Last Revised August 5, 2011
Through These Eyes
The courageous struggle to find meaning in a life stressed with cancer
An Autobiography by Lauren Ann Isaacson 1961-1986
Original Hardcover Book: Copyright 1990
Released into public domain: 2006
Library of Congress Catalog Card #90 93276
ISBN 0-9628196-0-3
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 1 Early Years 1 Chapter 2 My Brothers 11 Chapter 3 Todd's Illness 16 Chapter 4 Fifth Grade 19 Chapter 5 Norm / Marriage 24 Chapter 6 Norm / Reflections 28 Chapter 7 Todd / Reflections 31 Chapter 8 Sixth Grade 33 Chapter 9 Discovery of Tumor 38 Chapter 10 Preparation and Surgery 49 Chapter 11 Diagnosis and Recovery 53 Chapter 12 Chemotherapy 70 Chapter 13 Year at Home and Diary 87 Chapter 14 Summer 1976 111 Chapter 15 Return to School 114 Chapter 16 Divorce 119 Chapter 17 Ninth Grade 127 Chapter 18 Summer 1977 133 Chapter 19 Tenth Grade 137 Chapter 20 Eleventh Grade 140 Chapter 21 Twelfth Grade 160 Chapter 22 Summer 1980 167
Chapter 23 Black Hawk College 175 Essays: Views on Choice 181 Views on Awareness 183
Chapter 24 Interlude 187
Chapter 25 Return of Cancer 195 Essays: Suffering 212 Quality in Life 213 Bargaining and Prayer 214
Chapter 26 Categories of Acceptance 216 Chapter 27 Frustrations 225 Chapter 28 Christmas 1981 230 Chapter 29 Self Imposed Barriers 232 Chapter 30 Autumn at Augustana 236 Chapter 31 Depression 243 Chapter 32 Basic Day 246 Chapter 33 Treatment / Hoax 251 Chapter 34 Journey to Greece 254 Chapter 35 In Limbo 263 Chapter 36 Reflections 267 Chapter 37 Zenith of Grief 276 Chapter 38 Personal Belief 284 Chapter 39 Reminiscence 286 Chapter 40 God, My View 288 Chapter 41 Continuum 291
THROUGH THESE EYES, written by Lauren A. Isaacson (10 Dec 1961 - 16 Jul 1986), is rare in several respects. At the age of twelve, she was diagnosed as having cancer of the stomach; leiomyosarcoma is a cancer prevalent in older women. She was accepted at the Mayo Clinic for research, and after a five year period was given a clean bill of health. During her sixth year following chemotherapy, she was diagnosed as suffering from the same cancer; it had invaded the liver.
Lauren decided to write her life story. Her treatment of elementary school days, junior high, her year of chemo and her home tutor, her return to ninth grade wearing her wig, the first day she went without that wig, high school experiences, her modeling contract, the way she coped with her impending death, the continuing of her college education until she could no longer physically endure, the trauma of seeing her 32 year old brother die; all relate an aura, a searching for quality in each given day.
Her thoughts on acceptance, awareness, anger, guilt, her views of an omnipotent being, God; her ability to write poetry as she viewed and photographed life around her; the maturity and depth of her writings bring with them humor as well as pathos. She was concerned about those who loved her and those who medically assisted her. It was her hope to help others facing adversity, or who have loved ones suffering the direct trauma. Her journal was her companion as she coped with life. It brought her peace and acceptance; she would hope it could do the same for others.
Much of her manuscript is complete; it was necessary for her to outline journal entries she wished copied. I, her mother, have completed those listings and have related her final two and one half days at Hospice.
Journal entry June 29, 1986…The night is loud with thunder; the deep, sharp rumbling that shakes the house as if to remind the world that it is alive. It is not subtle, but in its brazen clap, I can find reason to rejoice; I live in the shadows of a wondrous and beautiful world, yet thunder is one element of nature from which I have not been excluded, for it penetrates walls.
Lauren's exclusion began after Christmas, 1985. She was confined to her hide-a-way in the upstairs of her home until Hospice on 14 of July, and died 16 July, 1986.
Respectfully submitted,
Muriel K. Isaacson (Mother)
Dedicated to…
those who came with culinary delights who shared of their time making crafts and visiting who brought lovely plants, curios and books who shared roses from their garden who, through Laurie's five year illness, remembered her often with cards and gifts of money and especially those who lifted her name and her family in supportive love and prayer.
Journal Quotes
"Carrying a secret would have been like transporting a dandelion seed head on a windy day."
"Cancer. One word, and yet it made such a difference; it was almost mathematical; just as surely as positive and negative numbers, multiplied, equaled a negative response, certainty coupled with uncertainty yielded uncertainty."
"Cancer knew no barrier and bore no prejudice; cancer took the weak, the strong, the indifferent, the proud, the cheerful, the embittered; it took all, greedily in an unquenchable hunger."
"Only acceptance can wash away the flames born of despair."
"The more the mind grows the more humble its 'master' becomes, for he realizes that knowledge is infinity and infinity cannot be encapsulated in the human brain."
Excerpt from Diary
June 22, 1984
…In a relationship, truth can often times hurt. So, I am faced with the problem of whether to tell the truth or speak nothing. I would never choose to jeopardize a relationship, yet if that relationship is full of deception, or other undesirable attributes, and undiscerned by the other, is it noble to hold one's peace? For to bespeak truths could lead to ruinous separation…yet, a one-sided relationship is of no account.
If I could but harness the energy begotten of my anger towards self-obsessive persons, I could heat the house for a month. Perhaps, with time, I shall be able to transfer that energy toward the thinking of constructive thoughts. Anger cannot be felt without sustaining internal damage; a raging emotional fire surely must char the mind.
Prologue
DEATH
Man's basic instinct is to survive, and despite all the civilizing and technological factors of the present, that basic instinct has remained. Though the improvements rendered on society through modernization has allowed each individual to live at a more leisurely pace, those same devices, conveniences and services have also separated each life from the healing qualities inherent in a life lived close to nature.
So often I have heard the remark, "Nature is cruel," yet I cannot regard that statement to be wholly true; nature should not be given a character which is labeled, at various intervals in time, as "good" or "bad"; it merely functions to the mutual interactions of all life. For life to continue, there must also be death. Nature is the intricate mechanism behind all living and dying things; it is reality in its most elemental sense. Unfortunately, it is the one reality which modern society has attempted to purge from all minds, and replace with a perverted idea of life; since it is nearly impossible for a man to live naturally, society has also obliterated the idea that one can die naturally, and quietly.
Even though one is facing death, it is yet difficult to relinquish that instinct, as well as the instinct to escape pain. One will do everything in his power to escape a sniper's gun, just as he would remove his hand from the hot kettle or jump at the prick of a needle. It is natural to protect ourselves. While sightless and immobile elderly may "want to die," they would never take their life.
In the case of disease and debilitation, a line must be drawn. When no treatment is available, one must say "enough" and try to find peace. Perhaps mercy will one day be a part of medicine.
Death should not be shielded from the young, and borne solely by the old; when death is faced, one can better learn to live.
Overcoming Disability and Death
The True Hero
Some may argue that the only true heroes confronting a terminal and/or disabling disease are those who have overpowered that disease. May I respectfully disagree?
Lauren fought valiantly to retain a best level of health and ability, in spite of day after day, night after night, of chronic nausea, sweating, and fatigue. To give courage to anyone facing chronic disease, she fought to continue writing, even when physically and mentally exhausted. She continued to write, even up to her very last days of life. She was, and is, the true hero.
If you have faith in a higher power than either yourself or humanity in general; and if you have overpowered your disease or disability by faith, you are to be highly commended. If, by the grace of that same power, you have given your best effort, and your disease or disability either totally destroys your capacity, or demands your life; you are also deserving of honor.
Even those who found healing through faith in a higher power eventually met their earthly death; most likely by some disease that they could not, in spite of their faith, overcome. And death is a blessing, a relief from earthly suffering, not a horrid finality.
Faith in a higher power can afford courage in death, and timeless eternity in love.
Lauren's brother,
Todd Isaacson
Monday, April 3, 2006
Revised November 29, 2006
Spanish Letter (from a pen-pal from New Zealand)
Hola!
Me llamo Dean
Soy de Nueva Zelanda
Tengo 29 anos
Hay cuatro en mi familia, Mis padres, mi hermana y yo. Mis padres viven en Auckland, Nueva Zelanda. Mientras mi hermana vive en Wigan, Inglaterra con Su familia.
Mi padre Uama Merv. Fune cincuerta y cuatro anos. Frabaja en La policia. Habla Maori y Jngles. Juega rugby y tenis. Foca La guitarra. Es muy simpatico, generoso, introvetido, sincero y sentimental. No es cruel, terrible y impulsivo. Se gusta viajar con mi madre.
Mi madre Uana Jan Fiene cincuerta anos. Habla Jngles, no habla Maori. No trabaja tambier. Se gusta nadar y beber. Es muy simpatico, generosa, servical, impulsivo y guapa. No es cruel, introvertido y rebelde.
Mi hermana Uama Tracy. Tiene Viente y seis anos. Tiene un esposo y dos ninos. La nina el mayor que la nino. Habla Italiano y ingles. No habla Maori. Es guapa, simpatica, maravellosa, Trabajadora y divertida. No es optimista, terrible, cruel, y aburrida.
Letter as corrected, with gratitude to Esther Erbele, Waterloo, Iowa, April 19, 2006.
Please note: Since the English alphabet lacks certain features commonly used in Spanish, the following words are given below, with explanation:
llamo - pronounced YAH-mo.
anos - requires a wavy line (tilde) over the n,
pronounced AHN-yos.
nina - requires a wavy line (tilde) over the second n,
pronounced NEEN-yah.
nino - requires a wavy line (tilde) over the second n,
pronounced NEEN-yo.
ninos - requires a wavy line (tilde) over the second n,
pronounced NEEN-yos.
Ingles - requires an accent mark over the es,
pronounced een-GLES.
simpatica - requires an accent mark over the at,
pronounced seem-PAT-ee-kah.
simpatico - requires an accent mark over the at,
pronounced seem-PAT-ee-ko.
Punctuation: In Spanish, the exclamation point (and the question mark) appear at the end of the sentence, and "upside down" at the beginning of the same sentence.
Hola!
Me llamo Dean
Soy de Nueva Zelanda
Tengo 29 anos
Hay cuatro en mi familia, Mis padres, mi hermana y yo. Mis padres viven en Auckland, Nueva Zelanda. Mientras que mi hermana vive en Wigan, Inglaterra, con su familia.
Mi padre se llama Merv, tiene cincuenta y cuatro (54) anos.
Trabaja en la policia. Habla Maori e Ingles. Juega rugby y tenis.
Toca la guitarra. Es muy simpatico, generoso, ocupado, sincero
y sentimental. No es cruel, terrible o impulsivo.
Le gusta viajar con mi madre.
Mi madre se llama Jan, tiene cincuenta (50) anos. Habla Ingles,
no habla Maori. No trabaja tambien. Le gusta nadar y beber.
Es muy simpatica, generosa, servicial, impulsivo y guapa.
No es cruel, introvertido o rebelde.
Mi hermana se llama Tracy, tiene viente y seis (26) anos. Tiene un esposo y dos ninos. La nina es mayor, que el nino. Habla Italiano e Ingles. No habla Maori. Es guapa, simpatica, maravillosa, trabajadora y divertida. No es oportunista, terrible, cruel, o aburrida.
Letter translated by Esther Erbele,
Waterloo, Iowa, April 19, 2006.
Hello!
My name is Dean
I'm from New Zealand
I'm 29 years old
There are four (4) in my family, my parents, my sister, and I. My parents live in Aukland, New Zealand. Meanwhile, my sister lives in Wigan (Manchester), England, with her family.
My father named Merv is fifty-four (54) years old. He works in the police department. He speaks Maori and English. He plays rugby and tennis. He plays the guitar. He is agreeable generous, involved, sincere, and sentimental. He is not cruel, terrible, or impulsive. He likes to travel with my mother.
My mother named Jan is fifty (50) years old. She speaks English, does not speak Maori. She does not work also. (She is not employed outside the home.) She likes to swim and drink (refreshments). She is agreeable, generous, a helper, impulsive, and good looking. She is not cruel, introverted, or rebellious.
My sister named Tracy is twenty-six (26) years old. She has a husband and two (2) children. The girl is older than the boy. (Tracy) speaks Italian and English. She doesn't speak Maori. She is good looking, agreeable, marvelous, a good worker, and enjoys herself. She is not opportunistic, terrible, cruel, or boring.
(Lauren's trip to Mexico is presented on PAGE 160
Chapter 21 - Twelfth Grade.)