HOW TO CALL A COACH.
Having settled When—by your leave, we will tell you How to call a Coach:—
“Go—call a Coach; and let a Coach be called:
Let him that calls the Coach, be called the Caller!
And in his calling, let him nothing call,
But COACH! COACH!! COACH!!!”
Chrononhotonthologos.
Equity requires that you ought to take the first Coach on the Stand, however little you may like the appearance of the Driver, the Carriage, or the Horses; because the occupier of that place having obtained it by being the longest in waiting, has therefore a fair claim to a preference, which it is apparently unjust not to grant: However, we have heard persons give the following advice—If you are in haste, take the Coach, the Driver of which is on the Box, the Horses bitted, and who stand with their faces towards the way you wish to go:—if not in a hurry, Open your Eyes, and choose that Vehicle to which the tidy appearance of it and its Driver attract you, and present ocular demonstration that the Carriage is clean, and the Coachman careful.
The Servants of Industry are known by their Livery, which is always whole and wholesome—the Slaves of Idleness are slovenly and loathsome:—the former, generally prove Civil and honest,—the latter, Impertinent and imposing.
When going out to Dinner, Beware of indulging your Benevolence by conferring the silly Sixpenny Civility of taking up every person that is bound to the same house: such mighty good kind of Gentry are commonly too late. However, since Colonel Bosville established the right laudable custom of locking out all those who come after the appointed hour, this caution has become almost needless; as now the rudeness of those who come too late, by such a prudent order to your Porter, very properly recoils upon Themselves:—Good Dinner-Giver, let such perfunctory persons be locked out!
Let those who wish to ensure Punctuality, have their Letter of Invitation expressed in the following manner, and affix thereto the Seal of the Committee of Taste, the motto on which is,
“Better Never, than Late.”
Messrs. Champaigne and Turtle request the honour of Messrs. Thirst and Hunger’s company at Dinner on Thursday the 9th Nov., five minutes before Five o’clock.
Nota Bene.—Messrs. C. and T. have directed, that as soon as the First Course is served, the Table shall be garnished with the Key of the Street Door, where it shall remain among the Dormant decorations till the Second Course is removed.
A prudent General always provides for a Retreat.
The Best way of securing a Coach to bring you Home, if it is a long distance, is to keep the Coach in waiting—or tell the Driver to call and take you home at a certain hour; or fee the Waterman at the nearest Stand, to send one at the hour you wish.
A Facetious Friend of the Editor’s, on a very Wet Night, after several Messengers, whom he had despatched for a Coach, had returned without obtaining one: at last, at “past one o’clock, and a Rainy Morning,” the Wag walked himself to the next Coach-stand, and politely advised the Waterman to mend his Inside lining with a Pint of Beer, and go home to bed; for, said he, “there will be nothing for you to do to-Night,—I’ll lay you a Shilling that there’s not a Coach out.”—“Why, will you, your Honour? then, done,” cried Mr. Waterman; “but are you really serious, ’cause, if so be as You be, I must make haste and go and get one.” Being assured he would certainly touch the Twelve-penny if he did, He trotted off on his “Nag a ten toes,” and in Ten minutes returned with a Leathern Convenience.—Bonaparte used to say, “In some cases, there is nothing like a Subsidy.”
We make no remarks on the newly introduced
CABRIOLETS,
further than to observe, that they are entitled to only two-thirds of the Fare of a Hackney Coach.
Mr. Jervis says that a Carriage with only Two Wheels, however well piloted by the most expert charioteer, is an extremely dangerous Vehicle in a paved and crowded street—especially, at the rapid rate at which some perfunctory people require them to keep moving. If the Horse be ever so sure-footed, and the Driver ever so skilful and steady, they are frightfully dangerous Vehicles for town work, and will only be used by those who are rash enough to sacrifice safety to Celerity, and Comfort to Cheapness.