"BY GRACIOUS, I'M JUST IN TIME, FOR ONCE."
"Yes, you are," said the gentleman, as he was about to take his seat at the table. "Take that seat right over there," pointing to the opposite side of the table.
I thanked him and accepted his kind invitation. After supper I showed them my preparation, which pleased them much.
His wife asked the price. I told her fifty cents, and said:
"I want to allow you half that amount for my supper, therefore you will owe me but twenty-five cents."
She paid me, and I started on, much elated with my success, and convinced that the old fortune-teller knew her business, as the supper part had already come true.
I called at every house until too dark to operate, making a sale at nearly every one.
I walked on to Fremont, reaching there in time for the seven-thirty train bound west.
After buying a ticket for Lindsay, I had three dollars and fifty cents in cash, and plenty of stock on hand.
I remained there over night, and am almost certain there wasn't a housekeeper in that burgh who didn't get a bottle of my polish the next day.
After finishing the town, I learned that the westbound train was not due for an hour. As life was short, business brisk and time valuable, I started out on foot, walking to the next town, (meeting with fair success), where I took the train for Adrian, Michigan, arriving there the next day. A very impressive fact, to me, connected with this particular trip, was my traveling over five miles of road, peddling furniture polish at twenty-five and fifty cents per bottle, that a few weeks before I had driven over with the horse and buggy, and several hundred dollars in my pocket, during our patent-right experience.
Before leaving the subject of Patent Rights, I want to say a few words for the benefit of those who may be inclined to speculate in them. Although the selling of territory or State and County rights may be considered legitimate, it is by no means a suitable business for a reputable person to follow. The deeding of territory in a Patent Right is about equivalent to giving a deed to so much blue sky. At least, the purchaser usually realizes as much from the former as he would from the latter.
Those who invest in Patent Rights invariably do so at a time when their imagination is aroused to a point where all is sunshine and brightness.
But as soon as their ardor cools off their energies become dormant, and by the time they are ready to commence business they are as unfit to do so as they were visionary in making the purchase.
An invention of merit will never be sold by County or State rights. There are any number of capitalists ready and willing to invest in the manufacture of an invention of practical use. In such cases any territory would be considered too valuable to dispose of.
Hence it should be borne in mind that, as a rule, to invest in specified territory is to purchase an absolutely worthless invention.
The man who consummates the sale will seldom have the satisfaction of realizing that he has given value received.
And without giving value received, under all circumstances, (whether in Patent Rights or any other business), no man need look for or expect success.
As experience is a dear teacher, let the inexperienced take heed from one who knows, and give all business of this character a wide berth.
Upon reaching Adrian, I discarded the carpet-bag and bought a small valise, with which I at once began business; and that night prepared more stock for the next day.
I commenced by taking the most aristocratic portion of the city, canvassing every street and number systematically, with good success.
One day, after I had succeeded in making enough money to buy a baby carriage, which I forwarded to my wife, and had a few dollars left, I was arrested for selling from house to house without a license. I explained to the officer that I hadn't the slightest idea that I was obliged to have one. He said I must go before the city magistrate, and demanded that I should accompany him, which I did.
The old wolf lectured me as if I had been a regular boodler, and then imposed a fine which exceeded the amount in my possession by about three dollars.
I asked what the penalty would be if I didn't pay.
He said I would have to go to jail.
"Well," said I, "I haven't money enough to pay my fine, and guess you might as well lock me up for the whole thing as a part of it."
In answer to the query "how much cash I had," I laid it all on his desk; and as he counted and raked it in, he said:
"Very well, I will suspend your sentence."
I then asked if I could have the privilege of selling the balance of the day, so as to take in money enough to get out of town with.
He said I could.
I invoiced my stock in trade and found I had just thirteen bottles of polish on hand, and immediately went to work.
The second house at which I called was a new and unfinished one, and I was obliged to enter from the back way. I found three or four very polite and pleasant ladies, to whom I showed my polish,—without effecting a sale, however.
When ready to leave the house I noticed three doors in a row, exactly alike. I was certain that the middle one was the one through which I had entered. Accordingly, facing the ladies and politely thanking them for their kind attention, and when just about saying good-bye, I opened the door and stepped back to close it after me, when I heard one of the ladies scream at the top of her voice.
It was too late.
I had disappeared—gone out of sight—where, I didn't know. But I realized when I struck that I had alighted full weight on my valise of furniture polish. It was total darkness, and I heard voices saying:
"What a pity! What a shame! Do send for some one."
Then the outside cellar door opened, letting in daylight as well as a little light on the situation.
The lady of the house had quickly come to my rescue by this entrance.
She hastily explained that the house was unfinished, and that they had not yet put stairs in their cellar-way, from the inside.
I thanked her for the kind information, but reminded her that it was unnecessary to explain, as I fully comprehended the situation.
I then picked up a shovel standing by, and after digging a deep hole in the very spot where I had struck in a sitting posture, I emptied the broken bottles and polish into it. After covering it up, and shaping and rounding the top dirt like a grave, I said to the ladies, as they stood by watching the proceedings:
"Not dead, but busted. Here lie the remains of my last fortune. If you wish to erect a monument to the memory of this particular incident you have my consent to do so. Good day, ladies, good day."
With my empty valise I then returned to Mr. Hart's drug store, where I had previously bought my stock, and at once ordered a small lot put up, to be ready the next morning.
From there I went to the hotel, and in conversation with a scholarly looking gentleman, learned that he was a lawyer. I told him of my arrest, and the reasons assigned for it, when he informed me that no town in the United States had any legal right to exact a license from me if I manufactured my own goods.
I then decided to remain there as long as I could do well. The lawyer said if I would do so he would defend me gratuitously if I were molested again.
I thanked him, and said:
"My dear sir, it is very kind of you to offer your services should I need them—very kind indeed; and as one good turn deserves another, suppose you loan me two dollars to pay the druggist for my stock in trade?"
"Certainly, sir, certainly. Glad to do so," he answered, as he handed me a two-dollar bill.
He then asked me to "take something."
"No, thank you; I never drink."
"Well, take a cigar won't you?"
"I never smoke, either," I answered.
"The devil you don't! Well, this certainly isn't your first experience in business, is it?" was his next query.
"Hardly; but why should a man drink or smoke just because he may have been in business for some time?"
"True enough," said he, "and had I always let drink alone I could have been a rich man; and I'll never take another drop."
"I hope you won't," I replied.
He then stepped forward, and taking me by the hand, said:
"Young man, I can't remember of ever before asking a man to drink with me who abruptly refused; and I consider yours an exceptionally rare case, considering that I had just done you a favor, and would hardly expect you to refuse. Now, sir, although you are a much younger man than I am, your conduct in this particular instance will do me a world of good; and although you are not worth a single dollar to-day, if you will always refrain from drinking, keep your head level and attend to business, you will be a rich man some day. Now, remember what I tell you."
I told him if I met with the same success in the future as in the past, I felt certain of the need of a level head to manage my business.
He assured me that no matter what the past had been,—the more rocky it had been, the smoother the future would be.
I worked in Adrian about two weeks, meeting with splendid success, which of course enabled me to return the two dollars to my newly-made friend. From there I went to Hillsdale, and at a drug store kept by French & Son, I bought the ingredients for the manufacture of my polish.
It was my custom to take down the names of every housekeeper who patronized me, and read them to the next person I called upon.
When I started out in the morning, on my first day's work, Mr. French's son laughed at me, and said he guessed I wouldn't sell much of my dope in that town.
On returning to the store at noon he inquired with considerable interest how business was.
I reported the sale of over a dozen bottles,—small ones at fifty cents and large ones at one dollar. He seemed to doubt my word, and asked to see my list of names. I read them to him, and as we came to the name of Mrs. French he threw up both hands and said:
"I'll bet you never sold her a bottle. Why, she is my mother!"
"No matter if she is your grandmother; I sold her one of the dollar bottles."
He cried out:
"Great Heavens! father, come here and see what this man has done. He has sold mother a four-ounce bottle of dope for a dollar, that he buys from us by the gallon!"
Mr. French, Sr. said he guessed there must be some mistake about that. I assured him it was true.
Then the young man suddenly exclaimed:
"See here, I wish you would go to my house and see if you can sell my wife a bottle. She always prides herself on getting rid of agents."
"Well, I wonder if your mother doesn't think she can 'fire them out' pretty well, too?" inquired the father.
"Yes, but I'll bet he can't sell to my wife," ejaculated the young man.
"Tell me where you live."
He pointed out the house, and said he would not go to dinner till I reported.
I made the call, and returned in about thirty minutes with two dollars of his wife's money. She had taken one bottle for herself and one for her mother-in-law, Mrs. French.
This greatly pleased both the young man and his father; and the latter said it was worth ten times the price to them, as they would now have a case to present to their wives that would ever after cure them of patronizing agents.
I assured them that their wives had actually purchased an article superior to anything they could produce. They said it didn't matter—it had all come from their store, if they didn't know how to make it.
CHAPTER XIX.
MY CO-PARTNERSHIP WITH A CLAIRVOYANT DOCTOR—OUR LIVELY TRIP FROM YPSILANTI TO PONTIAC, MICHIGAN—POOR SUCCESS—THE DOCTOR AND HIS IRISH PATIENT—MY PRESCRIPTION FOR THE DEAF WOMAN—COLLAPSED, AND IN DEBT FOR BOARD.
I remained at this town about a fortnight, when I received a letter from an old acquaintance then in Toledo, Ohio, but who had formerly practiced medicine in Bronson, Michigan.
He urged me to join him at once, to take an interest in the most gigantic scheme ever conceived.
The Doctor was a veritable Colonel Sellers.
His hair and moustache were snowy white.
He wore a pair of gold spectacles, and carried a gold-headed cane; and altogether, was quite a distinguished-looking individual.
He was of a nervous temperament—quick in action and speech; and would swear like a pirate, and spin around like a jumping-jack when agitated in the least.
I took the first train for Toledo, and was soon ushered into the Doctor's private room at the hotel. Without any preliminaries he said to me:
"Well sir, Johnston, I'm a Clairvoyant—a Clairvoyant, sir. By laying my hands on the table, in this manner, I can tell a lady just how old she is, how long she has been married, how many children she has, and if she is ailing I can tell just what her complaint is, and how long she has been sick, and all about her."
"Can't you tell as much about a man as you can about a woman?"
"Well, —— it, I s'pose I can, all but the children part of it."
He wanted me to act as his agent, and I should have half the profits.
We decided to go through Michigan. I wrote up a circular, and sent a notice to a couple of towns to be printed in their local papers.
The Doctor said he would pay all expenses till we got started; consequently I sent what money I had to my wife.
We visited several towns, meeting with no success and constantly running behind—principally on account of the Doctor's lack of proficiency as a Clairvoyant.
I was anxious to return to my furniture polish, but the Doctor would have nothing of the kind. He declared himself a gentleman of too much refinement and dignity to allow a man in his company to descend to peddling from house to house.
I concluded to stay with him till his money gave out.
At Ypsilanti our business, as usual, was a total failure. The Doctor said he knew of a town where we would be sure to meet with the grandest success. The name of the town was Pontiac.
I at once sent notices to the papers there, and some circulars to the landlord of one of the hotels, announcing the early arrival of the celebrated Clairvoyant physician, Doctor ——.
The Doctor was so very sanguine of success in this particular town, that we built our hopes on making a small fortune in a very short time. Consequently we talked about it a great deal.
Whenever it became necessary to speak of Pontiac, I found it almost impossible to remember the name; but the name Pocahontas would invariably come to my mind in its stead.
This caused me so much annoyance that I proposed to the doctor that we call it thus. This he agreed to, and thereafter Pontiac was dead to us, and Pocahontas arose from its ashes. We very soon became so accustomed to the change as to be unable to think of the right name when necessary to do so.
When we were ready to leave Ypsilanti we walked to the depot, not, of course, because it expensive to ride, but just for exercise, "you know."
On our way, the Doctor happened to think that we must leave orders at the post office to have our mail forwarded.
I accompanied him there. He stepped up to the delivery window and said:
"My name is Doctor ——. If any mail comes for me here, please forward it to Pocahontas."
"Pocahontas?" the clerk queried.
"Yes sir, Pocahontas, Michigan."
"I guess you're mistaken, Doctor,—at least I——"
"Not by a dang sight! I guess I know where I am going," was the Doctor's answer.
I began laughing, and started to leave, when the Doctor saw his blunder and said, excitedly:
"No, no! My mistake; my mistake, Mr. clerk. I mean—I mean—dang it!—Dod blast it! what do I mean?—Where am I going? Where the devil is it? Why you know, don't you? Dang it! where is it? Johnston, you devilish fool! come and tell this man the name of that cussed town. Why it's Poca—no, no; here, Johnston, I knew you would make consummate fools of us. I knew it all the time."
By this time several people had gathered about, and were interested listeners, while the clerk gazed through the window with a look of sympathy for the man he no doubt thought insane.
I couldn't, to save me, think of the right name, and immediately started towards the depot, leaving the Doctor to settle the mail matter.
Directly he came tearing down the street, up to where I stood.
I was laughing immoderately at his blunder. He threw down his old valise, and said:
"You are a —— smart man, you are! Just see what a cussed fool you made of yourself and——"
"Well," I interrupted, "never mind me, Doctor, how did it happen that you didn't make a fool of yourself?"
"I did; I did, sir, until I explained what an infernal fool you were."
"Did you finally think of the right name?"
"Think of it? No! Of course I didn't think of it, you idiot. I have no idea of ever getting it right again."
We had to go to Detroit, and there change cars for our destination. On our way there the Doctor took matters very seriously, and said I was just one of that kind that was always doing something to make an everlasting fool of myself and every one else.
When we arrived at Detroit he handed me the money for our fare.
We walked to the ticket office, and I laid down the money and said: "Two tickets to Pocahontas."
"Poca—what?" said the agent, "Where in the deuce is that?"
I turned to the Doctor and said:
"Great Heavens! Where are we going? Tell me the name."
"Oh, you cussed fool, you ought to be dumped into the Detroit River! See what you have done!"
At this he began to prance around, tearing backwards and forwards and swearing at the top of his voice, calling me all manner of names, and at last said to the agent:
"We are both infernal fools, and don't know where we are going; but no one is to blame but that idiot over there," pointing to me.
I then said to the people gathered around, looking on with a mixture of surprise and curiosity:
"Gentlemen, we are on our way to some town with an Indian name."
One man suggested Ypsilanti.
"Oh, Ypsilanti!" the Doctor shrieked. "That's where we came from."
Another said Pontiac.
"There, there, that's it!" the Doctor cried. "Now buy your tickets, and let's go aboard the train before we get locked up!"
I secured the tickets, making sure that they read Pontiac, and we boarded the train.
The Doctor took a seat by himself, and while sitting there, looked at me over his spectacles, with his plug hat on the back of his head, and his chin resting on his cane. He continued to make the atmosphere blue, in a quiet way, and repeatedly referred to the fact that we must certainly have appeared like two very brilliant traveling men.
I was beginning to feel that I had caused considerable trouble and humiliation.
Suddenly the Doctor jumped to his feet, and starting from the car on a run, cried out:
"Good ——! I haven't re-checked my trunk."
I ran after him. He made a bee line for the baggage room, and rushing up to the counter, threw down his check and yelled:
"For ——'s sake, hurry up and re-check my trunk before the train leaves."
"Where to?" asked the baggage-man.
"To Pocahontas!" screamed the Doctor.
"Poca-the-devil!" said the agent.
Then began a genuine circus. Neither of us could think of the right name, and the train was to leave in less than three minutes.
The Doctor began to hop up and down, swearing like a trooper, swinging his cane and looking at me, and cried out at the very top of his voice:
"Tell the man where we're going, you idiotic fool! You're to blame, and you ought to have your infernal neck broken. Why don't you tell the man? Tell him—tell him, you idiot! Great ——! if that train leaves us, I'll——"
The threat was interrupted by the baggage-man putting his head through the window and saying:
"There's an Insane Asylum being built at Pontiac. Perhaps that's where—"
"That's the place—that's where we want to go. Check 'er, check 'er, check 'er quick!" the Doctor yelled. Then turning to me said:
"There! you infernal fool, now I hope you feel satisfied," and in a low tone said:
"Look at this crowd of people you have attracted here."
"Well, what's the difference? They'll think I am taking you to the Insane Asylum, so that lets us out."
"The devil they will! They'll think it's you that's crazy. Didn't I tell them you were a fool?"
The trunk was put on none too soon, and the Doctor continued to abuse me to his heart's content during nearly the whole distance.
I was too much pleased to do anything but laugh; and what made it more ridiculous to me, was that the Doctor could see nothing funny about it, and never cracked a smile. He kept harping on the undignified position it had placed him in. I remained quiet, and let him cuss, till at last he quieted down. A few moments later the conductor passed through the car, and the Doctor, looking up over his spectacles, said:
"Conductor, aren't we almost to Pocahantas?"
"Almost where?"
"I mean—I mean, well dang it! never mind, never mind," he stammered.
At this, he jumped to his feet, starting for the front car, turned and looked at me, and while shaking his cane, yelled as he passed out:
"Laugh! you infernal fool, laugh!" And the door slammed.
On arriving at Pontiac, just as the train was stopping I looked into the front car and saw the Doctor rising from his seat. I opened the door, and changing the tone of my voice, sang out, "Pocahontas!" and dodged back into the car and took my seat.
The Doctor came out onto the platform, and looking in, saw me sitting there, apparently asleep.
He opened the door and said:
"Come on, Johnston; we are at Poca—come on—come on, you dang fool; don't you know where we are?"
I jumped to my feet and went out sleepily, rubbing my eyes, and told him I was glad he woke me up.
"Yes, I should think you would be; but I was a fool that I didn't let you stay there. The devil knows where you would have landed."
I suggested that I might have brought up at Pocahontas.
"Great Heavens! don't mention that name to me again."
After registering at the hotel and settling in a room we began discussing our prospects. But in a few minutes the Doctor said:
"Johnston, we have simply raised the devil."
"How so?"
"Why, do you know, the whole dang Railroad company have got to calling this town Pocahontas!"
"I guess not."
"But, by the Eternal Gods! I know it is so. When our train stopped at the depot, the brake-man opened the door and yelled, 'Pocahontas!' at the top of his voice."
"O, thunder! Doctor; you have been so excited all night that you couldn't tell what he called."
"I couldn't?" he thundered out. "Don't you s'pose I could tell the difference between Pocahontas and—and—well, Johnston, you cussed fool, I'll never be able to call this infernal town by its right name again. I am going to retire."
We remained at that hotel but one day, not being able to make satisfactory rates, besides being dunned for our board in advance.
We then called on an elderly widow lady who was running a fourth-class hotel. She seemed favorably impressed with the Doctor, which fact made us feel quite comfortable, for the time being.
I "hus'led" out with a lot of hand-bills, which I scattered over the town, and returned to the hotel to await results.
The first afternoon there came a middle-aged Irish woman to consult the doctor while in a Clairvoyant state. He seated her opposite himself, put his hands on the table, looked wise, and began:
"Madam you have been married several years, and have three children. You are forty-six years of age, have been afflicted several years, and have a cancer in the stomach. It will cost you twenty dollars for medicine enough to last you——"
"To last me a life-time, I s'pose," she cried out, and continued: "Docther, me dear old man, you're an old jackass! a hombug, a hypocrite and an imposcher! Sure, I niver had a married husband, and a divil of a choild am I the mither of. I am liss than thirty-foive, and a healthier, more robust picture of humanity niver stood before your domm miserable gaze! The cancer in me stomick is no more nor liss than a pain in me left shoulder, which any domn fool of a docther wud know was the rheumatics. To the divil wid yer domned impostorousness and highfalutin hombuggery! Good day, Docther, darlint; good day. May the divil transmogrify you into a less pretentious individual, wid more brains and a domm sight less impecuniosity!"
