A GREAT MAN IN DISTRESS.
A personage, who described himself as "General Sarsfield Lucan, Viscount Kilmallock in Ireland, a peer of France, and a descendant of Charlemagne," presented himself before the magistrates to solicit a few shillings to enable him to proceed on important business to Wexford.
General Sarsfield Lucan wore an old brown surtout, with the collar turned up behind to keep his neck warm, and a scrap of dirty white ribbon fastened to one of the button-holes; a black velvet waistcoat, powdered with tarnished silver fleurs-de-lis, and an ancient well-worn chapeau bras, surmounted with a fringe of black feathers. He carried under his arm a large roll of writings, and all his pockets were stuffed with tin cases, pocket-books, and bundles of papers: his "fell of hair" was ruefully matted; an enormous tawny whisker covered either cheek and his upper lip and chin,—which, for want of shaving, "showed like a stubble-field at harvest home,"—was all begrimed with real Scotch.
He said he was a native of Wexford in Ireland, and had spent the last seven years in Paris, where his cousin, Louis XVIII., nominated him a peer, and gave him a decoration (the bit of white ribbon above mentioned); but his instalment had been postponed by the then recent change in the ministry; his cousin (Louis XVIII.) assuring him, that as soon as his present ministers were kicked out, he should come in. In the meantime his father had died, and willed him certain lands and houses in Wexford; whereupon he wrote to his sisters, who were resident there, to desire them to send him the proceeds of his estates forthwith; but instead of so doing, they had themselves administered to the will, and were dissipating his patrimony. Under these circumstances, his cousin, the king, advised him to set out immediately for Ireland, and seek redress in person. "Journeying with this intent," he landed at Dover a few days before, but on reaching London he found his finances exhausted, and he was now driven to the unpleasant necessity of applying to their worships for a few shillings, to enable him to proceed.
Sir R. Birnie said, he wondered his royal cousin had not furnished him with the means of prosecuting his journey.
"Sir! I scorned to trouble him at all on such a palthry subject as money," replied the general, with some warmth; and he then went on to state, that in order to satisfy his coach-hire from Dover to London, he had been necessitated to give up possession of his working tools.
"Your working tools!" said the magistrate; "and pray may I ask what trade your lordship follows?"
"No trade in the world at all," replied the general; "I am not the person to be after following trades.—The tools I am spaking about are what I used in some of the greatest inventions the world ever saw. I invented a happaratus for extracting stone and gravel from the blather, without any operation at all. I invented a machine for fishing up vessels foundered at sea, as aisy as fishing up an oyster; and I invented another machine for making accouchement the most aisy thing in existence—a mere fla-bite to the most tender lady imaginable! And it was partly these inventions, indeed, that brought me to this country now—because I did not choose to be giving foreigners the benefit of them."
"Pray, Sir," said Mr. Minshull, "will you give me leave to ask whether you were ever confined?"
The General—"Confined! for what would I be confined?"
Mr. Minshull—"If you do not understand the nature of my question, I am sorry I put it; but it certainly appeared to me possible that——"
The General—"Sir, you appear to me to be after taalking in a very queer kind of a way to a jontleman! You ought to know what is due to a respectable and graat man, even though he is in distress."
Mr. Minshull—"Well, Sir, I will speak as plainly to you as you do to me. It is my opinion, and the opinion, I believe, of every person present, that you are out of your mind; and that if you have never been confined, it is high time you were so."
The General angrily declared he was altogether mens sana in corpore sano; and professed himself astonished that any body should entertain a contrary opinion; then taking from his side-pocket a round tin case, nearly as large as a demi-culverin, he offered to produce from it documents to show that he was really the important personage he professed himself to be.
The magistrates, however, had no faith in the matter; they told him it might be all very true, but they had no funds to assist him with; and, as he appeared very incredulous on this subject, they at length ordered him to withdraw upon pain of being committed to prison under the Vagrant Act.
This was an awful alternative, which the gallant "General" did not think proper to risk; so gathering up his patents and papers, he put his feather-fringed chapeau upon his head, and taking an ample pinch of snuff—so ample, indeed, that it rushed through his olfactory labyrinth with the noise of a mighty cataract—he stalked majestically out of the office, muttering anathemas as he went.