THE THANKSGIVING OF THE SMALL COUNTRY M.P’s WIFE,
WHICH SHE OFFERETH WEEK-END-LY
To Thee, O Bland and Blessëd Deity of Surplus Cash and Social Advancement, whose favours are never bestowed upon the Poor or the Wise, but only on the Rich and the Foolish, I give praise, honour and glory!
I thank Thee that Thou hast made of that Supreme Ass, my Husband, a Member of the Government, so that, despite his utter Lack of Wit and Hopeless Incompetency, he may at least pass muster for having Brains in a particularly Brainless Constituency!
I acknowledge Thy mercy and goodness in permitting that for the moderate cost of Two Thousand Pounds and upwards,—a sum not greatly in excess of my dressmaker’s annual bill,—I may set my foot on the two dumb and prostrate Letters of the Alphabet now attached to my said Husband’s new calling and Election, and may mount thereon to those heights of County Society where, ever since I was born I have eagerly thirsted to be! For though County Society be often duller than the fabled Styx, nevertheless the leaden weight of its Approval is as necessary to my special comfort and welfare as the Gilded chain of Office is to the swelling chest of a Provincial Mayor. Thou knowest, O little Lord of Communities Narrow, Parochial and Politic, that I am called, even by the Profanest of Press-Reporters, “a fine figure of a woman,” and that I am deserving of Public Notice and Commendation, not only for my Physical Attractions, but for my Social Qualifications, which, despite the fact that Fate has wedded me to a Fool, have enabled me to successfully represent the said Fool to his bovine Electors as an Intelligent Personality! Great is the Tact which is needed to palm off a Sparrow for an Eagle, a Mouse for an Elephant, or a Donkey for a Statesman! But I swear to Thee, O Thou gracious Little Neptune who ruleth that Limited Ocean called the “Society Swim” that I am equal to all this and more! Thou seest me as I am, a Fashionable Feminine Insincerity! Thou beholdest the subtle cleverness of my Social Smile, which radiates sweetly upon the faces of such persons as I conceive may be useful in Election times, but which fades into a Supercilious Sneer when I discover, as I often do, that many of these persons are unblushingly “of no political party,” and have no interest whatever in keeping my Husband in His Seat! Now if my Husband were not in His Seat, I should become that most deplorable of human beings, a Provincial Nonentity! Hence arises my natural and lawful Desire that in His Seat my Husband shall remain, inasmuch as were he left without a Seat, I should be left without a “Set”!
But thanks be unto Thee, O Thou amiable and complaisant God of the British Social Status, there seems to be at present no cause for alarm that the Rustics whom my Husband, with unintelligent dumbness represents in the House of Commons will ever Rise! Chiefly inspired as they are by Drugged Beer, it is safe to presume that they will not easily awaken from their Public-House Torpor, or in a species of vulgar “horse-play” pull my Husband’s seat from under him,—even as a lubberly child pulls away a chair from the Unsuspecting Visitor who would fain sit down upon it,—and so precipitate my Husband into the unenviable rank of Unimportant Provincials! I myself am ready to guarantee,—always with Thy support, O Favourer of Paid Parliamentary Press-Puffery,—that so dire a Catastrophe as this shall not happen! For My weight,—which is both materially and mentally Considerable,—would have to be thrown into the Balance,—whereby the tottering Seat, even if partially overthrown, would, and needs Must,—under the force of my impetuous Clutch,—regain the Perpendicular!
Being by unredeemed nature a Stupid Woman, I acknowledge freely and with gratitude Thy Omnipotent Guidance in Matters purely Snobbish! I praise and bless Thee for showing me the quickest way out of Things Intellectual into Things Conventional! I thank Thee for Thy unfailing assistance afforded to me in the beaten paths of County Flunkeydom, wherein I walk with virtuous circumspection, taking care to leave my impressive Visiting-Cards and likewise those of my Husband, on Houses only, and never on People! For People may be dangerous acquaintances, while Houses never are. A Family Residence is always more respectable than a Family!
I give Thee glory that I am made of such stubborn Flesh and Quality as never to recognize that any other Woman exists who, by the Inconvenient Attributes of Either Beauty, Wit or Intelligence, deserves to be considered my Superior, and that when any such Intrusive and Obtrusive Female is accidentally forced upon my Notice, I have the good sense to diplomatically ignore Her. I am gratefully conscious that the Meaningless Insipidity of my Manner has favourably impressed the Uneducated Majority of my Husband’s Constituents. And also, that having once obtained their Unreasoning Votes, their Bucolic Lethargy is such, that I need do little further to retain their Credulous Admiration save to put in an Occasional Well-Dressed Appearance at a “local” Bazaar, or Charity Ball. Concerning any aims or hopes they may, in their blundering Dulness, have ever entertained towards the Betterment of their Condition, and the Representation of these Addle-pated desires to His Majesty’s Government, I am as Profoundly Indifferent as my Husband is Voluntarily Ignorant. For, as the larger number of the Faithful Commons are aware, no Act is more fatal to the Social Prestige and County Influence of a Member of the House, than that he should, when in office, fulfil the Rash Promises made to his Electors during a Critical state of the Poll! Inasmuch as the only Reasonable object to be attained by the Purchase of the Letters M. and P. is the Betterment of One’s Self and One’s Social Position on the lines of such Conventional Hypocrisies as are agreeable to the Best County Houses. For the taking of any bold or conspicuous part in any National Matter of Interest or Importance has long been sagaciously avoided by every County Member who desires to retain His Seat. And that one Man should do what his Colleagues dare not attempt, would be a Heroism which, thanks unto Thee, O Prudent Presiding Deity of Grandmotherly Westminster, is fortunately not to be expected of my Husband!
Finally I thank Thee, O Wise and All-Discerning, for the Gracious Consolation which Thou hast imparted unto me in the fact that though my Husband is the Embodiment of county Vacuity, the Majority of the King’s Faithful Commons are as Vacuous as He! For, as in the multitude of Ants in an Anthill, One insect more industrious or intelligent than the rest is not easily discovered, even so, in the goodly array of Stupid Members, the Stupidest of them all may conveniently sit in his Seat without public Comment.
And for the Constant Enjoyment of my own Admitted Position among the Tea-Drinking, Fox-Hunting and Bucolic élite of the Neighbourhood,—for the graceful Ease with which I assume to be what I am not, by reason of the Two Letters attached to my Husband’s Name, which gives much more importance to Me than to Him,—and for the general comfortable Self-Assertiveness in which I live and move and have my being, I bless Thee, O Potent little Deity of the Polling-Booth, and acknowledge Thy Manifold Mercies! May the Seat of my Husband continue firm in Thy Sight, unmoved by any Popular Caprice of the Vulgar, until such time as my eldest Hopeful Son, the very pattern of His Father, shall slip into it Unopposed after Him, and so preserve in those Unsophisticated Rural Districts whereby we are surrounded, the Unblemished Honour of a Unique Reputation for Highly Educated Political Incompetence in this Advanced and Enlightened Age!
Amen!