CHAPTER XIX.
CURIOUS LETTERS ADDRESSED TO THE POST-OFFICE.
The fountain-head of the Post-office establishment of this country, whose personal embodiment is the Postmaster-General, possesses very ample means for the collection of information of various kinds through its willing and trusty agents, to be found in every corner of the empire; and this idea seems to be entertained as well by individuals abroad as by our neighbours at home, who, when they fail to ascertain what they want by other means, frequently fall back upon the Postmaster-General for assistance and guidance—the Post-office being pre-eminently a people's institution, whose head even no poor man need fear to approach—at any rate by letter. It is a common expression to say that a thing cannot be done for love or money; but while the Postmaster-General is addressed by inquirers on every variety of subject, it will be found that love and money are at the bottom of many of the communications addressed to him not strictly upon the business of his Department. In the following paragraphs will be found specimens of such letters—some entreating him to render assistance in tracing missing relatives, some asking help in the recovery of fortunes supposed to have been left to the writers, others begging him to obtain situations for them, and the like; but the letters generally explain themselves.
The Dead-letter Office must occasionally be supposed to be a repository for the human dead, as inquiries for deceased persons are sometimes addressed to the "Dead Office." Thus:—
"We heard in the paper about 12 or 14 months back Mary Ann —— the servant girl at London was dead. Please send it to the Printer's office by return of post whether their was a small fortune left for ——."
"i Beg of you to let me if you do no something about a young sailor. his name Hugh ——. he is away now since 4 or 5 years. i hope gentlemen you will let me no if he is dead or alive as i am anxious to no as it is a deal of trouble on my mind as he is a Boy that i have reared up without father an mother an he a deal of trouble on my mind. he has a dark eyes an Brown hair, looking pael. please gentlemen to let me no if you can by return."
"i rite a Line two see if you hard Enny thing of my husband —— that was left at —— ill. pleese will you rite back by return of post as we are in great trobble."
"I have just been hearing of 3 men that was drowned about 9 months ago. i hear there was one of the men went under the name of John ——. Could the manager of the office give any particulars about that man,—what he was like, or if there was such a name, or if he had any friend. He just went amissing about that time. I here enclose a stamp, and address to ——" &c.
Again, the Post-office is asked to hunt up missing relatives:—
"I write to ask you for some information about finding out persons who are missing. I want to find out my mother and sisters who are in Melbourne in Australia i believe—if you would find them out for me please let me know by return of post and also your charge at the lowest."
"i right to you and request of you sinsearly for to help me to find out my husband. i ham quite a stranger in London, only two months left Ireland. i can find know trace of my husband. Your the only gentleman that I know that can help me to find him. thears is letters goes to him to —— in his name and thears is letters comes to him to the —— Post-office for him. Sir you may be sure that i ham low in spirit in a strange contry without a friend. I hope you will be so kind as not to forget me. Sir, I would never find —— for i would go astray, besides I have no money."
"I right these fue lines to you to ask you if you would be so kind as to teel me if there his such a person living in england. She was living at Birmingham last Rtimmas—this his mi sister and brother-in-law—they hant in Birmingham now—let this letter go to every general Post-office there is."
Then come requests for information about property that may be supposed to have been left by relatives in this country to persons abroad—generally in America—in which the Postmaster-General is usually treated to an insight, more or less deep, into the family affairs or history of the writers, the rich relatives being as a rule faithfully remembered by the poor, while the recollections in the opposite direction would seem to exhibit features of a less enduring nature. Here are a few specimens:—
"Kansas.
"My grandfather Mr John —— made a will on or about 22 Oct. 18— dated at —— leaving to his son, my father, £1000, the interest to be paid to him half yearly, the prinsaple to be divided among his children at his death. My father died on the —— last leaving myself and one brother who wishes you to look up and collect the money for us."
"California.
"I take the plesure in writing a few lines to you wishing you to ask some old friend of yours to find my father wether he is ded or gone to some other place. his trade was when I left a artist and a panter. I left London when I was four years old. I came to California, my mother and him had some fuss. the street where we lived is on oxford street. You will find my name on the regester in the blumsbery church. My father is german and my mother she is french. I wish you would try and find him for me i woud be so glad if you find him. I will pay you for your truble.
"I was born in 18—. if you go to that —— church you will find my age if the church is there or the book. pleas let me know as soon as you can."
"Missouri.
"You must excuse me for writing to you for I dont know any one in England. I know the names of no lawyers, and thought I would write to you. We have seen it in our paper several times of money being left to the —— heirs, and heard that a Lawyer of London made a flying visit to St Louis to find the heirs, but failed. My father was born and raised in —— England. His name was —— the oldest son of three. My parents died shortly after we came to America, and I was quite small. I know but little about any of them. I remember hearing my Father say that he had rich relatives who intended to make him their heir. I am very poor; lost everything during the war. If you know of some lawyer who will see to it without money as I have none to invest. Please answer to tell me what you think you can do for me."
"As I have no correspondent in London at present I adopt this plan of procuring one that I can transact business through—the matter I wish to call your attention to is this—To the estate of —— and the heirs. The papers were sent here once but have been lost. —— died in London about 45 years ago and left a large estate of which my client's interest would be about seventy-five thousand dollars at the time of his death—Will you please inform me what it is necessary for us to do in the matter in full."
"United States.
"Will you do me the kind favour, as you are the Postmaster and able to know, as I judge of. It is this, give to me the full name and address of any 'Mac——' that you know of in England, or in Scotland, or Ireland, or Wales, or in India, or at or in any other country that you may know of, with their full names and correct address, so that I can write to them myself.
"If you have any list, or book, or pamphlet, with the names of parties who have died, and left money or land to their heirs at law, as I want such information," &c.
A farmer in the country wants a postmaster to act as go-between in a little business matter, and pens him a few lines to the following effect:—
"John —— acting as Farmer here would be very much obliged to the postmaster if he would be so good as to name a suitable party at —— to whom he might sell a 30 stone pig of good quality well—for he understands it is the best place to sell. The pig is now quite ready for killing."
A sharp fellow in Tennessee, anxious to become rich by a short cut, wants an instrument to hunt gold and silver, and forthwith applies to the Post-office:—
"I want you to do me a kines, to hand this (letter) to some good watch maker and tell him to see if I can by a instrument to tell where gold or silver is in the ground or if there is a instrument maid to find mettel—gold or silver—that are in the ground. If it will attrack it. A instrument for that perpos. I understand there are sutch a thing made. If so, be pleas tell me where I can by one and what it will cost me. It can be sent to New York to —— where I can get it. I want to get a instrument to hunt gold & silver. You will pleas write to me as I think if there are sutch a thing maid I could get one in your country. I send you a stamp."
A stranger in the country expresses his readiness to reward the Postmaster-General with some partridges if he will get some one to send him a parcel of mithridate mustard:—
"Will you do me the favour of dropping me a line to say if you know of an herbalist or greengrocer that could send me a parcel of Mithridate Mustard. It grows at Hatfield by the river side, and in the streets of Peckham on the Surrey side. As I am a stranger, if you will kindly see if you can get any one to send it me I will send a Post-office order or stamps for what it will cost before they start it by train; or if you will get it I will send it to you. I will send you some partridges for your trouble if you will kindly let me know. It dont grow in any part of ——shire that I am aware of. We have the common hedge mustard growing here, but that wont do what the gentleman wants it for."
A Massachusetts owner of an old clock begs for antiquarian search into the history of an ancient timepiece which has come into his possession:—
"I have tuke the liberty to address you, wishing to know if I could ask the favour by paying you for the trouble I ask to know.
"I have an old clock in my collection made by Henton Brown, London, in the first part of 1700. I would like to know where he was in business and when he died, if it could be ascertained. Please inform me if you could find out by any record in London. I would pay you for all trouble.
"This darling —— is one of the loveliest places in Massachusetts."
Now a brother, being doubtful of a love business in which his sister is concerned, claims the help of the Post-office in clearing matters up:—
"Will you, if you please, let me know if there is such a gentleman as Mr —— in ——. i beleave he is a Chirch Clurdgman. There is a young man in —— who has been engaged to my sister, and he says Mrs —— at —— is his sister. i should very much like to know, if you will oblige me by sending. i thought if Mrs —— was his sister i would rite and ask for his charetar, because he is a stranger to us all."
A Frenchman, with hat in hand, and all ready to propose, merely wants to know, as a preliminary, whether the lady he has in view is still alive!—
"À Monsieur le
"Directeur de la Poste de Londres.
"J'ai cinquante trois ans. Veuillez être assez bon de me faire réponse pour me donner des résultats sur l'existence de Madame ——? Si parfois elle était toujours veuve je voudrais lui faire la proposition de lui demander sa main d'après que j'en aurais des nouvelles. En attendant, Monsieur, votre réponse."
A couple, having got over the proposal and acceptance stage, write for a special licence to get married forthwith:—
"Will you please oblige Susannah —— and Walter —— with the particulars of an aspecial licence to get married—is it possible for you to forward one to us without either of us coming to you—if you enclose the charge and have it returned, would we get one before next Monday week to get married at ——. If you will kindly send by return to the address enclosed the particulars, we should feel greatly obliged."
And matters being advanced one stage further in another case, the following inquiry is sent to the Postal headquarters:—
"Will you please inform me if there is to be a baby show this year at Woolwich; if so, where it is to be holden, and what day."
Nor is the purely social element lost sight of in the letters reaching St Martin's-le-Grand, unconnected with Post-office business, as the two specimens hereafter show:—
"United States.
"I have always had a great desire to visit your country, but as I probly never shall, I thought I would write.
"I am a young lady attending the High School at ——, a pictorest town bordering on the —— river. Our country seat is four miles and a half west of ——. My father is a rich gentleman farmer.
"We have four horses, 30 or 35 head of cattle, 15 or 20 pigs, and a large henery. We have about 250 acres of land, so of course we have to keep a house full of servants.
"We are quite well off in worldly goods, but should be better off if you could inform me about that fortune I expect from a great-uncle, great-aunt, or somebody. It is about half a million either on my father's or mother's side. If you would be so kind as to write and inform me, I would be a thousand times obliged. If you would assist me in getting it I will reward you handsomely. Their name is ——. They used to be very fond of me when I was a crowing infant in my mother's arms. It is a very pretty country out hear, wide rolling prairies enter spersed with fine forests. There is a stream of water running through our land, a stream so softly and peasfully wild that it looks as if nature had onely just made it and laid down her pencil and smiled.
"The schoolroom is just a little ways from ——, the name of our farm. It is the schoolroom where I learnt my A B, abs, but I probly never shall go there to school again. It is vacation now and I have come out on to the farm to stay till school commences again. It seems so nice to be where I can have new milk to drink and nice fresh eggs again. I intend to enjoy myself till school commences again. Father has sold off most all of our horses, but he saved my riding horse, so I intend to have rides and drives without number.
"Well, as I have said as much as you will care to read, I will stop. I hope you will excuse all mistakes as I am not a very old young lady—only 13 years old."
"Indiana, U.S.
"Enclosed you will please find a letter which I would like for you to give some young lady or gent—lady preferred—who you think would like a correspondent in this country. Will correspond on topics of general interest. For further particulars glance at enclosed letter as it is not sealed.
"To the person in whose hands this message may fall, I would like a correspondent in your city which I think would be of interest to each of us in the way of information.
"My house is in the central part of the United States, my age is 18. I am a partner in the manufacturing of ——. We are also dealers in —— work. I have travelled all over the United States and Canada. I can give you any information you may desire in reference to this country—this must necessarily be brief. Would like to discuss the habits and nature of our people. To-day is Thanksgiving Day set apart by our president as a day of thanksgiving for our prosperity, &c; it is observed annually all over the U.S. It is principally observed by giving receptions, dinners, &c. It is snowing to-day; it is the first day of winter we have had. The thermometer is ten above zero. All business is suspended to-day. Please state what day you receive this, as I would like to know how long a letter is on the road—if you do not wish to answer this, please give to some of your friends who will—my address you will find on the enclosed card."
An individual who had apparently, like Rip Van Winkle, been asleep for a number of years, suddenly starts up, and imagines that he has committed a petty fraud upon the Post-office, and so, to ease his conscience, pens the following confession:—
"I enclose you 7 sixpenny stamps, and ask you to credit 2 shillings to revenue as conscience money, as I consider that I owe your Department that amount, having enclosed some weeks ago 3 letters to India within a cover to a friend. At the time of my doing so I thought I was doing no wrong, as the three letters enclosed were merely messages which I did not like to trouble my friend with; but lately I have thought differently, and to quiet my conscience I send you the enclosed stamps, and beg of you to be good enough to acknowledge the receipt of 2s. in the columns of the 'Daily Telegraph' as conscience money from ——. I send 1s. 6d. extra as cost of insertion of the acknowledgment."
The question even of "who shall be the hangman" is thought to be a fit subject for elucidation at the Post-office.
"I hope you will pardon me for asking of you the favour of satisfying a curiosity which cannot, without distortion, be called a morbid one. The question I am about to put is prompted by the statement in the London papers that Marwood is to be the executioner of Peace.
"Now, being fully cognizant, from my readings of journals more than 50 years back, that York has always retained its own executioners (Askern having succeeded Howard), I am sceptical as to the correctness of the above statement. But, assuming it to be correct, I should like to be informed why Peace's particular case should cause a deviation from the old bylaws of your county (York), which gives name to an archiepiscopal province.—Hoping to be pardoned for thus troubling you, I am," &c.
And again, the Postmaster-General is begged to step in and prevent people being called hard names.
"I humbly beg your consideration if there is no law to stop persons from calling all manner of bad names day after day as it is annoying me very much in my calling as a Gardener and Seedsman; as I have applyed to the office at —— for a summons for a little protection and they tell not, so i think it rather too hard for me as i have done all the good I have had the means to do with to the Hospitals and Institutions and all charityable purposes both in —— and elsewhere if needed; but i suffer from lameness with a ulcerated leg not being able for laborious hard work, although i wish to do as i would be done by. Please to answer this at your leisure."
The next specimens are from persons out of employment:—
"I am taking the liberty of writeing you those few lines, as I am given to understand that you do want men in New South Wales, and I am a Smith by Trade, a single man. My age is 24 next birthday. I shood be verry thankfull if you wood be so kind and send all the particulars by return."
"Having lost my parents, I am desirous of taking a housekeeper's situation where a domestic is kept. Must be a dissenting family, Baptist preferred. Thinking that such a case might come under your notice, I have therefore taken the liberty of sending to you."
"Illinois, U.S.
"Mr Postmaster if you would be so kind as to seek for us work as we are two colored young men of —— Illinois, and would like to come to England and get work as Coachmen or race horse trainers, as we have been experance for twelve years practicesing training—if any further information about it we can be reckemend to any one that wish to hire us, pleas to advertise it in the papers for us."
The two letters of inquiry for situations which follow are rather amusing, owing to their mode of expression, being written by foreigners not having a command of the English idiom; and they will mirror to our own countrymen what sort of figures they must sometimes cut in the eyes of our neighbours across the Channel, when airing their "dictionary French" in the metropolis of fashion:—
"Sir,—I have the honour of coming to solicit of your goodwill of telling me if I could not to pass into the English Telegraphic Administration, and, in the affirmative, what I would must make for that. I have undergone here all the examens demanded by the French Administration; I am now surnumerary, and in a few months I shall be named clerck. I know completely the two Breguet's and Morse machines, and I have begun the 'Hughes.' But, as I am now in a little office where that last is not employed, I cannot improve me actually. I have also some knowledge of the English language. I have kept the last year the post of —— during several months.
"As for my family, my father died from two years, was advocate and sus-prefect —— during thirty years. Myself, at Paris, I have had for scholl-fellow, several young gentlemen, among others, Master ——, the son of the great English perfumery, and others notable manufacturers of London, where I should desire ardently to be clerck, if, by effect of your good-will, you give satisfaction to my claim. I am old of twenty-five years, and I have satisfied to the military law.
"I dare to hope, Master the Director, that, be it as it may, you will make to me the honour of answering what I must expect of your resolution, and in the same time yours conditions.
"I am, Master, in expecting, with the most profound respect, your very humble servant."
"Switzerland.
"You will excuse me of the liberty which I take to write to you, but as I know nobody in your town, I have not found an other way for find relations with some body honourable. I will ask you if you can procure me a place in the English Colonies or plantations as teacher in an institution or tutor in a good family. I am old of 22 years. I have gone a good course of study in the college and gymnasium in ——, and I have held during a 1-1/2 year in the pensionnat —— an place as teacher of French language and Mathematics. I can give you some good Certificates; I speak French, German, and a little English. I should wish for be entirely defrayed of the charges of lodging, nourishment, &c., to have a good salary and the voyage paid. These are my conditions; perhaps will you found something for satisfy them. I will give you a commission proportionably to the importance of the place. I hope Sir a favorible answer, and it is in this expectation that I am," &c.
The next letter is of another kind, and is not a bad effort for a schoolboy:—
"Not having received the live bullfinch mentioned by you as having arrived at the Returned-letter office two days ago, having been posted as a letter contrary to the regulations of the postal system, I now write to ask you to have the bird fed and forwarded at once to ——; and to apply for all fines and expenses to ——. If this is not done and I do not receive the bird before the end of the week, I shall write to the Postmaster-General, who is a very intimate friend of my father's, and ask him to see that measures are taken against you for neglect. This is not an idle threat, so you will oblige by following the above instructions."
In the rules laid down by the Post-office for the guidance of its officers and the information of the public, an endeavour is made to use plain language; but in any case of doubtful meaning, the Post-office, having framed the rules, claims the right of interpreting them. At one time an element in the definition of a newspaper, under the newspaper post, was that it should consist of a sheet or sheets unstitched. A newspaper having been taxed a penny, owing to the sheets being tied together with thread, the person who sent the newspaper made the following sharp remonstrance:—
"Sir,—I had hoped that the utterly indefensible regulation in reference to which I send a wrapper had been silently abolished. The public is quite unable to understand why stitching is made the differentia of a newspaper and a pamphlet, and I can hardly suppose that the occasional penalty of 1d. can be the motive. If in the printed regulations you would assign a sufficient motive, no one would of course object. Allow me to ask, if a piece of string is passed through two holes and the ends not tied in a knot, if that is considered stitching? According to Johnson's definition of stitching my newspaper was not stitched, but tied, for I used no needle."
Again, a person having suffered the loss of a letter, containing something of value perhaps, launched a bolt from Scripture at the Department:—
"I got no redress before, but I trust I shall on this occasion; or else there must be something rotten in the State of Denmark. Judas Iscariot was a thief, and carried the bag, and it will be a pity and a great scandal if he has found a successor in some branch of the Post-office."
A fond parent, finding that some white mice sent by his little boy were detained in the Post-office, owing to the transmission of live animals being contrary to regulations, writes very indignantly to the Department, overlooking its impersonal nature, and singles out the officer whose performance of duty provoked him for such castigation as his pen was capable of inflicting. Here is his letter, and it is mild compared with some of the comminatory effusions which occasionally reach the Post-office:—
"Sir,—Tuesday last week my little son sent three white mice to a friend at ——, in a wooden revolving cage, done up strongly in brown paper, with such sufficient biscuit to serve them for the day; but to-day we have heard that your officious manager at our district office delayed sending it, and wrote instead to ask the address of the sender, and called to-day to say he would not forward the cage. Now allow me to ask by what law has he dared to delay the delivery, and by that means no doubt killed the little animals? They were in a wooden cage, carefully packed, and could not in any way have been an annoyance; they were not explosive, they were not loose; and I know of no notice in your regulations whereby he dare to delay the delivery and starve the little creatures to death. I would also ask by what law did he open the package? The full postage was on the parcel, and no doubt the stamp (4d.) has been obliterated, which he will of course have to refund, as also the cost of the white mice; he cannot, of course, pay the disappointment. Why did the office at —— take it if wrong? But it is not, because he has sent several such little creatures to others, and they have always reached safely. He likewise had the impudence to say I was to send to the office for the cage, &c. I feel assured you will be equally astonished with me at his assurance. The package was booked from here over eight days ago, and it was his duty to have delivered it. Please see to it; the address on the parcel was ——."[5]
A young man, conceiving that he had a call to the ministry, quitted the Post-office service to qualify for that vocation. After a time, the following letter, which fully explains its own purpose, reached headquarters:—
"Enclosed is from a young man in my parish, whose sister is a permanent invalid, and his father a retired Church officer, so that he must have a dry crust.
"I suppose his style does not take amongst the Independent congregations wanting pastors, so he is sent back to business (a great mistake, I told him, he ever left it).
"He says something about being over twenty-four years of age; but I think it hard he should go to college for three years, and then be sent adrift without a plank. Is it possible to reinstate him at the Post-office? He goes to chapel in my parish, and his family are all deserving and needy. Excuse this effort to help a respectable though needy fellow."