SCENE III.
Enter Warner and Rose.
Rose. A mischief upon all fools! do you think your master has not done wisely? First to mistake our old man's humour; then to dispraise the plays; and, lastly, to discover his acquaintance with my mistress: My old master has taken such a jealousy of him, that he will never admit him into his sight again.
Warn. Thou makest thyself a greater fool than he, by being angry at what he cannot help. I have been angry with him too; but these friends have taken up the quarrel. [Shews gold.] Look you, he has sent these mediators to mitigate your wrath: Here are twenty of them have made a long voyage from Guinea to kiss your hands: And when the match is made, there are an hundred more in readiness to be your humble servants.
Rose. Rather than fall out with you, I'll take them; but I confess, it troubles me to see so loyal a lover have the heart of an emperor, and yet scarce the brains of a cobler.
Warn. Well, what device can we two beget betwixt us, to separate Sir John Swallow and thy mistress?
Rose. I cannot on the sudden tell; but I hate him worse than foul weather without a coach.
Warn. Then I'll see if my project be luckier than thine. Where are the papers concerning the jointure I have heard you speak of?
Rose. They lie within, in three great bags; some twenty reams of paper in each bundle, with six lines in a sheet: But there is a little paper where all the business lies.
Warn. Where is it? Canst thou help me to it?
Rose. By good chance he gave it to my custody, before he set out for London. You came in good time; here it is, I was carrying it to him; just now he sent for it.
Warn. So, this I will secure in my pocket; when thou art asked for it, make two or three bad faces, and say it was left behind: By this means, he must of necessity leave the town, to see for it in Kent.
Enter Sir John, Sir Martin, and Mrs Millisent.
Sir John. 'Tis no matter, though the old man be suspicious; I knew the story all beforehand; and since then you have fully satisfied me of your true friendship to me.—Where are the writings?
[To Rose.
Rose. Sir, I beg your pardon; I thought I had put them up amongst my lady's things, and it seems, in my haste, I quite forgot them, and left them at Canterbury.
Sir John. This is horribly unlucky! where do you think you left them?
Rose. Upon the great box in my lady's chamber; they are safe enough, I'm sure.
Sir John. It must be so—I must take post immediately: Madam, for some few days I must be absent; and to confirm you, friend, how much I trust you, I leave the dearest pledge I have on earth, my mistress, to your care.
Mill. If you loved me, you would not take all occasions to leave me thus.
Warn. [Aside.] Do, go to Kent, and when you come again, here they are ready for you.
[Shews the paper.
Sir Mart. What's that you have in your hand there, sirrah?
Warn. Pox, what ill luck was this! what shall I say?
Sir Mart. Sometimes you have tongue enough; what, are you silent?
Warn. 'Tis an account, sir, of what money you have lost since you came to town.
Sir Mart. I am very glad on't: Now I'll make you all see the severity of my fortune——give me the paper.
Warn. Heaven! what does he mean to do? It is not fair writ out, sir.
Sir John. Besides, I am in haste; another time, sir——
Sir Mart. Pray, oblige me, sir; 'tis but one minute: All people love to be pitied in their misfortunes, and so do I: will you produce it, sirrah?
Warn. Dear master!
Sir Mart. Dear rascal! am I master, or you, you rogue?
Warn. Hold yet, sir, and let me read it: You cannot read my hand.
Sir Mart. This is ever his way to be disparaging me; but I'll let you see, sirrah, that I can read your hand better than you yourself can.
Warn. You'll repent it; there's a trick in't, sir.
Sir Mart. Is there so, sirrah? but I'll bring you out of all your tricks with a vengeance to you——[Reads.] How now! What's this? A true particular of the estate of Sir John Swallow, knight, lying and situate in, &c.
Sir John. This is the very paper I had lost: I'm very glad on't; [Takes the paper.] it has saved me a most unwelcome journey—but I will not thank you for the courtesy, which now I find you never did intend me—this is confederacy, I smoke it now—come, madam, let me wait on you to your father.
Mill. Well, of a witty man, this was the foolishest part that ever I beheld.
[Exeunt Sir John, Millisent, and Rose.
Sir Mart. I am a fool, I must confess it; and I am the most miserable one without thy help—but yet it was such a mistake as any man might have made.
Warn. No doubt of it.
Sir Mart. Pr'ythee chide me! this indifference of thine wounds me to the heart.
Warn. I care not.
Sir Mart. Wilt thou not help me for this once?
Warn. Sir, I kiss your hands, I have other business.
Sir Mart. Dear Warner!
Warn. I am inflexible.
Sir Mart. Then I am resolved I'll kill myself.
Warn. You are master of your own body.
Sir Mart. Will you let me damn my soul?
Warn. At your pleasure, as the devil and you can agree about it.
Sir Mart. D'ye see, the point's ready? Will you do nothing to save my life?
Warn. Not in the least.
Sir Mart. Farewell, hard-hearted Warner.
Warn. Adieu, soft-headed Sir Martin.
Sir Mart. Is it possible?
Warn. Why don't you despatch, sir? why all these preambles?
Sir Mart. I'll see thee hanged first: I know thou wouldst have me killed, to get my clothes.
Warn. I knew it was but a copy of your countenance; people in this age are not so apt to kill themselves.
Sir Mart. Here are yet ten pieces in my pocket; take 'em, and let's be friends.
Warn. You know the easiness of my nature, and that makes you work upon it so. Well, sir, for this once I cast an eye of pity on you; but I must have ten more in hand, before I can stir a foot.
Sir Mart. As I am a true gamester, I have lost all but these; but if thou'lt lend me them, I'll give 'em thee again.
Warn. I'll rather trust you till to-morrow; Once more look up, I bid you hope the best. Why should your folly make your love miscarry, Since men first play the fools, and then they marry? [Exeunt.