ACT V. SCENE I.
Enter Gripus and Phædra. Gripus has the Goblet in his hand.
Phæd. You will not be so base to take it from me?
Grip. 'Tis my proper chattel; and I'll seize my own, in whatever hands I find it.
Phæd. You know I only showed it you, to provoke your generosity, that you might out-bid your rival with a better present.
Grip. My rival is a thief; and I'll indite you for a receiver of stolen goods.
Phæd. Thou hide-bound lover!
Grip. Thou very mercenary mistress!
Phæd. Thou most mercenary magistrate!
Grip. Thou seller of thyself!
Phæd. Thou seller of other people: thou weather-cock of government; that, when the wind blows for the subject, pointest to privilege; and when it changes for the sovereign, veerest to prerogative[9]!
Grip. Will you compound, and take it as my present?
Phæd. No; but I'll send thy rival to force it from thee.
Grip. When a thief is rival to his judge, the hangman will soon decide the difference.
[Exit Phædra.
Enter Mercury, with two Swords.
Merc. [Bowing.] Save your good lordship.
Grip. From an impertinent coxcomb: I am out of humour, and am in haste; leave me.
Merc. 'Tis my duty to attend on your lordship, and to ease you of that undecent burden.
Grip. Gold was never any burden to one of my profession.
Merc. By your lordship's permission, Phædra has sent me to take it from you.
Grip. What, by violence?
Merc. [still bowing.] No; but by your honour's permission, I am to restore it to her, and persuade your lordship to renounce your pretensions to her.
Grip. Tell her flatly, I will neither do one, nor t'other.
Merc. O my good lord, I dare pass my word for your free consent to both.——Will your honour be pleased to take your choice of one of these?
Grip. Why, these are swords: what have I to do with them?
Merc. Only to take your choice of one of them, which your lordship pleases; and leave the other to your most obedient servant.
Grip. What, one of these ungodly weapons? Take notice, I'll lay you by the heels, sirrah: this has the appearance of an unlawful bloody challenge.
Merc. You magistrates are pleased to call it so, my lord; but with us swordmen, it is an honourable invitation to the cutting of one another's throats.
Grip. Be answered; I have no throat to cut. The law shall decide our controversy.
Merc. By your permission, my lord, it must be dispatched this way.
Grip. I'll see thee hanged before I give thee any such permission, to dispatch me into another world.
Merc. At the least, my lord, you have no occasion to complain of my want of respect to you. You will neither restore the goblet, nor renounce Phædra: I offer you the combat; you refuse it; all this is done in the forms of honour: It follows, that I am to affront, cudgel you, or kick you, at my own arbitrement; and, I suppose, you are too honourable not to approve of my proceeding.
Grip. Here is a new sort of process, that was never heard of in any of our courts.
Merc. This, my good lord, is law in short-hand, without your long preambles, and tedious repetitions that signify nothing but to squeeze the subject: therefore, with your lordship's favour, I begin. [Fillips him under the chin.
Grip. What is this for?
Merc. To give you an occasion of returning me a box o' the ear; that so all things may proceed methodically.
Grip. I put in no answer, but suffer a non-suit.
Merc. No, my lord; for the costs and charges are to be paid: will you please to restore the cup?
Grip. I told thee, no.
Merc. Then from your chin, I must ascend to your lordship's ears.
Grip. Oh, oh, oh, oh!—Wilt thou never leave lugging me by the ears?
Merc. Not till your lordship will be pleased to hear reason. [Pulling again.
Grip. Take the cup, and the devil give thee joy on't.
Merc. [Still holding him.] And your lordship will farther be graciously pleased, to release all claims, titles, and actions whatsoever, to Phædra: you must give me leave to add one small memento for that too. [Pulling him again.
Grip. I renounce her; I release her.
Enter Phædra.
Merc. [To her.] Phædra, my lord has been pleased to be very gracious, without pushing matters to extremity.
Phæd. I overheard it all; but give me livery and seisin of the goblet, in the first place.
Merc. There is an act of oblivion should be passed too.
Phæd. Let him begin to remember quarrels, when he dares; now I have him under my girdle, I'll cap verses with him to the end of the chapter.
Enter Amphitryon, and Guards.
Amph. [To Gripus.] At the last I have got possession without your lordship's warrant.—Phædra, tell Alcmena I am here.
Phæd. I'll carry no such lying message: you are not here, and you cannot be here; for, to my knowledge, you are above with my lady, in the chamber.
Amph. All of a piece, and all witchcraft!—Answer me precisely: dost thou not know me for Amphitryon?
Phæd. Answer me first: did you give me a diamond and a purse of gold?
Amph. Thou knowest I did not.
Phæd. Then, by the same token, I know you are not the true Amphitryon: if you are he, I am sure I left you in bed with your own wife. Now you had best stretch out a leg, and feel about for a fair lady.
Amph. I'll undo this enchantment with my sword, and kill the sorcerer.—Come up, gentlemen, and follow me. [To the Guards.
Phæd. I'll save you the labour, and call him down to confront you, if you dare attend him. [Exit Phædra.
Merc. [Aside.] Now the spell is ended, and Jupiter can enchant no more; or else Amphitryon had not entered so easily. [Gripus is stealing off.]—Whither now, Gripus? I have business for you: if you offer to stir, you know what follows.
Enter Jupiter, followed by Tranio and Polidas.
Jup. Who dares to play the master in my house?
What noise is this that calls me from above,
Invades my soft recess and privacy,
And, like a tide, breaks in upon my love?
Amph. O heavens, what's this I see?
Tran. What prodigy!
Pol. How! two Amphitryons!
Grip. I have beheld the appearance of two suns,
But still the false was dimmer than the true;
Here, both shine out alike.
Amph. This is a sight, that, like the gorgon's head,
Runs through my limbs, and stiffens me to stone.
I need no more inquire into my fate;
For what I see resolves my doubts too plain.
Tran. Two drops of water cannot be more like.
Pol. They are two very sames.
Merc. Our Jupiter is a great comedian, he counterfeits most admirably: sure his priests have copied their hypocrisy from their master. [Aside.
Amph. Now I am gathered back into myself:
My heart beats high, and pushes out the blood, [Drawing his sword.
To give me just revenge on this impostor.
If you are brave, assist me—not one stirs! [To the Guards.
What, are all bribed to take the enchanter's part?
'Tis true, the work is mine; and thus——
[Going to rush upon Jupiter; and is held by Tranio and Polidas.
Pol. It must not be.
Jup. Give him his way; I dare the madman's worst:
But still take notice, that it looks not like
The true Amphitryon, to fly out at first
To brutal force: it shews he doubts his cause,
Who dares not trust his reason to defend it.
Amph. Thou base usurper of my name and bed! [Struggling.
No less than thy heart's blood can wash away
The affronts I have sustained.
Tran. We must not suffer
So strange a duel, as Amphitryon
To fight against himself.
Pol. Nor think we wrong you, when we hold your hands:
We know our duty to our general;
We know the ties of friendship to our friend;
But who that friend, or who that general is,
Without more certain proofs, betwixt you two,
Is hard to be distinguished, by our reason;
Impossible, by sight.
Amph. I know it, and have satisfied myself;
I am the true Amphitryon.
Jup. See again,
He shuns the certain proofs; and dares not stand
Impartial judgment, and award of right.
But, since Alcmena's honour is concerned,
Whom, more than heaven, and all the world, I love,
This I propose, as equal to us both:—
Tranio and Polidas, be you assistants;
The guards be ready to secure the impostor,
When once so proved, for public punishment;
And Gripus, be thou umpire of the cause.
Amph. I am content: let him proceed to examination.
Grip. On whose side would you please that I should give the sentence?
[Aside to Merc.
Merc. Follow thy conscience for once; but not to make a custom of it neither, nor to leave an evil precedent of uprightness to future judges. [Aside.]—'Tis a good thing to have a magistrate under correction: your old fornicating judge dares never give sentence against him that knows his haunts.
Pol. Your lordship knows I was master of Amphitryon's ship; and desire to know of him, what passed, in private, betwixt us two at his landing, when he was just ready to engage the enemy?
Grip. Let the true Amphitryon answer first.
Jup. and Amph. together. My lord, I told him——
Grip. Peace, both of you:—'Tis a plain case they are both true; for they both speak together: but, for more certainty, let the false Amphitryon speak first.
Merc. Now they are both silent.
Grip. Then 'tis plain, on the other side, that they are both false Amphitryons.
Merc. Which Amphitryon shall speak first?
Grip. Let the cholerick Amphitryon speak; and let the peaceable hold his peace.
Amph. [To Polid.] You may remember that I whispered you, not to part from the stern one single moment.
Polid. You did so.
Grip. No more words then: I proceed to sentence.
Jup. 'Twas I that whispered him; and he may remember I gave him this reason for it, that, if our men were beaten, I might secure my own retreat.
Polid. You did so.
Grip. Now again he is as true as the other.
Tran. You know I was paymaster: what directions did you give me the night before the battle?
Grip. To which of the you's art thou speaking?
Merc. It should be a double u; but they have no such letter in their tongue. [Aside.
Amph. I ordered you to take particular care of the great bag.
Grip. Why this is demonstration.
Jup. The bag, that I recommended to you, was of tygers-skin; and marked Beta.
Grip. In sadness, I think they are both jugglers: here is nothing, and here is nothing; and then hiccius doccius, and they are both here again.
Tran. You peaceable Amphitryon, what money was there in that bag?
Jup. The sum, in gross, amounted just to fifty Attick talents.
Tran. To a farthing.
Grip. Paugh: Obvious, obvious.
Amph. Two thousand pieces of gold were tied up in a handkerchief, by themselves.
Tran. I remember it.
Grip. Then it is dubious again.
Jup. But the rest was not all silver; for there were just four thousand brass half-pence.
Grip. Being but brass, the proof is inconsiderable: if they had been silver, it had gone on your side.
Amph. Death and hell, you will not persuade me, that I did not kill Pterelas? [To Jupiter.
Jup. Nor you me, that I did not enjoy Alcmena?
Amph. That last was poison to me.—— [Aside.
Yet there's one proof thou canst not counterfeit:
In killing Pterelas, I had a wound
Full in the brawny part of my right arm,
Where still the scar remains:—now blush, impostor;
For this thou canst not show.
[Bares his arm, and shows the scar, which they all look on.
Omnes. This is the true Amphitryon.
Jup. May your lordship please——
Grip. No, sirrah, it does not please me: hold your tongue, I charge you, for the case is manifest.
Jup. By your favour then, this shall speak for me. [Bares his arm, and shows it.
Tran. 'Tis just in the same muscle.
Polid. Of the same length and breadth; and the scar of the same blueish colour.
Grip. [To Jup.] Did not I charge you not to speak? 'twas plain enough before; and now you have puzzled it again.
Amph. Good gods, how can this be!
Grip. For certain there was but one Pterelas; and he must have been in the plot against himself too; for he was killed first by one of them, and then rose again out of respect to the other Amphitryon, to be killed twice over.
Enter Alcmena, Phædra, and Bromia.
Alcm. No more of this; it sounds impossible
[Turning to Phædra and Bromia.
That two should be so like, no difference found.
Phæd. You'll find it true.
Alcm. Then where's Alcmena's honour and her fame?
Farewell my needless fear, it cannot be:
This is a case too nice for vulgar sight;
But let me come, my heart will guide my eyes
To point, and tremble to its proper choice. [Seeing Amphitryon, goes to him.
There neither was, nor is, but one Amphitryon;
And I am only his.— [Goes to take him by the hand.
Amph. Away, adultress! [Pushing her away from him.
Jup. My gentle love, my treasure, and my joy,
Follow no more that false and foolish fire,
That would mislead thy fame to sure destruction!
Look on thy better husband, and thy friend,
Who will not leave thee liable to scorn,
But vindicate thy honour from that wretch,
Who would by base aspersions blot thy virtue.
Alcm. [Going to him, who embraces her.]
I was indeed mistaken; thou art he!
Thy words, thy thoughts, thy soul is all Amphitryon.
The impostor has thy features, not thy mind;
The face might have deceived me in my choice,
Thy kindness is a guide that cannot err.
Amph. What! in my presence to prefer the villain?
O execrable cheat!—I break the truce;
And will no more attend your vain decisions:
To this, and to the gods, I'll trust my cause.
[Is rushing upon Jupiter, and is held again.
Jup. Poor man, how I contemn those idle threats!
Were I disposed, thou might'st as safely meet
The thunder launched from the red arm of Jove,—Nor
Jove need blush to be Alcmena's champion.
But in the face of Thebes she shall be cleared;
And what I am, and what thou art, be known.—
Attend, and I will bring convincing proofs.
Amph. Thou would'st elude my justice, and escape:
But I will follow thee through earth and seas;
Nor hell shall hide thee from my just revenge.
Jup. I'll spare thy pains. It shall be quickly seen,
Betwixt us two, who seeks, and who avoids.—
Come in, my friends,—and thou, who seem'st Amphitryon—
That all, who are in doubt, may know the true.
[Jupiter re-enters the house; with him Amphitryon Alcmena, Polidas, Tranio, and Guards.
Merc. Thou, Gripus, and you, Bromia, stay with Phædra:
[To Gripus and Bromia, who are following.
Let their affairs alone, and mind we ours,
Amphitryon's rival shall appear a god:
But know beforehand, I am Mercury;
Who want not heaven, while Phædra is on earth.
Brom. But, an't please your lordship, is my fellow Phædra to be exalted into the heavens, and made a star?
Phæd. When that comes to pass, if you look up a-nights, I shall remember old kindness, and vouch-safe to twinkle on you.
Enter Sosia, peeping about him; and, seeing Mercury, is starting back.
Sos. Here he is again; and there's no passing by him into the house, unless I were a sprite, to glide in through the key-hole. I am to be a vagabond, I find.
Merc. Sosia, come back.
Sos. No, I thank you; you may whistle me long enough; a beaten dog has always the wit to avoid his master.
Merc. I permit thee to be Sosia again.
Sos. 'Tis an unfortunate name, and I abandon it: he that has an itch to be beaten, let him take it up for Sosia;—What have I said now! I mean for me; for I neither am nor will be Sosia.
Merc. But thou may'st be so in safety; for I have acknowledged myself to be god Mercury.
Sos. You may be a god, for aught I know; but the devil take me if ever I worship you, for an unmerciful deity as you are.
Merc. You ought to take it for an honour to be drubbed by the hand of a divinity.
Sos. I am your most humble servant, good Mr God; but, by the faith of a mortal, I could well have spared the honour that you did me. But how shall I be sure that you will never assume my shape again?
Merc. Because I am weary of wearing so villainous an outside.
Sos. Well, well; as villainous as it is, here's old Bromia will be contented with it.
Brom. Yes, now I am sure that I may chastise you safely, and that there's no god lurking under your appearance.
Sos. Ay; but you had best take heed how you attempt it; for, as Mercury has turned himself into me, so I may take the toy into my head, and turn myself into Mercury, that I may swinge you off condignly.
Merc. In the mean time, be all my witnesses, that I take Phædra for my wife of the left hand; that is, in the nature of a lawful concubine.
Phæd. You shall pardon me for believing you, for all you are a god; for you have a terrible ill name below; and I am afraid you'll get a footman, instead of a priest, to marry us.
Merc. But here's Gripus shall draw up articles betwixt us.
Phæd. But he's damnably used to false conveyancing. Well, be it so; for my counsel shall over-look them before I sign—Come on, Gripus, that I may have him under black and white.
[Here Gripus gets ready pen, ink, and paper.
Merc. With all my heart, that I may have thee under black and white hereafter.
Phæd. [To Gripus.] Begin, begin—Heads of articles to be made, &c. betwixt Mercury, god of thieves——
Merc. And Phædra, queen of gypsies.——Imprimis, I promise to buy and settle upon her an estate, containing nine thousand acres of land, in any part of Bœotia, to her own liking.
Phæd. Provided always, that no part of the said nine thousand acres shall be upon, or adjoining to, Mount Parnassus; for I will not be fobbed off with a poetical estate.
Merc. Memorandum, that she be always constant to me, and admit of no other lover.
Phæd. Memorandum, unless it be a lover that offers more; and that the constancy shall not exceed the settlement.
Merc. Item, that she shall keep no male servants in her house: Item, no rival lap-dog for a bedfellow: Item, that she shall never pray to any of the gods.
Phæd. What, would you have me an atheist?
Merc. No devotion to any he-deity, good Phædra.
Brom. Here's no provision made for children yet.
Phæd. Well remembered, Bromia; I bargain that my eldest son shall be a hero, and my eldest daughter a king's mistress.
Merc. That is to say, a blockhead, and a harlot, Phædra.
Phæd. That's true; but who dares call them so? Then, for the younger children—But now I think on't, we'll have no more, but Mass and Miss; for the rest would be but chargeable, and a burden to the nation.
Merc. Yes, yes; the second shall be a false prophet: he shall have wit enough to set up a new religion, and too much wit to die a martyr for it.
Phæd. O what had I forgot? there's pin-money, and alimony, and separate maintenance, and a thousand things more to be considered, that are all to be tacked to this act of settlement.
Sos. I am a fool, I must confess; but yet I can see as far into a mill-stone as the best of you. I have observed, that you women-wits are commonly so quick upon the scent, that you often over-run it: now I would ask of Madam Phædra, that in case Mr Heaven there should be pleased to break these articles, in what court of judicature she intends to sue him?
Phæd. The fool has hit upon't:—Gods, and great men, are never to be sued, for they can always plead privilege of peerage; and therefore for once, monsieur, I'll take your word; for, as long as you love me, you'll be sure to keep it: and, in the mean time, I shall be gaining experience how to manage some rich cully; for no woman ever made her fortune by a wit.
It thunders; and the company within doors, Amphitryon, Alcmena, Polidas, and Tranio, all come running out, and join with the rest, who were on the stage before.
Amph. Sure 'tis some god; he vanished from our sight,
And told us, we should see him soon return.
Alcm. I know not what to hope, nor what to fear.
A simple error is a real crime,
And unconsenting innocence is lost.
A second peal of Thunder. After which, Jupiter appears in a Machine.
Jup. Look up, Amphitryon, and behold, above,
The impostor god, the rival of thy love;
In thy own shape see Jupiter appear,
And let that sight secure thy jealous fear.
Disgrace, and infamy, are turned to boast;
No fame, in Jove's concurrence, can be lost:
What he enjoys, he sanctifies from vice,
And, by partaking, stamps into a price,
'Tis I who ought to murmur at my fate,
Forced by my love my godhead to translate;
When on no other terms I could possess,
But by thy form, thy features, and thy dress.
To thee were given the blessings that I sought,
Which else, not all the bribes of heaven had bought,
Then take into thy arms thy envied love,
And, in his own despite, triumph o'er Jove.
Merc. Amphitryon and Alcmena both stand mute, and know not how to take it. [Aside.
Sos. Our sovereign lord Jupiter is a sly companion; he knows how to gild a bitter pill. [Aside.
Jup. From this auspicious night shall rise an heir,
Great like his sire, and like his mother fair:
Wrongs to redress, and tyrants to disseize;
Born for a world that wants a Hercules.
Monsters, and monster-men he shall engage,
And toil, and struggle, through an impious age.
}
{ Peace to his labours shall at length succeed;
{ And murmuring men, unwilling to be freed,
{ Shall be compelled to happiness, by need.
[Jupiter is carried back to Heaven.
Omnes. We all congratulate Amphitryon.
Merc. Keep your congratulations to yourselves, gentlemen. 'Tis a nice point, let me tell you that; and the less that's said of it the better. Upon the whole matter, if Amphitryon takes the favour of Jupiter in patience, as from a god, he's a good heathen.
Sos. I must take a little extraordinary pains to-night, that my spouse may come even with her lady, and produce a squire to attend on young Hercules, when he goes out to seek adventures; that, when his master kills a man, he may stand ready to pick his pockets, and piously relieve his aged parents.—Ah, Bromia, Bromia, if thou hadst been as handsome and as young as Phædra!—I say no more, but somebody might have made his fortunes as well as his master, and never the worse man neither.
For, let the wicked world say what they please,
The fair wife makes her husband live at ease:
The lover keeps him too; and but receives,
Like Jove, the remnants that Amphitryon leaves.
'Tis true, the lady has enough in store,
To satisfy those two, and eke two more:
In fine, the man, who weighs the matter fully,
Would rather be the cuckold than the cully. [Exeunt.
EPILOGUE,
SPOKEN BY PHÆDRA.
I'm thinking, (and it almost makes me mad)
How sweet a time those heathen ladies had.
Idolatry was even their Gods' own trade:
They worshipped the fine creatures they had made.
Cupid was chief of all the deities;
And love was all the fashion, in the skies.
When the sweet nymph held up the lily hand,
Jove was her humble servant at command;
The treasury of heaven was ne'er so bare,
But still there was a pension for the fair.
In all his reign, adultery was no sin;
For Jove the good example did begin.
Mark, too, when he usurped the husband's name,
How civilly he saved the lady's fame.
The secret joys of love he wisely hid;
But you, sirs, boast of more than e'er you did.
You teaze your cuckolds, to their face torment 'em;
But Jove gave his new honours to content him,
And, in the kind remembrance of the fair,
On each exalted son bestowed a star.
For these good deeds, as by the date appears,
His godship flourished full two thousand years.
}
{ At last, when he and all his priests grew old,
{ The ladies grew in their devotion cold;
{ And that false worship would no longer hold.
Severity of life did next begin;
And always does, when we no more can sin.
That doctrine, too, so hard in practice lies,
That the next age may see another rise.
}
{ Then, pagan gods may once again succeed:
{ And Jove, or Mars, be ready, at our need,
{ To get young godlings; and so mend our breed.
KING ARTHUR:
OR,
THE BRITISH WORTHY.
A
DRAMATIC OPERA.
——————hîc alta theatris
Fundamenta locant,—scenis decora alta futuris. Virg. Æn. 1.
Purpurea intexti tollant aulæa Britanni. Georg. 3.
——————Tanton' placuit concurrere motu,
Jupiter, æterna gentes in pace futuris! Æneid. 12.
——————Et celebrare domestica facta. Hor.