CHAPTER XXII.
ELECKSHUN DAY.—THE DUDES PEDDLIN DEMMERCRATICK TICKETS.—
THE METHYDISTS GO BACK ON THE G. O. P.—THE DEVIL AS A
PERLITICKEL WIRE-PULLER.
Mr. Diry, at this ritin, I guess you're safe in hangin out the hemale chickin, cos all the reports from this city are givin Mr. Gil-ley a 'normous vote, and you bet this devil is feelin proud, cos didnt he nommernate the Guvner? And bout tomprro nite the hull Statel kno that he lected him, too.
I was kep orful busy this mornin till all our repeeters had scored there votes. Them Republercan fellers is orful trickey, and I had to do sum tall flyin round wile I was watchin them, so as they wuldnt steel our repeeters, wot we'd imported a purpose from Jursey and Fillydeify, and mak em vote in a nother preecinct for there ticket. They call that kinder business equalizin, but, in this case, it didnt equalize wurth a cent, cos I told them all that they warnted to keep there eyes on them fellers wot clamed they was Republercans, cos they was Pinky-ton's detecktives in disguise tryin to hatch up a case of illegal votin agen them. That scared em off, so they each took there 2 dollars and skipped over to Jersey Citty.
Soon as I got 'em safely off, I seen the Rerpublicans was gettin ahed of us, so me and Jimmy went down to the offis, and borrered the scientific editturs 'lectric pen, and rote bout 10,000 notes, addressin them to all the dudes whose names is in the di-recktary. Then Jimmy went out and got a lot of other messenger boys to take em round.
In less than half a hour the stretes of New York and Brooklyn was crowded with dudes (reel live dudes, livelier than they was ever known before), peddlin Demmercratick tickets round, and visertin all the taylors, and barbers, and thretnin to withdraw there custom if they didn't vote the strate Demmercratick ticket, and elecshunaire for Mr. Gilley.
I guess I'll have to be round tomorro nite, cos there'll be sum fun, wen Lillyun cums out the stage dore cos every dude in New York has got a note wot red like this:
Sublime adored one—By the immortal sunflower you ware in
your hallered buttin-hole, and the admyrashun you bear your
asthetick frend, vote for Mr. Gilley for Guvner, cos the
delercate purple tint of his perfume absorbent, is quite
too, too, and his long and shaggy Bur-muder-oniyun cullered
locks are jest too delish-us, and placed in the guvermentel
cheer, will do much towards educatin the common hurd, to a
appresheashun of our assthetick tastes. Besides that, I
think the other Candydate, is too much of a 'orridley
'orrid, common cad. If you will do this much for me, I will
meet you at the stage dore, tomorrer nite.
Yours, utterly in luv,
Lillyun Russell, Dudine.
Then I sent out notes to all the Bank Presidents and clerks, and nost everyone I culd think of wot had the handlin of other peepels munney. They wus short and sweet, but sum how they brot out a orful lot of voters. The notes red like this:
If you kno wots good for you, you'll vote for Joe Gilley for Guvner. Remember. From one who knos you as well as you kno yourself.
All the Methydists got notes from the Conferense Committee, sayin that they'd discovered that the Republican candydate was a rank infydel, and advisin them all to vote for Mr. Gilley, cos he was goin to donate a big pile of munney to furrane mis-shuns.
Every member of the Society of Hen Pecked Husbands, wot is very strong in New York, was requested by a letter sined by the President to vote for Mr. Gilley, cos he had it from good authority that the other feller had greed to order the legislate to pass a bill legalizin the wearin of the pants by married wimmen.
Then I sent out a circular to every dout-ful German voter, tellin them that the Republican candydate, wen he was a boy, had licked a duch boy biggeran him, and called him a puddin'-hedded, pot-stummicked, pretzel-thievin' son of a beer drinkin' and sour krout etin' duchman, and the time had cum for the Gurmans of New York to rebuke at the polls such a flaygrant insult to the most useful and respeckterbel standby's of the Nashun, the German cityzens.
I never seen enything do better in my life. With the excepshun of the few votes wot the Republercans had fore I got my wurk in, mine captured the hull cities of New York and Brooklyn, and the beer and wisky wots ben sent to rural districks, will giv us the hull State by a big majority. Wen I get big, Mr. Diry, I guess I'll hire myself out for a perfesshunal pollytickal wire-puller.