THE WIDDER DOODLE’S COURTSHIP.
It was about six weeks after Nancy Cyphers’es death. It was a lovely September mernin’, in the fall of the year when I waked up, and opened my eyes at about 5 o’clock, A. M., in the forenoon. The bedroom bein’ on the back of the house, and secure from intruders, we wusn’t never particular to lower and put down the curtains. And I could see a levely picture between the fold of snowy white cotten cloth, edged with a deep, beautiful net and fringe of my own makin’, that wus tied gracefully back on each side of the winder with a cord and tassel (also of my own makin’).
It was a picture handsomer than any of ’em, framed by Thomas J., that hung up in our parlor. Close by the winder, and right in front of it, was a rose-bush and a wax bull, full of bright scarlet, and snow-white berries. And over ’em flamed out a maple, dressed up in more colors than Joseph’s coat, and each color perfectly beautiful. The birds wus a-singin’ to the branches, sweet, and strong, and earnest, and though I couldn’t understand a word they said, still it was a very happyfyin’ song to me. Through some of the maple branches I could see the blue sky a-shinin’ down; but lower down, through the boughs of the rose and wax bulls, I could see the east, a-lookin’ handsomer than I ever remembered seein’ the east look. It seemed as if it had fairly outdone itself, a-tryin’ to make a levely and beautiful startin’ place for the sun, to set out from on his daily tower. The sun seemed to enjoy it dretfully, havin’ such a levely home to set out from. It seemed to look so extremely attractive to him, that I knew, unless somethin’ uncommon happened, he would be punctual to be back there to the very minute, the next mornin’. And thinks’es I to myself, (for moral eppisodin’ has become almost a 2d or 3d nater to me), if home was always made so bright and attractive there would be other sons and heads of families that would be more punctual and delighted to get back to their startin’ places and homes at the exact minute. But I probably didn’t eppisode on this theme more’n a moment or a moment and a ½, though it is as noble and elevatin’ a theme as ever was eppisoded on, for another thought came to me, almost overpowerin’ly, as I see the sun a settin’ out so grand, and noble, and happy on his tower. The thought that come to me wus this; I wished that I too could set on a short tower. I had staid to home for quite a spell. And though home is the best spot in the hull world for a stiddy diet, still the appetite calls fur spices, and different sorts of food. Human nater, and especially wemen human nater likes a change and variety. And it does come kinder natural to a wemen to want to go a-visutin’, now and then, and sometimes oftner. I had been a-wonderin’ it over in my mind for a number of days, though as yet I had not tackled Josiah upon the subject, not knowin’ how he would take it, but knowin’ well that men do not feel as wimmen do about visatin’.
The county fair wus to be held the next week, at Dover town, sixteen miles from Janesville. And I had two aunts there, Sophrenia Cypher, she that was Sophrenia Burpy, my mother’s own sister, and married to Solomon Cypher’s only brother, and then she that wus, and now is, Samantha Ann Burpy, my mother’s youngest sister. A maiden lady, livin’ on a independent property of her own, with a hired girl, and sound and excellent principles. I wus named after her, and set a sight of store by her. She hain’t an old maid from necessity, far from it, she had chances. I hadn’t visited them for over five years, and never wus to a county fair in my life; and as I lay there on my goose-feather pillow, a seein’ the sun set out and travel gloriously on his tower, I thought to myself how sweet it would be if I and my Josiah could go and do likewise. Could go to Dover town, visit our aunts and attend to the fair. But studyin’ as deep as I had studied on the subject of men’s dispositions, I felt that I must be as wise as a serpent, and harmless as a dove. And so I gently and almost tenderly punched my companion with my elbow, and seys, in awful, affectionate axents:
“Josiah!”
“What is the matter?” says he, a wakin’ up sudden. “What are you goarin me with your elbow for?”
His tone and his demeaner would have strick dismay to the heart of a weaker wemen, but I kep’ right on, and said to him, in still more tender and affectionate axents:
“Josiah, you seem to me to be a runnin’ down, I am alarmed about you, Josiah Allen.”
“Oh, shaw!” says he, and it was as fractious and worrysome a “shaw,” as I ever heard shawed in my hull life.
But I continued on and continued, knowin’ that perseverance was requisit’ and necessary.
Says I, “You cannot conceal it from your pardner, Josiah; you are not in one-half so good order as you wus in.”
“Wall! what of it? What if I hain’t?” he snapped out awful snappish.
Says I, in still more tender tones, “You need a change, Josiah; you ort to go off on a short tower, you and your pardner, Samantha.”
“A tower!”
Oh! never, never did I, durin’ my life, ever see a tower snapped out as that tower wus. He acted scornful, and overbearin’, and almost haughty about the idee. And some wimmen would have been completely skirt out by his mean, it wus so cold, and threatenin’, and offish. Not so Samantha. No! though his demeaner wus such that I almost despaired of success, still I felt that I would do all that wemen could do, and then if I must give it up, I could have a clear conscience. So inspired, and held up by this resolve, I laid to, and got a breakfast, that exceeded anything that had been seen for months in Jenesville, in the line of breakfes’ses. It affected the widder Doodle dreadfully; she shed tears, she said it was “so beautiful, and reminded her so of Doodle.”
And it was perfectly delicious, and I could see as Josiah partook of it, that his mean wus a gradually mellerin’ down, and growin’ softer, and more yieldin’ and sweet. And finally when he had got about half through his meal, and he could see that as good as the vittles had been precedin’, better was to come, then I tackled him, and then I got the victory. He consented.
The widder Doodle seemed more’n willin’ to stay and keep house for us, and suffice it to say, that the next afternoon saw us a settin’ out on our tower. Aunt Samantha Ann was perfectly delighted to see us, and we spent the most of the time with her, though we made aunt Sophrenia a good, honorable visit; she, too, was glad to see us, very. We staid to Dover town just a week to a day, attended to the fair, which was very interestin’ and aggreable, both to myself and to Josiah.
The last day of the fair, we laid out to attend only half a day, and start for home about noon, so as to reach home in good season. We had told widder Doodle we would be there certainly that day before nightfall.
It was, probably, about half-past ten A. M., in the forenoon. I was a standin’ in the Hall devoted to picters, and flowers, and piller cases, and tatten and embroidery, and so forth, and I wus just examinin’ a lamp mat, which was perfectly beautiful, when a good lookin’ wemen came up to me, and says she, a lookin’ up above my head:
“Have you seen the phantom leave?” or sunthin to that effect.
And I says to her, firmly but kindly:
“There hain’t been no phantom here appearin’ to me, and how could I see it leave?”
And thinkin’ she wus in the dark on this matter, and it was my duty to enlighten her, says I:
“Somebody has been a-trying to impose on you, mam. There ’haint no such things as ghosts or phantoms.”
She said sunthin’ about “their bein’ a case,” or sunthin’; she talked dretful low, and the noise around was fearful, so I couldn’t heer her over and above well. But from what I did heer, I see she was on the wrong track, and says I firmly:
“I defy you, mam, to bring forward a case of ghost, or phantom, that will bear the daylight,” says I, “they are made up of fear, and fancy, and moonshine.”
She took up her parasol, and pinted right up to a glass case, and says she:
“I ment them phantom leaves there, up in that case.”
“Oh!” says I, in a relieved tone. “I thought you ment a ghost!”
They looked handsome, some like the frost-work on our windows in the winter.
Wall, it probably wusn’t a ½ an hour after that, my pride had a fall. Truly, when we are a-standin’ up the straightest, tottlin’ may come on to us, and sudden crumplin’ of the knees. There I had been a-boastin’, in my proud, philosophical spirit, that there wus no such things as phantoms, and lo, and behold! within 31 moments time, I thought I see a ghost appearin’ to me. I was skeert, and awe-struck. The way on’t wus, I stood there not thinkin’ of no trouble, when all of a sudden, I heerd these words;
“Oh, Doodle! Doodle! If you was alive, I shouldn’t be in this predickerment.”
If I had some hen’s feathers by me, I should have burnt a few, to keep me from given up, and fainting away. And then these words came to me:
“Oh, Doodle! Doodle! You never would have stood by, and seen your relict smashed to pieces before your linement.”
And as I heerd these words, I seen her appearin’ to me. I see the Widder Doodle emergin’ from the crushin’ crowd, and advancin’ onto me like a phantom.
Says I, in a low voice, “Be you a ghost, or be you a phantom? or are you a forerunner, Widder?” Says I, “You be a forerunner, I know you be.”
For even as I looked, I see behind her the form of Solomon Cypher, advancin’ slowly, and appearin’ to me. I felt strange, and feerfully curious.
But within ½ to ⅔ of a moment, my senses came back, for on givin’ her a closer look, I see that no respectable ghost, that thought anything of itself, would be ketched out in company, a-lookin’ so like fungation. I felt better, and says I:
“Widder Doodle, how under the sun did you come here to Dover town?”
Says she, “Samantha, I am married; I am on my tower.”
I thought again, almost wildly, of burnt feathers, but I controlled myself, pretty well, and says:
“Who to?”
“Solemen Cypher,” says she. “We are goin’ to his brother’s on our tower.”
As she said this, it all came back to me—Solemen’s talk the day he came to borry my cloze for the mourners: her visits to his housekeeper sense; and his strange and foolish errents to our house from day to day. Why, he had made such strange and mysterious errents to our house since his wife died, that I had told Josiah “I believed Solemen Cypher wus a-loosin’ his faculties,” and I shouldn’t have been a mite surprised to have had him beset us to lend him a meetin’ house, or try to get the loan of an Egyptian mummy. Now I see through them strange and mysterious errents of his’n. But I didn’t speak my thoughts; I only said, almost mechanically:
“Widder Doodle, what under the sun hus put it into your head to marry?”
“Wall,” she said, she “had kinder got into the habit of marryin’, and it seemed some like 2nd nater to her, and she thought Solemen had some of Mr. Doodle’s liniment, and she thought she’d kinder marry to him, and——”
She tried to excuse it off, but she didn’t give any firm reason that carried conviction to my soul. But I says to myself, in reasonable axents:
“Samantha, can you—can you ever obtain anything to carry from an ort?”
I see, on lookin’ closer at her, what made her look so oncommon curius. She had tried to dress sort o’ bridy, and at the same time was a-mournin’ for Doodle. (She never will get that man out of her head, I don’t believe.)
She said she “didn’t want to hurt Solemen’s feelin’s. She put on the white bobbinet lace to please Cypher. But,” says she, “though Solemen don’t mistrust it, my black bead collar and jest half of my weddin’ dress means Doodle.”
It was a black and white lawn, with big, even checks. The skirt was gathered in full all round, and it was made plain waist. It sot pretty well, only it drawed in acrost the chest. (She made it herself and cut it too narrer.) She had a shawl with a palm-leaf border, that she had when she married Doodle; and a Leghorn bonnet that she wore on the same occasion. It came over her face considerable, and had a bunch of artifishel flowers on each side of her face. Her veil was made out of an old white lace cape of her’n, but the edgin’ round it was new—four cents a yard, for she told me so. And she had a pair of new white gloves, No. 7, purchased with a view to their shrinkin’ in the future, and a white cotton handkerchief. But she told me (in strict confidence,) that she had got a black pocket to her dress, and she had on a new pair of black elastic garters. Says she, “I cannot forget Doodle. I never can forget that dear man.” I knew she couldn’t.
Solemen seemed to use her pretty middlin’ well, only I could see that he felt above her feerfully. He acted dretful domineerin’, and seemed to feel very, very haughty toward wimmin. He looked down on us awfully as a race, and said we should both probably get hurt before we left the ground.
He and Josiah went out to look at some cattle for a few moments, and the widder, bein’ very talkative, told me all about her courtships. I says to her:
“Widder, I believe you mean well, but how under the sun could you marry a man six weeks after his wife died?”
“Wall,” says she, “Solemen said that the corpse wouldn’t be no deader than it was then, if he waited three or four months, as some men did.”
“And,” says she, “he asked me to have him in a dretful handsome way,” says she. “‘The Children of the Abbey,’ or ‘Thadeus of Warsaw,’ nor none of ’em, couldn’t have done it up in any more romantic and foamin’ way.” Says she, “The way on’t wus, I had been to see his housekeeper, and he was bringin’ me home, and I wus a praisin’ up his wagon and horses—a new double wagon with a spring seat,—and all of a suddent he spoke out, in a real ardent and lover like tone:
“‘Widder Doodle! if you will be my bride, the wagon is your’n, and the mares,’ says he. ‘Widder, I throw myself onto your feet, and I throw the wagon, and the mares, and with them I throw eighty-five acres of good land, fourteen cows, five calves, four three-year-olds and a yearlin’; a dwellin’-house, a new horse-barn, and myself. I throw ’em all onto your feet, and there we lay on ’em.’
“He waited for me to answer. And it flustrated me so, that I says, ‘O, Doodle! Doodle! if you wus alive you would tell me what to do to do right!’
“And that,” she said, “seemed to mad him; his forehead all wrinkled up, and he looked as black and hard as a stove-pipe. And he yelled out that he ‘didn’t want to hear nothin’ about no Doodle, and he wouldn’t, nuther.’
“And I took out my handkerchief and cried on it, and he said he’d ‘overlook Doodle for once.’ And then he said agin, in a kind of a solemn and warnin’ way:
“‘Widder, I am a layin’ on your feet, and my property is there, my land, my live stock, my housen and my housen stuff, and I, are all a layin’ on your feet. Make up your mind and make it up at once, for if you don’t consent, I have got other views ahead on me, which must be seen to instantly and at once. Time is hastenin’, and the world is full of willin’ wimmen. Widder, what do you say?”
“And then,” says she, “I kinder consented and he said we’d be married the first of the week, and he turn off the hired girl and I could come right there and do the housework, and tend to the milk of fourteen cows, and be almost perfectly happy. He thought as he was hurried with his fall’s work, we’d better be married Sunday, so’s not to break into the week’s work; so we wuz,” says she, “we wuz married last Sunday, and we kep’ it still from you, so’s to surprise you.”
“Truly you have,” says I. But I didn’t have no time to add or multiply any more words, for my Josiah came jest then and we started off homewards.
After we had well got started, Josiah spoke up, and begun to grumble and find fault about their marriage so soon after Nancy Cypher’ses decease. He took on for as much as a mile, or a mile and a-half. Says he, “If Solomon Cypher didn’t have no decency, nor know nothin’, I should have thought the widder would have told him better.”
But I looked him calmly in the face and says I, “Josiah, when you are doin’ a sum in arithmetic, how much do you usually get to carry from an ort?” And then I came out still more plainer, and says I, “Ort from ort leaves how many, Josiah Allen?”
“Ort,” says he. “But what under the sun are you a-prancin’ off into ’rithmetic for?”
“Wall,” says I, calmly, “When you obtain anything to carry from an ort, then I will obtain sense from the widder, I mean the bride. But who would think of blaming the ort?”