SCENE 6
HERMAN. Henrich!
HENRICH. Yes, sir!
HERMAN. Can't you help me put this to rights? I don't know what to do first. Read aloud that hatter's statement.
HENRICH (falteringly reads). "Noble, learned, stern, and steadfast Burgomaster. As the first-fruits of the worthy company of lawful citizens of this glorious city, I the undersigned, N. N., present myself, unworthy Alderman of the worthy Hatters' Guild; and after having extended congratulations both respectful and hearty on a man so worthy and highly raised on high to so height, in deepest humility submit for your consideration one of the greatest, most dangerous, and abominable abuses which wicked times and still more wicked men have brought into practice in this city, in hope that your Magnificence will afford a remedy. This, then, is the case: The hucksters here in the city, utterly without fear or shame, openly sell and offer for sale whole pieces of a sort of cloth which they cause to be woven of beaver—indeed they even descend to the dismal audacity of having stockings made of it—though it is well known that beaver-hair belongs exclusively to our profession, whereby we poor hatters are unable at any price to obtain the hair necessary for the pursuit of our means of subsistence, especially as good people have got into such a way that few will pay, as they used to do, from ten to twenty rix-dollars for a hat, to the irreparable damage of the reputation and profit of our trade. If it might now please his Magnificence the Burgomaster to consider the appended twenty-four weighty causes and reasons which have led us hat-makers presumably to presume that we alone are entitled to work in beaver, to wit:
(1) that since ancient times it has been a universal usage and custom of the country, not only this country but over the whole world, to wear beaver hats, as can be proved by manifold citations from history and by legally sworn witnesses, (a) As to history—"
HERMAN. Skip the history.
HENRICH. "(b) As to witnesses, Adrian Nilsen, in the seventy-ninth year of his age, can remember that his father's great-grandfather said—"
HERMAN. Skip what he said, too.
HENRICH. "(2) That it is an immoderate luxury to use such expensive hair for stockings and clothes, a practice at variance with all good order and usage, especially since there are so many expensive cloths imported from England, France, and Holland that one might well be satisified without depriving an honest man of his living—"
HERMAN. Enough, enough! Henrich! I see that the master is right.
HENRICH. But I have heard that an official ought always to hear both sides before he makes his decision. Shall I not read the opponents' retort also?
HERMAN. To be sure. (He hands him the other memorial.)
HENRICH (reads). "High-born Excellency, highly enlightened and highly statesmanlike Burgomaster. As high as your understanding soars above others', so high soared my joy above others' when I heard that you had become burgomaster; but what I have come for is because the hatters are annoying me and do not want to let me sell fabrics and stockings made of beaver. I understand well enough what they want: they want to have the business in beaver all to themselves and have beaver used for nothing but hats; but they do not understand the situation. It is idiotic to wear beaver hats: men go about with them under their arms, they are neither warm nor useful, and a straw hat would do just as well. On the other hand, beaver stockings and clothing are both warm and soft, and if the burgomaster had only tried them, as he may in time, he would see for himself."
HERMAN. Stop, that is enough; this man is right, too.
HENRICH. But I am sure they can't both be right.
HERMAN. Which is right, then?
HENRICH. That our Lord and the burgomaster must know.
HERMAN (gets up and walks to and fro). This is devilish nonsense,
Henrich! Can't you tell me, you stupid animal, who is right? Why
should I give a dog like you board and wages? (A racket outside.)
What's the noise in the hall?
HENRICH. The two citizens have each other by the hair.
HERMAN. Go out and bid them respect the burgomaster's house.
HENRICH. It is better, sir, to let them fight, so they may perhaps become good friends again all the sooner. Gracious! I think they will break in; listen how they are beating on the door! (Herman crawls under the table.) Who knocks?
A LACKEY (outside). I have come from a foreign resident. My master has something to discuss with the burgomaster which is most important.
HENRICH. Where the deuce is the burgomaster? Has the devil flown off with the burgomaster? Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN (under the tables-whispering). Henrich! Who was that?
HENRICH. A foreign president wants to talk with your Honor.
HERMAN. Tell him to come again in half an hour, and say that there are two hat-makers here to see me whom I must despatch. Henrich! Ask the citizens to go away till to-morrow. Oh, God help me, poor man! I am so jumbled up in my head that I don't know myself what I am saying or doing. Can't you help me to get it straightened out, Henrich?
HENRICH (returning from the door), I know no better advice for his
Honor than to go and hang himself.
HERMAN. Go and get me The Political Stockfish. It is lying on the sitting-room table—a German book in a white binding. Perhaps I can find in it how I should receive foreign presidents.
HENRICH. Does the burgomaster want mustard and butter with it?
HERMAN. No, it is a book in a white binding. (Exit Henrich. While he is gone Herman absent-mindedly tears the hatters' document to pieces. Reenter Henrich with the book.}
HENRICH. Here is the book. But what is it, sir, that you are tearing up? I believe it's the master hatters' complaint.
HERMAN. Oh, I did that without thinking. (He takes the book and throws it on the floor.) I believe, Henrich, I had better take your advice and hang myself.
HENRICH. Oh, Lord! Another knock! (Exit. Reenter in tears.) Oh, Mr.
Burgomaster! Help, Mr. Burgomaster!
HERMAN. What's up?
HENRICH. There is a whole regiment of sailors in front of the door yelling, "If we don't get justice, we shall smash all the burgomaster's windows in." One of them hit me in the back with a stone. Oh, oh, oh!
HERMAN (crawls under the table again). Henrich, ask Madam Burgomaster to come hold them in check. They may show respect for a woman.
HENRICH. Yes, yes, you shall see how much respect sailors have for a woman. If she goes out there, they may rape her, and then you would be worse off in the end than you were in the beginning.
HERMAN. Oh, but she is an old woman.
HENRICH. Sailors aren't so particular. I shouldn't risk my wife like that. They are knocking again. Shall I open the door?
HERMAN. No, I'm afraid it's the sailors. Oh, I wish I were in my grave. Henrich, run to the door and listen to see who it is.
HENRICH. Look, they are coming right in. It is two councillors.