Appendix A: Excerpts from WOOF!
In a fabricated advertisement (Issue #4; February, 1981), Atmananda poked fun at televangelists: "Dear Friends in Christ... I want to offer you my secrets of success so that you can make fantastic profits before the world ends! This offer is good for a limited time only, so act now. Send $500.00 for my new book, Better Living With Jesus Through Voodoo. You will receive your copy in a plain brown bag. Here is a brief selection of some of the wonderful topics my book covers: 1) How to make Satan work for you, 2) Selling religious trinkets to the poor, 3) Using television to rake in the millions, 4) Fourteen genuine fake miracles you can impress your congregation with, 5) Using guilt to pry the last pennies from your friends' pockets, 6) How to make your own religion look good while defaming all the others, 7) Convincing people that you once took Jesus to lunch, 8) Seven great strategies to win at pinball, 9) How to give a fire and brimstone sermon that will cast fear into the hearts of all Christians, 10) Tax shelters to protect your new fortunes. All this and more can be yours if you act now! Don't delay. Send for my book today. Yours in Christ and Heavenly Bucks$, The Right Reverend Armageddon T. Thunderbird, Esq."
In "Swami Muktaneeshprabhphada's Thoughts For Clean Living & Laundry" (Issue #6; March, 1981), Atmananda satirized Indian gurus: "Greetings on you, my favorite little people! Today I am going to discuss things with so much spiritual significance... You all want to attain Illumination, I know that you do. You are good children. But at the same time many of you have dirty and disgusting thoughts about sex, sex and sex. Now you must put these rotten thoughts away. You can't achieve Enlightenment thinking about sex. You must think about me. If you meditate on your dear old Swami then you will become pure—like your laundry... "
In "Constipation Cure" (Issue #7; April, 1981), Atmananda struck out at the Moonies: "Constipated? Can't go at all? REAM YOURSELF with Reverend Mune's Original Korean Holistic Reamer. All Natural, Heavy Metal, Available in decorator colors."
In "Polarity Institute For The Criminally Insane—Formerly Twingle's Military Academy for the Criminally Insane" (Issue #6; March, 1981), Atmananda lambasted New Age groups: "Dear Holistic Friends, It is with the greatest joy that I can invite you to a free weekend of fun and kinkyness at the GRAND OPENING of the Polarity Institute for the Criminally Insane. We know that if you will come to one or two of our free sessions we can hook you into a long term program which will cost you thousands!... How do we manage this? By putting pictures in our ads that are filled with subliminal sexual stimulation, by filling our ads with a lot of nonsense about the types of therapies we offer. And last but not least, by relying on your own insecurity and lack of faith in your own natural healing abilities. Choose from any of the fine therapeutic programs we offer to you: 1) QUESADILLA WRAPS. Imagine your naked body being wrapped in warm cheese-filled Quesadillas. Very good for gout and ingrown toenails. 2) Luxuriate in a GUACAMOLE HOT TUB. Wonderful for mild psychosis. 3) LIE ON ONE OF OUR EXCLUSIVE 'Clam Beds' and be stroked with a flamingo feather by Ultra Violet, one of our staff 'workers.' 4) TEQUILLA & GINSENG BODY RUB Wonderful for asthma, heart attack, cerebral hemorrhage and mild back aches. Located in Beautiful Downtown Tijuana, The Home Of The Stars. Gwidcard accepted."