COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE CUSTOMS.
§ 80. Age of puberty and marriage.—It is now customary for girls to be married at the age of fifteen, sixteen, or seventeen years among the Omahas, and in the Ponka tribe they generally take husbands as soon as they enter their fifteenth year. It was not so formerly; men waited till they were twenty-five or thirty, and the women till they were twenty years of age. Then, when a consort was spoken of they used to refer the matter to their friends, who discussed the characters of the parties, and advised accordingly, as they proved good (i. e., industrious and good-tempered, and having good kindred) or bad. Sometimes an Omaha girl is married at the age of fourteen or fifteen; but in such a case her husband waits about a year for the consummation of the marriage. When a girl matures rapidly she is generally married when she is sixteen; but those who are slow to mature marry when they reach seventeen. (See § [97].)
Dougherty states (in Long's Expedition to the Rocky Mountains, vol. 1, p. 230) that "In the Omawhaw nation numbers of females are betrothed in marriage from their infancy. * * * Between the ages of nine and twelve years the young wife is occasionally an invited visitant at the lodge of her husband, in order that she may become familiarized with his company and his bed." But such is not the case among the Omahas according to La Flèche and Two Crows, who say that Dougherty referred to a Kansas custom.
§ 81. Courtship.—The men court the women either directly or by proxy. The women used to weigh the matter well, but now they hasten to marry any man that they can get. Sometimes the girl told her kindred and obtained their advice. Parents do not force their daughters to marry against their will. Sometimes a girl refuses to marry the man, and the parents cannot compel her to take him. All that they can do is to give her advice: "Here is a good young man. We desire you to marry him." Or they may say to the people, "We have a single daughter, and it is our wish to get her married." Then the men go to court her. Should the parents think that the suitor is not apt to make her a good husband they return his presents. Suitors may curry favor with parents and kindred of the girl by making presents to them, but parents do not sell their daughters. The presents made for such a purpose are generally given by some old man who wishes to get a very young girl whom he is doubtful of winning. When a man courts the girl directly this is unnecessary. Then he gives what he pleases to her kindred, and sometimes they make presents to him.
When men reach the age of forty years without having courted any one the women generally dislike them, and refuse to listen to them. The only exception is when the suitor is beneficent. Such a man gets his father to call four old men, by whom he sends four horses to the lodge of the girl's father. If the latter consents and the girl be willing he consults his kindred, and sends his daughter, with four horses from his own herd, to the lodge of the suitor's father. The latter often calls a feast, to which he invites the kindred of the girl, as well as those of his son. When the girl is sent away by her parents she is placed on one of the horses, which is led by an old man. There is not always a feast, and there is no regular marriage ceremony.
A man of twenty-five or thirty will court a girl for two or three years. Sometimes the girl pretends to be unwilling to marry him, just to try his love, but at last she usually consents.
Sometimes, when a youth sees a girl whom he loves, if she be willing, he says to her, "I will stand in that place. Please go thither at night." Then after her arrival he enjoys her, and subsequently asks her of her father in marriage. But it was different with a girl who had been petulant, one who had refused to listen to the suitor at first. He might be inclined to take his revenge. After lying with her, he might say, "As you struck me and hurt me, I will not marry you. Though you think much of yourself, I despise you." Then would she be sent away without winning him for her husband; and it was customary for the man to make songs about her. In these songs the woman's name was not mentioned unless she had been a "minckeda," or dissolute woman.
One day in 1872, when the writer was on the Ponka Reservation in Dakota, he noticed several young men on horseback, who were waiting for a young girl to leave the Mission house. He learned that they were her suitors, and that they intended to run a race with her after they dismounted. Whoever could catch her would marry her; but she would take care not to let the wrong one catch her. La Flèche and Two Crows maintain that this is not a regular Ponka custom, and they are sure that the girl (a widow) must have been a "minckeda."
§ 82. Marriage by elopement.—Sometimes a man elopes with a woman. Her kindred have no cause for anger if the man takes the woman as his wife. Should a man get angry because his single daughter, sister, or niece had eloped, the other Omahas would talk about him, saying, "That man is angry on account of the elopement of his daughter!" They would ridicule him for his behavior. La Flèche knew of but one case, and that a recent one, in which a man showed anger on such an occasion. But if the woman had been taken from her husband by another man her kindred had a right to be angry. Whether the woman belongs to the same tribe or to another the man can elope with her if she consents. The Omahas cannot understand how marriage by capture could take place, as the woman would be sure to alarm her people by her cries.
§ 83. Customs subsequent to marriage.—Sometimes the kindred of the husband are assembled by his father, who addresses them, saying, "My son's wife misses her old home. Collect gifts, and let her take them to her kindred." Then the husband's kindred present to the wife horses, food, etc., and the husband's mother tells her daughter-in-law to take the gifts to her parents. When the husband and wife reach the lodge of the wife's parents the father calls his daughter's kindred to a feast and distributes the presents among them. By and by, perhaps a year later, the wife's kindred may assemble and tell the husband to take presents and food to his kindred, especially if the latter be poor. This custom is now obsolescent.
§ 84. Polygamy.—The maximum number of wives that one man can have is three, e. g., the first wife, her aunt, and her sister or niece, if all be consanguinities. Sometimes the three are not kindred.[8]
When a man wishes to take a second wife he always consults his first wife, reasoning thus with her: "I wish you to have less work to do, so I think of taking your sister, your aunt, or your brother's daughter for my wife. You can then have her to aid you with your work." Should the first wife refuse the man cannot marry the other woman. Generally no objection is offered, especially if the second woman be one of the kindred of the first wife.
Sometimes the wife will make the proposition to her husband, "I wish you to marry my brother's daughter, as she and I are one flesh." Instead of "brother's daughter," she may say her sister or her aunt.
The first wife is never deposed. She always retains the right to manage household affairs, and she controls the distribution of food, etc., giving to the other wives what she thinks they should receive.
§ 85. If a man has a wife who is active and skillful at dressing hides, etc., and the other wives are lazy or unskillful, he leaves them with their parents or other kindred, and takes the former wife with him when he goes with the tribe on the buffalo hunt. Sometimes he will leave this wife a while to visit one of his other wives. But Dougherty was misinformed when he was told that the skillful wife would be apt to show her jealousy by "knocking the dog over with a club, repulsing her own child, kicking the fire about, pulling the bed, etc." (see p. 232, Vol. I, Long's Expedition to the Rocky Mountains), for when a wife is jealous she scolds or strikes her husband or else she tries to hit the other woman.
Polyandry.—The Omahas say that this has not been practiced among them, nor do the Ponkas know this custom. But the terms of kinship seem to point to an age when it was practiced.
§ 86. Permanence of marriage.—Among the Santee Dakotas, where mother-right prevails(?), a wife's mother can take her from the husband and give her to another man. Among the ₵egiha, if the husband is kind, the mother-in-law never interferes. But when the husband is unkind the wife takes herself back, saying to him, "I have had you for my husband long enough; depart." Sometimes the father or elder brother of the woman says to the husband, "You have made her suffer; you shall not have her for a wife any longer." This they do when he has beaten her several times, or has been cruel in other ways. But sometimes the woman has married the man in spite of the warnings of her kindred, who have said to her, "He is maleficent; do not take him for your husband." When such a woman repents, and wishes to abandon her husband, her male kindred say to her, "Not so; still have him for your husband; remain with him always." Thus do they punish her for not having heeded their previous warnings. When they are satisfied with each other they always stay together; but should either one turn out bad, the other one always wishes to abandon the unworthy consort.
When parents separate, the children are sometimes taken by their mother, and sometimes by her mother or their father's mother. Should the husband be unwilling, the wife cannot take the children with her. Each consort can remarry. Sometimes one consort does not care whether the other one marries again or not; but occasionally the divorced wife or husband gets angry on hearing of the remarriage of the other.