ART MATTERS.

The visitor to the Capitol, at Washington, will be struck with the paucity of American art, as evinced by the specimens of painting and sculpture to be seen in the Rotunda and immediate vicinity of that structure. Barrels of paint and whole quarries of marble have been sacrificed by an inscrutable Congress, whose sole object seems to have been to frighten its constituency away from the scene of its dark plottings with grotesque Washingtons, fantastic Lincolns, thinly-clad Indian ladies, and unprincipled looking Puritans. Some meritorious works of art, however, have lately found their way to the Capitol by accident, but let us have more of them. We humbly submit a few designs for equestrian statuary, which only await a misappropriation by Congress, as follows:

Plate I.—Statue for a great American military hero who always kept his face to the foe.

Plate II.—Is for another great military hero (a member of militia) who would have kept his face to the foe if circumstances had been favorable.

Plate III.—Equestrian statue of a public gentleman who kept his face wherever it suited his convenience.

Plate IV.—A statue (also equestrian) for a great politician of foreign origin who rose from humble beginnings to great achievements.

CHAPTER XXVII.

SOME ABORIGINAL IDEAS—WISE MEN AT WORK—MOUND BUILDING FROM FORCE OF HABIT—SUBTERRANEAN MISCELLANY—THE LOST TRIBE THEORY WON’T DO—AUTOGRAPH SPECIMEN OF PICTURE WRITING—LIGHT AT LAST—PICTURESQUE HABITS OF THE INDIANS.

The origin of the North American Indian has always been shrouded in the deepest mystery, and wise-heads of every age and clime have sought to tear aside the veil and show us our aboriginal brother in his true colors.

Some of these learned gentlemen have carried their zeal to the extent of renting wigwams in the Indian country, and living among these primitive children of the forest, hoping, by dint of listening at key-holes, to overhear some remark dropped by them that would reveal where they emigrated from, but nothing came of it but premature baldness to the wise-head so investigating. Others again have comfortably settled down into the belief that these singular members of society are a revised edition of the strayed or stolen tribes of Israel that have so long been advertised for in vain.

In support of this theory the latter class of philosophers has dived into side hills, (supposed to have been thrown up by an eccentric race of Indians known as mound builders,) turning up every conceivable article of second-hand Indian miscellany, and asking the world to believe that these mysterious “mounds” were simply subterraneous pawnbroker’s shops, built and conducted in obedience to a well-known national instinct, and that the articles they contain are nothing more nor less than unredeemed pledges “left” by impecunious prehistoric ladies and gentlemen who were compelled to resort to that means of raising the wind.

On page [209] our artist shows us the exponents of the latter theory at work, and also gives us a singularly correct drawing of some of the bric-a-brac which they have unearthed. We will take the liberty of explaining further, and tell all we know concerning the supposed uses of these mysterious articles.

A is supposed to be a surgical instrument. B, an instrument of torture. C, toilet article. D, lady’s ear ornament. E, ancient drinking vessel. F, tombstone, with inscription. G, pottery. H, musical instrument. I, skull of native (deceased).

MEN OF SCIENCE “WORKING” A MOUND.

In the lower series we have: No. 1, artist’s utensil. 2, uses unknown to the author. 3, patent hen’s nest (badly out of repair). 4, vinaigrette. 5, projectile. 6, bracelet. 7, war club. 8, burglar’s tool (very ancient). 9, cooking utensil.

After going carefully over this array of evidence one naturally hesitates before looking further for a theory. But, taking for granted that the Indians really are a remnant of those mislaid Israelites, the difficulty next arises as to how the dickens they got here, for when the Israelites were first missed there was as yet no railway communication between this country and Asia, and unless they tunneled their way up through, via China, it is difficult to account for their presence here.

In common with other great minds, we, too, have devoted much of our spare time to the effort of setting our red brother on his legs before the world, and of tracing his footprints back through the ages, but until quite recently we have been uniformly baffled. The fact is, our red brother ought really to have kept a diary. He would thus have saved us wise-acres much trouble and unnecessary expense. The next time we hope he will not overlook this important detail.

As we said, all our efforts to trace the Indians back to their origin had failed until recently. We rejected the “remnant” theory after a fair trial. We compared this remnant with the original piece (so claimed), and found it a bad match. In the face of strong evidence we renewed our efforts, which were destined to meet with reward, as will be seen presently.

A month or two since it luckily occurred to us to address a letter to a skillful sachem, (who happens to be an acquaintance of ours, and is at present located out West,) upon this interesting subject.

This gentleman, who is of the Choctaw persuasion, and was christened Gimmechawtybackee, (Billious Jake,) sent us a most courteous and comprehensive reply, which came to hand a few days since, and which covers the whole ground in the most lucid manner. We wonder we never thought of it before.

The Sachem’s Letter.

We here insert Billious Jake’s letter verbatim. It is a master-piece of composition, and sets the matter forever at rest. (Daily papers please copy.)

Before changing the subject, we should really like to pictorially look into the habits of these strange victims of circumstances. Examine page [214], if you please. In No. 1 we see a stony-hearted savage taking a very mean advantage of a white captive, and torturing him to death in the most horrible and deliberate manner. No. 2, an early settler pursued by a native. No. 3, Indian barber. And lastly, in No. 4, we have an Indian gentleman journeying towards the setting sun on dead-head principles.

“His faithful dog shall bear him company.”—Campbell.

CHAPTER XXVIII.

AMERICAN SCENERY.

Few countries can boast such a variety of natural features as our own America.

To the intelligent tourist of unlimited bank account this country affords abundant material for the study of nature with all the modern improvements, including gas, hot and cold water, and an elevator running every five minutes up to the fifteenth floor. Terms invariably in advance.

Our illustration on the opposite page conveys but a feeble idea of the magnitude of some of the wonderful freaks of nature which the tourist “doing” American is liable at any moment to stumble upon.

1. MAMMOTH CAVE KY.
2. NATURAL BRIDGE VA.
3. STREET SCENE.
4. PRAIRIE SCENE.
5. THE MAJESTY AND BEAUTY OF NIAGARA.
AMERICAN SCENERY

In No. 1 we have the Mammoth Cave. It takes its name from the gentleman upon whose property it is located, and who uses it as a sub-cellar in Winter, and locks himself up in it during the tax-gathering season. Our illustration treats of the latter period. The Natural Bridge (No. 2) is a marvel of architecture, and is lavishly decorated with appropriate inscriptions. No. 3 hardly comes under the head of Natural Scenery, and would appear to be rather a sudden change from the sweet realms of nature to the busy haunts of men; but contrast is everything, and we turn from this turbulent scene to one of delicious repose. No. 4, a Western prairie. Here the eye wanders off over a rich and varied landscape of level country, till finally in the distance it encounters what? a vast spider? No. That is only the setting sun, as we ascertained in a private conversation with the artist. No. 5. We hardly know how to treat this matter. In writing about Niagara it is customary to either rush madly into poetry or break hysterically into exclamation points. We had heard a great deal about the awful majesty of Niagara Falls, and went there to obtain, if possible, a personal interview, intending to write it up in a style that would bankrupt our printer. We say we went there expecting much, but we found that the half had not been told us. If it had, we should have remained at home. Perhaps the least said about it the better.

CHAPTER XXIX.

SOME WORD PAINTING ON THE SUBJECT OF THE AMERICAN EAGLE—THE AFFAIRS OF THIS STRANGE EVENTFUL HISTORY WOUND UP.

A work of this nature would be incomplete without some slight allusion to the American Eagle. With reference to that ornithological specimen, we may remark that the first century of his career has been an eventful one. His wings have from time to time been cropped by foreign foes in a style that has made it unnecessary as well as impossible to scorch them against the sun. His tail feathers have been extracted by internecine strife in a manner that has made it extremely difficult for him to steer his majestic course amid the blue ether of Freedom, and his flight at times has been awkward and eccentric in the extreme. In short, the plumage has been plucked from various parts of his body by divers evil-disposed persons to such an extent as to make aerial navigation in a rarefied atmosphere an uncomfortable, not to say highly injurious pursuit.

PORTRAIT OF THE AMERICAN EAGLE.

Notwithstanding all this we feel authorized to inform the public that our national fowl is as tough as a boarding-house spring chicken; that he will continue to roost at his present address until further notice, spreading his wings from the Atlantic to the Pacific, beneath the shadow of which all persons of good character are invited to come (references exchanged). Here every one, from the peon to the prince, if not satisfied with his present situation, can find a refuge, and by strict attention to business become an Alderman of somebody else’s native village and have canal boats named after him, or, (by very strict attention to business) even rise to be President[[5]] of the United States!

[5]. Note—Since the above piece of rhetoric went to press we have ascertained (quite accidentally) that persons are not eligible to this office who have the misfortune to be born abroad. Therefore we hastily append this postscript lest any unsuspecting peon or prince who might chance to read these pages be inveigled over here under a misapprehension. If he comes now it must be on his own responsibility.

THE END.

1876.       1876.

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