CHAPTER XI.
IN THE ROLE OF DRAMATICK CRITTICK.—“HOSIERY HENRYETTUR, OR
A BOOM IN FANCY GOODS.”—THE HAPPY DENEWMENT.
I didn't write nothin in you last nite, Mr. Diry, cos me and Maria—that's my gal—was takin in the furst nite at the theatur.
Jest wen I was lee vin the offis the edittur called me aside and arst me if I thot I was capabel to report the furst performance of “Hosiery Henryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods,” cos the dramattick edit-tur had gone and got mashed on the latest perfesshunal buty from Cleveland, and warn't fit for duty.
I sez: “You becher sweet neck, I can.”
So he give me a cupple of “comps” and a led nickle for to buy candie and peenuts with. Wen I got home I drest up in my Sunday-skule cloes, and went round and wated wile my gal was puttin on her bandyline and rubbin her face with a red sawcer wot she sez she uses for newralgy.
You bet, this devil felt proud, promerinardin his gal down the ile to the front orchestrey chares, wots reserved for us rep-rysentatives of the metrypollyton press.
I got out my note-book and pencil, and me and Maria ete candie, talked sweet, and wated developments.
I'll pass over the prolog, and giv you the report jest as it was printed in this mornin's Buster:
“Last evenin, the curtin, in Niblo's theattur, rose to a large, appreshiativ, and bald-hedded audiense wot sit in the orkerstry cheers.
“The play wot come on the staige for the furst time in 'Merica was 'ntitled 'Hosiery Henryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods.' The plot was novel, romantik, and excrushiatingly interestin. The principal charackters is Henryettur, a assthetick young ladie, dorter of a Fillydelphy lawyer, and Augustus Angerlinus Fizzlesprung, a dude, wot wares a eye glass and carries a gold plaited kane, wot he chews sted of terfaackky, cos his nerves is week. Henryettur is orful sick 'bout Gussy, and wuld giv her lock of Horsecar Wild's hare, wot she carrys in her bussum, if Gussy would ony tumbel and marry her. But Gussy wouldn't tumbel if the hull of Broadway'd fall on him, cos he's mashed on a lot of dudines wot do the balleyin act in the academme. The furst act was very utter, in fact too utterly utter for utteranse. The scenery was grandly sublime, bein a combynashun of sunflours and Baltymore oysters, wot are sed to be very assthetick. The seccund scene is more commonplase, cos it reprysents a green room of a theat-tur with the artists sittin round a tabel, makin a supper off of Boston baked beens and shampain sawse. Gussy 'pares in the background and givs the gals $5 to danse a bally for his own speshell benerfit. Then they all cam to the front of the staige. We guess they b'long to the femail econymist persuashun, cos they all 'pared to be very eccornomical in goods wen they maid there skurts, or else they got there dresses wet, cos they've shrunk way up 'bove their nees, and way down b'low there necks. The clerk wot sold 'em there stockins must of warrented them to wash, cos there all colors, and there bout the only part of there does wots anyways long. The dan-cin' part of the performanse didn't 'pare to be much appreshyated by the older porshun of the audiense, cos they shaded their eyes with their opera glasses and blushed on the top of there heds, were there hare used to grow. The gals then go thru a lot of moshuns, dansin the racket, and Gussy sets 'em up.
“The furst scene of Act III. is in Henryettur's privat boodywar. She walks round, holdin a big sunflower in her hand, and calls it to witness that if her dare Gussy don't make up his mind purty soon to marry her, the tender thred wot holds her to this mundain spere will soon cum to a too utterly utter, suddint round turn. Then she whispers sumthin to herself, and jumps bout a foot, and xclaims, in a anty-assthetik voice: 'I will do it! By the misterious hare, hidden in the opake depths of 10-cent-a-plate ice-creme, I will do it!'
“The scene then changes to a rehursal in the theattur, with Gussy looking at the bailey. All on a suddint a gal comes dancin out on tip-toes and movin her hands round like she was playin' skippin'-the-rope. Her close is purty, ony they're a good deal more shrunken than wot the other gals had on, and her lower xtremer-ties look like she was smugglin' cotton from New Orleans. Gussy then gets mashed on her rite away, and she don't 'pare to mind it a bit, cos she sot rite down on his knee, and they begun a-talkin' awful soft. Purty soon she jumped 'bout six feet, wen Gussy shoved a pin inter her stockins. Then he reckernized her as Henryettur, and the bailey bring on the happey denewment act, by balleyin' round wile Gussy and Henryettur 'mbrace and kiss each other, and the property man lifts up his hands and sez:
“Henryettur, you had better Go put on your cloesietter, Cos you are too utter utter, Drest all in your hosieryetter; Gussy, you must let her, let her, And I'm sure you'll like her better Wen you've settur, settur, settur, And we've drunk to your dudetter.”