The PREFACE.
1. “THE kingdom of God,” saith our blessed Lord, “is within you.” It is no outward, no distant thing: “but a well of living water” in the soul, “springing up into everlasting life.” It is “righteousness and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.” It is holiness and happiness.
2. The general manner wherein it pleases God to set it up in the heart is this. A sinner, being drawn by the love of the Father, enlightened by the Son (“the true light which lighteth every man that cometh into the world”) and convinced of sin by the Holy Ghost; through the preventing grace which is given him freely, cometh weary and heavy laden, and casteth all his sins upon him that is “mighty to save.” He receiveth from him, true living faith. Being justified by faith he hath peace with God: he rejoices in hope of the glory of God, and knows that sin hath no more dominion over him. And the love of God is shed abroad in his heart, producing all holiness of heart and of conversation.
3. This work of God in the soul of man is so described in the following treatise, as I have not seen it in any other, either antient or modern, in our own or any other language. So that I cannot but value it next to the holy scriptures, above any other human composition, excepting only the Christian pattern, and the small remains of Clemens Romanus, Polycarp, and Ignatius.
4. Yet this great servant of God at some times fell back from the glorious liberty he had received, into the spirit of fear and sin and bondage. But why was it thus? Because the hand of the Lord was shortened? No verily: but because he did not abide in Christ; because he did not cleave to him with all his heart: because he grieved the holy Spirit, by some, perhaps undiscerned, unfaithfulness; who thereupon for a season departing from him, left him weak and like another man.
5. But it may be said, “The gospel covenant does not promise entire freedom from sin.” What do you mean by the word sin? Those numberless weaknesses and follies, sometimes (improperly) termed sins of infirmity? If you mean only this, we shall not put off these but with our bodies. But if you mean, “It does not promise entire freedom from sin, in its proper sense, or from committing sin:” this is by no means true, unless the scripture be false: for thus it is written: “whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin:” (unless he lose the spirit of adoption, if not finally, yet for awhile, as did this child of God) “for his seed remaineth in him, and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.” He cannot sin so long as “he keepeth himself;” for then “that wicked one toucheth him not.” 1 John iii. 9, 5, 18.
6. We see then how to judge of that other assertion, “That the mercy of God to his sons in Christ Jesus, extends to all infirmities, follies and sins, multiplied relapses not excepted.” We grant many of the children of God find mercy, notwithstanding multiplied relapses. But tho’ it is possible a man may be a child of God, who is not fully freed from sin, it does not follow that freedom from sin is impossible; or, that it is not to be expected by all; for it is promised. It is described by the Holy Ghost as the common privilege of all. And “God will be mindful (O let us be so!) of his covenant and promise, which he hath made to a thousand generations.”
7. This caution is necessary to be remembered, that ye who are weak be not offended. Neither be ye offended, when ye hear the wisdom of the world pronounce all this, mere enthusiasm: a hard word, which most of those who are fondest of it, no more understand [♦]than they do Arabic. Ask, in the spirit of meekness, him who calls it so, “Is the kingdom of God set up in your soul? Do you feel that peace of God which passeth all understanding? Do you rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory? Is the love of God shed abroad in your heart, by the Holy Ghost which dwelleth in you?” If not, you are no judge of these matters. You cannot discern the things of the spirit of God. They are enthusiasm, madness, foolishness to you: for they are spiritually discerned.
[♦] duplicate word “than” removed
8. Ask such a one (but with meekness and love) “Are you taught of God? Do you know that he abideth in you? Have you the revelation of the Holy Ghost (they are the words of your own church) inspiring into you the true meaning of scripture?” If you have not, with all your human science and worldly wisdom, you know nothing yet as you ought to know. Whatever you are in other respects, as to the things of God, you are an unlearned and ignorant man. And if you are unstable too, you will wrest these, as you do also the other scriptures, to your own destruction.
9. Be not then surprized, ye that wait for peace, and joy, and love, thro’ faith in the blood of Jesus, that such judges, as these are continually crying out “Enthusiasm!” if you speak of the inward operations of the Holy Ghost. And as to you who have already peace with God, thro’ our Lord Jesus Christ, who now feel his love shed abroad in your hearts, by the Holy Ghost which is given unto you; with whose spirit the spirit of God beareth witness, that ye are the sons of God; it is your part to confirm your love toward them in all lowliness and meekness: (for who is it that maketh thee to differ? Or what hast thou, which thou hast not received?) And to plead earnestly for them at the throne of grace, that the day-star may appear in their hearts also, and the sun of righteousness at length arise upon them, with healing in his wings!
London,
February 9, 1738–9.
JOHN WESLEY.
PART I.
CHAPTER I.
A short account of his birth and life, till ten years of age.
1.MR. Thomas Haliburton, was born at Duplin, in the parish of Aberdalgy, (of which his father was sometime minister) on December 25, 1674. The three former parts of the following account were wrote by himself: the last is partly extracted from his diary, and partly taken from eye and ear-witnesses.
2. The common occurrences of the life of one in all respects so inconsiderable, are not worth recording; and if recorded, could be of little use either to my self or others. But if I can recount what has past between God and my soul, so as to discover not only the parts of this work, the several advances it made, the opposition of the world, the devil and my own heart; if I can represent this work in its order, it may be of great use to my own establishment; and, should it fall into the hands of any other Christian, it might not be unuseful: for the work of God in all is, as to the substance, the same and uniform; and as face answers to face in a glass, so does one Christian’s experience answer to another’s; and both to the word of God.
3. I came into the world with a nature wholly corrupted, and a heart fully set in me to do evil: and from the morning of my days, though I was under the great light of the gospel, and the inspection of pious parents, and not yet corrupted by custom; yet the imaginations of my heart, and the whole tenor of my life were only evil continually.
4. Indeed, in this period of my life, I had unusual advantages: my parents were eminently religious; I continually heard the sound of divine truth in their instructions, and had the beauty of holiness set before my eyes in their example. They kept me from ill company, and habituated me early to such outwards duties as I was capable of. But this care of my father during his life, (which ended October, 1682,) and of my mother after his death, did not change, but only hide nature. And, though I cannot remember all the particulars, from the fourth or fifth year of my life; yet I do remember the general bent of my mind, which was even then wholly set against God: insomuch, that when I now survey the decalogue, and review this portion of my time, notwithstanding the great distance, I still distinctly remember, and could easily enumerate many instances of the opposition of my heart unto every one of its precepts.
*5. For many years it is true, the sins of this part of my life were entirely out of my thoughts. But when God began to convince me of sin, even those I had long since forgotten, those that were of an older date than any thing else I could remember, and not attended with any such remarkable circumstances, as could be supposed to make a deep impression on my memory, were brought on my mind with unusual distinctness. Whence I cannot but observe: 1. What exact notice the holy God takes of what men pass over as pardonable follies. 2. How just reason we have to fear, that in the strokes we feel in riper years, God is “making us to possess the iniquities of our youth.” 3. What an exact register, conscience, God’s deputy, keeps; how early it begins; how accurate it is (even when it seems to sleep) and how it will justify his severity against sinners at the last day. O how far up will it fetch its accounts of those evils which we mind nothing of! When God shall open our eyes to discern those prints which he setteth upon the heels of our feet; when the books shall be opened, and the dead, small and great, judged out of the things that are written therein!
*6. When I review this first period of my life, what reason have I to be ashamed, and even confounded, to think I have spent ten years of a short life, without almost a rational thought, undoubtedly without any that was not sinful. And this being matter of undoubted experience, I have herein a strong confirmation of my faith, as to the guilt of Adam’s sin, and its imputation to his posterity: for, 1. From a child the bent of my soul was “enmity against God.” Nor was this the effect of custom or education, no; there was a sweet conspiracy of precept, discipline and example, to carry me the contrary way. Nor can I charge the fault of this on my constitution of body, or any thing that might in a natural way proceed from my parents. Yet was this enmity so strong as not to be supprest, much less subdued, by the utmost care, and the best outward means. This is undoubted fact. 2. To say, I was thus originally framed without respect to any sin chargeable on me, is a position so full of flat contrariety to all the notions I can entertain of God, to his wisdom, his equity, and his goodness, that I cannot think of it without horror. 3. Penal then this corruption must be, as death and diseases are. And whereof can it be a punishment, if not of Adam’s sin? While then these things are so plain in fact, and the deduction so easy from them, whatever subtle arguments any use against this great truth, I have no reason to be moved thereby.
7. Hence, lastly, I am taught what estimate to make of those good inclinations with which some are said to be born. Either they are the early effects of preventing grace; or, of education, custom, occasional restraints, and freedom from temptation. A natural temper may be easily influenced by some of these, and by the constitution of the body, to a distaste of those grosser sins which makes the most noise in the world. Yet all this is but sin under a disguise: and the odds is not great. The one sort of sinners promise good fruit, but deceive; whereas the openly profane forbid expectation. And yet of this last sort more receive the gospel than of the former. Verily I say unto you, the publicans and harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.
CHAPTER II.
An account of the next two years of his life.
1.IN May 1685, I went with my mother into Holland, and being in some danger while we were at sea, my conscience, till then asleep, began to awaken, and to be terrified with apprehensions of death. But all this concern was nothing more than natural fear, and a selfish desire of preservation. I was unwilling to die, and afraid of hell: it was not sin, but the consequence of it I wanted to escape. The glory of God I was not concerned for at all; and accordingly was the event. I promised, that were I at land, I would keep all his commands. My mother told me, it would not hold. But I was too ignorant of my own heart to believe her: I multiplied engagements, and doubted not but I should perform them. But no sooner was I fixed at Rotterdam, than I forgot all my promises and resolutions. The unrenewed heart being free from the force put upon it, fell again into its old course. Nay, I grew still worse: the corruption that stopped for awhile, now ran with greater violence. It is true, my awe for my mother, and the power of education, still restrained me from open sins. But to many secret things I was strongly inclined, and in many instances followed my inclinations: being a ready and easy prey to every temptation, notwithstanding all my engagements.
2. My sins here had this grievous aggravation, they were committed against greater light, and more of the means of grace, than I had ever before enjoyed. We had sermons almost every day, and were catechized every Saturday. My mother took care I should attend most of these, and at the same time, private duties, praying with me, and for me, and obliging me to read the scripture, and other useful books. But so far was all this from having its due effect, that I was weary of it, and went on in sin: though not without frequent convictions, occasioned sometimes by the remains of my education. Yet all these were only as the starts of a sleeping man, disturbed by some sudden noise: he stirs a little but soon sinks down again, faster asleep than before. I easily freed myself from them, either by promising to hear, or comply with them afterward, by withdrawing from the means of conviction, by extenuating my sins; or by turning my eye to some thing I thought good in myself, though God knows I had little which had even the appearance of it. At other times I looked to the tendency of these convictions, viz. the engaging me to be holy; and then I pored upon the difficulties of that course, till I had frighted myself from a compliance with them. If all these shifts failed, I then betook myself to diversions, which soon choaked the word, and all convictions from it.
3. In December 1686, upon the earnest desire of my father’s sister, married to the provost of Perth, I was sent home. While I stayed in this family, I saw nothing of religion; and I easily took the liberty they gave, and made fair advances towards rejecting the very form of it. My aversion to those sins, which through the influence of education I abominated before, sensibly weakened. My hate to learning increased, which I looked on as a burthen and a drudgery, worse than the basest employment. And many a sinful shift did I betake myself to, that I might get the time shuffled over. In spring my mother came to me. I was then so rooted in ill, that in spite of natural affection, I was grieved at her return; and when I first heard her voice, it damped me. I cared not to see her; nor was there any thing I disliked more than her conversation. I feared to be questioned as to what was past, or to be restrained from my sinful liberty. However, in the beginning of summer, my mother took me again to Rotterdam, and put me to Erasmus’s school there. Here, though I stayed not long, the method of teaching took with me, so that I began to delight in learning. But otherwise I was still worse and worse, under all the means God made use of to bring me to myself.
CHAPTER III.
Of the revival of his convictions, and their effects till 1690.
1.IN the beginning of Autumn 1687, we returned home, and fixed at Perth. Here I was immediately sent to school, and made more progress in learning than before. But as to religion, I continued as unconcerned about, and as averse from it as ever. However I behaved myself under my mother’s eye, when I was with my comrades I took my full liberty; and, notwithstanding my greater knowledge, ran with them into all the same follies and extravagancies. And thus I continued till toward the close of king James’s reign; when the fear of some sudden stroke from the Papists, of which there was every where a great noise, revived my concern about religion. Of this, being somewhat deeper than before, I shall endeavour to give a distinct account.
2. It was about this time that God by the preaching of the word, and by catechizing in publick and private, enlightened my mind farther with the notional knowledge of the law, and of the gospel. And then sin was left without excuse, and conscience being armed with more knowledge, its checks were more frequent and sharp, and not so easily evaded; some touches of sickness too rivetted in me the impressions of frailty and mortality, and the tendency of each of those numerous diseases, to which we are daily exposed. And hereby I was brought into, and kept under continual bondage through fear of death.
3. I was now cast into the most grievous disquietude, having sorrow in my heart daily. I was in a dreadful strait betwixt two, on the one hand, my fears gave an edge to my convictions of sin. This made me attend more to the word of God; the more I attended to it, they increased the more; and I saw there was no way to be freed from them, but by being thoroughly religious. On the other hand if I should engage in religion in earnest, I saw the hazard of suffering, perhaps dying for it. And this I could not think of. Betwixt both I was dreadfully tost, so that for some nights, sleep went from my eyes. There was often imprest on my fancy, one holding a dagger to my breast, with “Quit your religion or die.” And that so strongly, that I have almost fainted under it, being still terribly unresolved what to do. Some times I would let him give the fatal stroke; but then my spirits failed, and my heart sunk within me. At other times I resolved to quit my religion, and take it again when the danger was past. But neither could I find rest here. What thought I, if he destroy me afterward, and so I loose both life and religion? Or what if I die, before the danger is past, and so have no time to take it again.
[♦]4. For near a year, few weeks, nay, few days and nights, past over me without these struggles. But after King James’s army was overthrown, on July 27, 1689, I soon grew as remiss as before. All my remaining difficulty was to stifle my convictions, which I endeavoured partly by a more careful attendance on outward duties, partly by promising to abstain from those sins, which most directly crost my light, and partly by resolving to enquire farther into the will of God, and to comply with it hereafter.
[♦] “3.” replaced with “4.”
5. But these courses afforded no solid repose. The first sin against light or omission of duty, shook all, and I was confounded at the thoughts of appearing before God in such a righteousness. Indeed, I had some ease when trials were at a distance; but it vanished on their approach. This was not gold tried in the fire; nor would it abide so much as a near view of danger; but at the very appearance of a storm, the foundation fell away.
6. The effects of my being thus exercised were: 1. I was brought to doubt of the truths of religion. Whenever I would have built on them in time of distress, a suspicion secretly haunted me; “What if these things are not so? Have I a certainty and evidence about them, answerable to the weight that is to be laid upon them?” Death and the trouble attending it, were certain things: but I was not so certain of the truths of religion. Still when, under apprehensions of death, I would have taken rest therein, but my mind began to waver. Not that I could give any reason for it; but the way of the wicked is as darkness; they know not at what they stumble. 2. I found plainly hereby that I could never have peace, till I came to another sort of certainty about religion. Death I saw was unavoidable and might be sudden; nor could I banish the thoughts of it. Therefore I concluded, “Unless I obtain such a conviction of religion, and such an interest in it, as will make me look death in the face, not only without fear, but with joy; good it were I had never been born.” But how or [♦]where this was to be obtained I was utterly uncertain. Here I lay in great perplexity, under the melancholly sense that I had hitherto spent my money for that which is not bread, and my labour for that which profiteth not. 3. This perplexity was somewhat eased one day, while I was reading how Mr. Robert Bruce was in a doubt, even concerning the being of God, who yet afterwards came to the fullest satisfaction. I then felt a secret hope, “That sometime in one way or other, God might thus satisfy me.” Here was the dawning of a light, which though if it was not soon cleared up, yet was never wholly put out again. A light which though as yet it was far from satisfying, yet kept me from utter despair.
[♦] “were” replaced with “where” per Errata
7. About this time one Mr. Donaldson, a reverend old clergyman, preached at Perth, and coming to visit my mother, called for me, and asked me among other questions, “If I sought a blessing upon my learning?” I frankly answered, no. He replied, with a severe look, “Sirrah, unsanctified learning has done much mischief in the church of God.” This saying left so deep an impression on me ever after, that whenever I was any way straitened, I applied to God, by prayer for help in my learning, and pardon for not seeking it before. Yet as to the main, I was still afar off from God, and an enemy to him both in my heart and works.
CHAPTER IV.
Of the increase of his convictions, from Autumn 1690, till May 1693.
1.FOR the better advantage of my education my mother in 1690, removed with me to Edinburgh. I was now again put to school, and in November 1692, entered at the college. Here my knowledge of the law of God daily increased; and therewith my knowledge of sin. I saw more and more, that he was displeased with me for sins which formerly I had not observed. The impressions of my mortality were likewise rivetted in me by new afflictions, and I was more in bondage through the growing fear of death. Again the scriptures being now daily preached, forced me to some enquiry into my own sincerity in religion; and I was willing, provided I might save my bosom-idols, not only to hear, but to do many things.
2. I was now carried far in a form of religion. I prayed not only morning and evening, but at other times too: I wept much in secret: I read and meditated, and resolved to live otherwise than I had done. But this goodness too was as the morning cloud it was force and not nature: and therefore could not be expected to last any longer than the force which occasioned it.
3. While I was under this distress many a wretched shift did I betake myself to for relief. When I read or heard searching things; if any thing that was said seemed to make for me, I greedily catched hold of it. When I found somewhat required that I neither did, nor could even resolve to comply with; I thought to compound and make amends some other way. Or else I questioned, whether God had required it or no? Whether he that taught so was not mistaken? And whether I might not be in a state of salvation, without those marks of it which he assigned. Again, many times when I would not see, I quarrelled with ministers or books for not speaking plainly. Always I carefully sought for the lowest marks, and the least degrees of grace that were saving. For I designed but so much religion as would take me to heaven, the very least that would serve the turn. And when none of those shifts availed, I resolved in general, to do all that God commanded. But I soon retracted when he tried me in any particulars that were contrary to my inclinations. And when I saw I must do it, I begged a little respite: with St. Austin, “I was content to be holy, but not yet:” forgetting that a delay is, in God’s account, a refusal; since all his commandments require present obedience. After all ways were tried I blamed my education. I knew religion was a change of heart; but whether mine had undergone this change was the question: Now, thought I, “If I had not been educated religiously, but had changed all at once, it would have been more easily discernable.” Thus was I entangled in my own ways, and even seeking wisdom, I found it not.
4. Although I now seemed to have gone far; yet I was indeed wholly wrong. For being convinced of the necessity of righteousness, but ignorant of Christ, I sought it by the works of the law. Therefore the carnal mind, which was enmity against God, still continued in me: and all my struggles were only a toiling to and fro, between light and love of sin, wherein sin was still conqueror; for my bosom idols I could not part with. Beside the small religion I had, was not abiding, but rose and fell with the above mentioned occasions.
5. About this time Clark’s Martyrology came into my hands. I loved history and read it greedily. The patience, courage, and joy of the martyrs convinced me that there was a reality in religion, beyond the power of nature. I was convinced likewise that I was a stranger to it, because I could not think of suffering. And withal I felt some faint desires after it, so at least, as often to join in Balaam’s wish, Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end be like his.
6. At this time likewise God restrained me from many follies I was inclined to, by bodily infirmity. He provided me too with friends who were very tender of me. He fed me, though I knew him not. But so far was I from being thankful for these mercies, that my proud heart fretted at them. O what reason have I to say, The Lord is good even to the evil and unthankful.
CHAPTER V.
Of the straits he was in, and the course he took for relief, from May 1693, to August 1696.
1.THE air of Edinburgh agreeing neither with my mother nor me, in May 1693 she removed to St. Andrews. And here I came under the care of Mr. Taylor, a wise man, and one very careful of me. Thus chased as I was from place to place, God every where provided me with friends. And now by the searching ministry of Mr. Forrester, he began to give me some small discovery of the more spiritual evils of my soul. He opened to me first the pride of my heart, and the wickedness and injustice of valuing myself upon those deliverances from my own weakness, which had been wholly wrought by his own strength. I likewise saw the impiety of drawing near to him with my mouth, while my heart was far from him: and indeed of trusting to any outward performance, without the life of all, faith working by love.
2. This, added to what I was conscious of before, frequently [♦]threw me into racking perplexity; when finding no peace in my former evasions I resolved to enter into a solemn covenant with God; and having wrote and subscribed this, I believed all was right. I found a sort of present peace; amendment I thought sufficient atonement, and such an engagement I looked on as a performance. I now likewise often found an unusual sweetness in hearing the word, and sometimes the most piercing convictions. And these were indeed a taste of the good word of God, and of the powers of the world to come.
[♦] “through” replaced with “threw” per Errata
3. But the merciful God would not let me rest here: the peace I found by making this covenant, was soon lost by breaking it: at the same time my heart smote me for my old sins, by which I found former accounts to be still standing against me, which filled me with confusion and jealousies of these ways. I perceived too, something of the treachery of my engagements, and that my heart had not been found therein, but had secret reserves for some sins, which were then given [♦]up inward only. God also let loose some of my corruptions upon me; which as soon as his restraint was taken off, were more violent than ever, and bore down before them all that I had set in their way. By these means he discovered to me the fruitlesness of my covenant, and threw me afresh into the utmost confusion: while the evil I thought so effectually provided against, again came upon me.
[♦] “me in one word” replaced with “up inward” per Errata
4. Yet notwithstanding I felt the vanity of these ways, I still adhered to them. I again trusted my own heart, and hoped to recover by renewing the peace I lost by breaking my covenant. I laid the blame on some accidental defect in my former management, and thought, were that mended, all would be well. When I found something wanting still, I contrived to make it up with something extraordinary of my own, with the multiplication of prayers, or of some outward duty or other. But all these refuges failed, and my life was so throughly miserable while I was pursuing them, that had not the infinite mercy of God prevented, one of these effects had surely followed. Either, 1. The convictions I was under would have ceased, God giving over his striving with me, and then having attained to a form of godliness, I should have rested therein and looked no farther. Or, 2. If those convictions had continued, and I had been left to my own way, I should have laboured in the fire all my days, wearying myself with vanity, in a continual vicissitude of resolutions and breaches, security and disquietude: engagements and sins, false peace and racking anxiety, by turns taking place. Or, 3. When I had wearied myself in vain, I should have utterly given up religion, and gone over, if not to direct Atheism, at least to open prophaneness. Or, lastly, Being forced to seek shelter somewhere, and being so sadly disappointed in all the ways I tried, I had said, This evil is of the Lord, why wait I any longer? And so sunk in final despair. And in fact, I had some experience of all these. Sometimes I sat down with the bare form. Sometimes I wearied myself in running from one of these vain courses to another. At other times, finding no profit, I turned careless, and was on the point of throwing off all religion. And very often I was driven almost to distraction, and stood on the very brink of despair.
5. When I had been disappointed again and again, I was in the utmost perplexity to find where the fault lay. I found this way of covenanting with God mentioned in scripture, recommended by ministers, and approved by the experience of all the people of God. I could not tax myself with guile in doing it: I was resolved to perform the engagement I made. I made it with much concern and solemnity, and for some time kept it strictly. But though I could not then see where the failing was, I have since been enabled to see it clearly. 1. Being ignorant of the righteousness of God, I was still establishing a righteousness of my own: and though in words I renounced this, yet in fact I sought righteousness and peace, not in the Lord Jesus, but in my own covenants and engagements, so that I really put them in Christ’s room: and as to forgiveness of sins, my real trust was not in his blood, but in the evenness of my own walk. Therefore, I obtained not righteousness, because I still sought it, as it were by the works of the law. And it was evident I did so, by this plain sign; whenever I was challenged for sin, instead of recourse to the blood of Christ, I still sought peace only in renewing my vows again; the consent I gave to the law, was not from the reconcilement of my heart to its holiness; but merely from fear. The enmity against it continued: nor would I have chosen it, had that force been away. Farther, my eye was not single; provided I was safe, I had no concern for the glory of God. In a word, I engaged, before God had thoroughly engaged me. We may be in a sort willing, before he hath made us truly so. But the first real kindness begins with him: and we never love till his kindness draws us. Fear may indeed overpower us into something like it, as it did me. I was willing to be saved from hell: but not to be saved in God’s way, and in order to those ends he proposes in our salvation.
6. This was not my only trouble. I was now engaged in metaphysics and natural divinity; accustomed to subtil notions, and pleased with them; whence, by the just permission of God, the devil took occasion to cast me into doubts about the great truths of religion, especially the being of a God. I not only felt, as formerly, the want of evidence for it, but various arguments were suggested against it. But though the enmity of my heart against God was still great, yet he suffered me not to yield to them. There remained so much evidence of his being, in his works of creation and providence, as made me recoil at the terrible conclusion, aimed at by those arguments. And being likewise affected with deep apprehensions of the shortness and uncertainty of the present life, I dreaded a supposition that shook the foundations of any hope of relief, from the other side of time.
7. In this strait between light and darkness, as my disturbance was from my own reasonings, so from the same I sought my relief. By these I hoped to obtain establishment in the truth, and give answer to all objections against it. I therefore seriously set myself to search for demonstrative arguments: and I found them, but found no relief. The most forcible of them indeed extorted assent, by the absurdity of the contrary conclusion: but not giving me any satisfying discoveries of that God, whose existence they obliged me to own, my mind was not quieted. Nay, and besides, those arguments not dissolving contrary objections, whenever the light of them was removed, and those objections came again in view, I was again exceedingly shaken. I was like him, who reading Plato of the immortality of the soul, said, “While I read, I assent: but I cannot tell how; so soon as I lay down the book, all my assent is gone.”
8. I still hoped to attain what I had hitherto failed of, by some farther progress in learning: but all in vain: the farther I went, the greater was my disappointment; the more difficulties I continually met with, and found he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow. When this would not avail, then I spent my weary hours in vain wishes for some extraordinary discoveries. Nay, but if one rose from the dead, they will believe. And this, notwithstanding my disappointment I gained: I was somewhat beat from that towring opinion of my knowledge and abilities, which my first seeming success in philosophy gave me, and brought to a diffidence of myself.
9. But still my corruptions took daily root, and increased in strength by my weak resistance. Yet I had a fair form of religion: I avoided all those sins that plainly thwarted the light of my conscience. I abstained from those evils which even the more serious students gave into; and kept at a distance from the occasions of them. I was more exact in attending both public and private prayer, and not without some concern for my inward frame in them. When I was insnared into any sin or omission of any duty, I was deeply sorrowful. I had a kindness for all that feared God, and a pleasure in their converse, especially on religion. I had frequent tastes of the good word of God, which made me delight in approaching him. I had many returns to prayer; when under a deep sense of my impotence, I betook me to God in any strait, I was so remarkably helped, that I could not but observe it. Hereby God drew me gradually in, to expect every good gift from above, and encouraged the very faintest beginnings of a look toward a return.
10. But tho’ by these means I got a name to live, yet was I really dead. For, 1. My natural darkness still remained, tho’ with some small dawnings of light. 2. The enmity of my mind against the law of God was yet untaken away. I had not a respect unto all his commands, nor a sight of the beauty of holiness: neither did my heart approve of the whole yoke of Christ, as good and desirable; and I complied with it in part, not from a delight therein, but because I saw I was undone without it. 3. I yet sought righteousness as it were by the works of the law; I was wholly legal in all I did: not seeing the necessity, the security, the glory of the gospel-method of salvation, by seeking righteousness and strength in the Lord Christ alone. Lastly, my sole aim was to save myself, without any regard to the glory of God, or any enquiry how it could consist with it to save one who had so deeply offended. In a word, all my religion was servile, constrained, and anti-evangelical.
11. From the foregoing passages I cannot but observe, 1. What a depth of deceitfulness there is in the heart of man. How many shifts did mine use to elude the design of all those strivings of the Spirit of the Lord with me? I have told many, but the one half is not told. And all these respect but one point in religion. If a single man were to recount but the more remarkable deceits, with respect to the whole of his behaviour, how many volumes must he write? And if so many be seen, how many secret, undiscernable, or at least undiscerned deceits must still remain! So much truth is there couched in that short scripture, The heart is deceitful above all things: who can know it?
*I observe, 2. How far we may go toward religion, and yet come short of it. I had and did many things: I heard the scriptures gladly:—I was almost persuaded to be a Christian: I had escaped the outward pollutions that are in the world: yea, I seemed enlightened, and a partaker of the heavenly gift; having many times tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come. I had undergone many changes; but not the great change: I was not born of God: I was not begotten anew, and made a child of God through a living faith in Christ Jesus.
Again, I cannot but look back with wonder at the astonishing patience of God, which suffered my manners so long, and the steadiness he shewed in pursuing his work, notwithstanding all my provocations. All the creation could not have afforded so much forbearance: the disciples of Christ would have called for fire from heaven: yea, Moses would have found more here to irritate him than at Meribah. Glory be to God, that we have to do with him, and not with man. His ways are not as our ways, nor his thoughts as our thoughts: but as the heavens are high above the earth, so are his ways and thoughts of mercy above ours.
*Fourthly, I must bear witness to the reasonableness of God’s way. It did not destroy my faculties, but improve them. He enlightened my eyes to see what he would have me to do, and did not force but gradually persuade me to comply with it. This was not to compel, but gently bend the will, to the things that were really fit for it to incline to: nor did he ever oblige me to part with any sin, till he had let me see it was against my interest as well as duty: and the smallest piece of compliance with his will, wanted not even a present reward.
Lastly, Though this work was agreeable to reason, yet it was far above the power of nature. I cannot ascribe either its rise or progress to myself; for it was what I sought not, I thought not of; nay I hated, and feared and avoided, and shunned and opposed it with all my might. I cannot ascribe it to any outward means. There are many parts of it which they did not reach: and as to the rest, the most forcible failed; the weakest wrought the effect. Neither strong, nor weak had the same effect always. But the work was still carried on, by a secret and undiscernable power, like the wind, blowing where it listeth. It bore the impress of God in all its steps. The word that awakened me, was the voice of him who maketh the dead to hear, and calleth the things which are not, as though they were. The light that shone was, the candle of the Lord, tracing an unsearchable heart through all its windings. It was all the work of one who is every where, who knoweth every thing, and who will not faint or be discouraged, till he hath brought forth judgment unto victory. And it was all an uniform work, though variously carried on, through many interruptions, over many oppositions, for a long tract of time, by means seemingly weak, improper, contrary, suitable only for him whose paths are in the great waters, and whose footsteps are not known. In a word, it was a bush burning and not consumed, only by the presence of God. It was as a spark in the midst of the ocean, still kept alive, notwithstanding floods continually poured upon it. This was the Lord’s doing, and it is marvellous in our eyes.
PART II.
CHAPTER I.
Of the progress of his convictions and temptations.
1.I HAD now a design to go abroad: but on the advice of some friends, I laid aside that design, and engaged as chaplain to a family. Accordingly in August 1696, I went to the Wemyss. When I came hither, a stranger among persons of considerable quality, I was in a great strait, and cried to God for help. And though it was my own, more than his honour, I was concerned for, yet he, who would not overlook even Ahab’s humiliation, did not fail to assist me, so far as to maintain the respect due to the station I was in.
2. I had not been here long, when I was often engaged (and frequently, without necessity) in debates about the divinity of the scriptures, and the most important doctrines therein. This drew me to read the writings of Deists, that I might know the strength of the enemy. But I soon perceived, that these foolish questions and contentions were unprofitable and vain. For evil men and seducers will wax worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. And to my sad experience I found, that their word doth eat as doth a gangrene: so that happy is he who stops his ears against it!
3. The reading these was of dangerous consequence to one who was not rooted and grounded in the truth. Their objections I found struck at the foundations; they were many, new, and set off to the best advantage by the cunning craftiness of men practised in deceit. Nor was I acquainted with that vigilance and humble sobriety that were necessary for my defence against them. The adversary finding all things thus prepared, set furiously upon me. He wrought up first the natural atheism, darkness and enmity of my own heart, blasphemously to ask concerning the great truths of religion, “How can these things be?” To increase these doubts he employed some who had all the advantages of nature and education, persons smooth, sober, of generous tempers, and good understandings, to oppose the truth with the most plausible appearances of argument and reason. To all this he added his own subtil suggestions, “Hath God indeed said so?” And sometimes he threw in fiery darts, to enflame and disorder me; especially, when I was alone, or most seriously employed in prayer or meditation.
4. By all these ways he assaulted me, both as to the being of God, as to his providence, and as to the truth both of his revelation in general, and of many particulars contained in it. Sometimes he suggested the want of sufficient evidence; at other times, that it was obscure or hard. Yea, some parts of it were accused as plain blasphemy: some as contradictory to each other. The great mystery of the gospel was particularly set upon and represented as foolishness: and for fear of some or other of those suggestions, it was even a terror to me, to look into the bible.
5. The subtle enemy, who had so often before tempted me to pride, now pressed me to a bastard sort of humility. “How can such an one as you expect to remove difficulties, which so many abler men have sunk under?” By this I was brought into grievous perplexity. I sought relief from my own reasonings, from books, and even from prayer, but I found it not. Then I wished for some extraordinary revelation; and at last sat down with the sluggard, folding my hands, and eating my own flesh. My own reasonings availed not against him, who esteems iron as straw, and brass as rotten wood. All my books overlooked many of my scruples, and did not satisfy me as to the rest. And as to extraordinary expectations, God justly rejected them, seeing I would not hear Moses and the prophets. So that I had quite sunk under the weight of my trouble, and been swallowed up of sorrow and despair, had it not been for some little assistances which the goodness of God gave me, sometimes one way, sometimes another. When I was urged to reject the scriptures, it was often seasonably suggested, To whom shall I go? These are the words of eternal life. God powerfully convinced me, and kept the conviction strong upon my mind, that whenever I parted with revelation, I must give up all prospect of certainty or satisfaction about eternal life. The boasted demonstrations of a future happiness, built only on the light of nature, I had tried long ago, and found to be altogether weak and inconclusive; though had they been ever so conclusive, I had been not a whit the nearer satisfaction. For, to tell me of such a state, without an account of its nature, or the terms whereon it was attainable, was all one as if nothing had been said about it, and left my mind in equal confusion. Again, on a due observation of those who were truly religious, I could not but even then think them the better part of mankind; and my soul started at charging all the best of mankind with a lie in a thing of the greatest importance. On the other hand, God opened my eyes to see the unaccountable folly of those who had abandoned revealed religion. The scripture tells them plainly, they must do his will, if they would know whether the doctrine be of God. But they walk in a direct contradiction to his will; how then can they know of the doctrine? Nay, some sober, learned, and otherwise inquisitive persons, owned, that we are already miserable, if we are either cut off from the hopes of, or left at uncertainty about a future state of happiness. They owned likewise themselves to be thus uncertain, and yet were at little or no pains to be satisfied; yea, I found they rather sought for what might strengthen their doubts than remove them; which plainly shewed a hatred of the light.
6. I received further help from considering the lives, but more especially the deaths of the martyrs. When I considered the number, the quality, and all the circumstances of those who had been tortured, not accepting deliverance, I could not but own the finger of God, and the reality of religion. The known instances of its power over children in their tender years, appeared likewise of great weight; and I began to get frequent touches of conviction, whereby feeling the piercing virtue of his word, making manifest the secrets of my heart, I was forced to own God to be in it of a truth. Lastly, I found a secret hope begot and cherished I know not how, sometimes even amidst the violence of temptations, that as God had delivered others from temptations like mine, (though I doubted, if ever any had been so much molested as I) so he would deliver me at length; that what I knew not now, I should know hereafter: that my mouth should yet be filled with his praise: and that Satan’s rage shewed his time was but short.
7. Hereby I was enabled, not only to persevere, and with more earnestness, both in public and private duties, but also carefully to conceal all my straits from others, who might have stumbled at, or been hardened by them. I was unwilling others should know any thing that might disgust them at religion; Tell it not in Gath, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph. *In converse with such as were shaken, I still stood for the truth, as if I had been under no doubt about it. And I must own, that while I did so, God often gave me both success with others, and satisfaction in my own mind. How good a master is God! A word spoken for him is not lost: nor will he suffer the least service to be in vain. A Heathen Cyrus, yea Nebuchadnezzar himself, shall not work without his reward.
8. Before I proceed, I must observe the folly of reasoning with Satan; whenever I did so, he had still great advantage: he easily evaded all my arguments, and enforced his own suggestions: and even when they were not maintained by argument, he injected them so strongly, that I was not able to stand against them: our safest course is to hold him at a distance, and avoid all communion with him. *I must observe likewise, the wise providence of God, that the greatest difficulties against religion are hid from Atheists. None of the objections they make are near so subtle as those which were often suggested to me. Indeed they do not view religion near enough, to see either the difficulties, or the advantages that attend it. And the devil finding them quiet, keeps them so, not using force, where he can do his work without it. Besides, God, in his infinite wisdom, permits, not all these subtleties of hell to be published, in tenderness to the faith of the weak, which could not bear so severe an assault.
9. I lay under many inconveniences all this while. Most of the converse I had was with unholy men. I had no friend to whom I could impart my griefs with freedom, or any prospect of satisfaction. And the entire concealing my concern made it fasten more and more, and drink up my blood and spirits. I laid aside my studies; I could not pursue either business or diversion: I had no heart to any thing; I could not read, unless now and then a small portion of scripture, or some other practical book (except when, for a short space, there was an intermission of my trouble.) For near a year and a half I read scarce any thing; and this slothful posture laid me open to fresh temptations, and made my corruptions grow stronger still.
10. Yet even now, God minding his own work, by the means of his word, brought the law, in its spiritual meaning, nearer. And then I found more discernibly the stirrings of sin, which taking occasion from the commandment, and being fretted at the light let into my soul, wrought in me all manner of concupiscence. Hereby I was plunged into deeper guilt; My iniquities went over my head; and my conscience was so alarmed, that I found no rest in my bones by reason of my sin.
11. I still laboured for rest, either by extenuating my faults, pleading the strength of temptation, (sometimes not without secret reflections upon God) or by trying to persuade myself they were no faults at all. When all these failed, I made new vows and resolutions; and November 23, 1697, (a day I had set apart for fasting and prayer) I drew up a short account of my treacherous dealing with God from my youth up, and solemnly bound myself to him for the time to come.
12. But tho’ by this means I was kept from open pollutions; tho’ I was careful of outward duties; received the word with joy; watched against pride of heart, unbelief, and other spiritual evils; though I fasted, prayed, mourned, and was much in secret; yea, strove against all sins, even those I loved best; yet all this was only a form of religion, the power of which I was still a stranger to. I was a stranger to that blessed relief of sinners, faith imputed for righteousness. Though I professed to believe it, I was really in the dark, as to its glorious efficacy, tendency and design. Still my eye was not single; I regarded only myself, and not the glory of God. It was still by some righteousness of my own, in whole or in part, that I sought relief. Though I did part with my beloved sins, yet it was neither without reluctance, nor without some secret reserve. Lastly, My heart was utterly averse from all spiritual religion: and if I sometimes aimed at fixing my mind on heavenly things; yet it was soon weary of this forcible bent, and it seemed intolerable to think of being always spiritual.
13. I was now reduced to the last extremity. My sins were set in order before me, and had taken such hold upon me, that I was not able to look up. They were set in order in the dreadfulness of their nature and aggravations; my excuses baffled, and my mouth stopped before God. All the ways I had taken for my relief had deceived me; they were the staff of a broken reed; they pierced my arm when I essayed to lean upon them; and I was ashamed, and even confounded, that I had hoped. The wrath of God was likewise dropped into my soul, and the poison of his arrows drunk up my spirits. Add to this, that I was still unsatisfied about religion, and my enemies often told me, that even in God there was no succour for me. Yea, sometimes Satan, to entangle me the more, assaulted all the truths of religion at once; and then I was utterly confounded, when the Lord commanded that my enemies should close me in on every side.
14. By the extremity of this anguish, I was for some time, about the end of ninety-seven, and the beginning of ninety-eight, dreadfully cast down. I was weary of my life. Oft did I use Job’s words, I loath it, I would not live alway. And yet I was afraid to die. I had no rest; My sore ran in the day, and in the night time it ceased not. At night I wished for day, and in the day I wished for night. I said, My couch shall comfort me; but then darkness was as the shadow of death. I was often on the brink of despair. He filled me with bitterness, he made me drunk with wormwood. He removed my soul far from peace: I forgat prosperity. I said my hope and my strength are perished from the Lord. I wondered that I was not consumed; and though I dreaded destruction from the Almighty, yet I must have justified him if he had destroyed me. Thus I walked about dejected, weary and heavy laden: weary of my disease, and weary of my vain remedies; and utterly uncertain what to do next, or what course to take.
CHAPTER II.
Of his deliverance from these temptations.
*IT was in this extremity God stepped in; he found me wallowing in my blood, in a helpless and hopeless condition. I was quite overcome, neither able to fight nor fly, when the Lord passed by me, and made this time a time of love. Towards the beginning of February 1698, this seasonable relief came. I was then, as I remember, at secret prayer, when he discovered himself to me, when he let me see, that there are forgivenesses with him, and mercy, and plenteous redemption. He made all his goodness to pass, and he proclaimed his name, the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity, transgression and sin; who will be gracious to whom he will be gracious, and will shew mercy to whom he will shew mercy. This was a strange sight to one who before looked on God only as a consuming fire, which I could not see and live. He brought me from Sinai, and its thundrings, to mount Sion, and to the blood which speaketh better things than that of Abel. I now with wonder beheld Christ in his glory, full of grace and truth. I saw that he, who had before rejected all my offerings, was well pleased in the Beloved, being fully satisfied, not only that there is forgiveness of sins, through the redemption which is in Jesus; but also, that God by this means might be just in justifying even the ungodly that believe in him. How was I ravished with delight, to see that such mercy might consist even with his inflexible justice and spotless purity? And yet more, when he let me see, that to me, even to me, was the word of this salvation sent; that even I was invited to come, and take the water of life freely! Farther, he discovered to me his design in the whole, even that no flesh might glory in his sight: that he might manifest the riches of his grace, and be exalted in shewing mercy. And when this strange discovery was made, of a relief which made full provision both for God’s glory and my salvation, my soul was sweetly carried out to rest in it, as worthy of God, and every way suited to my necessity.
2. All these discoveries were conveyed to me by his word: not indeed by one particular passage, but by the concurring light of many of its testimonies and promises, seasonably set home, and plainly expressing those truths; thus I found it to be the power of God unto salvation. But neither was it his word alone; for the same passages I had read before, and thought upon, without any relief; but now the Lord shined into my mind by them. Before this I knew the letter only, but now the words were spirit and life; a burning light by them shone into my mind, and gave me not merely some notional knowledge, but an experimental knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. *And vastly different this was from all the notions I had before of the same truths. It shone from heaven: it was not a spark kindled by my own endeavours, but it shone suddenly about me: it came by a heavenly means, the word; it opened heaven, and discovered heavenly things; and its whole tendency was heavenward. It was a true light, giving true manifestations of the one God, and the one Mediator between God and man, and a true view of my state with respect to God, not according to my foolish imaginations. It was a distinct and clear light, not only representing spiritual things, but manifesting them in their glory, and in their comely order. It set all things in their due line of subordination to God, and gave distinct views of their genuine tendency. It was a satisfying light; the soul absolutely rested upon the discoveries it made: it was assured of them; it could not doubt if it saw, or if the things were so as it represented them. It was a quickening, refreshing, healing light. It arose with healing in its wings. It was a powerful light; it dissipated that thick darkness which overspread my mind, and made all those frightful temptations, that before tormented me, instantly flee before it. Lastly, It was a composing light; it did not, like a flash of lightning, fill the soul with fear and amazement; but it quieted my mind, and gave me the full and free use of all my faculties. I need not give a large account of this light, for no words can give a notion of light to the blind; and he that has eyes, (at least, while he sees it) will need no words to describe it. Proceed we, then, to its fruits, whereby the difference of it from all my former light will most evidently appear.
3. The first effect of it was an approbation of God’s way of saving sinners by Jesus Christ; as a way of relief in all respects suitable to the needs of a poor, guilty, self-condemned, self-destroyed sinner, who is at length beat from all other reliefs, and hath his mouth entirely stopped before God. In this I rested as a way full of peace and comfort, and providing abundantly for all those ends I desired to have secured. And this approbation discovered itself ever after in all temptations, by keeping up in me a settled persuasion, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. And when afterwards I was under temptations, it still kept me firm in an absolute determination utterly to reject all other ways of relief, whether I found present comfort in this or no. This was also my only sanctuary against guilt; let me be found in him, not having mine own righteousness. And whenever God gave me a fresh beam of this light, all difficulties vanish’d away; then I rejoiced in Christ Jesus, and nothing was able to disturb me while it lasted; and ever after I was then only pleased, when I found my soul, in some measure, moulded into a compliance with the design of the gospel, emptied of myself, subjected to God, and careful to have him alone exalted.
4. A second effect of this discovery was, my eye began to be single, looking in all things, to the glory of God. I now desired that he alone, (which before I had no real concern for) might be glorified in my life, or by my death. I saw that shame and confusion belonged to me and to him only the whole glory of my salvation. I watched over the most secret [♦]actings of pride, labouring to renounce it utterly, looking on it as my grand enemy, on which I was always to have an eye, and counting the power it still had, my greatest affliction. I never found comfort, but when this idol was discernably abased; and when ever this light shone in proportion to its clearness and continuance, the power of this was weakened in my soul, and I sought not myself but Christ Jesus.
[♦] “actions” replaced with “actings” per Errata
5. A third effect of this light was with respect to his commandments, which I now saw were not grievous, but right concerning all things. I own’d his yoke to be easy, and his burden light. Amidst all temptations I knew the law was holy, just and good; I perceived too, that it was exceeding broad, extending even to the lightest motion of the heart. The duties I was most averse from before were now easy, pleasant, and refreshing. I saw a peculiar beauty in those laws in particular that crossed the sins which had the firmest rooting in my temper. None were so hateful to me; for none did I loathe myself so much; none was I so glad of a victory over. My mind was continually engaged in contrivances for their ruin, which formerly, I still sought to spare. And would God have given me my choice, to have the laws against them blotted out, he knows I should not have chose it, and that I should have thought his law less pleasant and less perfect, had these prohibitions been wanting. I took pleasure in others only so far as there appeared in them any thing of an humble, self-denying conformity to his law, and had a fix’d dislike of the least inconformity thereto, either in myself or others. In a word I saw, that if I could reach holiness I should have pleasure, and peace, and liberty; that all wisdom’s ways, were ways of pleasantness; nor was any thing insupportable to me, but that remaining unsubdued corruption that would not stoop to put its neck under her yoke.
*6. A fourth effect of it was a right sorrow for sin, flowing from a deep sense of my ingratitude, to provoke such a God, who had prevented and still followed me with so much mercy. And this sorrow filled my heart with love to God, and his way, sweetened my soul, and endeared God to it. And the more God manifested his kindness, the more it increased; when he was pacified, I was ashamed and confounded; nor was it a burdensome, but a sweet and pleasant sorrow, as being the exercise of filial gratitude. This sense of my unkindness, when kept within, covered me with blushes; and I was eased, when God allowed me to vent my sense of it, and to pour it, as it were into his bosom. It was likewise a spring of activity in the way of duty. I was glad to be employed in the meanest work, which might shew how deeply sensible I was of my former disobedience. It was not as my late sorrow, pregnant with pride, stiffness and unwillingness to suffer any chastisement; but it humbled, softened the soul, and made it willing to bear the indignation of the Lord, since I had sinn’d against him. In a word, I was glad when God gave me my measure of it, and grieved when I found it wanting, and I cried to the Prince exalted for it, as a necessary help to the obeying his whole law.
7. A fifth effect of this light, was a comfortable hope of salvation, rising in strength, or growing more weak, as the discoveries of the way of salvation, were more or less clear and strong. I knew I could not fail of salvation, otherwise than by missing this way. Sometimes I doubted of myself, but not of the way; so far as I walked in it, I was sweetly satisfied that my expectation should not be cut off. And as this light shewed salvation in a way of self-denial, and trust only in the Lord, nothing so shook this hope, as the least stirring of pride. As this sight of the glory of the Lord always filled me with shame, so the deeper my humiliation the stronger was my confidence. And so far was this assurance from begetting negligence, that it could not consist with it. To intermit or neglect duty, razed the foundation, or at least, laid an insurmountable stop in the way of its progress.
8. Many other effects there were, too long to repeat at large. I felt a new and formerly unknown, love to all who seemed to have any thing of the image of God, though known only by report; and this evidenced itself in prayer for them, and sympathy with them in their afflictions. Again, I found my care of all God’s concerns enlarged, and I desired more and more, that he might be exalted upon earth. I was grieved at any loss his interest sustained, and zealous for his glory. To conclude, I found this light sweetly drawing me to a willing, chearful endeavour after holiness in all manner of conversation. Thus were all things in some measure become new; and I who a little before, with the goaler, had fallen down trembling, was now raised, and set down to feast with the disciples of the Lord, rejoicing and believing.
PART III.
CHAPTER I.
Of the pleasure of this state; the mistakes attending it, and the way of their discovery.
1.THIS glorious discovery was very surprising: oft I stood and wonder’d what this strange sight meant. The greatness of the things God [♦]had done surpassed belief; and yet the effects would not suffer me to doubt of them. Not that I distinctly observed them at the very first; the glory of the Lord was then so great, that for a time I fixed my eyes on that, and was less intent on the change which it wrought in me. Again, I was the less exact in observing them then, because of the darkness still remaining in me. I clearly saw the mystery of free justification through Christ, and peace by his blood: but I was still sadly ignorant of many of the most important things relating even to that mystery: as the daily application of that atonement, and the use of Christ with respect to sanctification, What therefore God did at this time I knew not now, but hereafter, when the Comforter had further instructed me in the gospel, as my exigencies required: then, at length, I saw distinctly the work of God, and what he had done for me.
[♦] “hath” replaced with “had” per Errata
2. This discovery could not but be full of ravishing sweetness, considering the state wherein it found me. I was condemned by God and my own conscience, and under pressing fears of a present execution of the sentence. When the labours of the day required that I should sleep, and my body wasted with the disquiet of my mind, yet I was afraid to close my eyes lest I should wake in hell, and durst not suffer myself to sleep, till I was beguiled into it I knew not how. Was it strange, that the hopes of pardon were sweet to one in such a condition, whereby I laid down in safety and quiet rest, while there was none to make me afraid? A little before, the waters compassed me about, even to the soul! the deep closed me round about, I went down to the bottoms of the mountains, and said, I am cast out of God’s sight. Now, was it any wonder that such an one should rejoice, when brought into a garden of delights and set down under the refreshing rays of the sun of righteousness? And the things he discovered to me here were not only altogether new and such as I was utterly unacquainted with before; but also glorious in themselves. It was the glory of the Lord that shone round about me; and I saw such things as eye hath not seen, beside thee, O God. In a word, what I saw was (what the angels desire to look into) the mystery of godliness, the wonders of God’s law, and the unsearchable riches of his mercy.
3. This discovery was of longer continuance, and far brighter than any I have had since: it shone in its glory for ten days; nor was it quite gone for a long time after; and while it lasted, new discoveries were daily made. God carried me from one thing to another, and in this short space taught me more than I had learned by all my study in my whole life. Yea, he taught me the things I had learned before, in another, and quite different manner. Every day he instructed me out of the scriptures, walking and talking with me by the way, and opening them to me, which before was as a sealed book, wherein whatever I read was dark. Indeed all this time my mind was almost wholly taken up about spiritual things; and whatever occur’d in reading, meditation, converse, or daily observation, it (like a mold) cast into its own shape. All this while I was carried out to extraordinary diligence in duty. It was not as formerly, a burthen; but my heart was enlarged, so that I ran in the ways of God’s ordinances and commandments. And herein my soul often made me like the chariots of Aminadab, not easily to be stopped; sometimes to the disgust of these who did not taste the same ravishing sweetness which I enjoyed. But the life of all was, that God, by keeping his glory continually in my eye, kept me humble and self-denied all this while: seeing him I loathed myself. Beholding his glory I was in my own eyes as a grashopper, as nothing, less than nothing, and vanity. I gloried only in the Lord, rejoiced in Christ Jesus, and had no confidence in the flesh.
4. God had many gracious designs in this. I was sore broken and wounded, and he did this in tenderness; he bound up my wounds, he poured in oil, he made me a bed in my sickness. He watched me, and kept me from disturbance, till I was somewhat strengthened. I had been plunged into grievous and hard thoughts of him, as if he has forgotten to be gracious. Nor was I easily induced to believe good tidings; yea, though it was told me, I could not believe, till I had a clear sight of the waggons and provisions, and then my spirit revived. God in deep condescension, satisfied me that he was real, and had no pleasure in my death; and that the wound was not incurable, that it was not the wound of an enemy, or the stroke of a cruel one, but the wound of a friend in order to healing. He was now to make me sell all for that goodly pearl; and that I might be satisfied with my purchase, he let me see both what I was to leave, and what I was to obtain. Again, he knew what a wilderness I was to go through, and therefore fed me before I entered into it. Lastly, He designed to give me something which might be a stay in all succeeding trials. And often since, when my soul has been in heaviness, have I been cheared by the remembrance of it.
5. But, alas! I understood not this: I fancied this world would last always; I talked of building tabernacles here, and knew not I was to come down from the mount, and that my Lord would depart from me again. I dreamed not of learning, or having occasion for war any more; I expected no more to fight with my corruptions, but thought the enemies, which appeared not were dead, and that the “Egyptians were all drowned in the sea.” Accordingly I projected to tie myself up to such a bent, and to stint myself to such a method of living, as neither our circumstances and temptations, nor our duty in this world allows of. I could not endure to read those books which were really necessary to be read, and all the time I spent in them seemed lost. Yea, I began to grudge the time which my body absolutely required for sleep or other refreshments. Thus the devil secretly drove from one extreme to the other, knowing well, that I should not rest here, and that he could easily throw me back from this into the first, of assuming too great a latitude. I began likewise to reckon this enlargement of heart as my due, and as more mine own than it really was. And I looked on the stock I already had as sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties; and saw not, that the grace, which was sufficient for me, was yet in the Lord’s hand.
6. But now God began to undeceive me; he gave me a thorn in the flesh to humble me, and a messenger of Satan was sent to buffet me, who soon made me feel the fury of his temptations. Hereupon I fell into deep perplexity; I began to question the truth of former manifestations, to doubt of my own perseverance; yea, sometimes to quarrel secretly with God, as if he had beguiled me. I tried many ways, to escape; I thought upon God; I complained to him; I sought for the causes of my affliction; I essay’d to shake myself, and to go forth to duty as before; but alas! the Lord was departed from me; and the enemy, which lay in my bosom, had discovered my secret, and shorn me of my strength.
7. Yet I could not but see, when I recovered myself a little, after the violence of my conflict, that things were better with me now at my worst case, than formerly at my best. God frequently shewed me something of his power and glory; he open’d a scripture, and made my heart burn within me, or unfolded my case, and told me all that was in my heart; or let me see my desire upon my enemies. Sometimes he gave me access unto him, and made me come even to his seat, and pour out my heart before him. And when at the lowest, I was otherwise affected to Christ than before; my soul still longed after him; I essay’d to stretch out the withered hand, and wished for the command that would impower me to lay hold of him. I refused to go any where else, but resolved to wait on him, and to trust in him, even though he should slay me. And as to his law, though I could not run in it, my will was still toward it; I had no quarrel to it, but to myself; I breathed after conformity with it; I delighted therein after the inward man. And as to sin, though I was sometimes driven to it, this was just such a forced consent as before I gave to the law. Though it prevailed, my heart was not with it as before; I found another sort of opposition to it; and if ever it gained a victory, I was the more enraged against it. Lastly, This coldness was now a preternatural state: I cried daily, When wilt thou receive me? I loathed myself for it; I could not rest in it; I wearied myself with essaying to break my prison: I looked back to former seasons, and said, O that it were with me as in months past!
CHAPTER II.
Of his fresh strugglings with sin; its victories; and the cause of them, and God’s goodness with respect to this trial.
1.FINDING my enemies had gained great advantage over me, by the security into which I was fallen, though I was unwilling to fight, yet upon their appearance I tried what weapons would be most successful. I objected to them, that now I was engaged to the Lord; I reasoned with them: I prayed against them. Nor could I then see, whence it was that they prevailed: but God hath since shewn me several reasons of it. I laid too much stress on the grace I had already received; I was not sufficiently watchful: the enemy put me on vain work; where the sin lay not in the thing itself, but in the degree of it, there he set me upon renouncing it in the gross, and rooting out what was in itself lawful. Of this I had many instances with respect to my passions, and worldly employments, and converse with sinful people. I still neglected some means of God’s appointment, under pretence of difficulties and inconveniences, and so prevented his blessing upon the rest. I was sometimes not single in my aims: I wanted a victory which would ease me of the trouble of watchfulness, I was weary of a fighting life, and desired to conquer, that I might be at rest. Lastly, when I was not quickly heard, I did not persevere in prayer, for grace to help in time of need.
2. Yet was God even then exceeding merciful to me: he kept me from giving quite over: when I had many times gone furthest into temptations, yet he came in with seasonable help; and frequently, when I was hard prest, he so cleared up to me my own sincerity, as emboldened me to appeal to him, which left me at liberty, under this new encouragement, vigorously to oppose all my enemies.
3. And God has since let me see, what gracious designs he carried on by these trials. Hereby he taught me, that all Christians must be soldiers; that our security as to future temptations does not lie in grace already received, but in having our way open to the throne of grace; that God deals it out in the proper seasons, whereof he alone is able to judge;[¹] that the covenant of grace doth not promise entire freedom from sins of infirmity, nor even from wilful sins, otherwise than in the constant, as well as careful use, of all the means which he hath appointed. Hereby too he let me see, how displeased he was for my cleaving to sin so long. The sins that now frequently cast me down were those I sought to spare before. God cried often to me, to part with them, and I would not hear; and now God would not hear when I cried against them. Hereby also he discovered the riches of that forgiveness that is with him, that it reaches sins of all sorts, multiplied relapses not excepted. He that requires us to forgive seventy times seven, will not do less himself. And finally, he fitted me hereby to compassionate, and to comfort others also who were tempted.
4. During all this time, besides sins of infirmity, my corruptions did sometimes bear me down to relapses, both into omissions of duties, and commission of known sins. And these being sins against light, love, and all sorts of engagements, lay heavy upon my conscience. I was much perplexed about them, my bones were broken, my spirit wounded exceedingly.
5. At some times, indeed, I was for a while hardened by the deceitfulness of sin, and senseless; at other times my heart instantly smote me, and I was immediately after my fall stirred up to the exercise of repentance. But sooner or later God set my sins in order before me, either by some outward or inward affliction (often so remarkably chosen, that the sin was wrote upon the punishment) or by his word, or his holy Spirit in his ordinances, which told me all that I had done.
6. Then was my soul troubled with fear and shame, and a sense of his anger, by which Satan often sought to drive me to despair. But God graciously brake the force of this temptation, sometimes by distant discoveries of forgiveness; sometimes by reminding me of his former kindness, or shewing me the fatal issue of casting away my confidence. *And when the temptation was most violently urged, I thought it no time to dispute, but allowed the worst the tempter could suggest, and then laid my case, in all its aggravations, to the extensive promises of the covenant. “Be it granted, said I, that I am but an hypocrite: that I never obtained pardon: that I am the chief of sinners; that my sins have such aggravations as the sins of no other man ever had;” yet the blood of Christ cleanseth from all sin, and he came to save the chief of sinners.
*7. When I had got thus far, I got up again as I could, and sought him in all the duties of his appointment. Nor was it long (if I humbly and patiently continued in this way) before I found him, as at the first. He set my sin, in all its aggravations, before me; he led me up to original sin, the source of all: he cut off all excuses, and left me self-convicted, owning that any punishment on this side hell would be mercy. Then he stepped in, and made a gracious discovery of the fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness. He drew my soul to close with, and with trembling to lay stress upon it. Having by this look drawn my eyes to look at him again, while I looked, my soul melted into tears; my heart, before bound up, was loosed; and my lips, before closed, were opened. While he thus answered me, and I could scarce believe the news, he created peace by the fruit of his lips, and as it were forced it upon my soul, and shed abroad his love in my heart.
8. Before I conclude this head, I must observe, 1. That sometimes this work was wrought gradually; sometimes all at once, and in a moment. 2. Sometimes I sought peace long before I obtained it; sometimes God surprized me immediately upon my sin, before I had thought in the least what I had done, and gave me such a look as made me weep bitterly. And when it was thus, it pierced through my soul, filling me with the deepest loathing of my [♦]sin, and the highest wonder at the riches, freedom, and astonishing sovereignty of his grace.
[♦] “soul” replaced with “sin” per Errata
9. There was a great difference as to the continuance of these impressions, and likewise as to the degrees of them. At some times, my convictions and humiliations were deeper, and my faith and hope far clearer than at others. But amidst all these accidental differences, the substance of the work was always the same. I would observe, lastly, That the most terrible enemies are not the most dangerous. While I was attacked by plain sins, I was easily convinced and alarmed at them, which was attended with all these happy effects; whereas I have been since assaulted by less discernible evils, sins under the mask of duties; and these secretly devour the strength, and are [♦]with difficulty discovered in their exceeding sinfulness.
[♦] inserted word “with” per Errata
*I must not pass over without notice, that when I first felt forgiveness of sins, I was much exercised with, and troubled for, sins of infirmity and daily incursion: of this I shall give a more distinct account. 1. When God manifested himself, his enemies fled before him: they received a stunning stroke, and vanished away at the brightness of his appearing. He, for a time bore down corruption, chained up Satan, and kept me from any, the least disturbance from them. 2. It was some time before my stronger enemies appeared again; presumptuous sins did not soon approach me; I first found the remaining power of sin only by the invasion of sins of daily infirmity, particularly deadness in prayer. 3. Hereupon I began to be much discouraged, neither understanding my present state, nor the provision made for the case in the covenant of grace, by a daily application of the blood of [♦]atonement. 4. When my fond expectation was disappointed, I at first essayed to humble myself distinctly for each of these transgressions. But finding my whole time would not suffice for this, I was obliged to go with them all at once, and plunge into the fountain opened for sin, and for uncleanness. I took a view of myself defiled by innumerable evils, and under a sense of them cast myself on the glorious atonement, and relied for the cleansing me from them all on that blood which cleanseth from all sin. 5. To clear this matter yet further, I observe, that the light which first discovered this plenteous redemption, tho’ variously clouded, yet was never quite lost. A child of light is never in utter darkness. He has, indeed, a summer’s sun, that shines longer, brighter, and warmer; and his winter’s sun, which shines more faintly. He has fair and rainy days; he has a changeable intercourse of day and night: but light more or less, there is always.
[♦] “attonement” replaced with “atonement”
10. Upon the whole, we may remark, 1. That we may heal our wounds slightly; but it is God’s prerogative to speak solid peace. 2. That considering our unbelief, and pride of heart, it is not easy to win a sinner to believe, that the forgiveness, which is with God, is able to answer all necessities. And when the soul is in some measure satisfied with this and willing to come to God daily for grace and mercy, it is not easy to keep up either a due abhorrence of sin, or a due sense of that boundless mercy. *Yea, here lies one of the greatest secrets of practical godliness, and the highest attainment in close walking with God, to come daily and wash, and yet retain as high a value for this discovery of forgiveness, as if it were only to be had once, and no more. The more we see of it, the more, doubtless, we ought to value it; whereas on the contrary, unless the utmost care be used, our hearts turn formal, and count it a common thing. I observe, [♦]3. That the joy of the Lord is then only to be retained, when we walk tenderly and circumspectly: being inconsistent not only with any gross sin, but with any remissness of behaviour. And, lastly, That when I was at the lowest ebb, I have often recovered myself by thankfulness. If you ask, What I had then to be thankful for? I answer, I began thus: “What a mercy is it I am out of hell! Blessed be the Lord for this.” Again: “What a mercy is it, that he hath given me to see, and thank him for that mercy! Blessed be the Lord for this likewise.” And thus I have gone on, till he hath led me to a sense of his love, and restored comfort to my soul.
[♦] “5.” replaced with “3.”
[♦]CHAPTER III.
[♦] “PART” replaced with “CHAPTER”
A more particular account of his preceding doubts, concerning the being of God, and deliverance from them.
1.I BEFORE mentioned the trials I had about the being of a God, almost as soon as I had any concern about religion. But at first I had no arguments, urged against it: only seeing this was the hinge on which all religion turned, I found myself at a loss for evidence so clear and strong, and convincing, as I thought necessary, with respect to a truth, whereon so much weight was to be laid. I said, “Very great things are demanded of me, and I am called to hope for great things; but, before, I trust so far, I would know more of that God, in whom I am to trust.”
2. But afterwards, when I was more estrang’d from God, and intent upon abstract subtleties, the devil took his opportunity, and said daily, “Where is now thy God?” He then triumph’d, “Where is now that mouth, with which thou hast so often reproached Atheists?” These are the arguments they have; come forth then, try thy strength, and fight them.
3. Hereupon a sharp conflict began, in which I used various ways. Sometimes I rejected his suggestions, and refused them a hearing. Sometimes I tried to answer his arguments; but the longer I stood arguing the case, I was always at the greater loss. Then I would wish for a discovery of God himself; O that I knew where I might find him! Whence the enemy failed not to infer, “If there was a God he would help one, who was thus standing up for him, in such a strait.” Sometimes I prayed, and though Satan urged me with the unreasonableness of praying till I was sure there was a God; yet I always thought, “If there be one, he can best satisfy me as to his own being.”
4. And he did satisfy me in part. 1. By clear discoveries of the tendency of these temptations, viz. To cast reproach on all the best and wisest of men, and to destroy the foundations of all human happiness. 2. By some glimpses of his glory, even in the works of creation. 3. By some beams of light from his word; and more than once, in particular, by suggesting to my mind, with power, that answer of the three children, O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our God, whom we serve, is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand. But if not, be it known unto thee, O King, that we will not serve thy God, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.
5. But yet I was not fully relieved; nothing but a discovery of God could give a full defeat to Satan. But considering I was then an unhumbled enemy, God could not have appeared otherwise than as an enemy; and this my nature could not bear, I could not have thus seen his face and lived. Wherefore he led me another way; he discovered sin to me first, and thereby broke the force of the temptation; and having humbled me, he then discovered himself in his glory in Christ Jesus.
*6. This it was which gave me full satisfaction, while God commanded this light to shine on my mind, I could not desire a clearer proof of his being; all his enemies fled before it: all the mountains of opposition shook at the presence of the Lord, and were carried into the midst of the sea. I had now manifold evidences of this glorious truth. I had, 1. The evidence of sight: by the eye of faith I saw the glory of God as represented in the word, shining with the clearest lustre: it not only convinced me of its own reality, but that, in a manner, nothing else was real. This sight gave me more consistent, becoming notions of God, his nature and attributes, than ever I attained before, and so shook the very foundations of those doubts which flowed purely from my ignorance of his nature. 2. I had the evidence of the ear; I heard him speak, and his voice sufficiently distinguished itself from the voice of any creature. He first spoke terror to me from Sinai; and when my soul was as the troubled sea, he said unto it, “Peace, be still, and there was a great calm.” His words had light and power peculiar to God with them, both when he spoke for me and against me: they made me taste and see that the Lord is good, and that blessed is he that trusteth in him. All my objections were solv’d. As to the seeming inconsistency of his attributes, at the time that he condescended to shew me his back-parts, he satisfied me, that no man can behold his face. He gave me a view of his incomprehensibility, which silenced all those suggestions. And as to the seeming disorders in his government, a plain answer was, He giveth account to none; his way is in the sea; his paths in the great waters, and his footsteps are not known.
CHAPTER [♦]IV.
[♦] “II” replaced with “IV”
A more [♦]particular account of his preceding doubts concerning the holy scriptures, and deliverance from them.
[♦] “particlar” replaced with “particular”
1.THIS temptation, as observed before, did not attack me so soon as the former; but it was managed in much the same way. Sometimes my mind only hung in suspence, for want of a sufficient evidence. Sometimes I was strangely harrassed with multiplied objections, either by the books I read, the enemies of the word, with whom I conversed, or by Satan, whose suggestions were far the most subtle, and most perplexing of all.
2. This trial was more grievous than even the former. These objections were equally destructive of all religion, and were far more numerous, more plausible, and entertained by persons of a fairer character. Besides, the evidence of this truth lay farther from the reach of an unenlightened mind.
3. I tried many ways to escape; besides prayer, and attending public ordinances, I read many books writ in defence of the scriptures. And this wanted not its use; I got a rational conviction of the truth, and so was emboldened to plead for it against his enemies; and I found answers to many particular objections, which encouraged me to wait for full satisfaction. But that I found not yet: this being but the wisdom of men, had not power to silence temptations, to enlighten me to see the evidence of God in his word, or to give a relish for it to an indisposed soul.
4. God began to break the force of this temptation, when his word fastened a sense of guilt on my soul: though this rather extorted an assent than induced to a chearful acquiescing therein, as coming from God. But when he gave me that light which repelled all temptations, which revived and comforted a soul bowed down before, I instantly closed with his word as the word of life; I rejoiced as one that had found a hid treasure; I was sweetly satisfied, that it came from him; and that by many evidences: for,
First, All discoveries of guilt were made by it. God by this spoke in my ear, sins which none save he who searcheth the heart, could know, which I knew not, nor any creature else. By it the secrets of my heart were manifest, so that I was compelled to own, that God was in it of a truth; I could not but cry out, “Come, see a book which told me all that ever I did. Is not this the book of God?”
Secondly, All the discoveries he made of his anger were made by the holy scriptures; it was by them that his wrath was dropt into my soul, and revealed from heaven against me. It was by the same that he let in upon my soul the glorious discovery of his being, attributes, and his whole will concerning my salvation by Jesus Christ. By the same he conveyed all those quickening, converting, transforming, supporting, composing influences, and let me see the other wonders of his law; excellent things in counsel and knowledge. By this he was pleased to reveal the craft, the power, the actings, and the designs of my enemies; his own designs in my trials, and something of his secret designs in many of his public administrations.
*Thirdly, As all these influences and discoveries were conveyed by his word, so by the peculiar light and power that attended them, he evidenced that his name was there. It taught, not as the greatest, the wisest, the best of men; but with another sort of authority and weight; it spake as never man spake. Whatever it said, my conscience stood to. When it challenged me for what I knew not to be faults, no defences availed; I was scarce sooner accused than arraigned, convicted, condemned. In like manner when God hereby spoke peace, he created it. The dead heard, and the hearer lived. Temptations after it spoke not again. When I was self-destroyed, self-condemned, and cast hereby into the greatest agony; yet whenever he sent his word, it healed me; my soul was commanded to be at peace, and there ensued a glorious calm.
5. And [♦]whereas my enemies had often asked me, how I could distinguish the real among so many pretended revelations? God himself now gave me a reply: The prophet that hath a dream, let him tell a dream; and he that hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. What is the chaff to the wheat, saith the Lord? Is not my word like as a fire? And like a hammer, that breaketh the rock in pieces? Jeremiah xxiii. 28, 29. And he was pleased particularly to speak those things, whereat I had stumbled, to my soul, which both humbled me for my former unbelief, and encouraged me to hope, that I should know other things hereafter which I understood not now. Again he satisfied me as to many things, that the time of knowing them was not yet; and that when he saw the proper season to be come, he would shew me plainly of them. He let me see his wisdom and goodness in thus training me up to dependance, for learning of him what I knew not; and shewed me that it was my duty to meditate in his law day and night, and to search the scriptures with all humility; since the secret of the Lord is only with those that fear him, and he will shew none but them his covenant.
[♦] “wheareas” replaced with “whereas”
6. When after this I read the scriptures, and found not that powerful light shining with that warming, quickning, dazzling glory, yet I found an habitual light in my soul, whereby I could almost every where discern part of the glory of the Lord; and by this I was over-awed, and brought still to regard them as the word of God. A light was still reflected on the whole scripture; and I was ordinarily enabled to perceive, how worthy of him, and like himself, every thing was which I read there, and by this abiding light I was capable of discerning therein discoveries of the actings of sin and grace, with a penetration and exactness beyond the reach of any, save, the omniscient and only wise God.
CHAPTER V.
Of some other temptations, and his deliverance from them.
1.I BEFORE shewed that when I was in doubt about the holy scriptures, the devil often suggested to me, “how can you expect satisfaction in these things, when men of so much greater abilities have sought it in vain?” And this suggestion was often so violently urged, that I had no spirit left in me.
2. But when God discovered himself to me in his own light, the force of this temptation was utterly broken; though I had not a particular sight of the weakness of it till I read (some time after) the three first chapters of the first epistle to the Corinthians: the substance of what God then shewed me was,
First, That his great design in the method of salvation he had chosen, was to stain the pride of all human glory, that no flesh might glory in his sight, but he that glorieth might glory in the Lord. Secondly, That a vain ambition to be wise above what God allowed, was the spring and chief part of our apostacy from God; and still vain man would be wise; the Jews ask a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom. Thirdly, That in order to the attainment of the foregoing design, and to the recovery of man from his apostacy it was plainly necessary, that his ambition, being a flat opposition to his design, and a principal part of his corruption, should be removed. It was requisite, That God should destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring to nought the understanding of the prudent. Fourthly, God to vindicate his own wisdom, reproached by this vain ambition of man, to fix an eternal blot on human wisdom, and to discover his holy severity in punishing this ambition, with the other wickednesses of vain man, suffered, for many ages, all nations to walk in their own ways, and to try whether they were better than God’s ways; whether they could supply the defects which they fondly imagined God had made them with, or relieve themselves from the misery of their apostacy, and the event answered the design of his wisdom and justice, and the desert of them who made the attempt. For after the fruitless endeavours of four thousand years, The world by wisdom knew not God. They missed the mark, their foolish hearts were darkened; seeking to be wise, they became fools; instead of getting their eyes opened to see more than God allowed, they could see nothing but their own nakedness; and so imperfect were their discoveries even of that, they imagined fig-leaves would cover it. Fifthly, after they had spent the time allotted for shewing the vanity of their own wisdom; God, in the depth of his compassion stepped in to their relief; and in order thereto, was pleased to pitch upon a way quite opposite to all wisdom of foolish man. He chose not the enticing words of man’s wisdom, or eloquence; it was not suitable to the truth of God, to use that mean art, whereby the judgments of men are led blindfold in subjection to their passions. He made no choice of artificial reasonings, the other eye of human wisdom. It did not become the majesty of God to dispute men into a compliance with his will. And although he wrought signs to awaken the attention of a drowsy world, to gain respect to his ambassadors, to strengthen the faith of weak believers, and to cut off every plea from unbelief: yet he chose not them chiefly to convert and recover the world, being unwilling so to derrogate from his word, as if the word of God were not, upon its own evidence, worthy the acceptation of all rational creatures. Sixthly, God having rejected all these, made use of the foolishness of preaching: that is, a plain declaration of his will in his name, in the demonstration of the spirit and power, by men commissioned by him for that purpose. Now this was a means every way worthy of God. Man had believed the devil rather than God; the devil seemed to have gained a great advantage, by persuading man in his integrity to credit him and discredit God. God now cast back the shame on him, by engaging fallen man to renounce the devil, and give up Satan and all that adher’d to him. And further to manifest his design, as he made use of the foolishness of preaching, so he chose for his ambassadors, not the learned disputers of the world, but foolish, weak, illiterate men, that by things which in appearance are not, he might bring to nought those that are. Lastly, To lay man lower yet, that the Lord alone might be exalted, he chose not for his people such as the world would have thought stood fairest for mercy; but he chose, for the general, the most miserable and contemptible of mankind; Not many wise, not many noble, not many mighty are called; but God hath chosen the foolish things of this world to confound the wise.
*3. Hence God shewed me, that it was to be expected, and was indeed inevitable, that a great opposition, should be every where made to his gospel; that this opposition would principally be by pretenders to wisdom, and learned men; that their objections must be against all the concernments of the gospel, the matter, manner, means of it; all being opposite to their expectation, and that therefore it was no wonder to see some stumble at the cross, some at the preaching, some at the preachers; that it was to be expected their objections would be specious, as being suited to the wisdom of men, the natural apprehension of all who were not brought to a compliance with the grand design of God. Lastly, That it was impossible for any man, who was not brought to be a fool in his own eyes, to be wise in the things of God, or to discern and approve of the conduct of God in this whole matter.
4. Upon this discovery I was fully satisfied, that the opposition of learned men, and their unsuccessfulness in their enquiries, was so far from being a just prejudice to, that it was a strong confirmation of the truths of religion; and on the other hand, that though they were, in the wisdom of God, hid from the wise and prudent, yet babes might have a clear discovery thereof, because it had pleased the father to reveal these things to them.
5. Another common objection, which had made, at some times, a considerable impression upon my mind, was, that the scriptures are contrary to reason. I shall just point at the springs of my relief.
First, I was long before fixed in a deep, rational conviction of the shortness of human knowledge, and that there was no truth which we receive, whether upon the evidence of metaphysical, mathematical, or moral principles, or even on the evidence of our senses, against which there lay not insoluble objections. Yet no man questioned those truths; nor though we endeavoured it ever so much, could we doubt of many of them. And as this was one of the most considerable fruits of my studies in philosophy, so it was of use to me many ways; it made me see through the vanity of that pretence against the truths revealed by God, that there lie unanswerable objections against them. This I plainly saw ought not to shake my assent, if I found sufficient evidence for them; especially as I was convinced, ’twas reasonable to expect more inextricable difficulties about truths supernaturally revealed than others, since they lie farther out of our reach. Therefore, when any such occurred, I was led rather to suspect my own ignorance than the truths of God.
*Secondly, God had before fixed in me the faith of his incomprehensibility, and fully convinced me, that I could not know him to perfection. He let me see, that his ways are not our ways, so that I durst not any more attempt to measure him, or his ways, by my short line, but in all things I relied in the resolution of his word. To the law and to the testimony I brought all, and where that clearly interposed, my soul was now taught fully to acquiesce in, and stand to its determination.
Thirdly, When the enemy strongly attacked any particular truth, and I could not instantly solve his objections, I was much relieved by a view of the multiplied testimonies of the word, all running the same way. And when by consulting interpreters, especially critics, I was darkened rather than cleared, I had recourse to the scope of the words, and the plain meaning that first occurred, with an humble dependance on God for his light.
*Fourthly, If for a time, by the subtle perversion of some scriptures, I could not find the true meaning of them, the analogy of faith staid my mind, till I could recover those particular passages out of the enemy’s hand. When God manifested himself to me, he gave me a view of his whole design in the revelation he had made of himself, and of the harmonious consent and concurrence of all the doctrines of the gospel, in promoting that design. He shewed me likewise, how the end and the means were so closely linked together, that one of these truths could not be overturned, but all the rest would follow. Whenever therefore any of them was controverted, its connexion with the other truths, uniformly and plainly attested by the current of scripture, presented itself; and my mind was satisfied, this could not fall without they all fell together. This I take to be the analogy of faith, and herein I often took sanctuary.
6. I before mentioned what a continual bondage I was long in, through fear of death; I shall now give some account of my relief from this also.
First, The Lord’s mercy manifested in Christ freed me from this spirit of bondage, and gave me a taste of the liberty of the sons of God. He in great measure removed the grounds whereon I most feared it, viz. Sin the sting of death, and want of evidence about the reality of future things.
Secondly, Whereas there still continued some fear upon a near prospect of it, I was much relieved by God’s promise, that we should not be tempted above what we are able to bear, especially when I recollected my former experience. I remember one day in particular, I was opprest with fear of death, when God mercifully suggested to me, “Hast thou not shrunk under the remote prospect of other trials, and yet been carried through them? Why shouldst thou distrust him as to future trials, who hath so often helped thee in time of need?” I then considered, it is no way proper that God should give his grace before our trial comes: but rather that he should keep us humble and dependent by reserving it in his own hand, and teach us to submit to his wisdom, as to the measure and time of performing his own promises. And I have ever since rested in this faith, that the Lord is a God of judgment, and that blessed are all they who wait on him; not doubting either his faithfulness as to the accomplishment of his promises, or judgment as to the right timing and measuring them, in proportion to our necessities. Hereupon I rest to this day; I dare not say I am ready to die; I dare not say I have faith or grace sufficient to carry me through death; I dare not say I have no fear of death: but this I say, there is sufficient grace laid up for me in the promise; there is a throne of grace to have recourse to; and there is a God of judgment, who will not with-hold it, when it is really the time of need.
PART IV.
CHAPTER I.
Of his entrance upon the ministry, and behaviour at Ceres.
1.WHEN I was under the violent strugglings before-mentioned, I had laid aside all thoughts of the ministry; for I could not entertain a thought of preaching to others what I did not believe myself. But now the scene being changed, I was, after long deliberation and fervent prayer, determined to comply with my mother’s desire (who had devoted me from my childhood to this work) with the advice of my most pious friends, the importunity of many others, and the motions of my own heart. For I had a lively sense of the strong obligation laid upon me, to lay out myself in the service of my good master, and I thought the nearer my employment related to him, the happier it would be.
2. Accordingly on May 1, 1700, I entered into holy orders, and May 5, began my ministry at Ceres. From this time he prepared his [♦]sermons with much secret prayer, for a blessing thereon, both to himself and his hearers. His practice also was, exactly to review and remark his behaviour in public duties; what assistance and enlargement of heart he obtained, and what concern for the souls of his hearers. When he fell short, it was matter of humiliation to him; when he was assisted, of greater gratitude and watchfulness.
[♦] “ser-sermons” replaced with “sermons”
3. Knowing he was to watch over souls, as one that must give account, he had the weight of this charge much upon his spirit: he therefore laboured to know the state of the souls of his flock, that he might be able to guide them according to their particular cases. In order thereto he was diligent in visiting all the families within his parish, in instructing his people by catechizing, and in marking their proficiency in the knowledge of the gospel. Especially, before administring the Lord’s supper, he conversed severally with those who desired to partake thereof, to try what sense they had of real religion; what influence the word of God had had upon them: and what fruits of it were in their hearts and lives, that he might deal with their consciences accordingly.
4. Take an instance of this in his own words: July 8, 1703. “I have now spent about a month in converse with my people, and I observe the few following things:”
*First, “That of three or four hundred persons there were not above forty who had not at one time or other been more or less awakened, though with far the greater part it came to no length. Whence it is plain, that God leaves not himself without witness, even in the bosom of his enemies, but sooner or later so far touches the hearts of all men, as will dreadfully enhance the guilt of those, who put out the light, and quench his Spirit.”
*Secondly, “That some of those whom it has pleased God to awaken by my ministry, promise more than flowers, even fruit: and that most acknowledge, that the word comes nearer them daily, which makes me ashamed of my own negligence, and astonished at the goodness of God, who blesses my weak labours notwithstanding.”
Thirdly, “That though God may make use of the words of man, in letting us into the meaning of the scriptures, yet ’tis ordinarily the very scripture-word whereby he conveys any comfort or advantage.”
5. Hearing about this time of some who [♦]were much swayed by good people, in dark steps of their ministerial work, I was satisfied in the evident clearness of the following rules:
[♦] duplicate word “were” removed
*First, That it is very dangerous to lay much stress on the apprehensions of the best of people, as to what may be sin or duty in things that belong not to their station; for the promise of the Spirits, teachings belongs not to them, as to what may concern a minister’s station. Therefore, it is safer to desire their prayers, that God would, according to his promise, discover to us what is our duty, than to learn them to step out of their stations, and advise in things that belong not to them.
*Secondly, In consulting others for light, great regard should be had to the different talents of men; in matters of soul-exercise, most regard should be had to those whom God has fitted with endowments that way; in matters of government most regard should be had to those whom he has fitted that way.
Thirdly, The holiest men are most likely to know God’s mind; but to know who are the holiest, we must consider, not only what men’s behaviour, but what their temptations are. For one in whom less appears may indeed have more grace, than another who seems to have more; when the one is continually plunged in floods of temptation, and the other is free from them.
*Observe, Fourthly, That ministers are commonly more shaken about the truths of religion, than about their own state: but the people, more about their own state, than about the truths of religion. And as ministers are assisted to clear the people as to what they are straitened about; so are the people often enabled to help their ministers, as to what occasions their uneasiness. Thus they mutually excel and are excelled, to humble both, and keep both in their stations.
As to the clearing up our duty in doubtful cases, observe, Lastly, That there is ever a bias to one way or the other; that we must seek to have this removed, and cry to God to bring our hearts to equal willingness to take either or neither way; that when this is attained, we must use our best reason, and take the way that appears most proper, though still crying to him, that he would put a stop to us, if we be out of the road. If he afforded light in any other particular way we must use it, still taking care, to seek light soberly, to use it tenderly, and to be wary in the application of it.
6. July 2, 1702. God about this time giving me somewhat of a revival from a long deadness, I think myself concerned to take notice of the means by which I obtained this benefit. And, 1. It was signally promoted by converse with zealous Christians. I found, that as iron sharpeneth iron, so doth the countenance of a man his friend. 2. By some heavy strokes laid upon me. 3. By terrible providences to the public. 4. By some papers seasonably brought to my hands, containing the exercise of some real Christians, wherein I saw how far short I was of them, and also not a few of the causes of my sadly withered and decayed state. 5. By some discovery of the vanity [♦]of my sweetest enjoyments. And, Lastly, By God’s leading me to some subjects, which I chose for others, wherein I found my own case remarkably touched.
[♦] duplicate word “of” removed
7. March 12, 1705. I was far out of order; “Lord pity and shine upon me.” At night I was somewhat refreshed in family-worship. In meditation hereon I saw unbelief was the root of all my misery. I was broken on account of it; I cried to God for relief, “O manifest thyself to my soul!” I was much grieved, that at a time when so many strange evils abound, there should be so strange a stupidity [♦]on my spirit, that I could not mourn for the dishonour done to God. I cried for a spirit of supplication and repentance.
[♦] “of” replaced with “on” per Errata
8. April 17, 1705. I was much disordered in body; but about seven at night I was a little relieved. Yet bowing my knees to prayer I was full of perplexity; the Lord hid himself, and my spirit was overwhelmed. But meeting with that scripture, Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; I found my mind composed; but, O, that it were with me as in months past!
9. February 24, 1706. Being the Lord’s day, I was sore shaken in the morning about the truths of God, but came to peace as to what I was to preach, in three things. “Lord thou hast fully satisfied me,” that 1. All other courses to satisfaction in our great concern, besides that of the gospel, are utterly vain and unsatisfactory. 2. That supposing the truth of the gospel, there is a plenary security as to all I can desire in time or in eternity. And [♦]3. That it can be only the wretched unbelief of my heart that makes me ever hesitate concerning the truth of it, seeing I have full evidence for it, far beyond what in other things would absolutely cut off all hesitation. I will look then for faith to the author of it: Lord I believe! help thou mine unbelief! Thou hast so fixed me in the belief of these three truths, that no temptation hath been able to shake me.
[♦] “5” replaced with “3”
10. In the spring, 1707. Some of the followers of Mrs. Bourignon coming into his parish, he laboured to guard his people against the infection of their specious errors. A short account whereof he gives in the following words:
April 20, 1707: This day the Lord directed me to strike at the root of the prevailing delusion, in opposition to which I taught.
First, That true holiness will not admit [♦]of leaving out some duties, whereas the devotees, while they withdraw from the world, omit the unquestionable duties both of general usefulness among men, and of diligence in their particular callings.
[♦] duplicate word “of” removed
Secondly, That holiness consists not in a strict observance of rules of our own invention, such as most of theirs are.
Thirdly, That whatever holiness those profess, who neglect the ordinances of God, none can reasonably conclude, that they are influenced by the authority of the Lord Jesus, for the same authority binds to the one as well as the other.
Lastly, That the most effectual inducement to universal obedience, is a sense that our sins are forgiven us, still kept fresh upon our souls, and a constant improvement of the blood of Christ by faith.
11. January 11, 1708. In the morning I arose greatly indisposed with a looseness. Before church I was somewhat relieved, but immediately after sermon, seized with vomiting. Lord, lead me to some suitable improvement!
*January 12. Was a day set apart for examining the state of my soul; chiefly on these heads. 1. Are daily sins, and sins of infirmity, searched, observed, weighed, mourned for? And do I exercise faith distinctly, in order to the pardon of them? 2. Does the impression of the necessity and excellency of Christ’s blood decay? Are the experiences of its life and efficacy distinct as before? 3. Am I formal in worship? In secret, family, public prayer? Desiring blessing on meat, returning thanks? Meditation and reading? 4. Is there due concern for the flock? Singleness and diligence in ministerial duties, prayers for them? &c. 5. Is there sympathy with afflicted saints and churches? 6. Is the voice of the rod heard, calling to deniedness to relations, even the dearest? Deniedness to the world? To life? Preparation for death? Spirituality in duty?
12. October 12, 1709. Being seized with a violent flux and griping, yet God kept me submissive, without repining; and brought me to commit the disposal of all to him, crying for a removal of any aversion to his will. And as to my ministry, tho’ I felt much remorse for the want of wrestling with God, for the success of his word among the people, yet it was refreshing that I durst say in the sight of God, that I was really concerned to know the truth; that I kept back none which might be profitable for them: that I preached what I resolved to venture my soul on, and that I desired to preach home to their consciences.
CHAPTER II.
Of his marriage, and conduct in his family.
1.WHEN God convinced me, that it was not meet I should be alone, he also dearly convinced me, that a prudent wife is from the Lord.—I looked therefore and cried to, and waited on him for direction, with that eminent freedom and preparation of heart, which gave a fixed hope he would incline his ear, and bless me in my choice.
2. The command, Be not unequally yoked with unbelievers, was so strongly imprest on my soul, that no prospect of outward advantage could have swayed me to chuse one void of the fear of God. But whether to chuse on the testimony of others, or from personal acquaintance, I could not easily determine.
3. At last inclining to think a personal acquaintance necessary, I pitched on one who appeared suitable to me; and who falling at that time under some unusual concern about religion, which she imparted to me, it looked like a providential clearing of the way; on which, I too hastily proceeded in the proposal. Yet I never durst pray absolutely for success, but had great freedom in praying that God would direct: and that if it were not for my good, my way might be hedged in, and my design effectually disappointed. Mean while she carried on an intrigue with another, to whom she was soon after clandestinely married.
4. Another marriage was proposed to me some time after. In the beginning of this affair, March 1700, I was confident to meet with a disappointment; whereon I resolved to quit it, and did so for some time. But God, by one means or other, broke all my designs of turning away. He visibly interposed his providence, gave fresh opportunities, directed me to means I had never before thought of, and reconciled those to it, from whom I expected the strongest opposition.
5. Yet after I had the greatest encouragement to proceed, I met with discouragements again: this was follow’d by new encouragement when I least expected it: and by this variety of success, I was kept low as to my thoughts of myself, and wholly dependent on God for the event.
6. December 13. This forenoon I set apart for prayer: and being to address God with regard to my proposal of marriage, I began the work with an enquiry into my own state. Upon this enquiry, I found,
First, With respect to God, I was under a full conviction, that life was in his favour, nay, that his loving-kindness is better than life itself. That any interest in his favour is utterly impossible, without respect had to a mediator: God being holy, I unholy; God a consuming fire, I a sinner meet to be consum’d: that God out of mere love has been pleased to send into the world Jesus Christ, as the mediator through whom sinners might regain his favour.
Secondly, With respect to Christ, nothing has been able (since it was first given me) to shake my full conviction of the following particulars: that Jesus Christ is such a Saviour as it became the goodness, justice, wisdom, and power of God to provide; and such as became the desires and needs of sinners, as being sufficient to save all that come to God through him, and that to the uttermost, his blood being able to cleanse from all sin, his power to subdue all things to himself, and his Spirit to lead into all truth: that I need him in all his offices; there being no time when I durst once think of parting them: God knows that my heart is as much reconciled to his kingly as to his priestly office, and that it would for ever damp me, had he not power to captivate every thought to the obedience of himself; that all my hope of freedom from that darkness which is my burden, is from Christ’s prophetical office; and my hope of freedom from the guilt and power of sin, arises from his priestly and kingly offices. In one word, I have no hope of any mercy in time or eternity, but through him. ’Tis through him I expect all, from the least drop of water to the immense riches of his glory.
Thirdly, With respect to this law, notwithstanding my frequent breaches of it, I dare take God to witness, that I count all his commandments concerning all things, to be holy, and just, and good; insomuch that I would not desire any alteration in any, and least of all in those which most cross my inclinations: that I desire inward, universal conformity to them all, and that in the spiritual meaning and extent, as reaching all thoughts, words, and actions, and even the minutest circumstances of them. Lastly, That since the commencement of this affair particularly, I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law, as exemplified in the life of our Lord; more especially in his absolute submission to the divine will, even in those things which were most contrary to his innocent nature. And though I could scarce reach this submission at some times, yet I earnestly desired it, I look’d upon it as exceedingly amiable, and condemned myself so far as I came short of it.
7. As to the whole, my spirit was in a calm and composed frame: but contrary to my positive resolution, and under fears of a refusal, I was carried out to be more peremptory than usual as to the success. Yea, when I was in the most submissive frame, I was more peremptory as to the event, than when my heart was most eagerly set upon it.
8. January 7, 1701, was a day set apart by us both, to be kept with fasting and prayer, for obtaining a blessing on our marriage. I began it with prayer, wherein I endeavoured to trace back sin to my very infancy. Lord, I have been in all sin: not one of thy commands but I have broken in almost all instances; save in the outward acts, and from them, O Lord, only thy free grace restrained me.
*I now again solemnly devoted myself to him, in this new relation I was to enter upon; beseeching that he would not contend with either of us, for the sins of our single life; that he would make us holy, and bless us in this new state, fitting us every way for one another. In my second address to God by prayer, he gave me much sweetness and enlargement (blessed be his goodness) in reference to that particular, for which I set apart this day. When he prepareth our hearts to pray, his ear hearkeneth thereto.
This day I again searched into my state, and found these evidences of the Lord’s work in my soul: 1. He hath given me by his Spirit some discovery of the innumerable sins of every period of my life, and especially of the root of all, the inexpressible corruption of my nature: 2. He has discovered to me the vanity of all those reliefs nature leads to, with regard to the guilt of sin; he hath made me see, that my own works cannot save me, and, I hope, taken me off from resting upon them; for under trouble, occasioned by sin, nothing but Christ could quiet me: the view of my own works only increased it. And God, when he assisted me most therein, so guarded me against this, that he then always opened my eyes to see a world of sin in them; insomuch that I have as earnestly desired to be saved from my best duties, as ever I did from my worst sins: and whenever my heart inclined to lay some stress on duties spiritually perform’d, God stirred up in my soul a holy jealousy over my heart in this particular. 3. As to the power of sin, he hath brought me to an utter despair of relief from my own prayers, vows, or resolutions. 4. He hath been pleased to determine me to chuse the gospel-way of salvation, by resting on Christ for righteousness, sanctification, and redemption; as a way full of admirable mercy and wisdom; a way of great peace and security to sinners, and best suited to give glory to God. Upon these grounds, I conclude, that the Lord hath wrought faith in me, and will compleat my salvation. And because he hath determined me to chuse him, therefore I dare call him my God, my Saviour, my Sanctifier.
On January 23, 1701, he was accordingly married at Edinburgh, to Janet Watson, daughter of Mr. David Watson, of St. Andrews. By her he had nine children, three sons and six daughters, of whom one son and five daughters survived him.
8. In March, 1705, his then youngest child fell into a languishing illness: concerning whom he writes thus: “April 11. My child died: blessed be God, I have had a child to give at his call; and blessed be the Lord, that he helped me to give her willingly.”
In March 1712, his son George fell ill: I had often says he, given all my children up to God, and now it pleased him to try me in the tenderest point, whether I would stand to my resignation. I could not find freedom in a asking for his life, but much, in crying for mercy for him. Yet I cannot say, but the burthen was great upon me, till communing with a friend about the state of the church and religion, concern for God’s interest got the ascendant over that for my own, and from that time I found comfort: *and the nearer he was to his end, the more loosed I was from him, and the more chearful was my resignation: so that before his death, prayers were almost made up of praises, and he was set off with thanksgiving.
CHAPTER III.
Of his removal to St. Andrews.
1.THE place of professor of divinity in the university of St. Andrews being vacant, her Majesty’s patent was procured for him: upon which he made the following reflection: “This seems to be of the Lord, for it was without so much as a thought in me; yet were all obstructions removed, all attempts for others crossed, and my spirit so held that I durst not oppose it, but was obliged to submit to the desires of those who were the most competent judges.”
2. Accordingly, April 26, 1710, he was by the principal of the college admitted into his professorship. But he enjoyed little health in that office: for in the beginning of April, 1711, he was suddenly seized with a violent pleurisy, which obliged his physicians to take from him a large quantity of blood; and although he was relieved from the disease, he never recovered his strength, by reason of the indisposition of his stomach, and frequent vomitings. Hereupon ensued, [♦]in the following winter, a coldness, swelling and stiffness in his legs, with frequent and very painful cramps. But besides his bodily illness, the grievances of the church did not a little add to his trouble: especially the imposing the oath of abjuration upon ministers, which he feared might have fatal effects, from the difference of their sentiments, concerning the lawfulness of it. His advice upon it was, that after all due information, every one should act according to the light he had. But what he most of all inculcated was, that their differing about the meaning of an expression therein, gave no just ground for any alienation of affection, much less for separation, either amongst ministers or people.
[♦] duplicate word “in” removed
The End of the Tenth Volume.
ERRATA, Volume X.
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