III
Well, that night when I came home I cried myself to sleep with my head under the pillow so's Ma wouldn't hear what I called the censor, but slept good on account of the simple little war-supper of only lettuce and a cup of soup which Ma had ready for me, and in the morning was up with the lark as the poet says, only of course they was really sparrows, it being the city. Well, anyways, I felt good and husky and as early as eleven-thirty I was all fixed up in the new wash dress, which its a actual fact Musette had to sew it together four separate places that it come apart while putting it on me. The goods wasn't the quality I had thought, come to look at them closer, but anyways it was cheap and that was one good thing about it. Ma brought me in a shredded wheat-less biscuit and a cup of coffee, a sort of funny look on her face like she had taken her oath and would stick it out to the death. She didn't say anything, only set it down and I ate it, saying nothing either because it was what we had agreed we would get along on for breakfast. When I was through she give me a news item.
"The cook is leaving!" she says. "On account of the new rations."
"That's no loss!" I says gaily, because as a general thing Ma is only too glad when this happens.
"I ain't so sure!" says Ma. "I'm not as young as I was, and I cant do all the cooking!"
Well—believe you me—I sat up and took notice of that! Ma kicking at her favorite pastime. Something was wrong. But even then I didn't get what it was. So I just remarked we could eat our dinners at the Ritz that being good publicity anyways and always expected of me in full evening dress when I am dancing. So that much settled and there being no letter yet and me being sort of nervous about that meeting which was breaking ahead, I went and beguiled a hour at Jim's souvenir. I thought a whole lot of that pianola, he having given it to me just before he sailed, and as of course it was too heavy to wear over my aching heart which is generally supposed to be done with souvenirs of loved ones overseas, I put in a good deal of time sitting at it, and—believe you me—my touch is a whole lot better than Ma's which me being light on my feet by nature and business both, is not so surprising. Well, I got myself all worked up over Jim while playing "Somewhere A Voice Is Calling with Mandolin Arrangement" and a whole lot of expression and what with feeling a little low on account of the patriotic breakfast, I was just in the right frame of mind to throw myself heart and soul into the good work before me—do you get it? You do!
Well, I had no sooner left the shelter of our own flat, than that same hold-up game which I had noticed so particular the day before was started on me. The elevator-girls, which had taken the place of a standing yet sitting army of foreign princes which had used to clutter up our front hall and the only excuse they had for living was the nerve they give the landlord when he come to price the rents:—well, anyways, the girls which had taken their places since the draft blew in, was selling W.S.S. Of course I couldn't buy any for the same reasons as yesterday. So they sprung a working girls War Crippled Aid Fund and I contributed to that, because I believe in girls running elevators. Why wouldn't they, when thousands has run dumb-waiters so good for years? Well, anyways, I give them something and escaped to the street only to be lit on for stamps by the first small boy I met. And after only seven others had tried me, I got to the Palatial Hotel, and—believe you me—by that time worried pretty severely about how could a person sell twenty-five thousand dollars worth of the pesky things and not get slain by some impatient citizen who felt that I was the last camel and his back was broke, or whatever the poet says? Really, it was serious, and being the first of the Theatrical Ladies to arrive, the big ballroom with the table and seven empty chairs like a desert island in the middle of the floor, failed to cheer me any.
Well, there was a arm-chair at one end of the table and there being nobody around to either elect me or stop me, I grabbed off this chair and held to it with the grim expression of a suburbanite who knows her husband isn't coming but wont admit it, and a good thing I acted prompt as should be done in all war-measures, because pretty soon the other ladies commenced arriving. I guess they must of thought they could get a better part by coming early, they was so prompt, and by one o'clock they was actually all there except Pattie and her unknown friend, which was pretty good, the date having been twelve-thirty.
Well, we all shook hands and I arose from my seat but didn't move a inch away from it, having seen something of committee meetings where the wrong person had it. And then they all sat down and took in my dress and hat and I theirs, and we was very amiable and refined and I felt so glad I had picked such a good bunch and wished Pattie would hurry so's we could commence, when lo! as the poet says, my wish was granted, for in come Pattie and with her her friend and My Gawd, if it wasn't Ruby Roselle!
Well, far be it from me to say anything about any lady, only pro-Germans is pro-Germans by any other name, as Shakespeare says, provided you can find it out, and here she was, butting in on a gathering of would-be Dolly Madisons and Moll Pritchers and everything, and I wouldn't of invited her for the world if only Pattie had mentioned her name. But here she was, all dressed up like a plush horse and so friendly it got me worried right away. Any one which has seen Ruby in her red, white and blue tights will at once realize what I mean, though nothing but the tights was ever proved against her. What on earth she wanted with our committee was very suspicious because why would she ever of taken a expensive and difficult present like a baby alligator from a German which she once done, if not pro, her own self?
But time for starting something had sure come, if we was ever to get any lunch, so I got them all seated and commenced—a little weak in the knees which it was a good thing I was seated, but strong in the voice, so as to start the moral right—do you get me?
"Ladies of the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee," I began, being determined not to waste no time on formalities, which it has always seemed to me that on such occasions a lot of gas is used up in them which would have run the machine quite a ways if applied properly. We all knew we was the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee and I was the chairman, so why waste words making me it? "Ladies," I says, "I have a letter from President Wilson asking me to get to work, and so have formed a committee to sell twenty-five thousand dollars worth of War Savings Stamps on the first of the month. I sat right down and wrote him I would do it, and here we are. Of course this being the twenty-eighth of the month the notice is short. Probably he didn't expect us really to get to work until next month, but personally, myself, I think we should surprise him by getting the money by Saturday night, which Saturday night is the first. Now, you Committee Ladies is here to discuss how will we do it. I would be glad to hear ideas, suggestions and etc."
Well, nobody said anything for a few minutes only Ruby put a little powder on her nose and looked at it critical in her vanity case mirror, which well she might for Gawd knows she had powder enough on her already. Then Madame Broun, the Lady Baritone, cleared her throat.
"I would be glad to give a recital," she said, swelling up her neatly upholstered black satin bosom, "and turn over the money it brings in. I presume the Government would hire the theatre for me."
"Well," I says, "that is a real nice suggestion only not quite practical. You see it wouldn't be right to ask the Government to pay for the theater in case it was a wet Monday and only a few came in out of the rain. Any more ideas?"
The blond Dahlia sister spoke up then.
"Whatever you suggest goes with me, Marie," she says, which was terrible sweet of her, only it's a darn sight easier to give a proxy than a good suggestion, which I did not however mention, Blondie being a real fine Jewish American and a willing worker as I well knew.
"I thought of course it was a benefit we would give," put in Pattie in a voice which just plain dismissed every other possibility. "I have a new patter to 'Yankee Doodle' with a red, white and blue spot on me, at front center with the rest of the house dark. It ought to go big about the center of the programme."
After which modest little suggestion she sunk gracefully back into her seat and commenced shadow-tapping the tune with her feet under the committee table.
"Well, benefits is always possible," I said, "and of course we could have it with admission by W.S.S. only. But it's been done a lot and three days ain't so very much time in which to get it up in a way which would do your act justice," I says.
"Ah! cheries!" says Mlle. DuChamp. "Mes petites!" she says, whatever that was. "I have zee gran' idea—perfect! I will make zee speach on zee steps of zee Library of zee Public at Forty-Second Street and Feeth Avenoo. I will arise, I will stretch my han', I will call out 'Cityonnes! 'Urry up queek! Your countree call you—Formez vos battillions!' and while I make zee dramatic appeal zee ozzers can collect twenty-five t'ousand dollar from zee breathless crowd!"
She had got up on her box-toed shoes and was making the grandest gestures you ever see. Honest to Gawd I do believe that girl has herself kidded into believing that the Paris she was born in was France, not Ind. I kind of waved at her, and when she had flopped back into her place, completely overcome by her emotions, I suggested that maybe the Library wasn't as Public as it looked, being generally occupied of a fine afternoon by wounded soldiers making the same line of talk, and of course Mlle. DuChamps would be more chic and all that, but would she be let?
"Of course she wouldn't!" says Ruby, coming out of her vanity-case for a minute. "Of course not! My idea is that we all chip in say about seven thousand five hundred and let it go at that!"
Somehow this cheap-Jack way of getting out of doing any work by spending a little money, got my goat something fierce. Besides which it was Ruby's idea of patriotism and all against W.S.S. rules and everything, but for the minute I was so floored I couldn't speak. The dark Dahlia did it for me, though, and much more contained than I could of at the time.
"That's mighty generous, Miss Roselle," she says just as sweet, "only you see me and Blondie has each got our thousand dollars worth and one person can't get more," she says.
"Well, I'll take a thousand dollars worth then," said Ruby, and I could see very plain that the matter was finished in her mind, and what would you expect different after them patriotic tights of hers?
"I'll take a thousand also," put in Madame Broun. "To tell the right truth I haven't a one. What do you do with them—stick them on the backs of letters like Tuberculosis, or Merry Xmas?"
Well, we explained they was not a additional burden to the postman but more or less of a investment. And then the awful truth come out that Pattie hadn't none either and that Mlle. DuChamps had always thought they was to put on tobacco boxes and candy and everything you stored up in the house to eat, though Gawd only knows how she got that idea except of course it's the truth that most people is boobs, outside of their own line, more's the pity!
Well, anyways, we took in four thousand right then and there and so all that remained was twenty-one. Ruby undertook to sell another three among her personal friends, and the Dahlias said they thought they could raise as much more between theirselves. Then when Mlle. DuChamps and Madame Broun had concluded to take on three apiece there was eleven thousand dollars worth of friendless little stamps with nobody to love them but me. Well, with no better schemes than benefits and concerts and talks in sight, I see it was up to me to bite off the biggest slice of pie myself, so I said I'd take the remainder. Of course with my influence and name and all I would of had no trouble getting rid of them only by asking prominent men like Goldringer and Rosco and the Dancing Trust people beside a few more personal ones. And then when we had got this far I see some of the ladies commence looking at their wrist-watches for other reasons than to show they had them, and so hustled up the last of the business which was merely how would we print our forms for subscribers to fill out. Ruby suggested a gilt-edge card tinted violet with whatever lettering I chose, and while I didn't care for it I agreed, being hungry myself.
"I do think it is awful fine of you to take on that big amount," said Pattie. "But you always was generous, Marie, I will say that for you."
"Ladies!" I said. "No thanks where they dont belong. Because I am undertaking this sale for far other reasons than you suppose."
But since everybody by then plainly cared more for their lunch than my reasons we parted, agreeing to send the money to my place on Sunday morning.