CHARACTERS.

Mrs. Skinflint,a very Parsimonious Woman.
Ezekiel Onthank,a Yankee Peddler.
Sarah Jane Hobbs,Ezekiel’s Sweetheart.
Mrs. Hobbs,Sarah Jane’s Mother.

Scene I.—Mrs. Skinflint’s sitting-room. Mrs. Skinflint, a tall, bony woman, with a sharp, pinched face, is sitting in a rocking-chair, C., knitting.

Mrs. Skinflint (soliloquizes). I declare I’ll never buy another thing at Thompson’s store. I paid fifteen cents a yard for my last kaliker dress, and Mis’ Hobbs bought one of a peddler yesterday, jest as good, for thirteen cents and three quarters. It’s a shame! On twelve yards I lost fifteen cents. That’s too much money to lose in these hard times. I wish that peddler would come along. I need a sight o’ things, and if I couldn’t beat him down, my name aint Betsy Jane Skinflint.

(A knock is heard at the door, R. Mrs. S. rises and opens it. The visitor proves to be Ezekiel Onthank, a Yankee peddler, with a large pack on his back. He enters.)

Ezekiel. Mornin’, marm. Anything in my line to-day? Dress-patterns, hoop-skirts, shawls, laces, ribbons, jewelry, spectacles, buttons, scissors, needles, pins—

Mrs. S. Massy sakes! don’t tell any more of ’em. I shall forget what you sed fust. You haint got no good clocks, hev ye?

Ezek. Haint I though! I kin beat everybody on clocks. I’ve got some that cum clear from Switzerland. I imported ’em myself. Here’s one (taking it from his pack), the pootiest and best little timepiece ever you see.

Mrs. S. Does it keep good time?

Ezek. I guess it does—tip-top. It goes ahead of anything ever you set your eyes on.

Mrs. S. (cautiously). What d’ye charge for it?

Ezek. (hesitating). Well, I hev been sellin’ on ’em all along for twelve dollars apiece, but seein’ it’s you, I’ll let you have it for ten.

Mrs. S. (throwing up her hands). Ten dollars! D’ye think I’m made o’ money? Besides, the clock aint wuth half that. But I don’t mind givin’ you five for it.

Ezek. That don’t pay the cost of importin’ ’em; but, ef you’re goin’ to buy consider’ble, I’ll say five for it. What’s the next thing?

Mrs. S. I want ter git a pair o’ spettercles. As I was ridin’ to meetin’, last Sunday, mine fell off, and the wheel run right over ’em, and smashed the glass all to pieces. I cared more about ’em ’cause they’d ben in the famerly so long. Marm and granny both used ’em afore me.

Ezek. Mebbe they might be mended. Let’s see ’em.

(Mrs. S. produces a pair of heavy, iron-bowed spectacles. Ezekiel looks at them dubiously.)

Ezek. I s’pose they might be fixed, but it’s my opinion ’twouldn’t pay. Besides, the bows are too heavy to wear. Didn’t nobody ever tell ye that wearin’ heavy-bowed specs sometimes made folks round-shouldered?

Mrs. S. (straightening up). No. Dew tell!

Ezek. But I’ve got somethin’ here that’ll suit you to a T. Jest try ’em on (handing her a pair of spectacles). That’s jest the article you want.

Mrs. S. (trying them on and looking up). Well, they’re pooty fair. But I s’pose you’ll charge as much as a dollar for ’em.

Ezek. A dollar! Why, woman alive, you don’t think I’d sell them specs for a dollar. They’re the real genuine periscopic Scotch pebble. They’re well wuth five dollars, but I shall only charge you three for them. ’Taint often you can get such a good article so cheap.

Mrs. S. I’ll give you two dollars for ’em.

Ezek. No, I can’t afford to sell ’em so low. But I’ll tell you what I will do. I’ll split the difference, and let you have ’em for two-fifty. They’re very becomin’ to you—make you look ten years younger than the others did.

Mrs. S. (smiling at the compliment). Well, I s’pose I shall have to take ’em. But I shouldn’t think ’twould take you long to get rich at that rate.

Ezek. The fact is, I’m growin’ poorer every day. I ought not to sell my goods so cheap; but the wimmen have such captivatin’ ways that I can’t resist ’em. What’s the next thing?

Mrs. S. Well, I want some caliker for a new gown. I bought enough for one at Thompson’s, the other day; but I want another.

Ezek. I’ve got jest the thing for you (showing her a piece of calico with stripes of red and yellow). That’s exactly your style, and it’s only twelve and a half cents a yard.

Mrs. S. Will it wash?

Ezek. Like white cloth. I’ve sold yards and yards of that same pattern. It takes so well that one factory don’t make nothin’ else.

Mrs S. Twelve and a half cents a yard is too much. I can’t afford it, but I’ll give you a dollar for twelve yards.

Ezek. Couldn’t do it. Think of a nice dress pattern like that (displaying the goods in a tempting manner) bein’ sold for a dollar. No, marm, I can’t sell it any less.

Mrs. S. (looking at it longingly). I’ll give you a dollar and a quarter.

Ezek. Well, as you’re taking consider’ble, I’ll let you have it for that; but you mustn’t say nothin’ about it. Why, Mis’ Hobbs bought some of it, and paid full price. I’m boardin’ there at Mis’ Hobbs’s. She’s got a pooty daughter—that Sairy Jane. Between you and me, that’s the reason I went to boardin’ there, for Mis’ Hobbs aint much of a cook.

Mrs. S. (elated). I allers knew that. She never did hev much of a bringin’ up (Mrs. S. passes him money.)

Ezek. (preparing to leave). Thank ye, marm. Well, aint there sumthin’ more? You’ll want some hooks and eyes, and thread to make your dress with, don’t ye?

Mrs. S. Oh, you’ll throw them in, won’t ye? The store people do.

Ezek. That’s askin’ a little too much.

Mrs. S. Well, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll give you a mince pie for ’em. I made some fresh ones to-day. What d’ye say? You know yer boardin’-place aint anything to boast of.

Ezek. Well, I don’t mind doin’ it for once. (Mrs. Skinflint passes him pie from the table.) But I think I’d better be goin’. It don’t pay much to trade with you. You’re a deal too sharp. (Taking his pack, he leaves the house.)

Mrs. S. (self-complacently soliloquizes). I think I did make a good trade. Trust me for that. I saved enough on them trades to buy me a set of furs, next winter. They don’t cost but eight dollars, and I daresay I could get ’em for five. But there, it’s most twelve o’clock. I must be gettin’ dinner ready.

(Exit.)

(Curtain falls.)

Scene II.—A curtain arranged from front to back, dividing the stage into sitting-room, L., and kitchen, R., as both must be seen at once. There must be a door between. Mrs. Hobbs is in the sitting-room, sewing, R. Mrs. Skinflint enters, L.

Mrs. S. How d’ye do, Mis’ Hobbs?

Mrs. Hobbs. Why, how d’ye do, Mis’ Skinflint? I’m glad to see you. Sit right down in the rockin’-chair, do. (She sits down, L.) It’s a pleasant evenin’.

Mrs. S. Yes, very pleasant. I cum over this evenin’, Mis’ Hobbs, to see if there’s a peddler stoppin’ here. I bought a clock of one, this mornin’, and he sed he boarded here. The clock don’t go, and I want him to come and fix it, or give me another one.

Mrs. H. Yes, that’s him; jest come into the kitchen. He’ll be right in, I guess. He always sits in here, evenin’s.

(Just then voices are heard in the kitchen. Sarah Jane is seen knitting, L. Ezekiel enters, R.)

Sarah Jane. Well, what adventures have you had to-day, ’Zekiel?

Ezek. The richest was with Mis’ Skinflint. Mis’ Deacon Pettengill told me she was as mean as dirt (here Mrs. S. starts, but, on second thoughts, waits to hear what is coming next. Mrs. Hobbs smiles, grimly), and I thought I see if I couldn’t sarcumvent her.

S. J. What did you do?

Ezek. I offered her a clock for twelve dollars, and she beat me down to five. I usually sell ’em for a dollar and a half.

S. J. I suppose ’twasn’t worth even that.

Ezek. It doesn’t go much, but when it does, it makes up for lost time. Then she wanted some spettercles. She took a pair for two dollars and a half that I generally get seventy-five cents for; but I’ll warrant they won’t magnify any too much, for there’s nothing but winder-glass in ’em.

Mrs. S. (emphatically). The villain!

S. J. You was rather too bad, ’Zekiel.

Ezek. Not at all. She bought some calico, and asked if it would wash. I told her it would wash like white cloth, and I guess ’twill. After two or three washings, there won’t be a bit of color left in it.

Mrs. S. Oh, the wretch! Won’t I give it to him! (Mrs. Hobbs smiles. She evidently enjoys the scene.)

Ezek. But the cream of the joke was that she wanted some hooks and eyes and a spool of thread, and gave me a mince pie for them. I tasted it, but it was such wretched stuff that I couldn’t eat it, so I threw it into the river for the fishes.

(Mrs. Skinflint dashes into the kitchen with arms akimbo. Ezekiel shrinks back with mock terror. Sarah Jane and her mother come forward, smiling, to see what will be done.)

Mrs. S. What do you mean, you wretch, by cheatin’ me in such a way?

Ezek. I didn’t cheat you. You tried to keep me from gettin’ any profit on my goods. I put a price on them, and you could take them or not, as you pleased. You was willin’ to pay what I asked for them; so I don’t see how I cheated you.

Mrs. S. You didn’t tell me the truth about ’em (furiously). Then you called the nice pie I gave you wretched stuff. I shouldn’t ’a thought of givin’ it to you ef ye hadn’t said you didn’t git anythin’ fit to eat here.

Mrs. H. (starting forward). What’s that? What did he say?

Mrs. S. (gloating over her discomfiture). He said you wasn’t much of a cook, and, ef it warn’t for courtin’ Sairy Jane, he couldn’t stand it boardin’ here.

Mrs. H. (to Ezek.). So that’s the way you repay my kindness in taking you in, is it, you miserable villain? I’m mad enough to pull your hair—if you only had enough to pull.

Ezek. (glancing sideways at her). I shouldn’t dare to pull yours, marm, for fear ’twould come off in my hand.

Mrs. H. (advancing with a threatening air, and catching up the tongs as she goes). Get out of the house, you insultin’ creature, and never let me set eyes on you again!

(Ezekiel goes out as if in fear, R., slyly beckoning to Sarah Jane to go too. She nods and goes out by another door, R. Mrs. Hobbs throws Ezekiel’s pack after him.)

Mrs. H. (going toward Mrs. S. with tongs upraised). Now, old Skinflint, do you go too. You’ve made mischief enough here. I don’t blame the man for throwin’ your miserable pie away. I hope it wont pizen the fishes.

Mrs. S. (looking back as she goes out, R.). I guess you’ll find you’ve got enough to look after, without ’tendin’ to your neighbors’ business (pointing). There goes Sairy Jane with that peddler’s arm round her waist.

(Exit Mrs. Skinflint from one door, R., while Mrs. Hobbs dashes out from another, R. Curtain falls.)