THE FIRST FIFTEEN PSALMS, TRANSLATED INTO ENGLISH VERSE.
DR GIBBS. DR SWIFT.
I. PSALM OF DAVID, (1) (1)I warn the reader that
Comparing the different state of the this is a lie, both here
righteous and the wicked, both in this and all over the book;
and the next world. for these are not Psalms
of David, but of Dr.
Gibbs.
1 Thrice happy he! that does refuse. (2) But I suppose with
With impious (2) sinners to combine; pious sinners a man may
Who ne'er their wicked way pursues, combine safely enough
And does the scorner's seat(3)decline (3)What part of speech
is it?
2 But still to learn, and to obey (4) All.
The Law of God is his delight;
In that employs himself all day, (5) A man must have
And reads and thinks thereon at(4) some time to sleep; so
night.(5) that I will change the
verse thus:
"And thinks and dreams
thereon all night."
3 For as a tree, whose spreading root (6) Look ye; you must
By some prolific stream is fed, thin the boughs at the
Produces (6) fair and timely fruit, top, or your fruit will
And numerous boughs adorn its head: be neither fair or
Whose (7) very leaves, tho' storms descend, timely.
In lively verdure still appear
(7) Why, what other part
Whose (7) very leaves, tho' storms descend, of a tree appears in lively.
In lively verdure still appear; verdure, beside the
Such blessings always shall attend leaves?
The man that does the Lord revere. These very leaves on
which you penn'd
Your woeful stuff, may
serve for squibs:
Such blessings always
shall attend
The madrigals of Dr.
Gibbs.
4 Like chaff with every wind disperst:(1) (1) "Dispurst,"
[rhyming with "curst">[ Pronounce this like a
blockhead.
6 And these to punishment may go. (2) (2) If they please.
["The above may serve for a tolerable specimen of Swift's remarks. The whole should be given, if it were possible to make them intelligible, without copying the version which is ridiculed; a labour for which our readers would scarcely thank us. A few detached stanzas, however, with the Dean's notes on them, shall be transcribed." Thus writes Scott; but I have added a great many more, which deserve reprinting, if only for their humour. [T.S.]
DR GIBBS. DR SWIFT.
II. PSALM OF DAVID. (1) I do not believe
that ever kings entered
1 Why do the heathen nations rise, into plots and
And in mad tumults join! confederacies against
the reign of God
Almighty.
2 Confederate kings vain plots (1) devise
Against the Almighty's reign:
His Royal Title they deny, (2) What word does
Whom God appointed Christ; that plural number
belong to?
3 Let us reject their (2) laws, they cry,
Their binding force resist.
7 And thus to Him was pleased to say, (3) An excellent drug-
As I His words declare; (3) german.
9 But those, that do thy laws refuse, (4) After a man is
In pieces thou shalt break; broken in pieces,
And with an iron sceptre bruise (4) 'tis no great matter
Their disobedient (5) neck. to have his neck
bruised.
(5) Neak.
10 Ye earthly kings, the caution hear; (6) Rulers must learn Ye rulers, learn the same; (6) it, but kings may only
hear it.
11 Serve God with reverence, and with fear(7)
His joyful praise proclaim; (7) Very proper to make a
joyful proclamation with
fear.
12 Confess the Son, and own His (8) reign, (8) Of Blackmore's
Ere He to wrath inclines; reign.
And, so resenting your disdain,
Confound your vain designs: (9) (9) You with his lines
For should the madness of His foes (1) (1) For should the foes
Th' avenging God incense, of David's ape
Happy are they that can repose Provoke his grey
In Him their confidence. (2) goose quills,
Happy are they that
can escape
The vengeance of
his pills.
(2) Admirably reasoned
and connected!
III. PSALM OF DAVID.
When he fled from his son Absalom. To Dr. Gibbs, ex aquâ
in ignem.
4 When to the Lord for help I cry, (3) Secoure.
He hears me from the Throne on high;
(4) By this I think it
5 And thus I sleep and wake secure, (3) is clear that he cries
Guarded by His almighty Power. (4) in his sleep.
6 No fears shall then my soul depress,* *Deprease, Loard,
Though thus my enemies increase; Scoticé.
7 And (5) therefore, now arise, O Lord,* (5) He desires God's
And graciously thy help afford: help, because
he is not afraid of
his enemies; others,
I think, usually
desire it when they
are afraid.
8 And thus (6) to grant a sure defence, (6) The doctor hath a
Belongs to God's (7) omnipotence; mighty affection for the
particle thus: he uses
it four times in this
Psalm, and 100 times in
other places, and
always wrong.
(7) That is as much as
to say, he that can do
all things can defend a
man; which I take to be
an undoubted truth.
IV. PSALM OF DAVID.
Reproving and admonishing his enemies. Not to burlesque
his Psalms.
1 As Thou hast always taken care A pretty phrase!
My sufferings to remove.
2 But you, my frail (1) malicious foes, (1) Are they malicious
Who do my power despise; out of frailty, or frail
Vainly how long will ye oppose, out of malice?
And (2) falsely calumnize!
(2) That is, they say
false things
falsely.
I will discover the
doctor's secret of
making the coherence
and connection, in
the Psalms that he
brags of in his title
and preface: he lays
violent hands on certain
particles,(such as and,
when, since, for, but,
thus, so, &c.) and
presses them to his
service on all occasions
sore against their wills,
and without any regard
whether the sense will
admit them or no.
3 Since those alone the Lord has blest, (3) 'Tis plain the doctor
That do from sin refrain; never requested to be a
He therefore grants what I request, (3) poet.
And hears when I (4) complain:
(4) If your requests be
granted, why do you
complain?
But of Thy face to us do Thou What is it, to
The favour still dispense; dispense the favour
of his face?
7 Then shall my soul with more divine (5) I have heard of a
And solid joys abound, crown or garland of corn,
Than they with stores of corn and wine, but a crown of wine is
Those earthly riches, crown'd: (5) new, and can hardly be
explained, unless we
suppose the wine to be
in icicles.
8 And thus confiding, Lord, in thee (6) And yet, to shew I
I take my calm repose; (6) tell no fibs,
For thou each night protectest me Thou hast left me in
From all my (7) treacherous foes thrall
To Hopkins, eke, and
Doctor Gibbs
The vilest rogue of all.
(7) Aye, and open foes
too; or his repose would
not be very calm.
V. PSALM OF DAVID:
Trusting in God, he implores protection Especially Doctor
from his enemies. Gibbs.
1 O Lord, receive my fervent prayer, (1) I suppose he
Relieve my soul opprest with care, thought it would be
And hear my loud (1) complaint; heard the better for
being loud.
[Greek: Oion aento mega
kekraigenai kai ochlaeson
einai.]—LUC. TIM.,
Misanth.
2 On Thee alone I can rely,
Do Thou, my God, to whom I fly,
My sad (2) petition grant: (2) My poor petition.
Ay, a sad one indeed.
5 They on thy favour can't rely, (3) Such vile poetry.
That practice such iniquity, (3) What is the meaning of
For Thou wilt punish those that word, such, in
this place?
6 That do malicious lies (4) invent, (4) Malicious lines.
And would to death the innocent
By treacherous means (5) expose. (5) By doggrel rhimes.
8 Lord, in Thy Laws (6) direct my ways, (6) He perseveres—not
Since those my watchful foe surveys, that he values the Laws,
And make me persevere: but because his foes
watch him. A good
principle!
9 They flatter to destroy:
10 But let, O Lord, the vengeance due (7) Horrid rhimes.
Those in their horrid crimes (7) pursue, (8) Defoy.
Who do Thy power defy: (8)
VI. PSALM OF DAVID:
Penitently complaining of his sufferings. By this translator.
I Thy heavy hand restrain, (9) (9) Thy heavy hand
With mercy, Lord, correct; restrain;
Do not, (1) as if in high disdain, Have mercy, Dr. Gibbs:
My helpless soul reject: Do not, I pray thee,
paper stain
2 For how shall I sustain With rhymes retail'd in
(2)Those ills, which now I bear! dribbs.
My vitals are consumed with pain,
(3)My soul oppress'd with care: (1)That bit is a most
glorious botch.
(2)The squeaking of a
hogrel.
(3)To listen to
thy doggrel.
5 For in the silent grave, ] Very true all that.
When there I lie obscure,
No gracious favours I can have,
Nor magnify Thy power:
6 Lord, I have pray'd in (1) vain (1)The doctor must
So long, so much opprest; mean himself, for I hope
My very (2) cries increase my pain, David never thought so.
And tears prevent my rest;
(2)Then he's a dunce
7 These do my sight impair, for crying.
My flowing eyes decay,
While to my enemies I fear
Thus (3) to become a prey. (3)That is, he is afraid
of becoming a prey to his
enemies while his eyes
are sore.
8 But, ye vain forces! fly, (4) (4)Floy.
For God, Whom I adore, Why then does he
tell us just before that
he has prayed in vain,
and is afraid of becoming
a prey to his enemies?
9 My impious foes does still destroy,
When I His aid implore.
10 O Lord, by Thy fierce hand repell'd,
With sudden shame retire (5) A very proper word
for a man that is repell'd
by a fierce hand.
VII, PSALM OF DAVID:
When unjustly persecuted,(6) and accused of (6) By Doctor Gibbs.
treachery against King Saul.
I O Lord my God, since I repose (7) By chance.
My trust in Thee alone, (7)
Save and defend me from my foes,
That furiously come on: (8) (8) Advance.
2 Lest, like a ravenous lion, they What sort of lions are
My captive soul devour, they that devour souls?
4 If I've not spared him though he's grown(9) (9) Groun.
My causeless (1) enemy,
(1) If he be grown his
causeless enemy I presume
he is no longer guiltless.
5 Then let my life, and future (2) crown (2) He gives a thing
Become to him a prey: before he has it, and
gives it to him that has
it already; for Saul is
the person meant.
6 But, Lord, thy kind assistance (1) lend, (1) But why lend? Arise in my defence; Does he design to return
According to Thy laws, (2) contend it back when he has done
For injured innocence: with it?
(2) Profane rascal! he
makes it a struggle and
contention between God
and the wicked.
7 That all the nations, that oppose, (3) (3) Oppause.
May then confess Thy power:
Therefore assert my righteous cause,
That they may Thee adore: (4) (4) Adoure.
8 For equal judgment, Lord, to Thee (5) Yet in the very
The nations (5) all submit; verse before he tells of
Be therefore (6) merciful to me. nations that oppose.
And my just soul acquit: (7)
(6) Because all nations
submit to God, therefore
God must be merciful to
Dr. Gibbs.
(7) Of what?
9 Destroy the wicked in their plots: Poor David never could
The just with blessings crown: acquit
For all the ways and secret thoughts (8) A criminal like thee,
Of both to Thee are known. Against his Psalms who
couldst commit
Such wicked poetry.
(8) Thots.
10 Thus by God's gracious providence (9) (9) Observe the
I'm still preserved secure, (1) connection.
Who all the good and just defends (1) Secoure.
With a resistless (2) power.
(2) That's right, doctor;
but then there will
be no contending, as
you desired a while ago.
'Tis wonderful that
Providence
Should save thee from the
halter,
Who hast in numbers
without sense
Burlesqued the holy
Psalter.
11 All men He does with justice view, (1) That's no great
And their iniquity mark of viewing them
With direful vengeance can pursue, with justice. God has
Or patiently (1) pass by: wiser ends for passing by
His vengeance on the
wicked, you profane
dunce!
13 For He the artillery directs, What's that charge? it
The sudden charge ordains, must allude to a charge
of gunpowder, or it is
nonsense.
15 Lo! now th'inflictions (2) they design'd (2) Ay, but what sort of
By others to be borne, things are these
Even all the mischiefs (3) in their mind inflictions?
Do on themselves return: (4)
(3) If the mischiefs be
in their mind, what need
they return on
themselves? are they not
there already?
(4) Retorn.
16 By their own treachery betray'd (5) Pills
To the same ills, (5) that they
Invented, and with those essay'd (6) Rich.
To make the poor (6) their prey:
Does this verse end
according to the more
modern art of poetry, as
the author speaks in his
preface?
17 O Lord, how glorious are the ways Do not these verses end
Of Thy good Providence! very sublimely?
Thou, Lord, Whose blessed Name I
praise,
True justice dost dispense
VIII. PSALM OF DAVID:
1 The mighty powers, that celebrate That's a lie; for if
Thy endless praises, can't relate they
The glory they in Heaven survey: can survey it they can
easily relate it.
2 Young helpless infants at the breast Young younglings.
Their great Creator have confest, [The italics are
And in their weakness spoke Thy pow'r, Swift's.] This stanza
is just upon the purlieus
between sense and
nonsense.
4 Lord, what is wretched (7) man, I cry, (7) A very proper epithet
Or all his sinful progeny, for those who are scarce
That thou to them dost prove so kind! inferior to angels.
5 To honour Thou dost them prefer, A fine cadence that.
To angels scarce inferior,
6 They over all Thy works command:
7 The flocks and herds o'er every field (1) That's a lie, for
To their just lords obedience yield, sometimes they trespass
And all (1) in full subjection stand: on other men's grounds.
8 O'er all the birds, that mount the air, (2) Appair.
And fish, that in the floods appear,(2)
Man bears an arbitrary sway: Those, I think, are
not very many: they are
caught, but till then we
have no great sway over
them.
IX. PSALM OF DAVID:
3 Confounded at the sight of Thee (3) The doctor's mistaken;
My foes are put to flight; (3) for, when people are
confounded, they cannot
fly.
4 Thus thou, great God of equity, (4) Against Sternhold
Dost still assert my right. (4) and Hopkins.
6 Insulting foes, how long can ye (5) bost.
Of ruin'd cities boast! (5) Blunderings, Siccorrige
Your plunderings now as well as they meo periculo. That's a
Are in oblivion lost: lie, for Gibbs remembers
them.
7 But God eternally remains (6) (6) That's false and
Fixt in His throne on high, profane; God is not fixed
anywhere.
8 And to the world from thence ordains (7) Did anybody ever
Impartial equity:(7) hear of partial equity?
9 And for their injured souls extend That extending a refuge,
A refuge most secure. is pretty.
12 He hears the injured poor, and then i.e. is angry at their
Does all their cries resent. cries.
13 And thus consider still, O Lord, (8) Nothing is restored
The justice of my cause; but what has been taken
Who often hast my life (8) restor'd away; so that he has been
From death's devouring jaws: often raised from the
dead, if this be true.
15 The heathen nations are dismay'd (9) (9) We heard a while
They're all to ruin brought, ago their very names were
For in the treacherous nets, they laid, dead,[1] now (it seems)
Ev'n they themselves are caught: they're only dismay'd.
[Footnote 1: Ver. 5. "They and their very names are dead.">[
16 Lo, thus the Lord to execute
True judgment still inclines; This is profane, as if
it were only an
inclination in God to be
just.
X. PSALM OF DAVID:
1 Lord, why in times of deep distress If the woes require aid
Dost Thou from us retire, it is to increase them,
When dismal woes our souls oppress, they cannot require it
And Thy kind aid require! against themselves.
2 The wicked do with lawless pride (1) (1) Proide. Pronounce
The helpless persecute; it like the Scotch.
But let them be themselves destroy'd,
And fall in their pursuit: Ay, let them!
3 For still they triumph, when success I cannot crock this
Does their designs attend, stave.
And then their ways, who thus oppress,
Profanely they commend:
5 And from the barbarous (2) paths they tread,(2) The author should
No acts of Providence first have premised what
Can e'er oblige them to recede, sort of paths were
Or stop (3) their bold offence; properly barbarous. I
suppose they must be
very deep and dirty, or
very rugged and stony;
both which I myself
have heard travellers
call barbarous roads.
(3) Which is the way to
stop an offence?
Would you have it
stopped like a bottle,
or a thief?
For what end? is it
to catch a louse, better
lay wait for the rich by
half.
8 And for the poor in secret they
Do treacherously lay wait:
As a lion observes with
9 As hungry lions do their prey watchful eyes, just so a
Observe with watchful eyes, wicked man surprises
So heedless innocents would they with sudden force—a very
With sudden force surprise; just simile.
And then, like lions merciless, They surprise them like
Their trembling souls devour; lions, but then they devour
And thus the helpless do oppress (4) devour them [like] lions.
When captives to their power;
(4) This line is dry
nonsense or false grammar
and will bear no jest.
13 no more No mour. Pronounce
[rhyming with pow'r.] this like my lady's
woman.
14 deserts Desarts. Pronounce
[rhyming with hearts.] this like my lady's
housemaid.
XI. PSALM OF DAVID:
1 come on, Come un. Pronounce
[rhyming with shun.] this like a
chambermaid.
The force of his argument
lies here: he does
3 For if the Power, in which they trust, not fear his enemies,
Should fail, how helpless are the just! because if God's power
should fail he has no
help.
6 And on their impious heads will pour (1) A shower of snares
Of snares (1) and flames a dismal shower; on a man's head would
And this their bitter cup must be do wonderful execution.
(2) To drink to all eternity: However, I grant it is a
scurvy thing enough to
swallow them.
(2) To taste the doctor's
poetry.
XII. PSALM OF DAVID:
1 O Lord, some help for me provide, He can confide in but
For in but few I can confide, few because all are.
All men are so perfidious grown; perfidious. Smoke
that!
2 True mutual kindness they pretend, Did ever any man
pretend mutual
kindness to another?
3 But God those flatterers will confound, Qu: whether flatterers
That with abusive lies abound, usually abound with
And proudly boast their vicious ways, abusive lies?
4 That say, with our deceitful tongues If they say thus they
are silly flatterers.
6 And since He thus was pleased to say, That comparison is
Like gold refined from base alloy, well applied.
His promise never can deceive; (3)
(3) Deceive. Pronounce
this like a beau.
7 And therefore will their cause assert, Examine well the grammar
Who thus are pure and true of heart, and sense and the
And save them from the enemy; elegance of this
stanza.
8 For, when th' ungodly meet success, Here the author separates
The wicked more and more increase,(1) the wicked from
And proudly all their foes defy. the ungodly.
(1) Incress.
XIII. PSALM OF DAVID:
1 How long wilt Thou neglect, A civil question that!
O Lord, to hear me pray!
3 Attend, and hear my cries, Mind me, Sir!
Some comfort now disclose,
E'er grief has shut my weeping eyes Which would be nonsense,
In death's obscure repose: put in prose.
4 Lest my proud enemy,
If now my trust should fail,
And those that persecute me cry;
See, thus we still prevail: A pretty speech that!
XIV. PSALM OF DAVID:
1 Hence virtue in the world declines, Without question virtue
And all men vicious grow. declines with a vengeance
when all men
grow vicious.
2 And see who would His being own, What other way is
And Him, as God, adore: there of adoring?
3 (2) But they were all perverted grown, (2) But they were all
Polluted all with blood, perverted grown,
And other impious crimes; not one In spite of Dr. Gibbs
Was either just (3) or good. his blood:
Of all his impious
rhimes not one
Was either just or good.
(3) For a man (it seems)
may be good and not
just.
4 Are they so stupid (4) then, said (5) God, (4) The fault was not
Who thus My (6) saints devour! that they devoured__
These (7) crimes have they not understood, saints, but that they
Nor thought upon My power! were stupid.
Qu: Whether stupidity
makes men devour saints,
or devouring saints
makes a man stupid? I
believe the latter,
because they may be apt
to lie heavy in one's
stomach.
(5) Clod.
(6) Strains.
(7) Rhimes.
7 (1) O, that His aid we now might have (1) And O that every
From Sion's holy hill, parish clerk,
That God the captive just would save, Who hums what Brady cribs
And glad all Israel. From Hopkins, would read
this work,
And glad the
heart with Gibbs.
XV. PSALM OF DAVID:
Representing the character of a good man. And a bad poet.
2 Sincere, and just, who never lie;
3 And so their neighbour ne'er deceive, How so?
5 All those that lead a life like this (2) And so the doctor
Shall reign in everlasting bliss. (2) now may kiss——!
FINIS.
Fiddling Impudent Nauseous Illiterate Scoundrel
oolish dle onsensical gnorant cot
APPENDIX II. A PROPOSAL HUMBLY OFFERED TO THE P T FOR THE MORE EFFECTUAL PREVENTING THE FURTHER GROWTH OF POPERY.
WITH THE DESCRIPTION AND USE OF THE ECCLESIASTICAL THERMOMETER,
"Insani sanus nomen ferat, aequus iniqui,
Ultra quàm satis est, virtutem si petat ipsam."
HOR. Epist. 1. vi. 16.
This "Proposal," which has not been included in the editions of Swift's Works issued by Scott, Faulkner, or Hawkesworth, appeared originally, but in a shorter form, in the "Tatler" (No. 220, September 4th, 1710). In this form the whole of the first portion, from the beginning to the paragraph commencing "The Church thermometer," is omitted, as are also the last paragraphs of the essay, including the "Advertisement." The text of the present reprint I have taken from the "Miscellanies," vol. viii., 1745 (pp. 217-229). In all modern editions of the "Tatler" this paper is ascribed to Addison; but the style and the subject are so characteristic of Swift that, although I am not in a position to say definitely that it is by him, I think it deserves a place in the form of an Appendix. The date of its appearance in the "Tatler" is somewhat against Swift having written it, since he was at that time on his way to London; and of the few contributions he sent to the "Tatler" it is agreed by all editors that the first is the paper on the same subject as the letter to the Lord High Treasurer, which appeared in No. 230 (September 28th, 1710).
[T.S.]
Having, with great sorrow of heart, observed the increase of Popery among us of late years, and how ineffectual the penal laws and statutes of this realm have been, for near forty years last past, towards reclaiming that blind and deluded people from their errors, notwithstanding the good intentions of the legislators, and the pious and unwearied labours of the many learned divines of the Established Church, who have preached to them without ceasing, although hitherto without success:
Having also remarked, in his Grace's speech to both Houses of Parliament, most kind offers of his Grace's good offices towards obtaining such further laws as shall be thought necessary towards bringing home the said wandering sheep into the fold of the Church, as also a good disposition in the parliament to join in the laudable work, towards which every good Protestant ought to contribute at least his advice: I think it a proper time to lay before the public a scheme which was writ some years since, and laid by to be ready on a fit occasion.
That, whereas the several penal laws and statutes now in being against Papists, have been found ineffectual, and rather tend to confirm, than reclaim men from their errors, as calling a man coward, is a ready way to make him fight; It is humbly proposed,
I. That the said penal laws and statutes against Papists, except the law of Gavelkind, and that which disqualifies them for places, be repealed, abrogated, annulled, destroyed, and obliterated, to all intents and purposes.
II. That, in the room of the said penal laws and statutes, all ecclesiastical jurisdiction be taken from out of the hands of the clergy of the established Church, and the same be vested in the several popish archbishops, bishops, deans and arch-deacons; nevertheless so as such jurisdiction be exercised over persons of the Popish religion only.
III. That a Popish priest shall be settled by law in each and every parish in Ireland.
IV. That the said Popish priest shall, on taking the oath of allegiance to his majesty, be entitled to a tenth part or tithe of all things tithable in Ireland, belonging to the papists, within their respective parishes, yet so as such grant of tithes to such Popish priests, shall not be construed, in law or equity, to hinder the Protestant clergyman of such parish from receiving and collecting his tithes in like manner as he does at present.
V. That, in case of detention or subtraction of tithes by any Papist, the parish priest do have his remedy at law in any of his majesty's courts, in the same manner as now practised by the clergy of the Established Church; together with all other ecclesiastical dues. And, for their further discovery to vex their people at law, it might not be amiss to oblige the solicitor-general, or some other able king's counsel, to give his advice, or assistance to such priests gratis, for which he might receive a salary out of the Barrack Fund, Military Contingencies, or Concordatum; having observed the exceedings there better paid than of the army, or any other branch of the establishment; and I would have no delay in payment in a matter of this importance.
VI. That the archbishops and bishops have power to visit the inferior clergy, and to extort proxies, exhibits, and all other perquisites usual in Popish and Protestant countries.
VII. That the convocation having been found, by long experience, to be hurtful to true religion, be for ever hereafter abolished among Protestants.
VIII. That, in the room thereof, the Popish archbishops, bishops, priests, deans, arch-deacons, and proctors, have liberty to assemble themselves in convocation, and be impowered to make such canons as they shall think proper for the government of the Papists in Ireland:
IX. And that, the secular arm being necessary to enforce obedience to ecclesiastical censure, the sheriffs, constables, and other officers, be commanded to execute the decrees and sentences of the said popish convocation, with secrecy and dispatch, or, in lieu thereof, they may be at liberty to erect an inquisition, with proper officers of their own.
X. That, as Papists declare themselves converts to the Established Church, all spiritual power over them shall cease.
XI. That as soon as any whole parish shall renounce the Popish religion, the priest of such parish shall, for his good services, have a pension of £200 per ann. settled on him for life, and that he be from such time exempt from preaching and praying, and other duties of his function, in like manner as protestant divines, with equal incomes, are at present.
XII. That each bishop, so soon as his diocese shall become protestants, be called, My Lord, and have a pension of two thousand pounds per annum during life.
XIII. That when a whole province shall be reclaimed, the archbishop shall be called His Grace, and have a pension of three thousand pounds per ann. during life, and be admitted a member of his majesty's most honourable privy council.
The good consequences of this scheme, (which will execute itself without murmurings against the government) are very visible: I shall mention a few of the most obvious.
I. The giving the priest a right to the tithe would produce law-suits and wrangles; his reverence, being entituled to a certain income at all events, would consider himself as a legal incumbent, and behave accordingly, and apply himself more to fleecing than feeding his flock; his necessary attendance on the courts of justice would leave his people without a spiritual guide; by which means protestant curates, who have no suits about tithes, would be furnished with proper opportunities for making converts, which is very much wanted.
II. The erecting a spiritual jurisdiction amongst them would, in all probability, drive as many out of that communion, as a due execution of such jurisdiction hath hitherto drove from amongst ourselves.
III. An inquisition would still be a further improvement, and most certainly would expedite the conversion of Papists.
I know it may be objected to this scheme, and with some shew of reason, that, should the Popish princes abroad pursue the same methods, with regard to their protestant subjects, the Protestant interest in Europe would thereby be considerably weakened: but as we have no reason to suspect Popish counsels will ever produce so much moderation, I think the objection ought to have but little weight.
A due execution of this scheme will soon produce many converts from Popery; nevertheless, to the end may it be known, when they shall be of the true Church, I have ordered a large parcel of ecclesiastical or Church thermometers to be made, one of which is to be hung up in each parish church, the description and use of which take as follows, in the words of the ingenious Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq.
The[1] Church thermometer, which I am now to treat of, is supposed have been invented in the reign of Henry the Eighth, about the time when that religious prince put some to death for owning the Pope's supremacy, and others for denying transubstantiation. I do not find, however, any great use made of this instrument till it fell into the hand of a learned and vigilant priest or minister, (for he frequently wrote himself both the one and the other) who was some time Vicar of Bray. This gentleman lived in his vicarage to a good old age; and after having seen several successions of his neighbouring clergy either burnt or banished, departed this life with the satisfaction of having never deserted his flock, and died Vicar of Bray. As this glass was first designed to calculate the different degrees of heat in religion, as it raged in Popery, or as it cooled, and grew temperate in the Reformation, it was marked at several distances, after the manner our ordinary thermometer is to this day, viz. extreme hot sultry hot, very hot, hot, warm, temperate, cold, just freezing, frost, hard frost, great frost, extreme cold.
[Footnote 1: In the "Tatler" this paragraph is preceded by the following: "From my own apartment, Sept. 4.—Having received many letters filled with compliments and acknowledgments for my late useful discovery of the political barometer, I shall here communicate to the publican account of my ecclesiastical thermometer, the latter giving as manifest prognostications of the changes and revolutions in Church, as the former does of those in State, and both of them being absolutely necessary for every prudent subject who is resolved to keep what he has, and get what he can." [T.S.]
It is well known, that Torricellius,[2] the inventor of the common weather-glass, made the experiment of a long tube which held thirty-two foot of water; and that a more modern virtuoso finding such a machine altogether unwieldly and useless, and considering that thirty-two inches of quicksilver weighed as much as so many foot of water in a tube of the same circumference, invented that sizeable instrument which is now in use. After this manner, that I might adapt the thermometer I am now speaking of to the present constitution of our Church, as divided into High and Low, I have made some necessary variations both in the tube and the fluid it contains. In the first place I ordered a tube to be cast in a planetary hour, and took care to seal it hermetically, when the sun was in conjunction with Saturn. I then took the proper precautions about the fluid, which is a compound of two different liquors; one of them a spirit drawn out of a strong heady wine; the other a particular sort of rock-water, colder than ice, and clearer than crystal. The spirit is of a red, fiery colour, and so very apt to ferment, that, unless it be mingled with a proportion of the water, or pent up very close, it will burst the vessel that holds it, and fly up in a fume and smoke. The water, on the contrary, is of such a subtile, piercing cold, that, unless it be mingled with a proportion of the spirits, it will sink almost through every thing it is put into, and seems to be of the same nature as the water mentioned by Quintus Curtius, which says the historian, could be contained in nothing but in the hoof, or (as the Oxford Manuscript has it) the skull of an ass. The thermometer is marked according to the following figure, which I set down at length, not only to give my reader a clear idea of it, but also to fill up my paper.
[Footnote 2: Evangelista Torricelli (1608-1647) was assistant to Galileo, and is famous as the discoverer of the phenomena on which he made the barometer. In 1644 he published "Opera Geometrica." [T.S.]
Ignorance.
Persecution.
Wrath.
Zeal.
CHURCH.
Moderation.
Lukewarmness.
Infidelity.
Ignorance.
The reader will observe, that the Church is placed in the middle point of the glass between Zeal and Moderation, the situation in which she always flourishes, and in which every good Englishman wishes her, who is a friend to the constitution of his country. However, when it mounts to Zeal, it is not amiss; and, when it sinks to Moderation, it is still in admirable temper. The worst of it is, that when once it begins to rise, it has still an inclination to ascend, insomuch that it is apt to climb from Zeal to Wrath, and from Wrath to Persecution, which often ends in Ignorance, and very often proceeds from it. In the same manner it frequently takes its progress through the lower half of the glass; and, when it has a tendency to fall, will gradually descend from Moderation to Lukewarmness, and from Lukewarmness to Infidelity, which very often terminates in Ignorance, and always proceeds from it.
It is a common observation, that the ordinary thermometer will be affected by the breathing of people who are in the room where it stands, and indeed it is almost incredible to conceive how the glass I am now describing, will fall by the breath of the multitude crying Popery; or, on the contrary, how it will rise when the same multitude (as it sometimes happens) cry out in the same breath, The Church is in Danger.
As soon as I have finished this my glass, and adjusted it to the above-mentioned scale of religion, that I might make proper experiments with it, I carried it under my cloak to several coffee-houses, and other places of resort, about this great city. At Saint James's Coffee-house the liquor stood at Moderation; but at Will's, to my extreme surprise, it subsided to the very lowest mark of the glass. At the Grecian it mounted but just one point higher; at the Rainbow it still ascended two degrees; Child's fetched it up to Zeal, and other adjacent coffee-houses to Wrath.
It fell in the lower half of the glass as I went further into the City, till at length it settled at Moderation, where it continued all the time I stayed about the Change, as also whilst I passed by the Bank. And here I cannot but take notice, that, through the whole course of my remarks, I never observed my glass to rise at the same time that the stocks did.
To complete the experiment, I prevailed upon a friend of mine, who works under me in the occult sciences, to make a progress with my glass through the whole Island of Great Britain; and, after his return, to present me with a register of his observations. I guessed beforehand at the temper of several places he passed through, by the characters they have had time out of mind. Thus that facetious divine, Dr. Fuller,[3] speaking of the town of Banbury near a hundred years ago, tells us, it was a place famous for cakes and zeal, which I find by my glass is true to this day, as to the latter part of his description; though I must confess, it is not in the same reputation for cakes that it was in the time of that learned author; and thus of other places. In short, I have now by me, digested in an alphabetical order, all the counties, corporations, and boroughs in Great Britain, with their respective tempers, as they stand related to my thermometer. But this I shall keep to myself, because I would by no means do any thing that may seem to influence any ensuing election.
[Footnote 3: Thomas Fuller, D.D. (1608-1661) was the author of "History of the Worthies of England," "History of the Holy War," and many other works distinguished for their humour and style. [T.S.]
The point of doctrine which I would propagate by this my invention, is the same which was long ago advanced by that able teacher Horace, out of whom I have taken my text for this discourse: We should be careful not to over-shoot ourselves in the pursuits even of virtue. Whether zeal or moderation be the point we aim at, let us keep fire out of the one, and frost out of the other. But, alas! the world is too wise to want such a precaution. The terms High-Church and Low-Church, as commonly used, do not so much denote a principle, as they distinguish a party. They are like words of battle, they have nothing to do with their original signification, but are only given out to keep a body of men together, and to let them know friends from enemies.
I must confess I have considered, with some attention, the influence which the opinions of these great national sects have upon their practice; and do look upon it as one of the unaccountable things of our times, that multitudes of honest gentlemen, who entirely agree in their lives, should take it in their heads to differ in their religion.[4]
[Footnote 4: Here the "Tatler" paper ends. [T.S.]
I shall conclude this paper with an account of a conference which happened between a very excellent divine (whose doctrine was easy, and formerly much respected) and a lawyer.
And behold a certain lawyer stood up, and tempted him, saying, Master, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?
He said unto him, What is written in the law? How readest thou?
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.
And he said unto him, Thou hast answered right; this do, and thou shalt live.
But he, willing to justify himself, said unto Jesus, And who is my neighbour?
And Jesus answering, said; A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.
And by chance there came down a certain priest that way; and, when he saw him, he passed by on the other side.
And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.
But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was; and, when he saw him, he had compassion on him.
And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine; and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.
And on the morrow, when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him, and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee.
Which now of these three, thinkest thou, was neighbour unto him that fell among the thieves?
And he said, He that shewed mercy on him. Then said Jesus unto him, Go, and do thou likewise. Luke x. 25 to 38.
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There is now in the press a proposal for raising a fund towards paying the National Debt by the following means: The author would have commissioners appointed to search all the public and private libraries, booksellers shops and warehouses, in this kingdom, for such books as are of no use to the owner, or to the public, viz. all comments on the Holy Scriptures, whether called sermons, creeds, bodies of divinity, tomes of casuistry, vindications, confutations, essays, answers, replies, rejoinders, or sur-rejoinders, together with all other learned treatises and books of divinity, of what denomination or class soever; as also all comments on the laws of the land, such as reports, law-cases, decrees, guides for attorneys and young clerks, and, in fine, all the books now in being in this kingdom (whether of divinity, law, physic, metaphysics, logics or politics) except the pure text of the Holy Scriptures, the naked text of the laws, a few books of morality, poetry, music, architecture, agriculture, mathematics, merchandise and history; the author would have the aforesaid useless books carried to the several paper-mills, there to be wrought into white paper, which, to prevent damage or complaints, he would have performed by the commentators, critics, popular preachers, apothecaries, learned lawyers, attorneys, solicitors, logicians, physicians, almanac-makers, and others of the like wrong turn of mind; the said paper to be sold, and the produce applied to discharge the National Debt; what should remain of the said debt unsatisfied, might be paid by a tax on the salaries or estates of bankers, common cheats, usurers, treasurers, embezzelers of public money, general officers, sharpers, pensioners, pick-pockets, &c.