MR. HUMPHREY BRUMMEL AND TERENCE O'CONNOR.
Mr. Humphrey Brummel, a tall, gaunt old gentleman, of pedagogue-ish exterior, with each particular hair standing on end, like quills upon the fretful porcupine, was charged by Mr. Terence O'Connor, a Covent-garden watchman, with having been extramely disorderly under the pehazies (piazzas) during the night.
The magistrate inquired as to the nature of his disorderliness, and Mr. Terence O'Connor explained it to be—"spaching to the lads, and frullishing his stick about like a merry Andrew." It also appeared that he continued these eccentricities from midnight till four in the morning, "clane contrary to all sorts of dacency;" and therefore Mr. Terence O'Connor lodged him in the watch-house.
Mr. Humphrey Brummel in his defence said, he took shelter under the Piazza from the inclemency of the weather: and it was very possible that, whilst there, he might have endeavoured to cheer the loneliness of the hour by an audible repetition of some appropriate passages from the poets. But he was totally unconscious of offence, and he solemnly declared that instead of "spaching to the lads," he stationed himself in a door-way far apart from every living soul; and had not Mr. Terence O'Connor been so over officious, he should have gone quietly to his bed, and his worship would not have been put to the pain of listening to such a frivolous charge.
"An' please your worship," exclaimed Mr. Terence O'Connor, "he says he's got a nact of Parlyment in his pocket, what'll lay me by the heels, an' I hope your worship will make him prove his words!"
"I will do my best," replied his worship, smiling, and at the same time asking Mr. Brummel what Act of Parliament he alluded to.
"Lord love you, sir," replied the tall old man, "I never alluded to any Act of Parliament; but I did threaten to report him to your worship for sleeping on his post."
"Is it true, O'Connor, that you really do sleep whilst on duty?" asked his worship.
"Ounly that time I got no sleep in the day," replied the night guardian, blushing as intensely as a fresh-washed Munster potato.
"You are both fool and knave, Mr. O'Connor," observed his worship—"a knave for sleeping when you are paid to keep awake, and a fool for wantonly bringing this complaint against yourself."
Mr. Humphrey Brummel was then discharged without a fee; and Mr. Terence O'Connor was dismissed with an assurance that his watching should be watched in future, and that he should be suspended if caught napping.