SCENE
MRS. SMILER'S Cottage. A table C. half way up stage, four chairs round it arranged almost in a semi-circle, so that there is no one with back to audience. R. a stove on which to put kettle, etc. Dresser or table at back with cups and saucers, etc., on it.
Mrs. S. Polly! Polly!
Polly [outside]. Yes, ma'am.
[Enter Polly. She is very small.
Mrs. S. Now, Polly, this afternoon you must be my little maid.
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. S. Do you think I can trust you?
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. S. You see, Sukey hasn't come in yet, and some people are coming to tea, so you must put the kettle on to boil, and make the tea when they come.
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. S. Do you think you can?
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. S. Do you know how to make the tea?
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. S. How do you make it?
Polly. With water, ma'am.
Mrs. S. Anything else?
Polly. No, ma'am.
Mrs. S. Oh, Polly! you are hopeless.
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. S. What do you make the tea with, stupid?
Polly. The kettle, ma'am.
Mrs. S. And what else?
Polly. The teapot, ma'am.
Mrs. S. And what inside the teapot?
Polly [thinks a minute, then triumphantly]. Water, ma'am.
Mrs. S. Anything else?
Mrs. S. Of course. Now mind you don't forget, and have everything ready, as the party will be here in a minute: and I'll go and put on my best cap.
[Exit.
Polly [stands for a minute with the kettle in her hands, trying to remember]. Let me see ... Oh yes, the tea.
[She puts many spoonfuls of tea into the kettle, and then water, shakes the kettle to see if there's water in it, pours some water into the teapot; then, as she is standing with the kettle in her hand, Mrs. S. comes in quickly with a gorgeous cap on.
Mrs. S. I see them coming across the green! Quick, Polly, put the kettle on, we'll all have tea. [A knock at the door. Mrs. S. goes and opens it.] Good afternoon, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Jennings, Mrs. Crabstick!
Mrs. J. [brightly]. Good afternoon to you, I'm sure.
Mrs. B. [composed]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler.
Mrs. C. [coldly]. Afternoon.
Mrs. J. [brightly]. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler, and hoping you keep well.
Mrs. S. Yes, thank you. I have my worries, of course, like the rest of us.
Mrs. C. [grimly]. We all have. It's a weary world.
Mrs. J. Oh, Mrs. Crabstick, cheer up, just when we've come to such a nice tea-party.
Mrs. C. I depend on my tea.
Mrs. B. Oh, of course; so do I.
Mrs. J. We all do.
Mrs. S. Well, I hope you'll get it as you like it to-day.
Mrs. C. One doesn't get what one's used to out of their own house, but if you come out to tea one must make the best of it.
Mrs. J. [to Mrs. S.]. And your little maid, Sukey, makes such good tea.
Mrs. S. Yes, she does, but to-day she's out. I'm afraid she must have had a tumble off her bicycle.
Mrs. C. Bicycle indeed! In my young days feet were good enough.
Mrs. J. [laughing]. Quite true, Mrs. Crabstick. If we had been meant to go on bicycles we should be born with wheels instead of legs.
Mrs. B. Ah, it's a weary world.
Mrs. S. Oh dear me, Mrs. Crabstick, don't be so gloomy. I've got another little maid to take Sukey's place this afternoon. You'll get your tea all the same. The kettle's boiling now. Polly, is everything ready?
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
[She brings in the teapot, the guests sit round the table, Mrs. S. at the head of it. Kettle on fire.
Mrs. S. Now, I'll help you first, Mrs. Crabstick. I know you depend so much on your tea.
[Pours out: water only comes out of the pot.
Mrs. S. Oh!
Mrs. J. There's only water in the teapot.
Mrs. B. There's no tea in it.
Mrs. S. Oh dear, what can have happened? Polly!
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. S. There's no tea in the teapot.
Polly. No, ma'am.
Mrs. S. But I told you to put in some tea, and I gave you the tea-caddy.
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. S. Then what did you do with the tea?
Polly. Put it into the kettle, ma'am.
Mrs. S. Into the kettle! Give me the kettle at once.
Polly. Yes, ma'am.
[Mrs. S. pours out; an inky fluid comes out of the spout.[A]
Mrs. S. Oh! what a way of making tea!
Mrs. C. You'll excuse me if I go away, Mrs. Smiler. I'm so afraid of being taken worse if I stay here after what has happened.
The Others. And we really feel we had better do the same. Good afternoon, Mrs. Smiler.
[They all get up and go towards the door. The door is thrown violently open and Sukey rushes in.
Mrs. S. Oh, Sukey! There you are at last.
All the Guests [looking at her]. At last!
Sukey. I'm so sorry, ma'am; I fell off my bicycle, and it's broken.
Mrs. C. [solemnly]. What did I say!
Sukey. I did so want to be here to make the tea.
Mrs. S. You had better have been. Look!
[Pours out of the kettle some of the black liquid.
Sukey. Oh dear! I'll get another. [Opens cupboard, gets out another kettle.] I'll soon make it boil.
[Puts water into kettle and puts it on the fire.
Mrs. B. I don't think we'll wait for any more tea-makings, thank you. Good afternoon.
All. Good afternoon.
[They all go out.
Mrs. S. Oh dear! Oh dear! My tea-party has not been a success. Sukey, take it off again, they've all gone away.
[Mrs. S., Sukey, and Polly all sing together, "Sukey, take it off again, they've all gone away!"
QUICK CURTAIN
