MADAM, THE DRUM OF YOUR RIGHT EAR IS ALMOST ENTIRELY DESTROYED.—PAGE 297.
"Well, Doctor, I think you know your business, for I certainly can scarcely hear with my right ear. How much will it cost?"
"Ten dollars."
"Well, I don't want to pay out so much now, as I have already been to so much expense with it."
"Well, you pay me five dollars, and owe me the balance, to be paid on condition that I help you."
She agreed to this, and handed me that amount. I was at a loss to know what to give her, and in a constant fear that the Doctor would make his appearance and spoil it all.
I excused myself, and stepping back to the "laboratory," began searching for something. At last I happened to think of a French moustache wax I had in one of my pockets, with which to train my young and struggling moustache. I quickly brought forth the box, soaked the paper label, and after removing it, smoothed the top of the pomade nicely over, wrapped it in paper, and gave it to her with directions for use; and invited her to call again and let me know how she got along. (As I recall this experience, my only cause for self-congratulation is, that what I gave her would do her no harm, if it did no good.)
She had no sooner made her exit than the Doctor "bobbed up serenely." I explained to him how I had manipulated things, and showed him my five dollars.
He began to rip and tear and swear, and declared he would dissolve partnership with me.
He said I would ruin his reputation, and get us both in jail.
I said: "Well, Doctor, I of course wouldn't want either of your patients, the Irish or Dutch woman, to hear of this, but——"
"Never mind, never mind about my patients. You take care of your own, and I'll do the same."
"Oh, thunder! all that ails you is that you are jealous because I am doing more business than you are."
"Holy Moses!" he quickly replied, flying into another rage, "you think now, you know more than all the profession, don't you?"
"Well, I feel that I have something to be proud of. We have been out nearly three weeks, and I have taken the only money that we have received."
He then wanted to know if I didn't expect to turn the five dollars into the business. I told him I did, but thought it a good idea for us to get out some special circulars advertising myself, and see if we couldn't raise a few dollars.
This was too much for the Doctor, and he went off "like shot out of a gun." He declared me a perfect ass. I said further:
"But, Doctor, I think I am superior to you in one respect."
"In what?"
"Well, I have more brains than impecuniosity, anyhow."
This was the signal for another stampede.
We remained there several days, and finally became completely stranded.
The Doctor worried, fretted, stormed, fumed, and declared I was to blame for the whole cussed thing.
I then, began to talk about going out "hus'ling" again.
"Oh, yes; it's well enough for you to talk. You can 'hus'le,' but what can I do? I'd look nice running around peddling your cussed old dope, wouldn't I?"
I remarked that I thought he would do well among the Dutch and Irish, if he didn't use too much impecuniosity, and would learn to take their money when they offered it.
He said I hadn't the sense of a young gosling, and if I didn't quit twitting him of those things, he would pack up and leave, if he had to walk out of town. I said to him:
"Well, Doctor, if you do start out on foot, I'd advise you to take a few bottles of my Incomprehensible Compound, double-distilled furniture and piano lustre."
He gazed at me over his spectacles with a sickly smile, then jumping to his feet, began his customary tirade, and pranced back and forth like a caged animal.
CHAPTER XX.
ENGAGED TO MANAGE THE HOTEL—THE DOCTOR MY STAR BOARDER—DISCHARGING ALL THE HELP—HIRING THEM OVER AGAIN—THE DOCTOR AS TABLE WAITER—THE LANDLADY AND THE DOCTOR COLLIDE—THE ARRIVAL OF TWO HUS'LERS—HOW I MANAGED THEM—THE LANDLADY GOES VISITING—I RE-MODELED THE HOUSE—MY CHAMBERMAID ELOPES—HIRING A DUTCHMAN TO TAKE HER PLACE—DUTCHY IN DISGUISE—I FOOLED THE DOCTOR—DUTCHY AND THE IRISH SHOEMAKER.
We held frequent consultations, and discussed the situation with a feeling that our prospects were not the brightest. I again ventured to suggest that I ought to get out and "hus'le," as winter would soon be upon us, and my family would need money.
This threw him into a frenzy at once, and he reminded me that to leave him there in that predicament would be a violation of faith and true business principles. He seemed determined that we should live or die together.
One day I said to him:
"Doctor, the old landlady ought to have some one to manage her business, and——"
"Well," he quickly answered, "I'd make a devilish fine appearance trying to run this dizzy old house, wouldn't I?"
"No, but why couldn't I run it, and you be my 'star' boarder?"
"Well, that'll do, that'll do; that's different, quite different."
"You know, Doctor," said I, "we are in debt for board, and whatever we undertake must be done with much care and precision. Now, you go to the old landlady and tell her I am a practical hotel man, and the most trustworthy, energetic, economical and pushing sort of fellow you ever knew; and that she ought to hire me to take full charge of the house."
This idea pleased him mightily, and he said he believed he could fix it, and would try.
"Yes, I believe you can, if it can be done, for I know the old lady is a little bit gone on you, any how. I remember of seeing you and her in the up-stairs hall, the other day, talking in a way that showed pretty plainly how things stand."
"Well there!" he screamed, "that's the latest. Now you'll have something else to harp on, you young scapegrace, and without the slightest foundation for it. Do you think I am a fool? Do you think I'd recommend you to that old lady, when you are on the verge of scandalizing both her and myself? Not much—not much, sir; and I'll sue you for slander if you ever hint such a thing; and I'll get judgment, too, and——"
"Yes," I interrupted, "and I suppose you would attach my dozen bottles of Incomprehensible Compound to satisfy the judgment."
I then convinced him that I was only joking. Shortly afterwards he called on the old lady, and did as I requested.
She called me into the sitting-room and asked how I thought I would like to take charge of her house.
I told her I would take the position provided I could have full charge of everything, the same as if I owned the house.
She said that was just what she would like, and inquired what salary I wanted. I told her one hundred dollars per month, and board for family. She offered me seventy-five, and agreed to sign papers.
I accepted, and the next morning took possession.
My first move was to call the help all together and promptly discharge them. The old lady came running down stairs, as soon as she heard of this, and demanded an explanation.
I reminded her that I was landlord, and that if she would retire to her room and remain there quietly, all would come out right. The Doctor said I knew less about running a hotel than I did about medicine, or I never would have done such a trick as that.
I waited till the discharged help were ready to leave, and had called at the office for their pay, when I began a compromise, and succeeded in hiring all over again except two dining-room girls, at less than their regular wages. But I promised an increase to those who took an interest and worked for an advancement.
The Doctor was elated with the prospects, and fairly danced with delight.
"And now, Johnston, for some of those cream biscuit you have told us about. Now you have a chance to see how it is yourself, to be landlord."
The second day of my experience, we had about forty extra come to dinner—men in attendance at a Convention. I was short of help in the dining room, and also short of prepared victuals.
I immediately visited the Doctor in his apartment, explained the situation, and asked why he couldn't come into the dining room and help wait on table. He protested against it, but I gave him to understand that it was a case of absolute necessity.
He swore a few oaths, and said it showed how much sense I had, to discharge my help the first thing.
As an incentive for him to act, I ventured the remark that the landlady was going to help, and would like him to do so if he could.
"Is she going to help? Well, then, all right. I'll help you out this one time, but never again."
I took him to the dining room, and after he took his coat off, put a large white apron on him and gave him a few instructions. We had five kinds of meat, and I posted him thoroughly as to what he should say to the guests.
Directly I called dinner, and the tables were soon filled.
The Doctor watched from the kitchen for the cue from me to make a start. When I gave it he entered in his shirt-sleeves, with the large apron on, carrying an immense tray in one hand and his gold-headed cane in the other, and had forgotten to take his plug hat off. It was setting on the back of his head, and his appearance was grotesque in the extreme.
He gave me a look of disgust as he marched in, and faltered for a moment, as though not quite certain where to commence. Then he made another start, and stepping up to the nearest man, rested the tray on the back of his chair, and stood partially leaning on his cane; and looking over his glasses, said:
"Roast beef, roast mutton, roast—well, roast mutton, roast meat, roast— —— it! we have twenty-one different kinds of meat. What'll you have?"
By this time I had been forced to leave the room for laughter, returning as soon as I could command myself. The Doctor was up to his ears in business. Perspiring profusely, and much excited, he still hung to his cane and plug hat. He was absolutely the most comical sight I had ever witnessed.
When I met the Doctor at the kitchen door, with the tray piled up with several orders, he took time to say:
"—— it! I thought you said the landlady was going to help."
For fear he would quit, I ran to the stair-way and called her. She came down, and I explained as quickly as possible, and she said she would help; and putting on an apron, began work immediately.
We had Lima beans for dinner, and being a little short on them, were obliged to dish them out in small quantities. The Doctor served one man who, with one swoop, took into his mouth all he had, in one spoonful, and immediately handed his dish back to the Doctor, saying:
"Here, waiter, bring me another bean!"
