NOAH’S ARK
The progress made in the great art of ship-building since Noah’s time is quite noticeable. Also, the looseness of the navigation laws in the time of Noah is in quite striking contrast with the strictness of the navigation laws of our time. It would not be possible for Noah to do in our day what he was permitted to do in his own. Experience has taught us the necessity of being more particular, more conservative, more careful of human life. Noah would not be allowed to sail from Bremen in our day. The inspectors would come and examine the Ark, and make all sorts of objections. A person who knows Germany can imagine the scene and the conversation without difficulty and without missing a detail. The inspector would be in a beautiful military uniform; he would be respectful, dignified, kindly, the perfect gentleman, but steady as the north star to the last requirement of his duty. He would make Noah tell him where he was born, and how old he was, and what religious sect he belonged to, and the amount of his income, and the grade and position he claimed socially, and the name and style of his occupation, and how many wives and children he had, and how many servants, and the name, sex, and age of the whole of them; and if he hadn’t a passport he would be courteously required to get one right away. Then he would take up the matter of the Ark:
‘What is her length?’
‘Six hundred feet.’
‘Depth?’
‘Sixty-five.’
‘Beam?’
‘Fifty or sixty.’
‘Built of——’
‘Wood.’
‘What kind?’
‘Shittim and gopher.’
‘Interior and exterior decorations?’
‘Pitched within and without.’
‘Passengers?’
‘Eight.’
‘Sex?’
‘Half male, the others female.’
‘Ages?’
‘From a hundred years up.’
‘Up to where?’
‘Six hundred.’
‘Ah! going to Chicago; good idea, too. Surgeon’s name?’
‘We have no surgeon.’
‘Must provide a surgeon. Also an undertaker—particularly the undertaker. These people must not be left without the necessities of life at their age. Crew?’
‘The same eight.’
‘The same eight?’
‘The same eight.’
‘And half of them women?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Have they ever served as seamen?’
‘No, sir.’
‘Have the men?’
‘No, sir.’
‘Have any of you ever been to sea?’
‘No, sir.’
‘Where were you reared?’
‘On a farm—all of us.’
‘This vessel requires a crew of eight hundred men, she not being a steamer. You must provide them. She must have four mates and nine cooks. Who is captain?’
‘I am, sir.’
‘You must get a captain. Also a chambermaid. Also sick nurses for the old people. Who designed this vessel?’
‘I did, sir.’
‘Is it your first attempt?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘I partly suspected it. Cargo?’
‘Animals.’
‘Kind?’
‘All kinds.’
‘Wild or tame?’
‘Mainly wild.’
‘Foreign or domestic?’
‘Mainly foreign.’
‘Principal wild ones?’
‘Megatherium, elephant, rhinoceros, lion, tiger, wolf, snakes—all the wild things of all climes—two of each.’
‘Securely caged?’
‘No, not caged.’
‘They must have iron cages. Who feeds and waters the menagerie?’
‘We do.’
‘The old people?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘It is dangerous—for both. The animals must be cared for by a competent force. How many animals are there?’
‘Big ones, seven thousand; big and little together, ninety-eight thousand.’
‘You must provide twelve hundred keepers. How is the vessel lighted?’
‘By two windows.’
‘Where are they?’
‘Up under the eaves.’
‘Two windows for a tunnel six hundred feet long and sixty-five feet deep? You must put in the electric light—a few arc lights and fifteen hundred incandescents. What do you do in case of leaks? How many pumps have you?’
‘None, sir.’
‘You must provide pumps. How do you get water for the passengers and the animals?’
‘We let down the buckets from the windows.’
‘It is inadequate. What is your motive power?’
‘What is my which?’
‘Motive power. What power do you use in driving the ship?’
‘None.’
‘You must provide sails or steam. What is the nature of your steering apparatus?’
‘We haven’t any.’
‘Haven’t you a rudder?’
‘No, sir.’
‘How do you steer the vessel?’
‘We don’t.’
‘You must provide a rudder, and properly equip it. How many anchors have you?’
‘None.’
‘You must provide six. One is not permitted to sail a vessel like this without that protection. How many life-boats have you?’
‘None, sir.’
‘Provide twenty-five. How many life-preservers?’
‘None.’
‘You will provide two thousand. How long are you expecting your voyage to last?’
‘Eleven or twelve months.’
‘Eleven or twelve months. Pretty slow—but you will be in time for the Exposition. What is your ship sheathed with—copper?’
‘Her hull is bare—not sheathed at all.’
‘Dear man, the wood-boring creatures of the sea would riddle her like a sieve and send her to the bottom in three months. She cannot be allowed to go away in this condition; she must be sheathed. Just a word more: Have you reflected that Chicago is an inland city, and not reachable with a vessel like this?’
‘Shecargo? What is Shecargo? I am not going to Shecargo.’
‘Indeed? Then may I ask what the animals are for?’
‘Just to breed others from.’
‘Others? Is it possible that you haven’t enough?’
‘For the present needs of civilisation, yes; but the rest are going to be drowned in a flood, and these are to renew the supply.’
‘A flood?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Are you sure of that?’
‘Perfectly sure. It is going to rain forty days and forty nights.’
‘Give yourself no concern about that, dear sir, it often does that here.’
‘Not this kind of rain. This is going to cover the mountain-tops, and the earth will pass from sight.’
‘Privately—but of course not officially—I am sorry you revealed this, for it compels me to withdraw the option I gave you as to sails or steam. I must require you to use steam. Your ship cannot carry the hundredth part of an eleven-months’ water-supply for the animals. You will have to have condensed water.’
‘But I tell you I am going to dip water from outside with buckets.’
‘It will not answer. Before the flood reaches the mountain-tops the fresh waters will have joined the salt seas, and it will all be salt. You must put in steam and condense your water. I will now bid you good-day, sir. Did I understand you to say that this was your very first attempt at ship-building?’
‘My very first, sir, I give you the honest truth. I built this Ark without having ever had the slightest training or experience or instruction in marine architecture.’
‘It is a remarkable work, sir, a most remarkable work. I consider that it contains more features that are new—absolutely new and unhackneyed—than are to be found in any other vessel that swims the seas.’
‘This compliment does me infinite honour, dear sir, infinite; and I shall cherish the memory of it while life shall last. Sir, I offer my duty, and most grateful thanks. Adieu.’
No, the German inspector would be limitlessly courteous to Noah, and would make him feel that he was among friends, but he wouldn’t let him go to sea with that Ark.