Army Orders.
Great care should be exercised in reconnoitring woods.
(1) The simple mudcrusher thought it would be rather sporting
to entrap the mounted scout and laid his plans accordingly.
(2) And the scout thought it was only his duty to bag the mudcrusher,
so, disregarding his enemy's fire, he started to round him up.
(3) Scout: "Halt! You're my——"
(4) "—— My prisoner, I think!"
Patrols.
Scout: "There's a pub down there right enough, but there's an officer
coming up the hill."
Corporal: "Over the bank, boys; an' take cover behind those ricks!"
THE LOST PATROL.
By the JUNIOR SUBALTERN.
Wonder what we shall do to-day? It seems as if we'd been here for weeks, although this is only the third day; but I suppose one's first camp always seems like that. It is different from anything else; the drill I've done before don't help me a little bit. It's all very well to pass exams an' get P.S. after your name in the Army List, but that don't do much good out on a field day, as far as I can see.
Here comes my noble Captain. He's a bit of a slacker, I fancy. Wish he'd buck the men up more in their drill. They were simply awful yesterday, I thought, but he didn't seem to notice it; in fact, I rather imagined he didn't approve of my goin' for 'em in the way I did. By Jove, if I said "Wake up those men," once, I must have said it a hundred times.
"What's that? I'm attached to X Company to-day, as young Jackson is on the sick list? What beastly rot! Why, they're the worst company we've got. Chance for me to wake 'em up? That's all bally fine, but——all right, I'm off." This is a lively look-out. My goodness, they are a lot! and their Captain don't seem up to much either——"Yes, Sir. Very good, Sir. Take No. 1 Section and join the advanced party?" "But—er—I've never——" "Hurry up, for goodness sake, the Adjutant's looking as black as thunder." "Oh, let him."
"What am I to do? Straight along till I come to the cross roads, take the N.E. one, and keep on till I come in touch with the enemy? But——" "Just ready, Sir. I am only asking for final instruc——" "Oh, No. 1 Section, right turn, quick march." Oh, bother, I've forgotten to slope the arms. "Slope arms, there!" By gad, that's a pretty poor start. What is the Adjutant howling about? "That isn't the way to march an advanced guard. Where are my flankers?" "Just going to send them out, Sir." "Where's the section commander? On the sick list? Who is in charge then? Oh, you, Corporal. Have you ever been in an advanced guard before? No? Why—oh, it's your first camp, is it? Any of the men been used to this sort of thing? You don't fancy so. Well, we must do the best we can. Take two men and examine that little wood on the right. I will halt the section at the corner till you rejoin."
Ullo, what does this cyclist want? "Captain Jones says, will I push on at once, as I'm stopping the whole column." "Oh! Forward." Hang me if I see the good of sending out flankers if you can't wait for them to examine anything. "Step out there, men, we're blocking the column." Well, here are the cross roads. Oh, my sainted aunt, Five, an' not a blessed sign-post!
"Any of you men know which is the way to Muddiford? No?" I wonder which is the N.E. road. I thought it was all bally rot getting maps and compasses, but I wish to goodness I had now. If there was only a gleam of sunshine it would help, but you can't even guess where the sun is through these clouds. Oh, damn that cyclist! Oh, the Adjutant's swearing like old boots? Well, here goes. "Take the turning down the hill, boys, and push ahead as hard as you can." Thank goodness we seem to have got clear of 'em now, and by the powers, here's a villager.
"I say, is this right for Muddiford?" Why, we are coming away from it! What the dickens am I to do? "Is there a short cut from here?" "Yes! yes! Down that lane, across the common to the wood, straight on till you get to the path, and that will take us right on to the main road long before the rest of the column can get there." Cheap at half-a-crown.
"Fall in there. You shall have a rest when we pick the column up, we're a bit off the track. Yes, yes, over the fields and straight through the wood. Get ahead! What the deuce are you men opening out like that for? You've always been told to spread out when going through a wood? Oh, all right." If they lose themselves it's their look-out. Where is this beastly path? At last! Which way do we go? Oh, er—er, curse it, that fellow didn't tell me. Let's see, we turned to the left and then again, so I think it must be to the right. Well, it can't be helped—here goes.
I daren't own up to the men that I haven't a notion where we are, but I haven't, and that's a fact. How this infernal path does wind about! "What's that, Corporal? Here's a sort of a road? This isn't a main road. Well, the men must have a rest, so——Where's the rest of the section? There aren't more than half of them here. Expect they've gone back the way they came?" I'm beginning to wish I had too.
"Corporal, there's no doubt that we've lost touch with the column. We must work our way along the road till we come across a house and find out where we are; unfortunately, I forgot to bring my map with me." At last! a cottage. The men had better rest while I make a few inquiries. "Oh, you're a stranger in these parts? But, my good woman, is there any place where I can find——The Red Lion? Where's that? Just down the road, where those soldiers are running to?" Well, I'm——!
A Fair Samaritan.
Our N.C.O.'s (No. 1).
Captain: "Look here, Corporal, you know the great object of the new
system is to train the N.C.O.'s to act on their own initiative and
responsibility. Now I want you to take a couple of men—understand? Two
men, and advance along the main road and select a position commanding a
good view of the road, where your sentry can see without being
seen—understand? Now you should choose if possible a place giving some
shelter for your men, as you are to imagine you've got to occupy it for
twenty-four hours, and it ought to be so chosen that you could offer a
certain amount of resistance if attacked—understand? You're in absolute
command, and you are to do whatever you think best under the
circumstances, keeping in mind the object for which you were sent out—understand?"
Corporal: "Yessir."
Our N.C.O.'s (No. 2).
The Position the Corporal selected.
Hints for Patrols.
"When reconnoitring a village, one of the inhabitants
should be detained and questioned."
The Best Laid Schemes, etc.
That able and efficient officer, Captain Smith, had prepared a really
beautiful ambush that would have put the opposing force out of action
without a doubt, had not this happened just before the psychological moment!
No. 1.
Lt.-Col. Sir DIGBY SANDILANDS, M.P.
Saturday.—Wretched morning. Hunter tells me the barometer is falling again. We really get terribly bad luck with the weather. I know what it will be—we shall get to camp wet through, and find everything absolutely sodden. Wish I had sent Hunter on yesterday to look after things. Lady Sandilands says it's perfectly absurd going on a day like this; suggests that I should go later when everything is straight. Women take the most extraordinary views of one's duty to the country, but really, under the circumstances, I almost wish it were feasible.
Williams has just come up to say that Brown Bess is very lame, shall he get Sultan ready? It is really most annoying: he positively hates the band, while old Bess is as steady as a rock.
Sharpe & Sharpe write me about those mortgages. I really ought to see them. If I caught the express to town I could settle the matter, and then get to the camp about the time the Battalion should arrive. Major Strahan would take charge of them; he rather likes doing it, I fancy. If there's nothing important to see to I think that's what I must do, but it is extremely annoying after looking forward to the week and making all arrangements.
The girls very disappointed; say it's not worth while going to see the Battalion start if I'm not there. Promise them they shall have a wire letting them know the exact time of our return. They say that's not the same thing, as we invariably come back smothered in dust and looking generally disreputable. They seem to regard the whole thing as a mild form of amusement for them. Have arranged everything with the Adjutant. Capital fellow. Really relieves me of no end of little worries.
Sunday.—Arrived rather later than I expected last night. Found they had had rather a bad time getting here, but everything seemed all right; hope it is; always like the men to start camp in a good temper. We parade fairly strong, but men not so smart as I should like to see them. I must impress it on the company officers to look after that sort of thing rather more carefully.
Church parade not improved by slight drizzle; but the chaplain very sensibly shortened the service. Quite forgot to provide myself with anything for the collection; asked the Adjutant if he could lend me something; he had only half-a-crown and a sovereign; so—well, I suppose it's for a good cause. Inspected camp this afternoon, seems fairly comfortable. Our mess president tells me he has had a lot of bother with the caterers, but he hopes it will be better in a day or two. I sincerely hope it will.
Monday.—Passed a terribly bad night. Camp may be a pleasant change for younger men, but it really is a great trial in many ways for commanding officers. I find one misses what are usually termed, I believe, "home comforts." The work to-day is to be confined to sections and the training of the N.C.O.'s. This new drill reads simple enough in the book, but the men don't seem to catch on to it as quickly as they should; but really everything has so changed of late years that one hardly likes to criticize. Spoke to the Adjutant about it; he says they're doing quite as well as he expected. Very irritating order from headquarters to the effect that as we are a manoeuvres camp, officers will not dine in mess dress. A most senseless order; if they allow us mess tents and board floors, and things of that sort, why on earth can't they allow us to dine as gentlemen?
Reserves.
Tuesday.—Weather improving, am happy to say. To-day's training, I believe, is to be left in the hands of the company commanders; field officers to exercise general supervision. On the whole, not bad, although I doubt if they will be able to carry out my commands as intelligently as I could wish without a tremendous amount of explanation. I must impress upon them the importance of grasping the idea of the commands, at the same time acting on their own initiative, otherwise we shall have endless confusion.
Wednesday.—Something about living in the open that has a very stimulating effect upon one. Made quite an excellent breakfast. The Adjutant gave a most interesting lecture on outpost work before we started; he mentioned several points that I don't mind confessing had slipped my memory. I feel sure, with a little careful instruction, the efficiency of the Volunteer Force would be enormously increased. Must refer to it in the House on earliest opportunity. Did an attack with the Brigade this afternoon; very disappointing. Up to certain stage everything went well, but, as attack developed, got in some way mixed up with the Blankshires, who were, undoubtedly, far out of their proper line. Had slight argument with their C.O. Dear old chap, of course, but absolutely pig-headed. Would not see my point. G.O.C.'s remarks rather uncalled for, under the circumstances. Had to speak to several of the company officers about letting their men get out of hand. The various Adjutants seem to regard the matter with an amount of levity which I don't altogether approve of. Mess very uproarious to-night; most unnecessarily so in my opinion. Heard afterwards one of the subalterns had given a lecture on "Tactics, as he understood them."
Thursday.—Inspection to-day. Passed off fairly satisfactorily; faults found of course, but that's inevitable. A weary, worrying business. Every one seems out of temper. Thank goodness, that's over for a year.
Friday.—Every prospect of a hot day of course, on the one occasion that we should rejoice in a cloudy sky. Hope there will be no trouble with the water-cart. Got the Battalion away early, so could give the men a rest before commencing operations.
Don't quite know what we're intended to be doing or where we're going. Somewhat awkward, as I haven't been able to tell Williams where to meet me with spare horse and a sandwich. Rather a joke (or the reverse) if I had to patronize the water-cart!
Did exceedingly well. Complimented on the way I handled the Battalion in awkward position. Very trying march back, but men stuck to it well. Will back a country Battalion against a town one any time for a stiff day's work, although they may not be so smart. Ordered extra ration of beer, or its equivalent, to be issued to each man. Capital camp fire at night, and some very good choruses. Great pity that just as we have got into our stride, so to speak, we have to break up. Nothing like camp for the men. Wish we could have more of it. Must bring up the question of extended camps in the House.
A Camp Fire.
Saturday.—Brought Battalion home. Never knew the men march better, and every man looks as hard as nails. The girls say I look years younger. Quite sorry to get back.
A Conundrum.
1st Umpire: "I say, Jimmy, which would you consider the most sporting
thing to do—award both sides the palm of victory, or put 'em both out of action?"
No. 2.
Capt. and Adjt. "JERRY" BENSON.
Saturday.—I don't think I ever felt less inclined to get up in my life. It is simply dreadful to contemplate the fact that for the next week there won't be a moment's peace for me after 5 A.M. And something horrible is sure to happen—either the Sergeant Major will go sick, or the Colonel's wine will be corked, or I shall be asked to explain things.
The Station Master seems unduly flurried for one of his years—says we shall block the whole line if we don't get away soon. Had no idea the railway system of the country was so easily upset. What is the matter with the youth Thompson? Oh, he is in charge of the baggage for the time being. It seems to excite him very much. Fortunately, baggage has a nice little way of turning up in the long run, somehow. I wish they wouldn't ask me what sort of work we shall do in camp; they must think I'm a sort of military encyclopædia. Frightful scene detraining, Volunteers always remind me of flustered hens on these occasions.
Sunday.—"Oh those dreadful bugles!" Usual church parade. The Colonel is certain to forget his purse, so I'll take a sovereign for him. His expression when he sees I've nothing less, will be touching. As a spectacle, effect somewhat marred by the presence of a cyclist in violent tweeds.
Monday.—Really a very amusing day. The struggles of the various Company officers simply fascinating to watch, they have so many ways of doing the same thing. I have never been able to fathom the mind of the Volunteer N.C.O., but I should think he conceives his duty consists of remaining eternally in rear of his men. I asked one what he thought he was placed in charge of a section for, and he answered very truthfully that he didn't know. I think I must get him sent out in charge of a patrol when the Brigadier is about, he will be so pleased. Someone asked me what I thought of the men's drill. I said it was very interesting, and that I'd seen regulars do it quite as badly.
Tuesday.—Had a most elaborate Brigade drill, which I believe we are not supposed to do, but it afforded me great joy. Everyone else seemed to loathe it. The Colonel got rather worried, which was a nuisance, as I had to keep at his elbow to put him right. I don't think any one really knows what to do, but if you only take long enough about any movement, you generally get a fresh command before you've got absolutely wrong. By some miracle we didn't get quite in a muddle, which was a pity, as the Brigadier would have given everybody the most awful "dirt." Felt quite sorry when it was over. The Colonel uttered a heart-felt "Thank God!"
Wednesday.—A most amusing little field day. I think we did everything we should not have done. Not a soul paid the faintest attention to cover, and when we got into the quite open country everyone took the opportunity to reform the lines. I pulled up a Subaltern who was doing it in the most barefaced manner; he was very cheerful about it, said it would save no end of confusion, and it was much easier to do "out here" than when you were "bottled up in a bally wood!" I should rather like to know what the men think of field days. The issue of blank ammunition usually keeps them quite cheerful for the first half-hour; then, if they happen to be in reserve they get very sulky and think they're being "done in the eye," and when they eventually get into the firing line, they loose off every round they have as fast as possible, and from that moment take no further interest in the proceedings.
Thursday.—Annual Inspection to-day. Took every precaution, carefully coached two companies in piquet duties, and put the rest in reserve. Told the Captains if they had any old soldiers in the ranks to put them in the responsible positions. Thank goodness the Chief invariably asks the same questions, so hadn't to bother about other things. It would be too dreadful if he started dodging us. I wish officers would not say they've received no instructions about all sorts of things. It may be perfectly true, but you can't get them to see that they ought to say anything but that. Had rather a fright when I heard the G.O.C. was paying a surprise visit to the outposts, but something kept him off us. The Sergeant Major said we should get an awful wigging over the camp, as it wasn't half cleaned up, so had to get the Colonel to keep lunch going as long as possible. Men turned out for inspection better than I expected, but one wretched youth in No. 1 Company got his bayonet jammed. Thought we were in for it, but luckily his struggles were so pathetic that the Chief had to laugh, and forgot to make any nasty remarks until he'd almost finished the inspection. We might train a humorously-minded boy to do something of the sort every time.
Friday.—Usual wind-up field day. Did "pooja" to everything I could think of, in the hope of being placed in reserve, but it didn't come off. Had a positively dreadful time. Our portion of the firing line seemed to fascinate the G.O.C., nothing would make him go away. Gave us frightful "dirt" because the men insisted on standing up to see the Commander-in-Chief and Staff go by, when they were supposed to be under cover and lying down. One of the Staff got off rather smart thing—said the Volunteers combined the minimum of expense with the maximum of inefficiency.
Saturday.—Broke camp. I don't know which is worse, getting to camp or coming away from it. It doesn't matter what arrangements you make, it always results in hopeless confusion, and everybody goes about cursing somebody or something. I shall keep out of the way as much as possible, and I shall go on leave directly we get back.
The Hired "Charger" is not a Thing of Beauty!
Studies.
Serious Major: "You ought to look in to-night, youngster, we
shall be having a 'Kriegspiel' on."
Frivolous Sub.: "What's that, Sir?"
Major: "Don't you know? Why it's the War Game."
Sub.: "Never heard of it! Can you make any money at it?"
