John Bull's Womankind (Les Filles de John Bull)

by Max O'Rell

I.

The Reverend Bartholomew Goodman, vicar of E... was the only representative of orthodoxy in that pretty little town of Devonshire. Though rheumatic, this salaried believer in apostolic succession was, correctly speaking, neither saint nor martyr. He had a wife and children, and, one year with another, his living brought him in about five hundred pounds.

He dogmatised but little, he would have feared to fail in respect towards his Alma Mater, the Anglican Church, in seeking to defend her, or prove that she only had the sole monopoly of the salvation of souls. Being no great theologian, but endowed with a simple soul and decidedly middling abilities, he contented himself with preaching to his flock the old story, as he was pleased to call the doctrine of Christ.

His sermons were very mediocre productions of the mind, in spite of the time he spent over their manufacture; and when his wife would pity him for all the labour they cost him, he would answer with a sigh: “My dear, it is true my sermons do take up a good deal of my time, but it is those who are obliged to listen to them that you should pity, and not me.”

This excellent man had his hobby, as indeed every Englishman has, especially if he be a bit of a theologian; he firmly believed that the English nation was none other than the ten tribes of Israel, who disappeared after the destruction of Jerusalem. The matter formed a never-ending subject of discussion for him, and when he chanced to come across a good soul ready to listen to him, he grew animated and almost eloquent over his theme. The idea was ever present with him, and if he retired to rest at night, beside his virtuous spouse, without having discovered some new proof of the identity of the House of Israel with the British nation, he would exclaim with Titus, “I have lost a day.”

Of all the domestic animals that drew breath about the vicarage there was not one more docile and useful, in the eyes of Mrs. Bartholomew Goodman, than the reverend gentleman, her husband.

The worthy lady had taken the management of the parish into her own hands. In her estimation, her husband was a good, well-meaning vicar, incapable of anything beyond the writing of his sermons. As these sermons were dull enough to send one to sleep standing up, and it was usual to listen to them in a sitting posture, their chance of doing good was but small. Besides, added Mrs. Goodman to herself, sermons never converted anybody yet. The blackest sinner does not recognise his own portrait in the descriptions of the lost that fall from the preacher’s lips. No, when the sermon is over, each hearer goes away very well satisfied with himself, simply reflecting on his homeward way: “Poor Smith! or poor Brown! how straight the vicar preached at him this morning!” It is always to one’s neighbour that the satires of the stage or the diatribes of the pulpit apply, and that is why no one thinks of getting angry at church or in the theatre.

To produce any effect upon the sinner, you must adopt arguments ad hominem; you must beard the animal in his den. This rôle of champion of the Church militant Mrs. Goodman had marked out for herself. Satan never found himself confronted with a more formidable enemy.

Mrs. Goodman, it should be explained, seemed to be built for battle: six feet high, alert and thin as a greyhound, with little piercing eyes, a complete and formidable-looking cage of teeth, an aquiline nose, curving boldly downward towards a long flat chin that it seemed to threaten one day to join; everything about this soldier of the faith denoted a resolution equal to the most arduous undertaking, a resolution that neither rebuffs, ridicule, nor danger could shake.

At the voice of his wife, the good vicar was wont to tremble with respect and apprehension.

In England, where wives are so docile, so respectful and submissive to their husbands, the wife of the clergyman seems to be an exception to the rule. It is easy to understand why. It is always more or less the garb that makes the monk. For us, the priest means the black cassock and the white surplice, that is to say austerity and innocence. Whether it be prejudice or not, it seems difficult to reconcile the idea of a priest’s life with that of a husband, even the most saintly husband on earth. You may call your wife your chaste spouse as much as you like, it will always mean that she is chaste towards others, that she is faithful to you; but after all, how shall I explain myself? Well ... I never heard that the children of the clergy fall from the moon into their mother’s arms: that is all I can say.

I never could understand that curious being, a married priest. I mean the veritable priest by vocation, the pastor of souls, the evangelist. We are not treating here of those clergymen who are savants, professors, writers, perfect gentlemen indeed, thorough men of the world, taking the expression in its best sense; still less are we treating of those clergymen who enter Holy Orders because it gives a good standing in life, and increases their chance of making a rich marriage, and who do not turn Mahometans, because the Mahometan faith is not fashionable in England, and would open up to a man no lucrative career.

The evangelical parson, who would be horrified at the idea of taking his glass of whisky without first having said grace over it, and who, in our opinion, can scarcely fail to accord to the bliss of matrimony less anticipated gratitude than he bestows on his glass of grog;[9] this man must appear strange indeed, incomprehensible to a woman who is witness of all his little failings—taking for granted that he has no defects, and of course no vices—to a woman, that little Argus-eyed observer, who is, I say, witness of a thousand actions which prove to her that this priest is only a man ... like other men. For us, on the contrary, a priest is not like other men; scarcely is he a man in our eyes. No, I cannot realise the idea; it is beyond my conception. The slit-up surplice that I dare not name, for, in shape, it is the most ridiculous-looking garment of a man’s wardrobe.... No, no! in the bedroom, this oracle and his wife must certainly be unable to keep their countenance.

[9] See [Appendix (c)].

This is not all.

The wife of a Protestant minister has a thousand and one occupations which render her important, and these occupations are more manly than those of her husband: she puts his theories into practice. He makes sermons and collections; she distributes alms, visits the sick, organises associations, fêtes, bazaars, concerts, lectures, tea-parties at a shilling a head; she is the dispenser of all the favours of the vicarage.

Now, place woman on a footing of equality with man, and her natural instinct will soon place her on a pedestal from which she will exercise authority overbearingly. I say overbearingly, for woman being born to be protected, when she takes the upper hand, does so like a parvenue; that is, fussily, indiscreetly.

This natural instinct Mrs. Goodman possessed in the highest degree; her husband could have given evidence upon the point.

The vicar’s wife had other reasons for believing herself superior to her husband. She was of aristocratic origin, and pretended to be descended from the Irish kings. For that matter, we may take the opportunity of remarking that we have not yet met with any Irish people that were not descended, in a straight line, from the ancient kings of Ireland. If we were to believe the excellent Hibernians, our Louis XII. never half so well earned the title of Father of the People as these old monarchs of Erin. The exploits of Hercules are mere child’s play by the side of the tours de force of those lusty Celts.

Proud of her ancestors, Mrs. Goodman often reminded the poor pastor of his obscure birth. “I ought to be the wife of a bishop,” she would sometimes say to him, when he did not seem sufficiently lost in admiration before her. “Alas, would that you were, my dear!” thought the worthy man. And as he was good-natured and had no reason for wishing harm to the chief of his diocese, the wish died on his lips and was almost inaudible.

We believe we have said enough to prove that the Rev. Bartholomew Goodman found his purgatory in this world, which must have been, for his Christian soul, a great consolation and even a source of joy, since the Protestant religion does not admit of the existence of this place of purification in the next.

II.

One morning in the spring of the year 188... Mr. Goodman, vicar of the parish of All Angels, sat in his study writing his two sermons for the following Sunday.

As we have said elsewhere, sermons are read from the pulpit in England; at least, this is the practice of Anglican clergymen, and we have explained the reason why.

Now, as for centuries past, the hundreds of religious reviews, magazines, and newspapers, have been publishing sermons, when a clergyman has a rather limited allowance of imagination, these periodicals furnish him with the materials for edifying the faithful on Sundays; he has but to copy old sermons. For proof of this, you need only take a peep at the great reading-room of the British Museum any Saturday of the year. Every seat is monopolised by the ministers of the hundred and odd religious sects who have set themselves the task of wiping out from the registers of the next world the thousand and one little stains that John Bull has contracted in this. It is a sight worth looking at to see them poring over old dusty volumes, from which is to be extracted the balm that is to give fresh life to the flocks confided to their care. While listening to the scratching of these hundreds of quills as they flew over the paper I have sometimes said to myself: “Some folks earn their salaries easily.” And yet the public good should be the first consideration, and, after all, I do not know that there is any harm about copying a sermon. On the contrary, why not follow the advice that Voltaire gives in the Dictionnaire Philosophique, at the chapter of Eloquence? This is what he says after having spoken of Massillon: “Such masterpieces are very rare; besides, everything has become common-place. Those preachers who cannot imitate these great models would do well to learn them by heart, and (supposing they have that rare gift, a talent for declamation) recite them to their congregation, piece by piece, instead of holding forth in a wearisome manner upon themes as stale as uninstructive.”

The regular Saturday visitors of the British Museum are quite of the same opinion, only, as to commit to memory two sermons a week, and sometimes more, would take up too much of the precious time that they owe to the spiritual family that have to be fed with the Word of Life, they copy them off, and read instead of reciting them: it is an economy of labour.

“Whenever I wish to move my hearers,” said a worthy parish priest one day, “I repeat some Massillon to them.”

But the fact is that pulpit eloquence is not much encouraged in England. A really eloquent preacher would approach too nearly to the actor to please a people so susceptible in religious matters. He would not inspire confidence. The Englishman likes dogma before all things; torrents of eloquence, à la Bossuet, would make him look askance at the preacher; phrases polished and studied like those of Flechier, expressions elegant and graceful, like those of Massillon, would awaken suspicions in his mind; what he prefers is argument pure and simple, and leaves to the lower orders the pleasure of being terrified by revivalists.

We were speaking of English pulpit eloquence one day to an important member of the political world. “English pulpit eloquence!” said he to me, “we have none.”

——“Yet, I heard Canon X. preach in the Abbey the other day,” I said, “and I assure you I never heard anything more graceful; he fascinated me. He is an eloquent preacher at all events.”

——“Yes,” replied he, “Canon X. is a very good speaker, it is true ... but, my dear sir, if he could only hold his tongue, he would be a bishop.”

The canon in question has just been made a bishop after all; but only a colonial bishop at the antipodes. If our English readers recognise him, I offer them the primeur of the anecdote.

Our good Vicar had just copied out his morning sermon; but as he wanted, in the evening, to thunder from the pulpit against romanism, ritualism, methodism, socinianism, secularism, materialism, and all those evils in ism, which, added to his rheumatism, rendered his existence almost intolerable, he was, at the moment mentioned at the opening of the chapter, just in the fire of composition. He wanted to take his congregation by storm, and, like Calchas, he was preparing his thunder.

But it was chiefly the Salvation Army that aroused his ire; it was for these Sabbath breakers, that would come and shout and gesticulate under his very windows, yelling blasphemous songs, accompanied by trombones, cornets, concertinas, drums, and tambourines: it was for these that he reserved his most powerful batteries and his avalanches of anathemas.

He had chosen as his text for the occasion, the fifth verse of the sixth chapter of the gospel according to St. Matthew: “And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues, and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men.”

The good clergyman would have liked to take for his text merely the latter part of this verse, for in the depths of his honest heart, it seemed to him that this verse in its integrity ought to be interpreted thus: “When thou prayest, do not as the hypocrites do, neither pray in the temples nor in the streets,” that is to say, “Pray not in public to be seen of men.” And he knew very well that this interpretation of it was corroborated in the following verse, which says: “But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and pray to thy Father which is in secret.”

The Holy Scriptures in English seem to be so written that each sect shall be able to take that which suits its theories, and reject all that does not. It is thus that the hundred and eighty-four religious beliefs of England are founded upon the Scriptures, and that out of the same Scriptures each of them condemns its hundred and eighty-three rivals.

Yet, in spite of this, all these self-styled seekers after the truth live in peace, in perfect harmony. The nation is so accustomed to liberty that religious eccentricity appears to them a simple and natural thing. But the ministers of all the denominations agree to differ from the Gospel on the matter of meeting together in public to pray. Their unanimity on this point is easy to understand. Indeed, what would become of the priests and the lawyers, if every man were free to plead his own cause before God and men? Besides, so long as man is human, he will always be pleased to have an occasion of advertising his virtue, and he who would make a short prayer in his closet with the door shut, makes a very long one in the temple, before his fellow-creatures whom he edifies with his piety.

The Vicar, with his head buried in his hands, was absorbed in the deepest reflections, when the door of the library was opened suddenly, and Mrs. Goodman entered hurriedly, a book in her hand.

This book was a copy of the New Testament, revised and corrected by the Commission for the revision of the Holy Scriptures.

“Well, this is a pretty state of things!” cried that lady breathlessly, as she dropped into an easy chair.

——“What is the matter, my dear?” asked the Vicar.

——“What is the matter! What is the matter indeed! A pretty question to ask! The matter is that we are ruined; that before very long, thanks to the bishops and the rest, whose business it is to look after the interests of our Holy Church, the country will soon be full of materialists and infidels.”

——“Come, come; what is all this about, my dear?” said the reverend gentleman quietly.

——“What is it about! Ah! my dear, it is easy to see you are paid by the State, from the way in which you take things. There, read that, and see what you think of it. It’s a very pretty state of things truly! What is it coming to? Who is to be trusted? We are betrayed, swindled, lost....”

——“But, my dear, once more, who is it you are so bitter against? I cannot see what can have put you into such a state of mind.”

——“Ah! really! You don’t see that, instead of keeping that precious phrase that sums up Christianity: ‘What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his own soul,’ the New Version has: ‘What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world, and lose his own life’?”

——“I see it very well; but read the reference: or his soul. You have not looked at the foot of the page.”

——“That hesitation only makes the matter worse. The translators had much better have said frankly what they mean.”

——“The Greek word psuche signifies soul as well as breath, life.”

——“Much I care for your Greek,” cried Mrs. Goodman, indignant. “Do your congregation know anything about Greek? What will they think of us? That for centuries past, the Church has been deceiving them and making them pay tithes for nothing. Can’t you see that this change is tantamount to saying there is no hell? Just as well say that our Saviour never spoke of the other world, that everything He said applies to the life here below, and that His precepts were only given to teach the people to be happy in this world. It is frightful to think of! We must not be surprised at anything after this. The next thing I shall expect to see, is the bishops rallying round the Unitarians and denying the divinity of Christ. That there is no such place as purgatory, I am quite ready to admit; but if there is no hell, while I am in Heaven, where will the sinners be, my poor Barty? where will the sinners be?”

This little pet name, that the worthy lady only called her husband by on great occasions, made the good Vicar feel sure that his wife had come to him to seek some consolation. He accordingly set about trying to pour balm on her wounds.

“Calm yourself, my dear wife,” he said to her; “calm yourself. To tell you the truth, I attach but a secondary importance to the New Testament, and you know it; this is between ourselves. We are Christians undoubtedly; but our glorious origin, traced from the Old Testament, is a title much more sacred to us. So that we are descended from Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, that we are the chosen people of the Lord, what matters anything else to us?”

And in this matter the reverend gentleman was right. The religion of the English is more Jewish than Catholic, and it might safely be affirmed that an Englishman of the old school would sooner suffer one to speak jokingly of any of the saints than of one of the characters of the Old Testament, even though it might be Mrs. Potiphar, or one of the ladies of the Lot family.

“No, my dear,” continued the Vicar; “be sure that no harm can befall us. We are the just and holy nation, the heritage of the Lord.”

——“That is all very well ... for the future world,” replied Mrs. Goodman; “but for the present, I do not see how you are going to explain to the congregation a change that appears to me to overturn the structure of our Church completely. If we do not maintain our precepts, we are done for. The Church should be consistent. Look at the Pope: with his dogma of infallibility, he is still on his throne.”

——“After all, my dear, if one did away with hell, there would be no great harm done, and our greatest dignitaries of the Anglican Church are of this opinion, you know.”

——“Do away with hell!” cried Mrs. Goodman; “if you take that line, we may as well shut up the Church.”

——“You excite yourself for nothing, my dear, and you are wrong to express yourself in such a way.”

——“Protest then.”

——“Against whom, against what would you have me protest? The authorities of the Church have decided the alteration; we subalterns have but to bow to their decision. Besides, I shall tell my congregation that in the New Version life means future life.”

——“Very good, Barty; a good idea, for, be sure of it, you can’t get on without any hell: it is the fear of the devil that keeps the masses in submission.”

——“My dear wife, I assure you once more, that if there is a hell, it matters not to us: the House of Israel—that is to say, the British nation—will be saved to the last soul.”

——“And the others?”

——“What others?”

——“Why, the French, the Germans, the Italians, the Chinese, and the rest. What will become of them? Won’t there be any of them in Paradise?”

——“A few perhaps, but in very inferior places, you may be sure.”

——“Who dies will see,” said Mrs. Goodman.

——“Just so; make yourself comfortable; calm yourself, and have no fear for the future. And now let me finish my sermon for to-morrow.”

——“Don’t talk to me of your sermons; you have enough of them, there in your cupboards, to preach from, for the rest of your days.”

——“My dear, it is a sermon of my own composition that I am preparing.”

——“That will be a treat for the congregation! Come, put away all that, and drive me to the station; the carriage is ready.”

——“It is impossible, my love; I have several letters to write.”

——“You can write them to-morrow.”

——“You would not have me write letters on a Sunday!” cried the Vicar.

——“Can’t you date them the day before? Really, Barty, I did not think you were so simple as that.”

——“Besides,” added the worthy Mr. Goodman, “I have several places to go to, a lot of bills to pay: the tradesmen are bothering me....”

——“Send them some tracts to remind them that humility and patience are Christian virtues.”

——“That does not pay in these days.”

——“Whose fault is it? How can you expect that those people will believe in you, when you don’t believe in yourselves?”

——“My dear, my dear, I beg you will not renew that subject. You give me a headache. Come, you are right to make me go out; I will drive you to the station.”

Of all the tasks Mrs. Goodman set her husband, the one the reverend gentleman dreaded most was driving out his model wife. The thought of being able to return alone, and finish his sermon in peace, however, made him put a cheerful face upon it.

The station was four miles distant from the vicarage, and part of the journey consisted of a long steep hill to climb.

Mrs. Goodman, in her quality of member and agent of the Royal Society for the Protection of Animals, never failed to make her husband alight at the foot of the hill. “You are not going to make poor Bob drag you up?” said she: “get down and walk: you get stouter every day; a walk will do you good.” The poor Vicar, heavy and asthmatical, alighted, and puffing, coughing, and breathless, he followed as best he could to the top of the hill, regretting as he went that husbands were not included among the animals protected by the Society.

Arrived at the station, he took a ticket, placed his wife comfortably in the corner of a carriage, and was about to quit the station, when that lady called out to him: “Barty, be sure you don’t forget to walk when you come to the hill.”

“Certainly, my dear,” said the good parson, whom the sight of his wife, starting in a direction opposed to that of the vicarage, rendered facetious; “if you like, I’ll put Bob in the carriage, and push behind ... and the Society for the Protection of Animals will award you a gold medal at least.”

The engine whistled. The Vicar waved his hand to his wife, and returned to his carriage, promising himself to do the return journey at a good pace.

At the foot of the hill, Bob turned his head, according to his wont, to see if his load were going to obey the injunctions of his benefactrice; he even went so far as to bring up, in order to allow the Vicar to get down more comfortably; but that gentleman pretended not to understand the proceedings of the intelligent animal; he even administered to Bob two or three sharp strokes of the whip, which made him grow reflective. Mrs. Goodman’s protégé thought it prudent to step out a little more smartly, and in less than half an hour he had got over his four miles.

The Vicar had his horse put in the stable, the carriage in the coach-house, ordered tea to be taken to him in his library, and to his great satisfaction, was able to terminate the sermon that had been ruminating in his mind so long.

III.

In the parish of All Angels, the children of the poor went every Sunday to a Bible-class held in the church schoolroom.

The first class was under the direction of the Vicar’s wife. Proceedings commenced at three with prayer; then a hymn was sung, and the classes began.

In these Sunday classes, passages of the Bible are read and explained to the children by the teacher.

On the Sunday in question, Mrs. Goodman had chosen as the subject of her lesson the twenty-eighth chapter of Isaiah. As soon as the hymn was over she began to read:

“Woe to the crown of pride, to the drunkards of Ephraim, whose glorious beauty is a fading flower....

“Behold, the Lord hath a mighty and strong one, which as a tempest of hail and a destroying storm, as a flood of mighty waters overflowing, shall cast down to the earth with the hand.

“The crown of pride, the drunkards of Ephraim, shall be trodden under feet.”

“You have heard the marvellous words of the great prophet,” cried the worthy lady. “Well, my dear children, Isaiah meant to say, that God would punish man’s wickedness, vanity and sensuality, and all these prophecies have been fulfilled. That city of gold means Paris, the new Babylon; the crown of pride means France. The strong and mighty one is the Emperor of Germany, who, ever since the day on which he married his son to the daughter of our beloved queen, has had the blessings of the Lord showered upon him.

“This interpretation of the passage I have just read you was the one presented by the dear lamented Dr. Macleod to our gracious sovereign, and Her Majesty was pleased to consider that the words of Isaiah were quite wonderful for the way in which they seemed to describe France. What need have we of a surer authority?

“And, indeed, is it not easy to recognise at a glance that proud and perverse nation which does not even keep the Sabbath holy? Do you know, my dear children, that these Sabbath-breakers hold horse-races and go to theatres on Sundays? Yes, you can scarcely believe it—our upright, honest minds refuse to believe in such monstrous iniquity—yes, newspapers are printed, bought, and read on Sundays. I even saw once, though I could scarcely believe my eyes—I positively saw in the public gardens, on that sacred day, little boys and girls of the better classes playing with their hoops and dancing in front of their parents, who seemed to see no harm in it whatever. It is the abomination of desolation, and I do not hesitate to say it: the Jews and Mussulmans are better than such people; for, after all, if they do not worship the Saviour, at least they worship God. I prefer the savages, who worship the sun, to these infidels who worship nothing at all, and just go down on their knees before a few candles to save appearances.”

——“Please, ’m,” said one little maid timidly, “papa says that the French are Christians.”

——“No, my child, they are papists, which is quite another thing. Most of them are nothing at all. Those who believe in the Pope give him money and receive of him, on a certain day fixed in advance, plenary indulgences that allow them, up to that time, to offend God as much and as often as they please. I am sure your papa would not apply the name of Christian to such pagans. But, make your mind easy, dear; I will go and talk with your papa one of these days.

“Then,” continued Mrs. Goodman, “see what is the result: the day of vengeance and chastisement arrives. A handful of English soldiers annihilates millions of the French: the hordes of Bonaparte are overwhelmed by the few soldiers of the Duke of Wellington.

“And why?

“Ah, why! Because our noble soldiers believed in God and prayed to Him.”

——“Oh! ma’am,” then cried another little girl, “haven’t those wicked French people any prayers?”

——“I can scarcely tell you, my dear child, but I doubt it very much. And even if they had,” said the worthy lady, not in the least disconcerted, “you may be sure that the Lord has something else to do besides listening to such rubbish. For prayer to have any effect, the supplicant must have grace, that is, he must have received permission to lay his supplication at the feet of his Maker. And this grace we only,—we, a God-fearing nation, the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, we the chosen children of the Lord, have in abundance. We are the allies of the God of Israel who has said: ‘The children of Israel shall keep the Sabbath, to observe the Sabbath throughout their generations, for a perpetual covenant.’ And again: ‘Moreover also I gave them my sabbaths, to be a sign between me and them, that they might know that I am the Lord that sanctify them.’

“Now, I ask you, who is it that observes the Sabbath? First, there are the Jews. Then the English and Americans. As I have already explained to you, and as the Vicar has many times proved to you in the pulpit, the Americans are none other than the tribe of Manasseh, and the Jews are all that remain of the perverse tribes of Judah and Levi. The English are therefore the children of the house of Israel. Yes, my children, it is a glorious fact, and you may well be proud of it. So keep your covenant with the Lord who will always recognise you by this sign. I know wicked children who laugh and play on Sundays. Avoid their bad example, and you will one day go to the realms of the blessed, where there reigns an eternal Sabbath.”

The last phrase did not produce in Mrs. Goodman’s pupils the enthusiasm she looked for. Many of them grew reflective over it, as visions of scoldings, punishments, solemn silence, stern looks, and tract-reading, presented themselves to their memory and formed anything but an attractive subject of contemplation.

One little girl even went so far as to burst into a torrent of tears on reaching home.

“What is the matter, my darling?” asked her mother.

——“Oh! mamma,” cried the poor child, bathed in tears, “Mrs. Goodman says in heaven it’s Sunday all the week.”

——“Well, what then?”

——“Oh!” sobbed the distressed innocent, “if I am a very good girl all the week, shan’t I be allowed to go down to hell to play with the little devils on Saturdays?”

It is time I should say that Mrs. Goodman is not at all an imaginary character. I have had the pleasure of enjoying the excellent lady’s company many times. On these occasions, I have had explained to me how the history of Napoleon can be plainly read in the Apocalypse of Saint John, how all the great historical events, from the battle of Hastings down to that of Tel-el-Kebir are spoken of as inevitable by Isaiah, Ezekiel, and other prophets.

You can explain everything with the help of the Bible: as its name indicates, it is the book par excellence. I have heard educated people, apparently in possession of their mental faculties, tell me that the victories of General Wolseley in Egypt were foretold in the third chapter of Jeremiah and the eighteenth verse. I must tell you that this was before the successes of the Mahdi.

However, among all the prophets, it is Isaiah that bears off the palm. The Vicar of All Angels passed a whole evening in showing me the French Revolution under quite a novel aspect, by the aid of the sixty-six chapters of Isaiah.

Mrs. Goodman also taught history to her Sunday School class, after the same fashion, Bible in hand.

It seems to me an error to seek to put the religious convictions of children to the proof. Those castles of abstractions that they build out of obedience must give way at the first shock. The thousand little fibs that are told to children, with a worthy intention, no doubt, cannot fail sometimes to sow in their souls profound impressions and doubts that are not easily uprooted. I speak from the experiences of my own childhood.

It was on a Sunday, in the month of June, 1856, at the time of the grand fêtes at Cherbourg. I was to make my first communion the Sunday following! Heaven knows how I prepared for it with all the fervour of my young soul; how I prayed constantly for faith; how I returned to the tribunal of penitence twice and thrice daily, fearing lest I might have left some small peccadillo unconfessed. On the Sunday in question, we were about thirty children assembled in the church for catechism. The curé, who was present, begged the priest to let him say a few words to us: “My dear children,” he began, “I have a great piece of news to announce to you. His Majesty the Emperor is at present in Cherbourg. Next Sunday, the day of your first communion, he will be passing through this town, and he invites you all to dine with him.” We looked at each other in silence, and if we had not been in such a sacred place, we should certainly have jumped with joy. As soon as I got home, I imparted the great news to my mother. My good mother, who saw that I was almost smacking my lips in advance over the thought of the tartes à la crême that the Emperor could scarcely fail to offer us, and who was always of opinion that you should never disappoint children if you would gain their confidence, merely replied: “Really? it is an extraordinary thing! After all, it is a capital idea of the Emperor’s! But unfortunately, emperors are folks whose time is very much occupied, and it may happen that he should have to return to Paris before being able to keep his engagement. But, make your mind easy, we will invite your aunt, godmother, and our friends, and we will celebrate the day worthily, so that you may not forget it, I will promise you that.” My dear mother knew that we had been deceived. I had swallowed the pill confidently.

On the following Thursday, we met together again for catechism. Seeing the curé among us, we expected he had come with some fresh announcement, and we lent an attentive ear to what might be coming. And indeed, no sooner had we all taken our seats, than he rose, and, addressing us, said: “My dear children, I have a great and glorious piece of news to tell you to-day. I told you last Sunday that the Emperor invited you all to dine with him on the day of your first communion. Well, it is something better than that: it is not the Emperor, it is God who on Sunday next will receive you at His table.”

Was it the fault of the priest, or of children eleven years old, that, at this announcement, all our little round faces lengthened visibly? We had been imposed upon. That was the idea that we dared not confess to ourselves, though it was undoubtedly present in our minds.

I remember hearing my mother say, years afterwards, that she had never forgiven that priest for sowing seeds of doubt in my mind, at an age when confidence is unlimited and deceptions so acutely felt.

XX.
APOTHEOSIS OF THE DAUGHTERS OF JOHN BULL.

(Scenes of disappointment in Paradise in the year 19..)

Jennie.—“My dear Susie! At last! How glad I am to see you!”

Susie.—“At last! my dear: why at last? I came straight up ... without any hitch, as you may imagine.”

Jennie.—“Oh! of course ... I only thought ... that is, you used to long so after Paradise ... that I began to wonder that you were so long making up your mind to leave the vale of tears and misery: ... would you believe there were moments when I used to be almost afraid you would put an end to yourself?”

Susie.—“Well, yes: I certainly used to long to be gone. But it is so hard to be sure that one is ready. No, I used to pray that I might be permitted to serve Him long on the earth, where He has so few servants; and I would say to myself: The longer I live the more good I shall be able to do.”

Jennie.—“Yes, I quite understand you, dear ... besides, between ourselves, it is all very well to run down that poor Earth, but it has its redeeming points, you know.... By the way, I must tell you, I have such an anxiety on my mind. Do you know, I have been searching everywhere for my husband for years ... I have been into every corner of the place, and there is not a soul whom I have not asked if the poor fellow had been seen.... He has not arrived yet, that is evident; ... and I can’t help telling you that I begin to be dreadfully afraid....”

Susie.—“Your husband, my love? He is getting on capitally: he is the picture of health, and seems to grow younger every day.”

Jennie.—“You don’t mean it! Is it possible! I had been told he was inconsolable, and was wasting away. Poor dear! I fancy I see him now as he stood by my bedside. ‘If you go, I shall not be long for this world,’ he said to me.”

Susie.—“Ah! well, my dear, make your mind easy, he is better, he has got over it.”

Jennie.—“Heaven be praised! And yet—I know it’s selfishness—but I should like to have him here with me.”

Susie.—“But has nobody told you he is married?...”

Jennie.—“Married! I don’t believe a word of it.”

Susie.—“It is true enough, though. I took tea with his wife not more than a fortnight ago.”

Jennie.—“Fancy the wretch! What a set the men are to be sure!... And what woman has been mad enough to tie herself to him? the old grumbler, old tyrant, old miser ... the....”

Susie.—“Hush, my love; remember where you are.... Besides, between ourselves, I don’t believe he is over happy.”

Jennie.—“Serve him right ... the idea ... at his age too.... Perhaps he thought he was going to be married for his good looks, the idiot!”

Susie.—“At his age! He calls himself fifty-five....”

Jennie.—“He tells falsehoods; he is sixty, and over.... Oh! if ever I come across him here!... I....”

Susie.—“He has married a very religious woman ... she makes him go to every service ... he is a pattern to all his townsmen.”

Jennie.—“It just serves him right! but who is the woman?”

Susie.—“Sarah Robinson.”

Jennie.—“What! the widow of Robinson, the chemist of High Street?”

Susie.—“Just so.”

Jennie.—“And you say she is religious! Well well, she must have changed since my time, and no mistake. Of course, you know the stories that used to be told about her.... She was no better than she should be, my dear, that is certain ... and....”

Susie.—“Well, she is a model of piety now.”

Jennie.—“Oh! enough of this subject. There, let us talk of something else.... Let me see, when was it you arrived here?”

Susie.—“Yesterday morning, at twenty past eight. Everything seems so strange to me ... this calm ... but what I can’t get over is to see the negroes, the Chinese, the savages; what a number of them are here! ... those that our missionaries converted, I suppose. What a blessed work, our foreign missions! Only I fancy all those converts ought to have a place ... how shall I explain myself? ... marked out for them. To speak candidly, I quite expected to see our glorious nation treated with a great deal more consideration than it seems to be.”

Jennie.—“Yes, isn’t it strange? I can’t understand it at all.”

Susie.—“Would you believe it, I had to wait two mortal hours at the gate yesterday morning, and, when at last my turn came, Saint Peter never even got up to welcome me ... and pay me a compliment or two?... It would have been nothing but polite, I am sure; for, after all, where would Paradise be without us? Who is it that proclaims the glory of God at the four corners of the universe, I should like to know?”

Jennie.—“Yes, indeed; who but ourselves? I can assure you I am very disappointed. Where is the realisation of all the promises our dear minister used to hold out to us?... The kingdom of heaven is England’s inheritance; we are the chosen of the Lord ... and I don’t know what else.... It looks to me as if anybody could get in.... It is very mixed, to say the least. We are treated just like anybody else ... positively if I was not seated between a Cardinal and a Zulu at the Seraphim’s concert last night!”

Susie.—“Can it be possible?”

Jennie.—“It is a fact ... I have even been assured ... but I’ll never believe it unless I see it ... that there were.... But, just look how everyone is crowding towards the great entrance gate ... who can have arrived?”

Surely enough the noise of trumpets, tambourines, cornets, concertinas, a frightful hubbub, had just burst on the ears of the elect, who were rushing to the gate to find out the meaning of these sounds, so strange in those regions of rest and harmony. In the midst of the crowd of new-comers was to be seen a woman brandishing an umbrella, gesticulating, vociferating, and appearing to be in a state of great indignation. Saint Peter had just made his way through the agitated crowd.

Saint Peter.—“My children, calm yourselves, I beg. And you, madam, come in quietly, please; we allow no such noises here. What is it you want?”

Mrs. Bull.—“Well, I never! you seem to take a very high tone with me, I fancy; who are you to speak to me like that?”

Saint Peter.—“I am Saint Peter; and you?”

Mrs. B.—“Indeed! and what if you are? Do you think you are going to have it all your own way here? Do you know that I am a Field-Marshal of the Salvation Army?”

Saint Peter.—“Madam; not so loud, pray.”

Mrs. B.—“Six thousand soldiers under my orders. We will see if I am to be treated anyhow. The idea! A pretty reception for a woman like me!”

Saint Peter.—“Will you listen to me a moment?”

Mrs. B.—“A contributor to the War Cry, the official gazette of the elect ... a million copies printed every week ... three-hundred thousand pounds receipts ... original inventor of the blood-and-fire pomade and tooth paste ... admiral of the Salvation Fleet.”

Saint Peter.—“Can you spare a moment that I may put in....”

Mrs. B.—“Barracks all over England ... allies all over the world.”

Saint Peter.—“Will you allow me to....”

Mrs. B.—“It is easy to see that nobody reads the papers here, or you would all know who I am. Who am I indeed! (turning to her suite). Did you ever hear such a thing? Who am I?”

Saint Peter.—“But, once more, madam....”

Mrs. B.—“Wait a minute, I will just introduce you to my staff ... you will see who I am ... who we are.... Sallie, speak to the gentleman.”

Saint Peter.—“But I have no time to listen to....”

Happy Sallie.—“I am the American tambourinist.... I rescue souls tambour battant.”

Mary Ann.—“I am Captain of the 4th detachment ... allow me to play you a hymn of my own composition” (takes up her cornet).

Betsy.—“I am the solo-singer of Clapton Barracks; let me sing you something.”

Saint Peter.—“My good people, do you take these sacred regions for a Whitsuntide fair? Dear, dear! who sends me all these folks up here? Will you have done this moment; it’s horrible!”

Mrs. B.—“Now then, make room for my followers, and let us be shown to the Seraphs’ Hall....”

Saint Peter.—“My worthy friends, I am ready to forgive you. You have got into the wrong train: your tickets are for Bedlam.... Have the goodness to retire.”

Mrs. B.—“Retire! Ah! if the General were only here, we should not be treated like this. We call upon you to show us to the places that are reserved for us.”

Saint Peter.—“I do not know you.”

Susie.—“I play the Alleluiah trombone.”

Saint Peter.—“There they are, at it again! Go to Jericho, with your Alleluiah trombone, your tambourines, your field-marshal, your captains, and blood and fire soldiers.... Those English people will drive me mad.... Once more, will you move on? You see very well that you are causing an obstruction, there are elect behind you who cannot pass in.... Upon my word, those English people look upon Paradise as a British possession. (All at once the sweetest music is heard; the sound of harps becomes more and more audible.) My friends, have the goodness to stand quite still for a few minutes in a respectful attitude, whilst these blessed ones are passing.” (Twelve seraphs, resplendent with light, advance, preceded by lutes and harps; they smile as they pass before Saint Peter; they continue on their way.)

Mrs. B.—“Who are those blessed ones so dazzling with light?”

Saint Peter.—“They are six-winged seraphs of the first hierarchy, who have been here nearly five hundred years; and I may take the opportunity of telling you that they have never given me the slightest trouble. Gentle, peaceful....”

Mrs. B.—“But who were they on earth? To what sect did they belong?”

Saint Peter.—“They are Incas, of the ancient empire of Peru.”

Mrs. B.—“What! savages! people who wear rings in their noses! Well, I never thought to be insulted like this.”

Saint Peter.—“A more virtuous people never existed on earth, madam; it is virtue put into practice that we reward here, and not fine-sounding theories. In our eyes, he who has given a drop of water and a morsel of bread to a poor fellow-creature is more worthy than he who has discovered a new interpretation of the Holy Scriptures. He who has done a good deed without ostentation, stands higher here than he who has sounded a trumpet, and gone to publish his virtue in the streets and temples. But I should only be wasting time if I tried to explain these things, which do not seem to be in your line. Consider yourselves very fortunate not to be turned out of doors with your trumpets, your drums, and all your noisy and warlike trappings ... and I will trouble you to pass on into the gardens to repose yourselves after your journey, and meditate upon the indulgence of....”

Mrs. B.—“Well, this is the climax! A sermon to me...! (to her companions): Let us go in, my friends; and we must have patience, I suppose. The General cannot fail to be here before very long. We will then form a committee, and call an immense meeting of all the English people that are here ... we will see if it is not possible to place the keys of Paradise in better hands. (To Saint Peter): Au revoir, Saint Peter, we shall meet again.”

While this little scene had been passing at the entrance of Paradise, two of our old friends had just met at the corner of one of the prettiest groves in the realms of the elect.

Mrs. Goodman.—“My dear Bartie! It is you, at last!”

The Reverend B. Goodman.—“Ah! my love, you here! How good it is to see a face one recognises! Come and sit with me a little on this seat. (They sit down.) What a lot you must have to tell me!... Well?”

Mrs. G.—“Well?”

Rev. B. G.—“What a disenchantment, eh!”

Mrs. G.—“If we had only known!”

Rev. B. G.—“If we could only send a messenger down to tell all those worthy people!”

Mrs. G.—“Well! and how about your theory of the ten tribes found? To hear you talk, my poor Bartie, there was going to be no room here for anybody but ourselves....”

Rev. B. G.—“I can’t make it out at all; it bewilders me. Just fancy, my dear, I arrived here last week in the company of a bishop. At the gate, Saint Peter asked us for our names and qualifications. I was not long getting through mine, of course; then up speaks the bishop, in his finest tones, and says: ‘John Thomas, lord-bishop of * * *’ ‘Bishop!’ replies Saint Peter, ‘well ... never mind, you may come in all the same.’ Now, what do you think of that all the same?”

Mrs. G.—“Insolent in the extreme. Ah! my dear, that’s nothing.... Ever since I have been here, I have had constant mortifications; my nerves are irritated every moment by what I see and hear—it is to be hoped I shall get used to it—but it is very trying.... Turn this way.”

Rev. B. G.—“What for?”

Mrs. G.—“Don’t look, I tell you; there are the Watsons just passing; I don’t want to speak to them.... Fancy their being here! I am sure I always thought they would be cooked! ... rolling in riches, and yet putting threepenny bits in the collection-box! ... and refusing to subscribe to the old spire restoration fund. They got in cheaply, and no mistake!... It is all very well to talk, but the best way of proving your interest in a good cause is to put your hand in your pocket.... Ah! one sees strange things here.... I hope you mean to speak at the meeting, Bartie dear?”

Rev. B. G.—“What meeting, my love?”

Mrs. G.—“What meeting? Ah! my poor dear, don’t you know anything about it? Really, one would think you had just fallen here from the moon.... How like you!... Alas! always the same apathy; you have not changed a bit. But thanks be, there are energetic people here, who have the grievances of their countrymen at heart ... we shall protest against the indifference that we meet with on all sides here. We shall call attention to all that we have done on earth, stand upon our rights, and get up a petition.”

Rev. B. G.—“I suppose you belong to the organising committee?”

Mrs. G.—“I have placed all my energy at the disposal of the committee. Ever since I have been here I have been longing to devote my feeble powers to the revindication of our rights to the undivided heritage of the highest abode in the realms of the blessed.... Saint Peter, who, I am bound to say, is very obliging, has kindly consented to take the chair.... I have had such a great deal to do.”

Rev. B. G.—“As secretary?”

Mrs. G.—“Exactly: the part of organising secretary is one that I have always had a great taste for, as you know ... one does not change at my age. Do you see all those people going towards the orange gardens? it is there that the meeting is to be held.... There are the Watsons coming back this way; ... they are evidently going to the meeting. Well, all I can say is, they must be bare-faced enough to go and protest ... however!... Look! positively, they have espied us.... Let us get up ... it is impossible to avoid them now.”

Mrs. Watson.—“Ah! it is our dear vicar! dear Mrs. Goodman, what a happy thing! at last, thanks to the initiative taken by zealous compatriots, we are to carry our complaints before the tribunal of justice.... In an hour the meeting begins.... Shall we walk together?”

Mrs. G.—“With pleasure.”

Mrs. W.—“On the way we shall be able to talk of old times and the friends we left in our dear little town.... Ah! Mrs. Goodman, they little dream of what we are doing on their behalf.”

Mrs. G.—(Aside to her husband)—“What impudence! we indeed!”

(The group, now followed by an immense crowd, proceeds towards the orange gardens.)

GRAND DEMONSTRATION.
INDIGNATION MEETING.

Saint Peter took the chair at eight o’clock precisely. In a few graceful and feeling remarks he explained the object of the meeting and then called upon the secretary to read to the audience the minutes of the last meeting of the organising committee.

Mrs. G.—(This lady on rising was greeted with three rounds of applause.)—“Blessed Saint, ladies and gentlemen. At its last meeting the temporary committee of organisation arrived at the following decision: ‘Whereas from time immemorial, those of the elect who are of British origin have made fruitless complaints on the subject of the treatment which they meet with in Paradise, the committee decides upon holding a meeting of the said elect to take into consideration the best means of putting an end to such a regrettable state of things, a state of things which threatens to disturb the harmony of these blessed realms.’”

The President.—“I call upon Miss Evvins to address the meeting.”

Miss Evvins.—“Against the fact that all nations seem to reign here, we have nothing to say. That the divine mercy should embrace even the most irreligious people, we can comprehend, and we bow to such a decision; but when we see people who were converted by our own paid missionaries, for instance, occupying places here higher than our own, and treated with respect that is not bestowed upon ourselves, we think it our duty to protest against such a state of things. If each one is to be rewarded according to his work we certainly do not receive our due. We might as well be mere Zulus.” (Groans and hisses.)

A Zulu.—“My ancestors, it is true, practised virtue; but I can assure the honourable speaker, that since we made the acquaintance of the English, we have not been much better than they.”

Several voices.—“Turn him out!” (The Zulu is seized upon and ejected.)

Miss Evvins.—“It is by persuasion, and not by violent means, that we wish to obtain redress for our grievances....”

Mrs. B.—“I ask to be allowed to say a few words.”

Miss E.—“We have drawn up a petition to this effect, which we shall ask you to sign, and which is worded as follows: ‘Considering that the British nation is the most virtuous on earth, and that she alone sets an example to the world by her piety, her religious researches, her religious associations, her respect for petty nations, her chivalry towards oppressed peoples, her contempt for filthy lucre, her sobriety, and other no less virtuous qualities; the undersigned members of the great and glorious British family humbly ask that such virtue may receive the reward it deserves.’” (Hear, hear.)

The Rev. B. Goodman.—“I should like to propose an amendment, or rather to suggest a change in the wording of the petition that we have just heard read.”

The President.—“The Reverend Mr. Goodman will propose an amendment.”

Mrs. B.—“I asked leave to speak before the reverend gentleman.”

The President.—“We will hear you after.”

Mrs. B.—“I want to speak at once....”

The President.—“I tell you that....”

Mrs. B.—“I protest. It’s a shame!”

The President.—“But I tell you, you shall....”

Mrs. B.—“I will speak all the same. You make a grand mistake, if you think my mouth is to be closed in that fashion. I can tell you all, that we shall obtain nothing by persuasion. Here, as well as in the world we have left, it is by strong measures and threats that one obtains one’s ends.” (Order, order.)

The President.—“You have already despised my authority. If you use threats, I shall refuse you permission to speak further....”

Mrs. B.—“It is a swindle!” (Order, order.)

The President (rising).—“Retract the word swindle. Do you imagine yourself in Seven Dials?”

Mrs. B.—“I shall retract nothing. If in a week’s time, I am not placed on a throne resplendent with light, I shall make myself objectionable: I shall break the park railings, pull up the flowers, trample on the beds, and turn everything upside down.... I will keep you busy, I promise you. I have only just come.... I’ll get up a meeting of my own, by-and-bye....”

The President.—“I order the expulsion of the interrupter.” (After a great struggle, in which the lady, looking like a destroying angel, strikes out right and left, she is turned out, not without difficulty.)

The President.—“Now that order is restored, I call upon the Reverend Mr. Goodman to address the meeting.”

Rev. B. G.—“In place of the words, ‘Considering that the British nation is the most virtuous on earth,’ I propose that the following be substituted: ‘Considering that the British nation is none other than the lost ten tribes of the House of Israel, the holy nation chosen of the Lord.’ Ladies and gentlemen, I am thoroughly convinced that....”

A voice (interrupting).—“But, as the Lord reigns in these realms, would it not be much more simple to ask Him if we really are, as the reverend gentleman declares, His chosen people? It seems to me that, by adopting this course, a great deal of time and trouble might be saved.”

Several voices.—“Let the amendment be put to the meeting.”

The amendment is voted almost unanimously.

The President announces that thirty millions, four hundred and ninety-five thousand, nine hundred and sixty-four persons have expressed the desire to address the meeting for the purpose of enumerating the different virtues of the British people in general, and the meritorious deeds of each one in particular. But, seeing that the hour is advanced, and that, besides, the petition is agreed to, he proposes to declare the meeting at an end.

After a unanimous vote of thanks to the President for the courtesy with which he acceded to the wishes of the Committee, and the kindness with which he promised to attend to the petition, the meeting broke up at a quarter to twelve.

XXI.
John Bull and his Island: Postscript.

Pauperism has been, for some time, the question of the day in England, the burning question, as they say over here. John is making theories.

Theories! he was wont to exclaim, the British nation can afford to laugh at theories. This is the remark that a Conservative, possessed of more pretension than foresight, made one day before Thomas Carlyle.

“My dear sir,” replied the apostle of force in England, “the French nobility of a hundred years ago said they could afford to laugh at theories. Then came a man and wrote a book called the ‘Social Contract.’ The man was called Jean Jacques Rousseau, and his book was a theory, and nothing but a theory. The nobles could laugh at his theory; but their skins went to bind the second edition of his book.”

Yes, John, my friend, you are quite right to make theories: it is high time. But do not neglect to put them into practice: open your museums and picture galleries on Sundays, and shut a few public-houses;[10] do not rest content with sending missionaries to your poor, to tell them that they, like you, may one day dwell in the mansions of the blessed; make them taste a few of the sweets of this life, amuse them, help them to shake off the stupefying influence of drink; teach them little by little that you do not mean to support them in idleness and drunkenness, and that Unions and other houses of refuge for old age are not instituted to encourage them to be careless and thoughtless for the morrow. Try to make thinking men of them; at present they are but slaves. Unfortunately for you, all these people can read. Beware of the day on which they get sober. Take care of your skin: it is not impossible that there may be yet a good deal of binding to be done.

[10] See [Appendix (d)].

“At the four corners of Trafalgar Square, the London Place de la Concorde, four pedestals are to be seen. Three are surmounted by statues, the fourth is waiting.”[11]

[11] John Bull et son Ile, p. 85.

It is waiting still.

If England is short of heroes, let her install General Booth on the fourth pedestal; but for goodness and symmetry’s sake, let her set someone upon it.

The statue of Queen Anne, that stands in front of St. Paul’s Cathedral, in the heart of the City, has been wanting a nose for the past five or six years. For a shilling she might be provided with a beauty. Yet no; the fat aldermen of Beefsteakopolis, who dine at three or four guineas a head, and have lately spent twelve thousand pounds upon a ridiculous and hideous monument that stands at the entrance to the part of London that is under their jurisdiction, refuse a nose to the sovereign in whose reign lived the great Marlborough, hero of Blenheim and Malplaquet. Yet nobody can doubt that a nose would be very useful to the poor thing, neglected by John Bull, and stuck up there, in one of the most furiously draughty spots in London.

“One of the largest tea houses is not ashamed to publish the following advertisement in all the public thoroughfares and railway stations of England:—‘We sell at three shillings a pound the same tea as we supply to dukes, marquises, earls, barons, and the gentry of the country.’ The poor viscounts are left out in the cold: it is a regrettable oversight.”[12]

[12] John Bull et son Ile, p. 61.

The oversight has been repaired; I congratulate both the viscounts and the firm. Who says books serve no purpose? Why, princes and bishops have been added. If only Her Majesty would be kind enough to give Cooper Cooper’s tea a trial!

“The day the House of Lords reject any important measure passed by the Liberals, it will have dealt its own death-blow.”[13]

[13] Ib., p. 242.

The operation is being performed the House having just rejected Mr. Gladstone’s Franchise Bill. If it has not dealt its own death-blow, it has had a narrow squeak!

How ill-inspired the lords must be in seeking a quarrel with John Bull, who has no wish to do them any harm! If I were a peer of this realm, I fancy I could make myself the most amiable and submissive being in the world. I would again say to John: “Now, look here, my dear fellow, you know the House of Lords is convenient in one way, because it spares you the trouble of holding two elections. It will always be my endeavour to make myself agreeable. I have forty or fifty thousand a year, and if you think I am going to be angry at anything the Commons may do, why, you make a huge mistake. I know I am a fifth wheel to the State coach, but you are too gentlemanly to remind me of it, if I do not make you feel that a fifth wheel can sometimes play the part of a bâton dans les roues. I will imitate the good example set by the Queen: when you want the Liberals, you shall have them; when you want the Conservatives, you shall have them. You, on your part, must continue to hold me in respect, and call me the noble lord as hard as ever; I shall, as before, take precedence of intellect and wealth; I shall patronise literature and art, by scattering among my countrymen—for a consideration—the valuable libraries and art treasures left me by over-conservative forefathers, and protect the drama by keeping more actresses than ever. Surely, old friend, we ought to be able to rub along together.”

If the House of Lords should succumb, it will have the consolation of knowing that its ruin has been wrought by its most ardent friends, and not by its enemies. For that matter, a Government or Constitution generally does die at the hands of its friends à outrance.

I also said: “The two great political parties are of about equal strength.... The Irish party however, grows more national every day, and the Government may before long have to reckon seriously with it.”[14]

[14] John Bull et son Ile, p. 243.

The failure of the Egyptian campaign has greatly diminished the popularity of the Liberal party, and it is more than probable that, if it obtain the victory in the next election, its majority in Parliament will be reduced to about a score. The partisans of Irish autonomy number forty: it therefore seems pretty clear that Mr. Parnell, the head of the Irish Home Rule party, will ere long be Viceroy of England. Friend John will have to choose between two rather bitter pills: granting Ireland her independence, or conquering the Sister-Isle vi et armis. The prospect is not a brilliant one.

THE END

APPENDIX.

(A.)—At the Dublin Commission Court, before Mr. Justice Lawson, on Saturday, the 7th June, 1884, Brian Dennis Molloy, a wretched-looking man of 45, son of a magistrate for the Co. Mayo, and who, on the death of his father, will become entitled to £1,000 per annum, was indicted for bigamy. The prisoner has married five times, the last person with whom he went through the ceremony being his own first cousin, a lady of about 40, Miss Robertina Greene, who has an income in her own right of £400 per annum. There was only one formal charge against the prisoner. Several of his wives were in court, and towards them he assumed a most amusing expression, pretending affection for them by sighing audibly as he recognised them. He said, “My Lord, might I sit down? I feel very weak; I am not able to stand; I have been in prison for the last two months.” This permission was accorded. Mr. Stephen Curtis, barrister, appeared for the accused.—Mr. M’Caffrey, assistant clerk of the Crown, then read the indictment against the prisoner for having on the 16th August, 1871, at Brownlow-hill, Liverpool, married Elizabeth Mary Clancy while his lawful wife, Jane Molloy (née Murray), was still alive. The latter was in court—a grey-haired woman, who seemed to feel very much her position. The prisoner pleaded not guilty. Mr. Curtis said he would be able to shorten the case, for substantially their defence was that the prisoner was insane. He had always been a person of weak intellect, and had often been in a state of dangerous lunacy, having been four times in lunatic asylums, both in this country and on the Continent. The prisoner belonged to a most respectable family, amongst whom there had been instances of insanity.[15]—Dr. Banks was examined, and deposed that he had been physician to the Prisoner’s family for a number of years. He declined to answer with regard to other members of the family; but with regard to the accused he said that at one time he was labouring under symptoms of insanity, and had been placed in a private lunatic asylum. He also understood that he had been confined in two lunatic asylums in Bruges, and that he escaped from one recently.—Mr. Justice Lawson: What do you think of his mind now? Witness: I think he is an imbecile. He is of very weak mind.—Mr. Curtis: Do you think he is capable of discerning right from wrong?—Witness: Certainly not as regards his matrimonial alliances (laughter).—Serjeant O’Brian:—Oh, we believe the man to be insane; but I never heard of a more captivating character (laughter). No less than four ladies have succumbed to his winning influence. Here Miss Greene, who had been intently reading a newspaper during the proceedings, looked up and smiled, whilst another of the ladies, Miss Cassidy, laughed aloud.—Mr. Justice Lawson: There is no accounting for taste (laughter).—Serjeant O’Brian: You know, my Lord, when men are afflicted women are the ministering angels (laughter).—Mr. Justice Lawson directed the Jury to find that the Prisoner was insane.—The Prisoner was found guilty of the charge alleged, and on the verdict being entered the Jury found that the Prisoner was insane at the time he went through the ceremony of marriage. He was then ordered to be detained in an asylum during the pleasure of his Excellency the Lord Lieutenant.—When leaving the dock Molloy, who himself looked the picture of misery, smiled to each of the women.—An extraordinary passage at arms took place between two of Molloy’s “wives” during the interval when the Court was at luncheon. When the Prisoner was sent down to the cells Miss Robertina Greene, the last of the ladies who changed her name for Molloy, requested permission to speak to her “husband,” but the request was refused. Miss Clancy, another of the ladies, had been on a similar mission, and with like ill-success. She was standing outside the cell, close to Miss Greene, when the latter turned round and poured a torrent of abuse on her. She said that most of Miss Clancy’s clothes belonged to her (Miss Greene). Miss Clancy, a good-humoured looking girl, merely smiled at this statement, several of her friends joining in the laughter.

[15] No doubt a man who marries five times is mad; but for the comic facility with which marriage can be contracted in England, such scandalous scenes would never happen.

([Back to text])

(B.)—House of Commons (1884).
Assaults on Women.

Mr. Macfarlane asked the Secretary of State for the Home Department if his attention had been called to a case tried at the Thames Police-court, in which a man named Joseph Dennis was found guilty of assaulting Norah Driscoll by striking her in the right eye and knocking her down. While on the ground he lifted her head up by the hair and dashed it on the pavement, and kicked her on the left side. She became unconscious, and was discovered in that condition by a policeman. At Poplar Hospital it was found that two of her ribs were bent in. Mr. Saunders fined the prisoner ten shillings and ten shillings compensation; and, if he proposed to amend the law relating to brutal assaults.

Sir W. Harcourt.—I am not aware that there is any defect in the law. Judges and magistrates have the power to inflict severe sentences in cases of brutal assaults, but, of course, they are not compelled to do so unless circumstances require; and I have no power to overrule their discretion by saying that magistrates or judges should pass higher sentences than they think fit to do.

Mr. Macfarlane gave notice that when the Bill of the hon. member for Glasgow (Mr. Anderson) for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals got into Committee, he should move to include women in the schedule (laughter).

([Back to text])

(C.)—In case it should appear incredible that an Englishman should say grace before taking a glass of grog, I give the following anecdote, the veracity of which I vouch for.

A clerical friend of mine, Vicar of the Parish of ——, and late professor of mathematics at one of the great English military colleges, was one evening taking a glass of whisky and water with a Presbyterian minister. Before carrying his glass to his lips, the latter suggested to his companion that one of them should repeat grace.

“Not over whisky and water, my friend, it would be a farce,” answered the Vicar.

——“My congregation would be ashamed of me if I took a glass of whisky without first saying grace,” said the Presbyterian.

——“Now, just see how congregations differ,” said the other; “mine would be ashamed of me, if I said a prayer over a glass of toddy.”

Another anecdote, while I am on the subject of grace-saying. This one is an old English veteran.

An evangelistic parson and a Quaker were seated at table together in the dining-room of an hotel. The evangelist, seeing a chance of displaying his piety, said to the quaker: “Had we not better say grace?”

——“Friend,” replied the quaker, “if you like, we can be silent a few moments.”

Be silent a few moments! that is rather out of the line of the evangelist; he does not like to hide the light of his piety under a bushel.

([Back to text])

(D.)—Southwark Police Court.
(8th August, 1884.)

A respectable-looking working man applied to his Worship under the following circumstances. He said he had been working with a number of other men at a wharf in the neighbourhood of Tooley-street, and at the finish of their labour they were paid, and they were given two tickets for beer to be obtained at a public-house in the neighbourhood. He demanded his full wages, as he had no wish to go to a public-house; but the foreman refused to give him the money. He wanted to hear whether it was a legal transaction.—Mr. Bridge asked him if he was paid in a public house.—Applicant replied in the negative. They were paid in the office.—Mr. Bridge asked if the publican refused to give them money for their tickets.—Applicant replied that the clerk had told them the tickets were for beer. They were made out for a certain public-house.—Mr. Bridge advised them to go to the proprietor of the works and demand the money.—Applicant said they had done so, and the foreman had refused to pay it; he told them they should keep the tickets. He considered it a great hardship upon sober workmen that they should be compelled to accept beer tickets as their wages.—Mr. Bridge thought so too, and told him he might have summonses against the foreman and the publican, but he could not promise him success, as he had doubts as to the construction of the Act of Parliament.[16]

[16] In harvest time, it is still legal for farmers to make their labourers drink part of their wages.

([Back to text])

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AGENTS: HOVENDEN, OSBORNE, GARRETT & CO.,
G. TAYLOR, PARTON & SON.

STICKPHAST PASTE, as a cheaper and cleaner Adhesive, is said to be RAPIDLY DISPLACING GUM in the Government Offices.”—The Weekly Echo. With strong, useful brush. One Shilling. All Stationers.

Just Published, New Edition, revised and extended, price 2/-, handsomely bound.

JOHN BULL’S NEIGHBOUR
IN HER TRUE LIGHT.

Being an Answer to some recent French Criticisms. By A BRUTAL SAXON.

LONDON: WYMAN & SONS, 74-76, Gt. Queen Street, W.C., & all Booksellers.

THE “CYCLOSTYLE” COPYING APPARATUS,

Unrivalled for obtaining at the shortest notice a considerable number of duplicates of writing, plans, music, &c., in indelible black. No press, no washing off, no melting required. Those having hitherto used the ELECTRIC PEN, the TRYPOGRAPH, the HEKTOGRAPH, &c., are respectfully invited to see the process at the

General Copying Apparatus Depot, 16, Queen Victoria-st., Bank, London, E.C.

Specimens, Price Lists, and Copies of Testimonials, sent free on application.

Prices, complete, from One Guinea. Easily worked by a lady or an office boy.

NEVER BUY SHAM JEWELLERY.

We sell the real article just as cheap.—Vide Press Opinions.

THE GOLDSMITHS’ HALL-MARKED JEWELLERY COMPANY,
95, STRAND, and at BEAUFORT BUILDINGS, LONDON, W.C.

Warranted Real Gold, Hall-Marked.

WARRANTED REAL DIAMONDS.

No. 5.—Lady’s Solid Half-Hoop Ring, real gold, hall-marked, set with five real diamonds of lovely colour and great purity.

Price 21/-, registered, post free.

No. 6a.—Lady’s Buckle Ring, real gold, hall-marked, set with two real diamonds of singular purity and great lustre.

Price 17/6, registered, post free.

Warranted Real Gold, Hall-Marked.

WARRANTED REAL DIAMONDS.

Money returned if goods are not as represented. All kinds of expensive Jewellery kept in stock.

Cheques and P.O.O. to be made payable to the Manager, Mr. C. Locket, and, for security, crossed “and Co.” Illustrated Catalogues and Press Opinions post free.

With Wringer & Mangler Combined.

Will wash from three to ten times as many clothes in a given time as any other Machine in the Market.

Thirty Shirts, or a mixed quantity, twelve or fourteen pounds in weight, can be THOROUGHLY and EASILY Washed in three or four minutes in the THOROUGH WASHER by any Child ten years old.

Catalogues, &c., Free by Post.

The THOROUGH WASHING MACHINE COMPANY,
BURNLEY, LANCASHIRE.

PATENTED.

An Eminent Medical Practitioner Writes:—

“Southall’s Sanitary Towel is one of the most valuable inventions for woman’s comfort I have seen in the quarter of a century I have been in practice.”

Approved for accouchement and general use. A desideratum of the highest importance for health. Increased cleanliness. Less liability to chill. Diminution of risks of disease. No washing. Convenience in travelling. The Towels are sold at 1/- and 2/- per dozen, and can be obtained of Ladies’ Outfitters the world over, or sample packets of one dozen will be forwarded by Parcels Post for 1/3, or 2/3, and of six dozen, 6/6 and 12/6, from the Patentees:

SOUTHALL BROS., Bull Street, BIRMINGHAM.
Wholesale Agents: SHARP, PERRIN & Co., LONDON.

For protection against useless and injurious imitations, the label on each packet bears the signature of the Patentees.

PEPPER’S
QUININE and
IRON TONIC.

HEALTH. STRENGTH. ENERGY.

Great bodily strength.

Great nerve strength.

Great mental strength.

Great Digestive STRENGTH follows the use of PEPPER’S QUININE AND IRON TONIC.

Bottles, 32 doses. Sold by Chemists everywhere. Refuse Imitations. Insist on having Pepper’s.

PEPPER’S
TARAXACUM &
PODOPHYLLIN.

A Fluid Liver Medicine, made from
DANDELION AND MANDRAKE ROOTS.

Good for Liver Disorder & Indigestion.

The best Antibilious Remedy.

Without a particle of Mercury.

Safest & surest Stomach & Liver Medicine.

Clears the Head and cures the Headache.

Regulates the Bowels.

Bottles, 12 doses. Sold by most Chemists. Decline imitations; many Chemists professing their own to equal Pepper’s renowned Liver Preparation.

SULPHOLINE
LOTION.
THE CURE FOR SKIN DISEASES!
IN A FEW DAYS
Eruptions, Pimples, Blotches entirely
fade away.

BEAUTIFULLY FRAGRANT. PERFECTLY
HARMLESS. CURES OLD-STANDING
SKIN DISEASES. IT REMOVES EVERY
KIND OF ERUPTION, SPOT, OR BLEMISH,
AND RENDERS THE SKIN CLEAR,
SMOOTH, SUPPLE, AND HEALTHY.

Sulpholine Lotion is sold by Chemists.

Bottles, 2s. 9d.

LOCKYER’S SULPHUR
HAIR RESTORER.

The Best. The Safest. The Cheapest.

Restores the Colour to Grey Hair.

Instantly stops the Hair from fading.

Occasionally used, Greyness is impossible.

Where the Sulphur Restorer is applied scurf cannot exist, and a sense of cleanliness, coolness, &c., prevails, which cannot result from daily plastering the hair with grease. Sold everywhere, in large bottles, holding almost a pint, 1s. 6d. each. Be sure to have Lockyer’s.

“THE BLOOD PURIFIER.”

Old Dr. Jacob Townsend’s

SARSAPARILLA

Has been long used by the Medical Profession in all Skin and Blood Diseases. Pimples, Gout, Scurvy, Sores on the Neck and Legs, Dropsy, Impaired Health, and for cleansing the system of all impurities, which, when suffered to remain, surely destroy life.

G. C. Kernott M.D., London, says:—“I strongly recommend it in cutaneous diseases and all impurities of the blood.”

Read the following letter of a distinguished Churchman:—“The Hon. the Dean of Lismore requests Dean, Steel & Co. will send him two bottles of their Old Dr. Jacob Townsend’s Sarsaparilla. The Dean has no objection to their publishing that he has found their Sarsaparilla very useful in his family.”

Sold in Bottles, 2s. 6d., 4s. 6d., 7s. 6d., and 11s., by all Chemists, &c.

OLD DR. JACOB TOWNSEND’S SARSAPARILLA PILLS

Are highly recommended for Bilious Affections, Indigestion, Liver, and Stomach Complaints.

1s. 1½d., 2s. 9d., and 4s. 6d., of all Chemists.

Chief Depot:—DEAN, STEEL & Co., 131, FLEET STREET, LONDON.

TURNER’S TAMARIND
COUGH EMULSION.

“It is a Pleasant and Elegant
Preparation.”

Extracts from Letters.

“I know nothing equal to it for distressing Coughs.”

“I believe the best medicine for the Throat & Lungs.”

“The Tamarind has been quite a boon to me.”

“Invaluable to Speakers and Singers.”

Thirty Drops on Lump Sugar.

1s. 1½d. and
2s. 9d.
per bottle.

Saving 7½d.
in larger
size.

All Testimonials guaranteed Truthful. A 2/9 bottle per parcel post, carriage free.

AGENTS—Barclays, 95, Farringdon Street; Hooper, London Bridge; Sangers, 489, Oxford Street; Duncan, Flockhart & Co., Edinburgh; Apothecaries Co., Glasgow. All Wholesale Houses, and any Pharmacist or Chemist in the kingdom.

J. A. TURNER, Pharmacist, LIVERPOOL.

BEWARE
OF IMITATIONS!

BROWN’S PATENT
“DERMATHISTIC” CORSET

BONES, BUSKS AND SIDE STEELS PROTECTED BY LEATHER.

SOLD EVERYWHERE.
Avoid Worthless Imitations.

The QUEEN, November 17th, says: “‘There is nothing like leather,’ and the novel idea of covering with kid those parts which wear out first, seems a most practical idea. The Dermathistics are shapely, neatly sewn, and the leather adds but little to their weight.”

MYRA, December 1st, says: “An ingenious method for ensuring durability. The leather adds in no way to the bulk, while it gives a decided added support to the figure, besides preventing wear. They are very comfortable.”

YOUNG LADIES’ JOURNAL, May 1st, says: “The Dermathistic Corset is elegant in form, light in weight, and marvellously strong, and is particularly adapted to Ladies who ride, play at Lawn Tennis, or who are fond of Boating.”

The WAREHOUSEMAN AND DRAPER, March 1st, says: “The Dermathistic has been steadily growing in favour since its introduction; its merits are not, however, even yet so well known as they deserve to be, and in many cases Drapers, we think, might with advantage introduce it more freely, for the very durable appearance of this shapely and really serviceable Corset could not fail to prove an attraction to their customers.”

BLACK AND ALL COLOURS,
No. 1.	No. 2.	No. 3.	No. 4.
5/11.	7/11.	10/6.	15/6.

EVERY PAIR STAMPED.

For Measurement: Circumference of Abdomen and Hips.

BAILEY’S PATENT ABDOMINAL BELTS.—Highly commended by all the Medical Papers. Several hundred unsolicited testimonials have been received from Medical men and others. Undoubtedly the greatest improvement ever effected. The hips are free. “Cannot shift or ruck up.” Self-adjusting. Price 45s., 35s., 25s.—Address the Superintendent, the Ladies’ Department. New Catalogue free.

BAILEY’S ELASTIC STOCKINGS.—Accurately fitted, upon which the utility of these articles entirely depends. Strong, light, and porous. Cotton, 5s., 6s. 6d.; Silk, 7s. 6d., 10s. 6d., 14s. 6d., 17s. 6d. each. For measurement send the circumference at calf, ankle, and instep. New Catalogue free.

BAILEY’S TRUSSES.—Covered in Gum Elastic, indestructible, perfectly impervious, and very cheap, suitable for Infants or the bath. (The necessity of wearing a Truss, especially in a warm bath, is not generally understood.) Trusses with or without springs. Every known description manufactured on the premises. Trusses repaired and recovered. The most difficult cases are courted. New Catalogue free.

BAILEY’S IMPROVED CHEST-EXPANDING BRACES.—Invaluable for growing children. Price 12s. 6d. State age. New Catalogue free.

BAILEY’S AIR AND WATER BEDS.—On Sale or Hire. Crutches, Enema Apparatus, &c. New Catalogue free.

W. H. BAILEY & SON, 38, Oxford Street, London, W.

AT A GREAT SAVING TO THE PURCHASER!

Ladies, send letter or post card, and you will receive, POST FREE, Sample Patterns, with Prices, of all the LEADING NOVELTIES OF

The B. M. Co., by trading direct with the public, have effected a revolution in the Styles and Fabrics of Dress Materials. Carriage Paid to any part of the United Kingdom on all orders over £1. The Century Cashmeres, as exhibited at the Health Exhibition, are in ever-increasing demand. Be particular to address in full; please write at once, mention John Bull’s Womankind.

REGISTERED TRADE MARK.

For over Forty Years the Medical Profession have approved of this pure Solution as the best remedy for Acidity of the Stomach, Heartburn, Headache, Gout and Indigestion; and as the safest aperient for delicate Constitutions, Ladies, Children and Infants.

SOLD BY CHEMISTS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD.

CAUTION—See that “DINNEFORD & Co.” is on every Bottle and Label.

The Best, Quickest, & Most Agreeable Remedy for
RHEUMATISM, BRONCHITIS, SORE
THROAT, NEURALGIA, LUMBAGO, &c., IS

Smedley’s Chillie Paste.

IT GIVES INSTANT RELIEF AND DOES NOT BLISTER.

If applied when the first symptoms appear, one application will usually effect a complete cure and avert what might otherwise be a severe illness.

In 1s. 6d. and 2s. 9d. Bottles of all Chemists, or post free from the Sole Proprietors,
HIRST, BROOKE & HIRST, LEEDS.

SMITH’S COLCHESTER DIGESTIVE
OR
LIVE-LONG

CANDY.

No Household should be without this most valuable and Palatable Digestive Stimulant. A small piece taken after a meal is an effectual Preventative to Indigestion, or taken at bed-time, by its warmth-giving and Stomachic properties, Promotes Sleep. A small piece dissolved in the mouth when exposed to damp and cold Warms the Chest, and prevents those injuries which arise from Chills. It is invaluable to all Sportsmen.

The Marquis of Waterford writes (in 1884):—“I find your Candy most useful.”

At 1s. 1½d., 1s. 9d., and 4s. 6d. (post, 1s. 4d., 3s., and 5s.), of all Chemists.

Be careful to buy only that prepared by
J. C. SHENSTONE, Manufacturing Chemist, COLCHESTER.

SOLD BY THE PRINCIPAL DRUGGISTS.

JACKSON’S INCENSE SPILLS.	A sparkling means of incensing a domicile, and of exorcisingevil smells.
	An Enchanter’s little wand, that on being fired becomes to thereceptive as a Medium which quickens the fancy, be its moodgrave or gay, kindly leading the captive to that ladder, the topof which reaches through the clouds to the borders of Fairyland.
	IN BOXES AT 6d., OR BY POST SEVENPENCE.
JACKSON’S CHINESE DIAMOND CEMENT.	Surpasses in neatness, in strength, in cheapness, and retainsits virtues in all climates. It has stood the test of time, andin all quarters of the Globe.
	In Bottles at 6d. and 1s., by post 1/2.
JACKSON’S RUSMA.	For the removal of Hair from the Arms,Neck, or Face, as well as Sunburn or Tanfrom the Skin.
	The activity of this depilatory is notable. It works withoutnoise. It leaves a whole skin and a clean complexion.
	In Bottles at 1s., by post for 1/2.

FROM THE LABORATORY OF
THOMAS JACKSON, Strangeways, MANCHESTER.

Window Blinds! Window Blinds!

Use the Patent Metallic Enamelled

Venetian Window Blind.

ALWAYS CLEAN. PREVENTS INFECTION. CHEERFUL.

MORE DURABLE THAN ANY OTHER.

By Washing can be made to look Equal to New after Years of Wear.

Send for Testimonials, Prices, and Estimates to
Hodkinson & Clarke, Limited,
WHO ARE MANUFACTURERS OF
The Latest Improved and Most Artistic Window Blinds.
Venetians, Rollers, Cane, and Stained and Painted Glass Blinds.

Canada Works,
Small Heath,
BIRMINGHAM.

2, Chiswell St.,
Finsbury,
LONDON.

Minster Buildings,
12, Church St.,
LIVERPOOL.

“WHEN GEORGE THE FOURTH WAS KING,”

Gold
Medal,
Adelaide,
1881.

Needham’s
Polishing

Paste.

Order of Merit,
Melbourne, 1880.
Diploma of Merit,
Vienna, 1873.

Was first
introduced to
the Public.

It is the Oldest
and Best Preparation in the Market for Cleaning and Polishing

BRASS, COPPER, TIN, BRITANNIA METAL, ETC.

Pickering’s Furniture Polish, Plate Powder, Knife
Powder, Brunswick Black, Razor Paste.

SOLD BY CHEMISTS, GROCERS, IRONMONGERS.

Joseph Pickering & Sons, SHEFFIELD.

“JOHN BULL’S WOMANKIND”
who buy Cod Liver Oil should always have Peter Möller’s.

Peter Möller is the Inventor of the Process used, and Manufacturer of Cod Liver Oil only. His attention is given solely to the preparation of this invaluable medicinal food in its highest state of perfection, and the measure of his success is shewn by the award of NINETEEN FIRST PRIZES at FIFTEEN EXHIBITIONS. PETER MÖLLER was THE ONLY MANUFACTURER to whom TWO GOLD MEDALS were awarded at the International Fisheries Exhibition for Cod Liver Oil.

It is sold in Capsuled Bottles only by Chemists, Grocers, &c.

Newest
Invention!
Greatest
Novelty!

THE Y & N PATENT
DIAGONAL SEAM CORSET.

Patented in England and on the Continent. Will not split in the Seams nor tear in the Fabric. Exquisite Model. Perfect Comfort. Guaranteed Wear.

MADAME MARIE ROZE writes:—“I have very much pleasure in stating that the two pairs of Corsets you have made for me are a great success. They fit perfectly, and are far superior in every way to all the English and French Corsets I have tried.”—Yours truly, MARIE ROZE MAPLESON.

LE FOLLET says:—“A novel invention in Corsets admirably calculated to prevent the very disagreeable occurrence of split seams. The cut is very good and becoming, and may be adapted to any figure with advantage.”

THE QUEEN says:—“These Corsets are a new departure. The material is cut on the cross, and the component parts being also arranged diagonally, the seams have no strain. They are admirably modelled, exquisitely neat and strong, and the workmanship all that could be desired.”

Beware of worthless imitations.

Every genuine Y & N Corset is stamped “Y & N Patent Diagonal Seam Corset, No. 116” in oval.

Gold Medal, New Zealand Exhibition, 1882; GOLD MEDAL, HIGHEST AWARD FOR CORSETS, LONDON INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION, 1884.

Sold by all Drapers and Ladies’ Outfitters.

Corner’s
Patent
Cinturon de Cuero
CORSET.

LADIES who appreciate a GOOD FITTING CORSET, that will bear any strain without stretching in the waist, or becoming unshapely through wear, will find that the “CINTURON DE CUERO,” or Leather Waist Corset, has been admirably designed to meet both these requirements.

The Leather is used in such a way that it forms a Band or Belt, and, while rendering the waist perfectly unstretchable, imparts a charming sense of comfort to the wearer; the original size and shape of the Corset being thus always retained, gives an elegant appearance to the figure, and considerably increases the durability.

BLACK AND ALL COLOURS,
5s. 6d. to 15s. 6d.

From Drapers and Ladies’ Outfitters throughout the Kingdom, through the principal Wholesale Houses.

SWEARS & WELLS’
CELEBRATED OUTFITS FOR SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES.

MESSRS. S. & W. (Prize Medallists Paris Exhibitions, 1867 and 1878) respectfully draw the attention of Parents and Guardians to the unrivalled facilities their Establishment affords for fitting out Young Gentlemen for Private and Public Schools and Colleges, as the Stock on view comprehends every requisite first-class article of attire and utility, and the well-known reputation of the Firm as Juvenile Outfitters is a guarantee that the goods, specially selected and enumerated in the following list, possess all the necessary qualifications for their various purposes:

Socks
Knickerbocker Hose
Underclothing
Bathing Drawers
Sponges and Bags
Shirts
Collars, Cuffs
Collar Boxes
Gloves
Boots and Shoes
Travelling Rugs
Portmanteaus
Ties, Scarfs
Neckerchiefs
Scarf Pins
Studs, Links
Braces, Belts
Hand Bags
Towels, Sheets
Pillow Cases
Leggings
Pocket Handkerchiefs
Umbrellas
Knives
Suits for Best Wear
Suits for School Wear
Suits for Cricketing
Suits for Boating
Suits for Football
Suits for Riding
Pea Jackets
Overcoats
Dressing Gowns
Hats, Caps
Hat Cases

S. & W.’s Students’ Celebrated Solid Leather Dressing Cases, with Warranted Fittings,
27s. 6d. and 34s. each.

Inventory of Clothes required for the various Public Schools, Fashion Sheets, Patterns of Materials, and Measurement Forms forwarded Post Free.

NEW DEPARTMENT FOR BOOTS AND SHOES.
(Boots and Shoes for Infants, Children, Ladies and Gentlemen.)

MESSRS. SWEARS & WELLS, in compliance with the continuous request of many of their Patrons, have the gratification of announcing to their Customers the opening of a SHOW ROOM for the Sale of Boots and Shoes. This arrangement completes their series of Departments, and thereby enables them to supply entire Outfits for Schools and Colleges, also for their numerous connections in India, the Colonies, the United States, and Foreign Countries.

DEPARTMENTS:

Hosiery (Children’s, Ladies’, and Gentlemen’s), Glove (Children’s, Ladies’, and Gentlemen’s), Shirts and Collars (Children’s and Gentlemen’s), Tie and Scarf, Parasol, and Umbrella; Juvenile Tailoring, Hat & Cap; Girls’ Costume; Infants’ and Ladies’ Underlinen; Children’s, Ladies’, and Gentlemen’s Boots and Shoes.

192, REGENT STREET, W.

MORSONS’
PREPARATIONS OF

Highly recommended by the Medical Profession

As Wine in Bottles at 3s., 5s. & 9s.; Lozenges, 2s. 6d. and 4s. 6d.; Globules, 2s., 3s. 6d., and 6s. 6d.; and Powder as “Medicinal Pepsine,” at 2s. 6d. and 4s., and “Porci,” a more concentrated preparation than the Medicinal, at 4s. 6d. each. Sold by all Chemists.

THE popularity Pepsine has acquired as almost a specific for Chronic Dyspepsia, Indigestion, &c., is due to the fact that it is the nearest possible production of the active principle of the gastric juice of the stomach. Unfortunately, like all other inventions of a like nature, Pepsine has been not slightly discredited by the spurious Manufactures that have been issued from time to time; it is therefore necessary as a guarantee of its efficacy to see that each bottle bears the Makers’ name.

THE MOST EFFICACIOUS TONIC.

TASTELESS, AND
NEITHER STAINS NOR
INJURES THE TEETH.

———

DOES NOT
CONSTIPATE or DISTURB
THE DIGESTION.

London Medical Record, March 15, 1877, says:—“‘Bravais’ Iron’ is tasteless, free from styptic character, and appears in the most simple state of combination, that is to say, merely united with oxygen and water, without the presence of acids. It is a most energetic preparation. It is the beau ideal of a ferruginous tonic. We regard it as a therapeutic of great value.”

Invaluable in all cases of general weakness or debility, and is taken with the greatest facility on a small piece of sugar or bread, or in a glass of wine before meals.

Sold by all the PRINCIPAL CHEMISTS and DRUGGISTS, in Bottles in portable Card Cases, with Drop Measure complete, 3s. and 4/6 each.

Pamphlets, with full Particulars and Testimonials, Post Free on application to the
Agency and Wholesale Depot, 8, IDOL LANE. LONDON, E.C.

“Is as nearly tasteless as Cod Liver Oil can be.”—Lancet.

“Has almost the delicacy of salad oil.”—British Medical Journal.

“No nauseous eructations follow after it is swallowed.”—Medical Press.

It can be borne and digested by the most delicate; is the only oil which does not “repeat,” and for these reasons the most efficacious kind in use.

In Capsuled Bottles only, at 1/4, 2/6, 4/9, and 9/. SOLD EVERYWHERE.

ALLEN & HANBURYS, Plough Court, Lombard Street, LONDON.

The “Nonpareil” is the richest, softest, and most becoming Fabric ever produced, and is pre-eminently suited for Ladies’ indoor and outdoor Costumes, Boys’ Suits and Children’s Dress. Of all Drapers everywhere. Every yard is stamped on the back

The finer qualities are equal in appearance and wear better than the very best Lyons Silk Velvet, and cost only a quarter of the price.

Can be purchased of all leading retailers at from
2s. to 6s. per yard.

Wholesale Agents: J. H. Fuller, 92, Watling Street, London.
John R. Taylor, 51, Miller Street, Glasgow.

By Special Royal

Appointment.

Spearman’s Devon Serges

Thousands of Customers testify that no other article woven equals this in general utility.

According to the Queen “It has no rival.”

On Sale all the Year round. Pure Wool only. New Colours, Checks & Mixtures.

For Ladies’ wear, beautiful qualities, 1/6 to 4/6 the yard. For Children’s wear, capitally strong, 1/3 to 2/ the yard. For Gentlemen’s wear, double width, 2/6 to 10/6 the yard.

The Navy Blues and the Blacks are fast dyes. On receipt of instructions samples will be sent post free.

N.B.—Any length cut, and Carriage Paid to principal Railway Stations.

SPEARMAN & SPEARMAN, PLYMOUTH.

ONLY ADDRESS. NO AGENTS.

14, Holborn Viaduct and 5, Lisle Street, Leicester Square, LONDON.

All the great Road Races for either Bicycles or Tricycles have been won on Machines of our make.

One Stamp for Catalogues, List of Patrons and Testimonials.

BAYLISS, JONES & BAYLISS.

SAMPLES AND LOW PRICES
ON APPLICATION.

Catalogues of Solid & Tubular Bar Fencing, Iron Hurdles, Gates, Wire Fencing, Rick Stands, Chain Harrows, Dog Kennel Railing, Galvanized Wire Netting, &c., &c., free on application.

BAYLISS, JONES & BAYLISS,
VICTORIA WORKS, WOLVERHAMPTON,
And 3, CROOKED LANE, KING WILLIAM STREET, London, E.C.

Please mention John Bull’s Womankind.

Wm. POLSON’S
CORN FLOUR.

The Original and First Manufactured in Great Britain.

UNRIVALLED FOOD OF HEALTH FOR CHILDREN AND INVALIDS.

The Best Known Material for
PUDDINGS, CUSTARDS, CAKES, BLANC MANGE.

Ask for MOIR’S

TABLE JELLIES.
SOUPS IN GLASSES.
CURRY POWDER.
POTTED MEATS, &c.

Purveyors to H.R.H. The Prince of Wales.

TOUGHENED GLASS

CELEBRATED FOR ITS EXTRAORDINARY STRENGTH.

Proprietors:—
THE TOUGHENED GLASS COMPANY, Limited, 75, LEADENHALL STREET, E.C.

TO THE DAUGHTERS OF JOHN BULL!

Save Time, Labour, Temper, and Money by Using
BRUCE’S OIL COOKING STOVES

The Cheapest and quickest method of Cooking known. Absolutely Safe. No Smoke, Smell, Dirt, or Danger. Portable. No Flues or Fixing. The “Household Friend,” the latest invention, and most successful Oil Stove ever offered to the Public. It cooks a joint 10 lbs., dinner for 6, with 3 courses in 3 hours, cost 2½d. Complete, with ½-gall. Kettle, Saucepan, Steamer, Fry-pan, Meat Tray and Grid, Funnel and pair Scissors, fitted with 4 large moveable Burners, Indicators, and the new Plate Warmer to heat 1 doz. Plates, securely packed in strong Box, 35s. The well-known BAZAAR says: “We have no hesitation in recommending it; trustworthy, well finished, a marvel of cheapness, and The Best Oil Stove of its kind in the Market. The Maker, with great fairness, offers to change it or return the money if not approved of.” Send for Descriptive Illustrated Price Lists of all kinds of Petroleum, Cooking and Heating Stoves, and Lamps specially suited for residents in the Country and Abroad, where the difficulty of obtaining a trustworthy article is so much felt, post free, to any part of the World. Buy direct of the Maker, and save 30 per cent.

J. B. BRUCE, Wholesale, Retail, and Export,
90, BLACKMAN STREET & 74, LANT STREET, LONDON, S.E.

Annual Sale over Half-a-Million.

SOLD BY
ALL
GROCERS.

McCall’s
Paysandu
Ox Tongues.

In various sizes, 1½ to 3½ lbs. in Tins.

Delicious for Breakfasts, Luncheons & Suppers.

Liebig COMPANY’S
EXTRACT OF MEAT.

The ONLY BRAND WARRANTED GENUINE by BARON LIEBIG.

CAUTION!

Numerous inferior and low-priced substitutes being in the market with misleading titles, labels, and portraits of the late Baron Liebig, purchasers must insist upon having the

Liebig COMPANY’S
Extract of Meat.

THE FINEST
MEAT-FLAVOURING
INGREDIENT.

Invaluable & efficient
Tonic for Invalids.

N.B.—Genuine ONLY with facsimile of Baron Liebig’s Signature, in Blue Ink across Label.

Cooper, Cooper & Co.
SELL THE FINEST
TEA
THE WORLD PRODUCES AT

Per 3s. Pound.

And Magnificent TEAS at 2/6 and 2/- a Pound, as supplied to Princes, Dukes, Marquises, Earls, Viscounts, Barons, Bishops, and the County Families of the United Kingdom.

Samples and Book about TEA post free on application to
Cooper, Cooper & Co.,
CHIEF OFFICE—
50, KING WILLIAM STREET, LONDON BRIDGE.

BRANCH ESTABLISHMENTS—
63, BISHOPSGATE STREET WITHIN, E.C.
268, REGENT CIRCUS, W.
35, STRAND (near Charing Cross), W.C.
7, WESTBOURNE GROVE, W.
334, HIGH HOLBORN, W.C.
LONDON.

HEAL & SON.

BEDSTEADS.

3ft. IRON FRENCH from 10s. 6d.

3ft. BRASS FRENCH from 48s.

200 FIXED FOR INSPECTION.

BEDDING.

MATTRESSES, 3ft., from 11s.

A NEW SPRING MATTRESS, warranted good and serviceable, at a very Moderate Price.
3ft., 28s.; 3ft. 6in., 32s.; 4ft., 36s.; 4ft. 6in., 40s.

THIS WITH A TOP MATTRESS—
3ft., 20s.; 3ft. 6in., 23s.; 4ft., 26s.; 4ft. 6in., 29s.

Makes a most comfortable Bed and cannot be surpassed at the price.

HEAL’S PATENT SOMNIER ELASTIQUE PORTATIF of which 30,000 have been sold, is the best Spring Mattress yet invented, 3ft., 40s.; 5ft., 63s.

GOOSE DOWN QUILT, 1 by 1¼ yds., 10s.

BLANKETS, 2 by 2½ yds., 9s. 6d. per pair.

BEDDING CLEANED & REMADE.

BEDROOM FURNITURE.

PLAIN SUITES from £3.

DECORATED SUITES from £8 10s.

ASH and WALNUT SUITES from £12 12s.

300 SUITES ON VIEW.

SCREENS, suitable for Bedrooms, 21s.

EASY CHAIRS from 35s.

COUCHES from 75s.

DINING TABLES from 70s.

DINING-ROOM CHAIRS in Leather from 24s.

BOOKCASES from 38s. & BOOKSHELVES from 7/6.

WRITING TABLES from 25s.

OCCASIONAL TABLES from 10s. 6d.

CHAIRS & SOFAS RESTUFFED & RECOVERED.

English and Foreign Carpets. A Bordered Seamless Carpet from 26s.

Illustrated Catalogue of Bedsteads and Bedroom Furniture with Price List of Bedding, free by post.

HEAL & SON, 195 to 198, TOTTENHAM COURT ROAD

New Patterns, Post Free, with other Fashionable Fabrics in all the Newest Tints.

Under the Direct Patronage of the Courts of Great Britain, Germany, Russia, France, Austria & Italy.

EGERTON BURNETT’S
ROYAL SERGES

Include the Best Makes of this Indispensable Material, and can be relied on to stand Wind and Weather on Land and Sea, in Summer or Winter, for LADIES’, GENTLEMEN’S, or CHILDREN’S WEAR.

They can be had in any Colour or Quality, from the finest and lightest, suitable for Tropical Climates, to the warm heavy makes capable of Resisting an Intense Degree of Cold.

Prices for Ladies, 1/2½ to 4/6 per yard.

Extra Strong for Gentlemen and Boys’ Wear.

(54 in.) from 2/11 per yard.

The QUEEN says:—“It is pre-eminently useful, and recommends it to practical minds and purses of all lengths.”

Carriage Paid on Orders over 20s. to any Railway Station in ENGLAND, IRELAND, or SCOTLAND.

EGERTON BURNETT, No. 12, Wellington, SOMERSET.

Dr. J. COLLIS BROWNE’S

Is the Best Remedy known for Coughs, Consumption, Bronchitis, Asthma.

Effectually checks and arrests those too often fatal Disease known as Diptheria, Fever, Croup, Ague.

Acts like a charm in Diarrhœa, and is the only specific in Cholera and Dysentery.

Effectually cuts short all attacks of Epilepsy, Hysteria, Palpitation and Spasms.

Is the only palliative in Neuralgia, Rheumatism, Gout, Cancers, Toothache, Meningitis, &c.

The Right Hon. the EARL RUSSELL has graciously favoured J. T. DAVENPORT with the following:—“Earl Russell communicated to the College of Physicians that he received a despatch from Her Majesty’s Consul at Manilla, to the effect that Cholera had been raging fearfully, and that the ONLY remedy of any service was CHLORODYNE.”—See Lancet, December 1st, 1864.

CAUTION.—The extraordinary medical reports on the efficacy of Chlorodyne, render it of vital importance that the public should obtain the genuine, which bears the words “Dr. J. Collis Browne’s Chlorodyne.”

Sole Manufacturer—J. T. DAVENPORT, 33, Great Russell Street, London, W.C.

AT HOME OR ABROAD,
I ALWAYS HAVE WITH ME
Lamplough’s Pyretic Saline,
Which forms a most Invigorating, Vitalising, and Refreshing Draught.

Drs. PROUT, MORGAN, TURLEY, GIBBON, SPARKS, DOWSING, STEVENS, and many other Medical Men, have given unqualified Testimony to the importance of the discovery and the immense value of
THIS GREAT REMEDY
As possessing elements most essential to the restoration and maintenance of health, with perfect vigour of Body and Mind.

It gives instant relief in Headache, Sea or Bilious Sickness, Constipation, Indigestion, Lassitude, Heartburn, and Feverish Colds; and prevents and quickly relieves or cures the worst form of Typhus, Scarlet, and other Fevers, Smallpox, Measles, and Eruptive or Skin Complaints, and various other altered conditions of the Blood. It is the cure for Cholera. “It

‘SAVED MY LIFE,’

For the Fever had obtained a strong hold on me. In a few days I was quite well.”—Extract from Letter of C. Fitzgerald, Esq., formerly Correspondent of the Manchester Guardian in Albania.

CAUTION.—Dr. Wilson writes:—“We all know how much rubbish is put into the market in imitation of it.”

In Patent Glass-stoppered Bottles, 2s. 6d., 4s. 6d., 11s., and 21s. each.

To be obtained of any Chemist or Patent Medicine Dealer, and of
H. LAMPLOUGH, 113, HOLBORN, LONDON, E.C.

By
Special Appointments
to H. M. the Queen,

and H. I. and R. H.
the Crown Princess
of Germany.

CAMBRIC POCKET HANDKERCHIEFS

ALL PURE FLAX. SAMPLES AND PRICE LISTS POST FREE.

Children’s, hemmed for use,	1/8 per dozen.
Ladies’	2/11 per dozen.
Gents’	3/11 per dozen.
Hemstitched.
Ladies’	5/6 per dozen.
Gents’	7/3 per dozen.

“The Cambrics of Robinson & Cleaver have a world-wide fame.”—Queen.

IRISH LINENS.

Real Irish Linen Sheeting, fully bleached, 2 yards wide, 1/11 per yard; 2½ yards wide, 2/4½d. per yard (the most durable article made, and far superior to any foreign manufactured goods).

Roller Towelling, 18 in. wide, 3½d. per yd.

Surplice Linen, 8½d. per yard.

Linen Dusters, 3/3; Glass Cloths, 4/6 doz.

Fine Linens and Linen Diaper, 10d. yard.

Samples post free.

IRISH DAMASK TABLE LINEN.

Fish Napkins	2/11 per dozen.
Dinner Napkins	5/6 per dozen.
Table Cloths, 2 yards square,	2/11½d. each.
Table Cloths, 2½ yds. by 3 yds.,	6/11 each.
Kitchen Table Cloths	11½d. each.
Strong Huckaback Towels,	4/6 per dozen.

Monograms, Crests, Coats of Arms, Initials, &c., woven & embroidered. Samples post free.

Robinson & Cleaver, Belfast.

HIGHEST AWARDS WHEREVER EXHIBITED.

“British.”

“Apollo.”

“’Xtraordinary.”

SINGER & CO., COVENTRY.
LONDON: 17, HOLBORN VIADUCT.

“Traveller.”

FROM
70s.
UPWARDS.

“Carrier.”

LARGE ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE FREE ON APPLICATION.

Who are the Really Great and

Successful Men in this World?

HUXLEY wisely says:—“Those who take honours in nature’s university, who learn the laws which govern men and things and obey them, are the really great and successful men in this world.... Those who won’t learn at all are plucked; and then you can’t come up again. Nature’s pluck means extermination.” The simple meaning is, when ailing, pay no attention to the regulation of your diet, exercise, or occupation; attempt no conformity to the laws of life, or when you have drawn an over-draft on the bank of life, &c., avoid the use of ENO’S FRUIT SALT and you will be surprised to learn of the body what

A Frail and Fickle Tenement it is, which, like the Brittle Glass that Measures Time, is often Broke, ere half its Sands are Run.

THE FESTIVE SEASON.—Experience shows that porter, mild ales, port wine, dark sherries, sweet champagne, liqueurs, and brandies, are all very apt to disagree, while light white wines and gin or whisky, largely diluted with soda-water, will be found the least objectionable.

ENO’S FRUIT SALT is particularly adapted for any constitutional weakness of the liver. It possesses the power of reparation when digestion has been disturbed or lost, and places the invalid in the right track to health. A world of woe is avoided by those who keep and use Eno’s Fruit Salt; therefore no family should ever be without it.

USE ENO’S FRUIT SALT.—Or as a health-giving, refreshing, cooling, invigorating beverage, or as a gentle laxative and tonic in the various forms of indigestion, USE ENO’S FRUIT SALT.

ALSO GOUTY OR RHEUMATIC POISONS from the blood, the neglect of which often results in apoplexy, heart disease, and sudden death.

USE ENO’S FRUIT SALT, prepared from sound, ripe fruit. What every travelling trunk and household in the world ought to contain—a bottle of ENO’S FRUIT SALT. Without such a simple precaution, the jeopardy of life is immensely increased.

“All our customers for Eno’s Fruit Salt would not be without it upon any consideration, they have received so much benefit from it.”—Wood Brothers, Chemists, Jersey.

FROM ENGLAND TO SYDNEY, on board the Samuel Plimsoll.—“Dear Sir,—I have just received a letter from my daughter, who sailed for Sydney last April as assistant matron of the Samuel Plimsoll, in which she says: ‘I am sorry indeed, dad, to hear how the winter has tried you. Make up your mind and come out here. You will never regret it, and don’t forget to bring some ENO’S FRUIT SALT. It was the only cure on board for sea-sickness. I gave it nearly all away to those who were ill, which seemed to revive them, and they soon began to rally under its soothing influence.’—I am, dear Sir, yours faithfully, Truth. 6, Asylum-road, Old Kent-road, S.E., Sept. 14, 1883—Mr. J. C. Eno.”

DIRECTIONS IN SIXTEEN LANGUAGES HOW TO PREVENT DISEASE.

SUCCESS IN LIFE.—“A new invention is brought before the public and commands success. A score of abominable imitations are immediately introduced by the unscrupulous, who, in copying the original closely enough to deceive the public, and yet not so exactly as to infringe upon legal rights, exercise an ingenuity that, employed in an original channel, could not fail to secure reputation and profit.”—Adams.

CAUTION.—Legal rights are protected in every civilised country. Examine each bottle, and see the capsule is marked ENO’S FRUIT SALT. Without it you have been imposed upon by worthless imitations. Sold by all Chemists.

PREPARED ONLY AT ENO’S FRUIT SALT WORKS, HATCHAM, LONDON, S.E.,
By J. C. ENO’S PATENT

Transcription

Quads
For
Authors, Editors
& Devils
edited by
AND: W. Tuer.
1884
London:
Field & Tuer;
Simpkin: Hamilton.

[Return to text]

Transcriber’s Note

Minor punctuation errors have been repaired.

Hyphenation has been made consistent.

The following amendments have been made:

Page [70], [footnote]—c amended to b—See Appendix (b).

Page [124]—disageeable amended to disagreeable—... the trouble of doing some rather disagreeable things, ...

Page [216]—Sukie amended to Susie—Susie.—“I play the Alleluiah trombone.”