A BADLY MIXED POLITICAL SPEECH NEAR CRESTLINE, O.—PAGE 438.
I opened up on them like a thunderbolt, and succeeded in fairly mopping the floor with the Democratic party.
After talking a full half hour, and relating many a little story which I had picked up for the occasion, and was carrying my audience along under full sail, with almost a full string counted up for the Republican party, the old lawyer who sat behind me, pulled my coat-tail, and began to laugh slightly. I noticed also a few intelligent-looking gentlemen looking suspiciously at one another and laughing immoderately.
I became conscious that something was wrong, and suddenly realized that I had unconsciously switched off onto my Democratic speech.
I hesitated a moment, and on a second's reflection realized that I had been talking Democracy several minutes, and had said several things that I couldn't take back. I became flustered, and hesitated and stumbled more or less till I heard the lawyer say, in a low voice:
"Dang it, get out of it the best you can, and close 'er up—close 'er up quick."
I then said:
"Gentlemen, I am compelled to make an honest, frank confession to you. In the first place I must admit that my politics have become somewhat tangled up in this particular speech; and as an apology for it must honestly confess that I am a Democrat, and have been traveling all over the country making Democratic speeches.
"But I was paid an extra stipulated price this evening to come over here as a substitute and make a Republican speech; and dang me if I haven't got fogged up. So, gentlemen, you must take the will for the deed; and if you are able to unravel my speech, you are welcome to whichever portion pleases you best."
Everybody laughed and yelled, and the majority of them wanted to shake me by the hand and congratulate me.
The old lawyer said one good thing about it was, that the biggest part of my speech was Republican, anyhow; and that I told them a good many plain truths, too, while I was at it.
I asked how about the Democratic part. Weren't they facts, too?
"Well, yes, I guess they were; but, thank God, there wasn't much of it."
He said he couldn't see how on earth I could have gotten my politics so badly mixed, and only for the fact that he positively knew me to be engaged in selling polish and auctionering he would surely take my word for it that I was a Democratic stump speaker. He said further, if I had politics down a little bit finer, he couldn't see anything to prevent me from striking a job in almost any town, as I would be sure to find either a Democratic or Republican meeting wherever I went.
CHAPTER XXV.
CONTINUE TO SELL FOR MERCHANTS—WELL PREPARED FOR WINTER—TRADING A SHOT-GUN FOR A HORSE AND WAGON—AUCTIONEERING FOR MYSELF—MR. KEEFER NEEDING HELP—HOW I RESPONDED—TURNING MY HORSE OUT TO PASTURE—ENGAGED TO SELL ON COMMISSION—HOW I SUCCEEDED—OUT OF A JOB—BUSTED—HOW I MADE A RAISE—A RETURN TO THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE—PEDDLING WITH A HORSE AND WAGON—MEETING AN OLD FRIEND—MISERY LIKES COMPANY—WE HUS'LE TOGETHER—PERFORMING A SURGICAL OPERATION—A PUGILISTIC ENCOUNTER—OUR WILD-WEST STORIES—BROKE AGAIN—A HARD CUSTOMER—ANOTHER RAISE.
I kept up my plan of engaging with merchants to sell out their accumulated hard stocks, and never lost an opportunity to put in my spare time selling polish. I was determined that old Jack Frost should not catch me again with my summer clothes on and no coal in the bin; and when winter came, my family and myself were well provided for. We had plenty of coal and wood, a cellar well filled with all kinds of winter vegetables, a half barrel of corned beef, a barrel of flour, a tub of butter, and I was still "hus'ling." Snow storms could not be severe enough to keep me from peddling; and although I called on many ladies who plainly showed their disgust at me for tracking the snow over their carpets, I knew I was working for a good cause, and that they had only to see to be convinced.
I was obliged to spend considerable money for additional furniture for housekeeping and the general comforts of life; and when spring came again I was a little short financially, but determined, now that my family were comfortably situated, to make an earnest effort to procure a stock of auction goods for myself.
One day while canvassing with the polish, a young man wanted to trade for the recipe so he could travel with it. I soon struck a deal with him and received seventeen dollars in cash and an old shot-gun. I laid the money away carefully, thinking I would try and sell the gun and have that much towards a stock of goods. I did not succeed, however, in making this sale, and so took it home with me.
One day as I was walking down town I met two men leading a poor, old, bony horse out of town and carrying a gun.
I learned from their conversation that they were going to kill the old nag. I asked the reason and they said he was so old he couldn't eat and was starving to death. I examined his mouth and found his front teeth were so very long that when the mouth was closed there was a considerable space between the back teeth, which of course, would prevent him from grinding the feed.
I inquired of the owner if he also owned a wagon or harness. He said he did. I next asked what he would take for the whole rig, horse, harness and wagon.
He wanted twenty-five dollars. I told him about my shot-gun and offered to trade with him. He accompanied me to my house and I very quickly closed a trade, receiving the whole outfit for the gun.
