Court shortly after ten o'clock, and you will get punished, and peons will be sent to force open the door, so that you see all you can gain by resistance is a few hours, for which you will bring trouble on yourself and your master.' 'By Jove,' said Mitchel, 'you have given him better terms than I would have done. But take your own way; I shall leave you to settle it.'

The maty was evidently undecided, but the calm determination shown by my brother convinced him that it would be best to submit to what he felt he could not successfully oppose or prevent, so after a little hesitation he said: 'Master too strong; I do as master order, but my master very angry.' 'That's a sensible fellow,' said my brother. 'I will tell your master that you held out to the utmost to obey his orders.' Then the man, making a low salaam, said: 'Master good master, but not know all; when master go in then master see, and then master know.'

Surely no words could express the impression made on the minds of the visitors, or explain the situation more clearly, than the maty's words, however poor the English. They found Mr. M. in his shirt and trousers lying on a cot, round which were strewed beer and brandy bottles, some empty, some untouched; the smell of these liquids was very strong, and the man himself was really an object equally of compassion and disgust. His face was so swelled and bloated that his eyes were partly closed, and its hue was fiery red; he either would not or could not speak. Hiccoughs, alternating with a sort of stertorous breathing, were the only sounds he emitted; his skin was dry and hot, and his pulse bounding. The unfortunate man did not seem able to rise and scarcely to move. After sending in the sweeper to remove all nuisances, and to cleanse the room in every possible way, doors and windows not admitting sun being kept wide open, the whole of the bottles were removed, and placed in a godown under lock and key, only a very small allowance for the day being left out in charge of the servant. Finally, the official papers, which the boy knew where to put his hands on, were given to my brother. Before his departure he ordered the patient's body, head, neck, and arms to be sponged, constantly or frequently, with weak vinegar and water. He then left word that he should see Mr. M. again after breakfast.

On reaching home he took up a letter that was addressed to him by Mr. M., senior, in which he spoke of his son and his son's evil habits in a very fond and parental way, making all sorts of excuses for a low and disgusting indulgence that admits of no excuse, except that the person exhibiting it had lost all self-control, which might with equal propriety be put forth to defend any other crime. The writer entreated that my brother would use representation, persuasion, and every moral means in aid of his medical treatment, in order to reform as well as cure his unfortunate son. He then explained his son's position in the army. He said that, by means of family interest, he had got his son gazetted for a staff appointment, but that it had not been taken up, in consequence of his son's sickness, which, through the kindness of the medical officer, my brother would find put down in the case as fever. 'In his private letter to you,' continued the old gentleman, 'I cannot tell what he has said, but whatever this may be, I should esteem it a lasting obligation if you would kindly put down in your official report the same disease, fever;' and that if my brother would be so kind as to do this, his son could be sent home on sick certificate for three years without losing his claim to a staff appointment, and that not only he, but the whole family would be for ever grateful.

Long before my brother got to the end of this precious epistle, he felt so indignant and disgusted with the doting and unprincipled old writer, that he more than once determined to return the letter in a blank envelope. He did not, however, act on his first thought; he remembered old Mr. M.'s gray hairs, and that he was a father who was wrapped up in his only son. My brother contented himself with acknowledging the old gentleman's letter as briefly as possible, adding that he would do all that was in his power for his son.

He then glanced over the official case, which was so drawn up as to afford little information as to the state of the patient. This was of no consequence; what my brother had seen was quite enough. The private letter was a degree more truthful; but the facts were so softened, and so many suppositions were introduced in order to account for the symptoms, that it was, or appeared to be, more calculated to conceal the real condition of the patient than to make it evident. My brother thought of Talleyrand's mot regarding language, smiled, and then sat down to breakfast with his wife.

This narrative not being either a medical treatise or report, my brother omits all details of the treatment of the case. It must suffice to say that he did his best, and at first with such success that hope of reform began to be entertained. It was, however, a delusive hope. The patient broke all his promises, secretly obtained from the Parsee shopkeeper a fresh supply of beer and brandy, and again reduced himself to much the same state as that in which he was first found. The intoxicating liquids were again taken from him, placed under lock and key, and then two Sepoys were placed on guard night and day at Mr. M.'s bungalow to prevent the entrance of anything whatever not ordered by my brother. Mr. M., on finding himself thus forcibly controlled, was at first so furious and violent that it became necessary to employ peons to restrain him and prevent him from making his escape.

When he found that neither threats, nor force, nor bribes would avail either to procure him liquor or favour his escape from control, he became sullen and morose, and refused even to speak in answer to questions. Lieutenant Mitchel had all along felt a great interest in the case, and had furnished the guard in the frankest and readiest manner.

Very early one morning he met my brother en route to visit Mr. M. 'I'll go with you,' said Mitchel, 'if you have no objection.' 'None in the world,' returned my brother. 'You have seen the patient several times; you saw him when I first took charge of him, and you know how persistently he has destroyed his chances of getting better.' 'Yes,' replied Mitchel, 'he has done all you say; the madness for drink has got hold of him, and until this rage or madness moderates or passes away for the time, I fear you will get no good of him; but still, I pity the poor devil!' 'Oh, pity him as much as you please,' returned my brother, 'so long as you don't give him anything to drink.' This brought the speakers to M.'s house. They went upstairs almost together, and as they entered his room they perceived that he was lying on his cot in his shirt and long drawers.

As my brother approached him to feel his pulse and skin, his features assumed a very ugly scowl, and at the same time he put his right hand under his pillow. This action my brother did not notice at the instant, but Mitchel did, and as quick as light pinned M.'s hand with both his. A struggle ensued; my brother held down M.'s left hand while Mitchel drew out the right, grasping a large carving-knife, which he had secreted under his pillow. It was quickly taken from him by the superior force present, and although he made desperate efforts to disengage his right hand, Mitchel's double grip was too firm for him. He kept his hand on the bed while the others unclasped the fingers, thus no one was wounded.

It was clear that Mitchel's quick eye and movement had saved my brother's life. Speaking of the affair afterwards, Mitchel said: 'I did not like the look he gave at you, and when, in reply to your request to let you feel his pulse, he put his hand under the pillow, I suspected something, and luckily, on the impulse of the moment, pinned his hand.'

'Luckily indeed for me,' said my brother; 'six inches of cold steel under one's ribs is not a pleasant experience at any time of day; yet I should certainly have had to make it this fine morning but for you. I cannot well thank you; your own manly heart will do it for me better than my poor words can.'

'Halt, dress!' said Mitchel; 'none of your heroics. I'm right glad, though, that none of us got hurt; that's a very ugly sort of weapon, that long pointed knife, at close quarters especially.'

All this passed in less than two minutes; then the maniac, for such the man was at the time, was carefully secured by soft bandages, his head was shaved, and cold lotion constantly applied to it. Every knife and fork in the house was kept out of the room, he was allowed no food but what he could take with a spoon, and a constant guard was kept in the room as well as at the door.

As Mitchel and my brother were leaving the poor victim of alcoholic stimulation, G. came up to them to inquire how M. was going on. Poor G. turned quite pale on learning how near murder had been to them that morning, and specially near to my brother. However, he soon rallied, and, after a few words of congratulation, he said: 'This day week I hold you both engaged to dine with me; I mean to give a dinner in honour of Mitchel for this morning's work.'

'All right,' said Mitchel, 'I'll be most happy to go and punish your champagne; but don't make mountains of molehills; don't exhibit me as a sort of wild animal of a new species just caught; don't do that, pray. The Doctor was going to launch out into something, but I managed to stop him, as I must try and stop you.'

'Very well,' said G., 'as you are to be the king of the feast, you must have your own way, and we won't say one word as to why it is given. We won't even ask if a knife has a sharp point or a keen edge.'

'For fear of its wounding or cutting me,' said Mitchel. 'That's capital; I always thought you a comical blade.'

'What, Mitchel, at it again? You are, I see, determined to try the temper of the blade,' observed my brother.

'Oh, stop that fellow with his heroics and his ribaldry. When he begins, there's no chance for me.'

'Why so cranky, Mitchel? But for you, I should not this morning have a rib all dry.'

'That shows you all the more ungrateful. You won't let a fellow have a chance.'

'Quite the contrary,' said my brother; 'it is you that won't let a fellow have a chance. M. tried hard to get one at me this morning, but you wouldn't let him have it.'

'Good-morning, good-morning,' said Mitchel; 'that fellow's got tongue enough for a dozen. I'm off.'

'No, no,' said G.; 'come and breakfast with me. I can't ask the Doctor; he has to go to his wife. How I pity him! But, poor fellow! he can't help it now.'

'Well, don't be envious of your neighbours, G.,' returned my brother; 'it looks strongly as if you were determined to follow my good example.' And so the trio, with jest and raillery, and in high good humour with all the world and themselves, parted.

Great was the stir, and much was the commotion, in the little community of Tollicherry, when it was known that my brother had been in such imminent peril, and that his life had been saved by the gallantry and promptitude of Lieutenant Mitchel. The story had to be told over again and again, and the questions to be answered respecting the occurrence could not be enumerated. At last, like every other nine days' wonder, people began to get tired of it, and the dinner to the hero of the tale came in its turn to occupy public attention.

On the morning before that named for the dinner, G. and my brother encountered each other near M.'s bungalow, where my brother had just been. The conversation that ensued referred almost entirely to G.'s coming party. 'I've asked everyone,' said G., 'except V., who is on circuit, and A., who is on leave, and old B., who is sick of the gout.'

'Sick of the gout!' returned my brother. 'I should think so. Who wouldn't be that ever had a taste of it?'

'Come, come, Doctor; it's too early in the morning. A man should be scrupulous about taking drams in the morning.'

'Oh, G., G., how can you?—stale, flat, and unprofitable, and hypocritical besides, while pretending to give your friends advice. But tell me who you have got.'

'H. will come,' replied G.; 'but from the distance at which he resides, he stipulates that he is to go as soon as he has had coffee. The Zillah Judge will come too, though I suspect he obtained leave with great difficulty, as he adds, "You will not press me to stay later than half-past nine, as we always retire to rest at 10 p.m." Then Mitchel, our two selves, young B. and old B. (the Captain, I mean), will make up the party.'

'Won't you have the missionary, Mr. G.?'

'No, that I won't; he'd only be a wet blanket,' said G., 'and I don't want any wet blankets—in fact, I never liked them.'

'Poor fellow!' replied my brother. 'How I feel for him! How his bowels will yearn when he hears of a feed that he's not to have a share of!'

'Well,' returned G., 'his bowels may yearn, then; for he won't get a share of mine.'

'He'll be very indignant, if not spiteful,' said my brother. 'You'd better have him; he'll talk about the tithe-offering, and quote Leviticus to no end.'

'Well, he certainly will quote Leviticus to no end on this occasion, for I certainly won't have him,' said G.

Young B. and Mitchel then came up, and the whole four then sauntered on to G.'s to take early tea or coffee. While thus engaged, the conversation again turned on guests expected. 'But do you really mean to say,' said young Henry B., 'that H. has got leave to come? I can scarcely credit it. My worthy cousin Harriet would scarcely permit such a breach of discipline.' The conditions under which Mr. H. had accepted the invitation were then made known to him; he burst into a fit of laughter. '"Retire to rest," is it? I wonder how people can tell such open and apparent terra dilles!' Then he indulged in another outbreak. 'Faix, as Paddy says, they won't break their hearts with resting, I'll engage!' 'Come, come, Master B., you must behave yourself!' 'Behave herself, did you say? No doubt she does—like an angel under trying circumstances.' 'Challenge him, Mitchel, to a game at billiards—do anything to arrest his wicked conversation,' said G. 'Remember my respectability is at stake.' 'Oh,' said B., 'it's three to one against you; what's it in—ponies?' 'Worse and worse!' replied G. 'First he throws away his loose words, and now he wants to throw away his loose cash.' 'Oh, you cave in, do you?' said B. 'Well, so be it; but now I'm going to be serious.' His eyes were dancing with laughter, and the internal chuckling was so overpowering that he could scarcely speak. 'I've got a little plan in my head——' 'A maggar, or anything else that's lively,' interposed Mitchel. 'No,' replied B., 'I wouldn't deprive you for the world; but it's this: If we all set to work carefully, set all our watches an hour slow, and you, G., set all your clocks to the same time, it will be our own fault if we can't persuade H. that his watch is an hour fast.'

'Oh, that will never do!' replied G. 'Mrs. H. always sends his palankeen for him at the time appointed, and he always goes by that, and with that, or in that, if you prefer it.' 'That's capital,' said Henry B.; 'that will make all sure. I will go out when the man I shall set to watch tells me that the palkee is coming, and direct the bearers to take it to the back of the godowns, and to wait there till Mr. H. sends for them; and then if your butler provides them a good curry and rice, and the wherewithal to wash it down, I'll be bound they won't disturb their master.' 'On my word,' said G., 'it looks promising! I've really half a mind to try it. But will you, all of you, loyally support me and back me up?' 'Of course they will,' said young B.; 'only you resolve to have a whole mind, and not a half one, every man will be steadfast and true.' 'You may count upon one man, at least,' said Mitchel. My brother, led away by the spirit of fun and frolic, confesses that he also promised to be one of the conspirators, and to aid and abet as far as in him lay. 'Oh, but there's still old Captain B.!' said Mitchel. 'Never mind him,' said G. 'I will undertake to seduce him, though I'm not a blooming young maiden of bashful fifteen.' 'Who's wicked now, I wonder?' said Henry B.

'Now's the day and now's the hour,' said Mitchel, as he entered G.'s dining-room. 'And "see the conquering hero comes,"' said my brother. 'That's the text on the present occasion.' 'No, no, Doctor, it's agreed we're to have none of that.' 'Well,' returned my brother, 'it reminds me very much of Scott's story in "Guy Mannering," which records how a number of the porters, criers, and others of like degree attached to a High Court of Judicature were, for the nonce, appointed to determine the difficult and intricate questions arising from a long dormant claim of inheritance, the essential conditions required being that those who were to determine the case should be men of no knowledge. So we are met to do honour to a certain valiant knight, but are not to describe or specify his achievements. On my word it's delightful: nothing can so present the "Lucus a non lucendo" principle more luminously.' 'But I say,' said Mitchel, 'we are here assembled to punish G.'s good things, and not to carry out any visionary ideas of vain glorification and self-laudation, simply to rejoice in the conviction that "all's well that ends well."' 'So be it,' said G.; 'and here comes Hooper,' who was greeted cordially by all present. How could it be otherwise? I never knew the man who did not like and respect him. He was greatly amused at hearing of the conditions of the feast. 'Truly, you ought to be called the club of Odd Fellows; but chacun à son goût. It's a relief to me, as, otherwise, I should, I suppose, have been called upon for a speech.' 'Oh,' said G., 'you will certainly have to make a speech, and it must be in honour of Mitchel. The only peculiarity is that you are not to say what he is to be honoured for.' 'That's the regulation, is it?' said H., laughing. 'Again I say you certainly have earned the title of Odd Fellows; besides, I don't see how such a whimsical regulation can be complied with.' 'You'll see your way out of it, never fear,' said Mitchel, 'when you have had a few glasses of côte d'or.' 'I hope I shall, but I don't now,' replied H.

Mr. Henry B., Mr. H., and Captain Brennan now made their appearance. The newcomers were warmly welcomed, and almost immediately afterwards dinner was announced. Dinners are so much alike that it would be almost an impertinence to enter into details; it is enough to assure those interested in such matters that the champagne and claret, the soda-water, etc., were all properly refrigerated, and the punkah-pullers did their duty. The table was a round one, and the party seven, so that the conversation was general.

After the feeding was over, and the wine had circulated two or three times, the gathering became a very merry one. By-and-by Mr. Hooper was called on by the host to give the toast of the evening, but requested to bear in mind the conditions imposed. Mr. H. rose and spoke thus: 'Gentlemen, I have been requested by our worthy host, under certain conditions, to propose a toast. I can truly say that no gentleman rising in a certain honourable House to deliver his maiden speech ever felt himself in a position of greater difficulty than I do at this moment. Were I a new Demosthenes, or a Cicero, or both rolled into one, it would still be difficult to speak of a noble action without referring to it, without describing it, and without stating what it averted. This being so, I must leave you, who feel on this subject, I am sure, as much as I do myself, to interpret my feelings for me, and to imagine all that I would have said, had not your special regulation, by which you have fairly earned the designation of Odd Fellows, prevented me. Neither do I forget the old saying regarding brevity; therefore, in proposing Lieutenant Mitchel's health, which I trust will be drunk with all the honours, I beg leave to say that in my heart I believe I am proposing the health of as brave and generous and noble-hearted an officer as there is in the service, and if I knew of anything stronger than this to say in his praise I would say it. Gentlemen and friends, I beg to propose the health of Lieutenant Mitchel, of the —— Regiment, M.N.I.' As Mr. H. sat down there was most vociferous cheering, clapping, etc., and Mitchel's health was drunk in the most approved fashion.

Lieutenant Mitchel now stood up and said: 'Gentlemen, speechifying isn't my line; therefore I feel sure that you will not insist on my attempting what I know I can't do. But, gentlemen, pray believe me when I say that I feel your kindness most deeply, though I have not the gift of words to express it. I beg to drink all your healths, and thank you heartily for the manner in which you have drunk mine. I also beg to thank Mr. H. especially for the kind and handsome way he has spoken of me.'

'Bravo, Mitchel! A very good speech indeed!' said Mr. G., as soon as the shouting and hip-hipping allowed him to be heard. 'Now, Doctor, we must call upon you, who, after all, are the most interested in this affair.' 'Truly, as you have said, most noble President,' replied my brother, as he rose to respond to the call made on him, 'I am the person most interested, because I am the person most benefited, and were I without a wife or family I should say solely benefited. At any rate, I have received that described elsewhere in these words, "What will not a man give for his life?" Sure, to a brave man, the stab of a poniard or knife, the stroke of a sabre, or the blow from a ball, are, as respects himself, little heeded, and are faced without a moment's hesitation on very slight grounds. But, gentlemen, there are pangs that strike deeper, and pangs that are felt more keenly by the bravest than any that can affect him personally. Can a husband, think you, feel no deeper pang at parting for ever from a beloved wife? Can a father, think you, leave helpless orphans behind him and feel no deeper pang than lead or steel can inflict? Your own kindly hearts, silently yet eloquently, answer my questions. Can I, then, measure the extent of my obligations to a friend who has saved me from sorrows such as these? Lifelong gratitude is insufficient to mark that measure. Well may I repeat his simple but genuine expression of feeling when I say, "I have not the gift of words to express it." Gentlemen, I am forbidden by the regulation which has been established, not because we are "Odd Fellows," as suggested by our excellent friend Mr. H., but on account of the extreme modesty of that matchless friend to whom I owe so much, but may not name. The king of our party for this evening has enjoined us to go into no details, and to avoid all particulars. I am thus forbidden to speak as I would wish of that lightning-flash of intellect, which, guided by his rapid eye, revealed to him instantaneously a danger that no one but himself perceived. In like manner I am debarred from enlarging on that decision—that wonderful decision that guided his action. A single second's delay would have enabled the poor maniac to strike, and so close and with such a weapon, death would have been inevitable. Neither am I permitted to describe that instantaneous and robust action which converted the internal electric message and order into practice. Intelligence like intuition, decision without an instant's hesitation, with courage, strength, and skill, as well as reckless self-devotion, are all manifested here in the highest degree; qualities which, when united, win the love, respect, and admiration of all who witness them, and which, in addition, so far as concerns myself, have converted a casual acquaintance into a grateful and attached friend for life.

'Gentlemen, I should infringe our regulation if I stated the name of the man to whom these remarks refer; but it needs not, there is a vox non audita, as well as a lex non scripta, and this inaudible voice will teach you to whom my words apply: and also those words I have not spoken, those words which would in part convey by sounds the thoughts and feelings that must remain unspoken, ineffable, the thoughts and feelings of a grateful heart. Gentlemen, before I sit down, I beg leave to drink all your healths.'

During the whole time that my brother was speaking there was a profound silence; when he sat down there was a hum and a subdued thumping on the table, but not the uproarious applause that had greeted the two previous speakers. During almost the whole time occupied by my brother's speech, Mitchel had remained with his head bowed over the table; when my brother sat down he stretched his hand over to him, and there was a long pressure of hands, while both were perfectly silent.

Mr. G. now got up and said: 'The deep feeling and the good sense of the Doctor's admirable speech seem to have subdued us all, but at the same time to have decreased our mirth. This must not be; we are met here to illustrate the value and the wisdom of our dear Shakespeare's words, "All's well that ends well," so let us have a hip! hip! hurray for the Doctor's speech, and then we'll call on one of our friends to sing or do something to enliven us; or we'll order coffee, and get up a match at billiards.' So the hurraying was duly gone through, and then, as no one seemed inclined for more wine, coffee was ordered; and shortly after Mr. H. took his departure.

Henry B. then said aloud to one of the peons: 'Will you go and call my boy, Ramasawmy. I've forgotten my cigar-case.' Ramasawmy appeared almost before G. could say: 'Never mind your cheroots. I've got a lot of good ones here, so help yourself.' 'Thank you,' said B., 'I'll take one to amuse me till my own are forthcoming; but I don't wish to lose my case. I dare say it's in the palkee.' Ramasawmy departed, but having been carefully instructed shortly came back to say he couldn't find it. 'Oh, you're a stupid fellow!' said B., 'I'll be bound I find it in a minute. Just excuse me for a moment or two, and I'll be back almost before you can look round.' So B. and his boy, Ramasawmy, went to the palankeen, and of course found no cigar-case.

'Now, boy,' said B., 'you know where you're to watch. Here's the cigar-case; you are, as soon as you see the palkee coming, to run back and give the case to me publicly. I shall then ask you where you found it, and you must reply: "Come with me, sir, and I will show"—you understand.' 'Yes, sar, understand.' After this little private dialogue, B. returned, saying as he rejoined his friends: 'It's odd I can't find the case in the palkee, so I have ordered the boy to go home for it.' 'What a fuss you make about the case, B.; you can get cigars and plenty here, so make yourself easy, man, and take up a cue,' said G. 'There will be four of you without me; I'll look on.' 'I'll be hanged if you do!' returned Mitchel, 'we'll draw lots; lowest figure sits out.' 'I'm afraid,' said Mr. H., 'that you must not count on me; you must make up your match without me; you know that I bargained with you, G., that I was to leave about half-past nine.' 'All right,' said G., 'it's a long way off that now; there's oceans of time for a match.' 'Well,' said H., 'if I do play, the match must be a short one, say fifty.' 'Don't be alarmed, man,' said G., 'there's plenty of time for a hundred.' 'No, no,' said H., 'I can't play if it's more than a fifty.' 'Come,' said G., 'split the difference, we'll make it seventy.' 'So be it then,' said H.; 'let us make our sides at once. Mitchel is the best amongst us, therefore whoever has him must give ten points.' 'Agreed,' said G., 'but who sits out? There's the Doctor, Captain B., and Henry B.' 'I really can't play till I hear about my cigar-case,' said H. B. 'Upon my word, B., you make more bother about the confounded case than it's worth,' said Mitchel. 'I shouldn't wonder,'said G., 'that he has got some notes on pink paper richly perfumed in that same case, instead of cigars.' 'Oh, that's it, is it!' said H.; 'I really began to think he was getting off his head. I never knew him to care two straws about a cigar-case before.' 'It's very hard,' said B., with a pretended mock-modest air, 'that a man can't look for his cigar-case without having all his little peccadillos inquired into, and without, as it were, being hauled up for summary judgment. I say "live and let live;" you go on with your game, and I'll go on with mine.'

All this was really so well acted that poor Mr. H. was entirely thrown off his guard. Captain B. could not see very well by candle-light, so he declined playing; thus the sides were G. and my brother against H. and Mitchel. The game was begun with great spirit by Mitchel, who scored a dozen before G. had made a point. By-and-by Mitchel was put out, and H. and G. played very evenly; then G. was put out, and it was my brother against H., both cautious, the score thirty-five to twenty-eight. 'If we don't get on faster than this,' said H., 'I shall have to throw up; my palkee will be here shortly, and as Mrs. H. sits up for me, I never keep her waiting.' 'Of course you could not do that,' said G. 'Of course not,' said my brother. At this moment Ramasawmy entered panting and holding up the cigar-case, and exclaiming: 'I've found it, sir!' 'Where did you find it?' said B. 'Was it at home, or was it, after all, in the palkee?' 'Come and see, sir! I show place in the palkee.' 'Before you go,' said G., 'let us see what kind are the cigars you've got in it.' 'Not for the world,' said B., possessing himself of the case, and buttoning it up in a breast-pocket; 'not for the world.' 'That's too bad,' said Mitchel, 'after all this palaver, not to let us see what the tobacco's like; very shabby, upon my life.' 'I see,' said G., laughing; 'I say, B., tell us her Christian name.' But H. B. was off to his palkee to see where the case could have been hidden; but instead of stopping at his palkee, he walked on rapidly in the direction indicated by his boy. He soon met Mr. H.'s palkee and bearers; he stopped them at once (and being master's cousin they had not the slightest suspicion that the Saib was cozening them), and said to them: 'Mr. H. does not want to go home just yet, so you come with me, and I'll show you where to put the palkee; and while you wait I'll tell the butler to send you a good curry, and a bottle of brandy.' Bearers are very good fellows as a rule, yet they are but men, after all; therefore, after a little show of resistance, they followed Mr. B., who took them to the back of the godowns in perfect silence, then qualms of conscience, or more properly fear of consequences, overcame their resolution, and the head boy said: 'But, sar, missis very angry, not bring master home soon.' 'Yes,' said Henry B., 'missis a little angry, but master much like to stay.'

While the boys were hesitating, the curry and rice and the bottle of brandy made their appearance. This almost decided the matter, but fear again interfered in this shape. 'But, sar, what can tell when come too late—what can tell?' 'You can say that Mr. G. so good; give curry and rice while master play. Then when curry and rice done eat you lay down to sleep, and you make a little mistake and sleep a little too long.' The rascals grinned, evidently relishing the joke and the prospect. Still they might have refused had not B. judiciously vanquished their scruples by placing 10 Rs. in the hand of the head bearer. They looked at one another, their eyes gleamed, and then they severally pressed Mr. B.'s hand against their foreheads, which he perfectly understood as a sign of fealty and allegiance for the time; then he left them to enjoy their feast, and went back to his friends.

On his return he said: 'It was no great wonder that I couldn't find it; it had somehow slipped from the pocket between the panel and the lining. Even when we got to the palkee the boy himself was some time before he could again find the place.' 'Very good,' said G.; 'the mysterious disappearance of the case is at last accounted for. But won't you, now that you've got it safe, let us look at the tobacco? What can your objection be?' 'Really, G.,' said H. B., 'you wouldn't ask me to do such a thing! I appeal to you, would it be honourable, or gentleman-like, or generous, or—or proper in any point of view? Now would it?' 'Good heavens!' returned G.; 'you quite overwhelm me. Is there anything dishonourable, or ungentleman-like, or improper in showing a little tobacco? You must be dreaming.' 'No, G.; but you know what I mean. Now don't, like a good fellow, press me. Of course there could be nothing wrong in showing a little tobacco; but you know (don't press me too hard)—suppose, I say—suppose it were possible that the case did or might contain—— I say, suppose it were possible that it did contain——' 'Well,' said G., laughing heartily and in good earnest at the admirable way in which B. acted his part—'well, if there should be, what?' 'Upon my life, it's not fair. You know very well, every gentleman knows, that there are some things which honour forbids him to speak of, and some things which honour doubly forbids him to show.' 'Game,' said G., as he made a winning hazard and a canon at the same stroke. 'I bow,' said Mr. H.; 'and now it's time for me to go.' 'Nonsense!' said G.; 'it isn't near your time yet. We ran this game off so quickly that there will be time—plenty of time—for another short game.' 'It is not so, I assure you,' said H.; 'in fact, I ought to be off now. But I can't think what detains my palkee.' 'Why, it's not much beyond half-past eight yet,' said G. 'What's the hurry? You're due to us till half-past nine at least.' 'But,' said H., 'it's half-past nine now. See for yourself' (pulling out his watch); 'it's just half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine! It's impossible! We haven't been playing half an hour, and I'm sure it wasn't more than eight when we began.' 'Facts are stubborn things, friend G. If you won't believe my watch, look at your own.' 'I never was so deceived if it is so,' said G.; 'that's all I can say. Chasra, on my dressing-table you'll find my watch; bring it me.'

While G.'s watch was being sent for the other conspirators consulted their watches. Mitchel said: 'I can't look at mine, for it's at—for it's at—I'm ashamed to mention where, lest my uncle should reproach me.' All laughed at this sally till H. said: 'Why, what's that in your waistcoat pocket? And is that handsome chain attached to nothing?' 'Oh, this,' said Mitchel—'this is only for show, and as for the other, it's only a dummy. The real Simon pure is gone on a ticket of leave; in short, it's a case of tick, tick.' 'Well, you're a humourist, Master Mitchel, as well as the king of the evening; but this does not prove that it's not half-past nine.' 'Half-past nine!' said Henry B.; 'it's quite out of the question. I've been waiting to hear what the others said, but here's my ticker—not gone on a ticket of leave as my friend's has—and it says no such thing: but as I'm not very precise in setting and winding up, I wait to hear what others say.' Captain B. now produced an old-fashioned watch of amazing dimensions, which he showed to my brother, begging him to say what time it pointed to. 'Half-past eight p.m.,' said my brother. 'Ah,' said the old Captain, 'it never varies a minute in the twenty-four hours. It's a chronometer, though rather an old one; set it at 6 a.m. in the morning, and at 6 a.m. the next morning there won't be the difference of a half minute.' 'What does your watch say, Doctor?' inquired H.; 'it's very extraordinary that there should be such a difference.' 'My watch,' said my brother, 'points to half-past eight precisely.' Here G.'s Chasra came in with G.'s watch in his hand. G. opened it, and held it out triumphantly to H. 'I can't make it out,' said that gentleman; 'the watch was all right this morning, and I can see it hasn't stopped. I can't think what has happened; all the watches agree except mine.' 'It is very remarkable,' said G. 'I really can't quite understand, nor explain it either, unless you by some accident set your watch an hour too fast.' 'That's just it,' said Henry B.; 'that's what he has done that he might get away the sooner. He says it was an accident.' 'I never said anything of the kind,' said H.; 'it was G. who suggested it, as a possible explanation. But what do your clocks say, G.? You have one very good hall clock by Frodsham, and a Samuel Slick; if they agree and say 8.30 p.m., I shall think that, by some mental preoccupation, I must have made the mistake you suggest. But truly it's a singular accident that never happened before.' 'He says,' said B., 'that he thinks it must have been an accident. I have my own opinion as to that; he's an artful dodger, is this worthy cousin of mine. An accident done for the purpose might perhaps explain the matter. Here he comes with G., after examining the clocks.'

'Well, what say you now?' said H. B. 'I suppose,' replied H., 'I must have made the mistake of setting my watch an hour too fast, though how I can have done so, and not have observed it all day, is past my comprehension.' 'What's the use of talking?' said H. B. 'The thing is clear enough. All our watches agree, and so you find do the clocks. But there's another proof—if your palkee were here, you would be sure that you were right, and that we were wrong; but you see it isn't here, and you can't suppose that Mrs. H. has made any mistake, can you?' 'Why, no,' said H.; 'she's very accurate as to time.' 'Well,' returned H. B., 'that must be a great comfort to you,' though he could scarcely restrain his laughter. 'Now let us have another game,' said G., 'for a hundred, and that will give you and Mitchel a chance of recovering your lost laurels.' 'Aye, come along H.; we'll beat them this time,' said Mitchel. 'And as you've got ample time for play, there need be no hurried strokes.' 'Ah!' returned H.; 'I intend to play this time.' 'Bravo!' said G., though he could scarcely speak from his desire to laugh. My brother kept silent from the same cause, and Captain B. was openly on the broad grin. But all this passed off. H. was fairly talked down, persuaded by the cumulative evidence brought to bear against him that his senses had on this occasion deceived him; to use the popular expression, he was fairly persuaded out of his senses, to which result the non-arrival of the palankeen mainly contributed. He knew very well that Mrs. H. was not likely to make any mistake relative to her personal comforts; so, his mind being set at ease, he bent his whole energies to the play, and right well he did play. When the game was over, Mitchel confessed that it was H., and not himself, who had won it; and when G. and my brother acknowledged their defeat, H., in high feather, said, 'I must say it serves you right; you've done nothing but laugh and joke, and have paid attention to everything but your game. If fellows, when they have any kind of opponents, will do that, they deserve to lose.' 'Spoken like a judge, indeed,' observed G.; still, for some unaccountable reason, he continued to chuckle and laugh. '"Spoken like a judge!" I say, "Spoken like an oracle,"' said Mitchel. 'Judges are sometimes wrong; oracles never.' 'Ah, there it is!' said H.; 'it's this kind of chaff that's been the ruin of your game. You keep on provoking each other to laugh, till none of you can hold a cue steadily. The Doctor twice missed the simplest canon, merely from laughing.' Here H.'s harangue was cut short by H. B., who came in from outside to announce the arrival of Mr. H.'s palkee and bearers, to whom he had in a moment given the welcome intelligence that they need make no apology for being late, as Mr. H. had not required them. In a few seconds after, Mr. H. B. did so in his own peculiar manner—i.e., by calling out 'Mr. H.'s carriage stops the way,' which was scarcely pronounced when the bearers announced themselves by their 'hum, hum; ha, ha,' etc. H. at once descended from the judgment-seat into the obedient husband. He lost no time in bidding good-bye and shaking hands with everyone. 'Can't stay any longer, thank you, G. You know I bargained to go at half-past nine, and it's fully that now.' 'Yes,' said H. B., 'I think it's full that now; therefore it's time for you to go. I know Mrs. H. won't go to bed till you go home. Well, if ever I take a wife, I hope I shall get such a blessing. Good-bye.' 'Good-bye,' said H. As he got into his palankeen, he said, 'I thank you, G., for a very pleasant evening.' 'Good-bye,' was returned by all. As Mr. H. moved off, he said, 'Let me recommend you all to follow my example.' 'We would if we could,' returned H. B., 'but we haven't got the opportunity.' 'Oh yes, you have; you can all retire early if you will.'

Mr. H. was no sooner gone than the whole party gave way freely to the laughter they had been so long contending against; it was hearty and long continued. The first who recovered himself was G. 'I did not know,' said he to H. B., 'that you were such an accomplished actor, B. Your acting about the cigar-case and the supposed billet-doux was really inimitable.' 'Yes,' said Mitchel; 'he did it so well that he really deceived me, and made me think that he actually had got something of that kind in his case.' 'There it is,' said H. B.; 'if you can find any billet-doux therein, you may keep them for your trouble.' 'There,' replied Mitchel; 'I agree with G. that you are a first-rate actor, or dissembler, whichever term you like best.' 'Oh, they're both so highly complimentary that all I can do is to bow and say, "Pray spare my blushes,"' which he uttered with such an affected and coquettish air and manner that again he set the whole party in a roar. 'H. says,' resumed H. B., 'that he thanks G. for a very pleasant evening. I hope he will find it equally so when he gets home; but, as our friends on the north of the Tweed say, "I ha'e my doots."' 'I also "ha'e my doots,"' said G. 'I don't think,' said my brother, 'that I "ha'e any doots"; on the contrary, I strongly suspect (if what I hear be not altogether libellous) that he will find the atmosphere at home uncommonly hot just now.' 'I shouldn't wonder, from his haste to be gone as soon as the palkee came here, that he has a fear of what's coming,' said old Captain B. 'Well,' said B., 'I agree with you, and shouldn't wonder if before he reaches the petticoat he has an attack of cold shivers. Some ladies, for the offence of keeping them waiting, would content themselves with making the atmosphere cool, or cold, according to the gravity of the crime, and the length of time it had been persisted in; but dear Mrs. H. is of such a temperament that I am sure poor H. will find neither coolness nor coldness in his domestic atmosphere—it will be hot, very hot, you may rely on it.' 'If,' said the old Captain, 'he does not get his wig combed by a three-legged stool, he may think himself lucky.' 'Well said again, B.,' said G. 'You've been silent all the evening, and now you're beginning to come out in good style.' 'The truth is, I was afeard to say anythink, lest I should laugh outright; and I never likes to spile sport,' said the old man. 'No,' said G., 'I'm sure you don't; you're too good a sample of an old salt to do that.' 'Sailors ain't commonly fond of doing that, I do think,' replied the old boy, highly pleased at the compliment. 'Only think,' said H. B., 'how H. is catching it now! I should pity him, if I could for laughing.' 'I confess,' said G., 'the fun overcomes the pity, in my mind. If a man likes to have dirty water emptied on his head à la Mrs. Xantippe, he deserves what he gets. We have, after all, only detained him an hour, so that there isn't anything really to complain of; and he is perfectly innocent of any premeditated crime. We can all bear witness that it was only by a ruse that we got him to stay at all. Knowing this as he must do, he shows himself to be neither manly nor wise,' remarked G., 'to suffer himself to be so used; but if he likes it, let him have it.' 'So I say,' said Mitchel; 'let him have it.' 'But,' said my brother, 'what was the object, Mitchel, of your pretty little tale about your watch and your uncle, and all that, when, not more than ten minutes before, I saw you put a handsome gold hunter into your waistcoat pocket?' 'Why, you see,' replied Mitchel, 'I don't like telling any more lies than are needful, and therefore I evaded the question.' 'Commend me to your nice and delicate conscience!' replied my brother. 'You tell half a dozen unnecessary lies to avoid one.' 'Come, Doctor, that won't do. Is there no difference in fabricating terradiddles such as these, and answering a direct question by a designedly untruthful reply?' 'Now,' replied my brother, 'you are turning jest into earnest; you forget the whole thing was a joke.' 'No joke to H., you may rely on that, as he has found out before now,' said H. B. 'Oh, let us hope,' said G., 'that the fire has burnt itself out, and that they have made it up, and set things right by this time.' 'Amen,' said Mitchel; 'let them fight, or love—it's all the same to me.' It was now near 12 p.m. My brother had taken his departure some time before; Captain B. had done the same; Mitchel and H. B. only were left, and they now wished G. good-night, both declaring that they had spent a very jolly evening. Just before H. B. got into his palkee, he said, 'I think I shall call on Mrs. H. to-morrow.' 'No,' returned G.; 'you haven't impudence enough for that.' 'Haven't I? We shall see,' said H. B. 'Yes, we shall see,' said G. 'Good-night.' 'Good-night,' returned B., and off he went.

The next day, as my brother was returning from his hospital, at which he had had an extra and emergent case, he saw B.'s palkee at G.'s door, and though he was anxious to get home to his dinner (he always dined at 3 p.m.), curiosity prompted him to look in at G.'s for a few minutes. G. said, as he shook hands with him: 'You've come just in time to hear B.'s report of his visit to Mrs. H.' 'To Mrs. H.? Surely he has not had the audacity to go there! I should have thought that after the little performances of last night that was the last place he would have ventured near.' 'So did I,' replied G., 'and though he said last night before he left that he thought he should call on Mrs. H. this morning, I didn't believe he meant to do it.' 'But he has done it,' said H. B., 'and if you like I'll tell you what passed between us.' 'Of course we should like to hear the report beyond everything.' 'Well,' said B., his eyes dancing with the sense of fun, 'as soon as I stepped out of the palkee the maty came running to say Mrs. not very well; couldn't see me. I expected this, and was prepared for it. I had written on one of my cards in pencil "Very particular." I gave it to him, and told him to give it to his mistress, and that I would wait for the answer. By-and-by he came to say that if I would step into the drawing-room and sit down for a few minutes Mrs. H. would see me. So I sat down, and in about ten minutes the fair lady made her appearance, and without saying good-morning, or shaking hands with me, or any of the usual proprieties, she said at once: "Very pretty doings at Mr. Goodwin's last night—doings that I don't think at all respectable—keeping my husband out half the night." "Oh, not so bad as that, Harriet" (we are cousins, you know), interrupted I. "As to the exact time I can't say," said Mrs. H., "but I know he was much later than he ought to have been, and much later than he promised me he would be, and I don't thank you for helping to detain him—in fact, from his account you were quite as bad as Mr. G. himself." "If you knew all," said I, "you wouldn't say that." "If I knew all," said Mrs. H. "What do you mean"—opening her eyes wide—"if I knew all? Pray explain yourself." "It is for that reason that I am here," said I. "Well, what is it?" said the lady, becoming impatient. "But I know"—making her eyes small again—"you have nothing to tell me; you only want to excuse and smooth down that very pretty, gentleman-like trick of deceiving my husband as to the hour. I wonder you were not all of you ashamed to combine together to tell a falsehood in order to deceive a poor——" Here she stopped. "Weak silly fellow" I thought was coming, but she recollected herself in time and stopped, and then said: "But I'll take care how he goes to Mr. G.'s again, that you may rely on. And pray, sir" (I saw she was getting warm), "what may this explanation or excuse be that you say on your card is so very particular?" "Why, really, Mrs. H., though I have come here for this very purpose, I hesitate to tell you." "But I insist upon knowing, sir, though you have not acted in this instance as a relative. I consider you are bound in honour and as a gentleman to tell me what you have called me from a sick-bed to hear. Pray go on, sir. But tell me, before you do so, how it was that my bearers were decoyed to eat and drink with Mr. G.'s servants before they announced themselves. Was that another of his pretty little devices to induce a husband to break his promises, and spend his evening away from his wife? A very pretty and respectable leader for all the young men of the place; but it's quite consistent with his disreputable mode of life. But for you, a relative, to league yourself with such a man, and to aid and abet him in his vile arts and practices, it's too bad—really disgraceful! And then there's that disreputable Doctor, leaving his wife to spend what he calls a jolly evening. As he doesn't seem to know it, it's a pity his wife doesn't teach him his duty better, and she would if she were the right stamp of woman; but she isn't, poor benighted creature, with her papistry and superstition! If it wasn't for this she'd teach that good-for-nothing, disreputable husband of hers not to go on in such a disgraceful way." Here she really couldn't go on for want of breath, so I said: "But what does the Doctor do that's disgraceful?" "Does he not leave his wife to spend the night by herself in order that he may consort with bachelors and boys? He, a married man, and a medical man too! Isn't that disgraceful? But I suppose not in your estimation." "On my honour, Mrs. H., I can't see any harm in the Doctor's spending an evening with a friend, though he has the misfortune to be a bachelor." "Oh, there are always two ways of putting things, Mr. B., and if the company in themselves were not highly unbecoming for a married man and a medical man and a senior to keep, was it not unbecoming and disgraceful to help in telling a lie? You may not consider such conduct disgraceful, but I do, sir, especially when I know the object. Then, to make your party the more select, you could find no one, besides the vulgar old sea-captain, or whatever he may be, and that roistering, drinking, smoking, gambling, irreligious young fellow, Lieutenant Mitchel, making good the old saying, 'Tell me your company and I'll tell you what you are.'" She had nearly run herself out, but I was patient, and only said: "Truly, Mrs. H., you have given the whole party all round a sharp dressing." "Sharp dressing! I only wish I had the power to do so; you'd see I wouldn't spare them!" ("I'm sure you wouldn't," said I to myself; but I spoke no word.) "Sharp dressing indeed! Not half as much as they deserve who invent and tell lies with intent to do mischief and breed disturbance in families! Faugh! I haven't patience with such doings or such people! And then your magnanimous, generous, and hospitable friend, Mr. G., could extend his hospitality to everyone in the station but poor Mr. Gundert, who is too poor himself to drink a glass of champagne, though the good man enjoys it, when he does get it, perhaps a little more than he, as a clergyman, ought to do. Him Mr. G. couldn't include in his invite. No; a good and pious, really religious man would be out of place at Mr. G.'s table, and wouldn't be acceptable, I suppose, either to himself or the rest of the set he has there." Having now gone all round the ring, and thoroughly run herself down, she returned to the question which, in her anger and indignation against Mr. G. and all his friends, she had allowed to remain dormant for a time, and once more she said: "What is this explanation that is so 'very particular,' and which nevertheless you, in your great delicacy and diffidence, hesitate to communicate? Will you now condescend to mention it, or will you leave it unspoken? Only as I am not well I request you to come to a decision without more delay." She then allowed her hands to fall into her lap, and looked me, with her eyes wide open, full in the face. It was well for me that she hadn't the strength or claws or fangs of a tigress, or undoubtedly it would have been bad for me. As it was, I bore her stare without flinching, and said: "If you will permit me to make the remark, I have been waiting with some little patience for you to give me the opportunity of making this explanation. I could not do so sooner without interrupting you." "Well, sir, I am waiting your pleasure."

'"Then, Mrs. H., I can truly say that all we did last night was done with the best intentions, and I am sorry to see that our little harmless joke has been taken up by you so very seriously."

'"Harmless joke!" ejaculated Mrs. H.; "a nice sample of a harmless joke indeed, to deceive an unsuspecting man and make him break his word to his wife and thereby cause dissensions; a nice harmless joke indeed! But pray, sir, what do you mean by your 'good intentions'? No doubt they were as good as your acts. But what do you wish me to understand by the expression? Pray be brief, and, if you can, candid."

'"Why, then, Mrs. H., we did it solely to please your husband."

'"Stop, sir; don't add to your other ill-deeds by insulting Mr. H. as well as myself. A statement like that is too gross to tolerate."

'"There it is," said I. "You won't hear me, but keep on pitching into me, and say that I am insulting H. and yourself."

'"Yes, sir, I do say so, when you have the assurance to tell me that in deceiving my husband you did it to please him."

'"Well, Mrs. H., why won't you let me explain to you my meaning?"

'"Your meaning is insulting, sir."

'"Don't be angry, Harriet, without cause."

'"I have cause; and don't Harriet me. I don't wish to acknowledge relationship with one who acts so unlike a relation."

'"Pardon me; I do not act unlike a relative. It is you who imagine that I act so. Now tell me, is it insulting to imagine that your husband likes a game at billiards, and that he would like to play the return game, only that he couldn't in consequence of his promise to you; is that insulting?"

'"That is not insulting," returned Mrs. H.; "but I don't see what you are aiming at, and I know there is something behind."

'"Well, then, so far, you admit, we were not to blame. Now, to afford him the opportunity of playing, while all the while he was perfectly innocent of any intention either to deceive you or to break his promise, is, after all, not a very serious offence, is it?"

'"You have certainly honourably exonerated my husband from lending himself to your practices; but, in doing so, you have taken on yourselves the whole odium of the proceeding." And, getting angry again, she said: "Pray, sir, how do you know that my husband really wanted to play and have this return match, as you say? It is, in spite of all your ingenuity, a very poor compliment to me as well as to my husband to say or to insinuate that he preferred your sweet company to mine, for that's what it comes to."

'"Oh no; nothing of the sort, Mrs. H. Consider Mr. H. has you always, and has seldom the chance of a match at billiards."

'"Thank you, sir; your candour is equalled by your politeness; but I don't put the slightest faith in your story; I don't believe that my husband showed, by word or deed, that he would rather stay away from me. It's a vile insinuation and a libel. If I thought so I'd——But no, there isn't a particle of truth in the idea. What proof can you bring forward; what foundation have you for so scandalous a supposition?"

'"I see you turn everything against me," said I, "and that whatever I say I only come in for more blame; therefore I'll say no more, though as to the proofs for our opinion they were palpable enough. People, all as one man, can't mistake joyous looks, and lively manner, and sparkling eyes for displeasure or for anything but signs of satisfaction; but I see you don't believe me, and that I am offending you still more."

'"You are, sir, both displeasing and offending me. I wonder how you dare to traduce my husband behind his back in such a way, and to my very face, too; but, as I said before, it's a vile calumny, and I don't believe there's a shadow of ground for such an impertinent assumption; but the moment my husband comes home I shall ascertain if there is, and if——But I know it's all your evil disposition and imagination. I wish you good-morning, sir."

'"Good-morning, Mrs. H.; I'm sorry to see that, instead of mending matters, as I hoped to do, I have——"

'"There, sir, that will do," as she swept out of the room, waving me away from her with her hand. I restrained myself till I got into my palkee; since then I've done nothing but laugh—shook the palkee so much, that the boys looked in to see what was the matter; and then I heard them laughing among themselves, and I have hardly recovered yet.'

'Upon my word,' said G., 'you possess an amount of cheek that I didn't give you credit for, nor did I think that little spitfire would let out so furiously.'

'But poor H.,' said my brother, 'he got bastinadoed last night, it appears; and now you have let him in for a second castigation.'

'Pooh, pooh!' said G.; 'if a man is such an ape as to allow himself to be so used by that little virago of a wife of his, he deserves all he gets for staying out an hour later than the time promised—to have all the dirty water in the house emptied on his head; he well deserves the libation for submitting to it so tamely; it is a very perfect illustration of the "palmam qui meruit, ferat."'

So each of the parties was left to his own mood; G. contemptuous, though amused; my brother thoughtful, though inclined to laugh; and H. B. revelling in the fun and perfectly indifferent to everything beside.

For two months after this date, Mr. and Mrs. H. passed each and every member of the party at G.'s with averted heads whenever they met them. Mr. G. and all his friends saluted them on every occasion just as usual, till at last this dreadful feud was healed, outwardly at least, by Mr. V.'s good offices; but H. never went again to any of G.'s parties.

THE END.

Elliot Stock, Paternoster Row, London.