CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Reminiscence
I was reflecting how some people lump together instances which, personally, I feel are complete opposites. Case in point; the dissimilarity, in my opinion between telling a person he has a piece of cake on his chin and telling someone he has a pimple on his forehead. I would be grateful to the person who would say, with discretion, that food had somehow missed my mouth and had adhered to the skin surrounding my mouth. There is nothing more degrading than to have had a lovely luncheon, followed by a shopping spree, only to discover upon looking in the mirror at 5:30 p.m. that you'd been carrying a splotch of cake on your face for the better part of the day. In the event that someone announces that you have a blemish on your face, however, I feel nothing short of mild revulsion toward that individual for augmenting an embarrassment which you've already acknowledged to yourself upon awakening. Chances are that you are fully aware of the exact longitude and latitude of the facial offender which so hatefully appeared on your face. I simply feel that comments of that nature are unnecessary because there is absolutely nothing you can do except to hope it exits as rapidly as it made it's debut. Unlike the piece of cake which can be whisked away after its detection, the blemish remains until full maturity and disappears only when it is quite prepared to do so! Thus ends my dissertation on facial concerns.
Much of the fear that I now perceive deals with the question of where I would go should I outlive Mom and Dad. I feel so utterly dependant upon them, especially given the condition of my health and my inability to earn a living of my own. I had depended on Norm in the event I should have more years of life than my parents; we had said we could live together, and my worries were somewhat allayed. I hope I will die before them, although I realize this would hurt them deeply. Hidden inside me is, perhaps, a coward which seeks the road of least resistance. Given my past degree of luck, however, I'm sure that my wishes will not come true. One must take those things in life which are difficult to endure and attempt to grow with each new development. Life seems unable to be a "no load" experience; perhaps it is impossible to think that the sunshine and the rain maintain equal balance.
Feb. 2, 1984… It was good to drive Norm's Chevette today. It seemed the barrier was broken and I was comforted; also to know that I could get out, that I could drive the car with competence and at the same time, I could feel close to Norm. It's easier to shift than Dad's Chevy truck.
Feb.7, 1984… Some of the reason I felt so bad that awful Monday and Tuesday was the feeling that it should've been me. It was as if an angel came to retrieve a soul at 5440 and got the wrong room. Everyone was expecting me to die, and it would have been a lot easier…
Feb. 11, 1984… It began to storm around 12:30 while I was still down-stairs. I've never experienced such a loud and brilliant display of nature's fireworks at such an unlikely time of the year. Upon hearing the noise, I elected to turn off the T.V.in favor of listening to and observing the lightning. It was quite intense for a brief period of ten minutes or thereabouts. I wish it would continue to storm throughout the passage of the night. . . it would effectively break the monotony of sleep.
Feb. 12, 1984… Sunday's just aren't the same… it was a gray and misty day, temperature of 52. I guess the committee at Church went to the Bishop to obtain a replacement for Rev. Hess. I'll miss him…he was the only minister with whom I felt at ease to express my true feelings. With others, I was backed up against a wall. I must believe as they did. . .if God knowingly created man as imperfect beings which had to attain greater knowledge through experience, how could He simultaneously punish them for eternity simply because they doubted His existence or some of His principles? It would, in my opinion, be folly for Him to place such a temptation as Knowledge (the apple) within man's perception and then command him to shun it at all costs; an all-knowing Being, God would have already been aware that man, yet a child in mentality, couldn't resist such a command, just as a child is unable to keep his hands in his pockets in a souvenir shop.
Man has a mind for a purpose; to think, to inquire into the unknown, to rationalize the meaning of this complex universe. If God had not wanted man to think, he would have created man as an imbecile, and would never have placed an apple tree in Eden. I feel that through questioning, one grows. No man knows of that which comes after life on earth. One can only hope for serenity; the certainty of heaven is yet a dream, to claim otherwise violates all sense of rationality. What man thinks of as solid "truths" could be obliterated once one has passed from worldly existence; perhaps "truths" could just as rapidly change through higher vision on earth. The longer I live, the more I realize that nothing is certain and binding. One can simply hold beliefs with the hope that they are at least true in part. Knowledge can undergo change as quickly as a new discovery is made which breaks a former "law" of nature; one's beliefs, once established, remain a cane to lean upon throughout those times of uncertainty and change. If those personal beliefs accommodate room for such change, one's growth is not stunted; rather, one is able to rise above the poison and find fresh air once again.