UNCLE SAM’S PHRENOLOGICAL CHART
| 1 | Thirst | 23 | Aquasity | |
| 2 | Self-effacement | 24 | { | |
| 3 | Calculation | 25 | { Prairifulness | |
| 4 | Providence | 26 | Plainness | |
| 5 | Love of the Almighty ($) | 27 | Incredulity | |
| 6 | Justice | 28 | Animosity | |
| 7 | Somnolence | 29 | Nebraskability | |
| 8 | Love of Peaches | 30 | Love of Freedom | |
| 9 | Pride of Race | 31 | Modesty | |
| 10 | Nicotianity | 32 | Oregonality | |
| 11 | Love of Camp-meetings | 33 | Furbearance | |
| 12 | Fruitfulness | 34 | Argentility | |
| 13 | Coonfulness | 35 | Pique | |
| 14 | Colour | 36 | Breadth | |
| 15 | Levity | 37 | Presence of Mine | |
| 16 | Illicit Spirituality | 38 | Gamefulness | |
| 17 | Love of Travel | 39 | Conjugality | |
| 18 | Size | 40 | Cowboyishness | |
| 19 | Bashfulness | 41 | Sheepishness | |
| 20 | Scribosity | 42 | Reserve | |
| 21 | Armorousness | 43 | Reciprocity | |
| 22 | Horse Sense |
CHAPTER XXII
CANADA
“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.
Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America not ruled by the Irish.
In former days it was a popular Health Resort for frenzied financiers who wished to retire from private life.
It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from thirst.
Though next door neighbours and rivals in business and, what is still more trying, near relatives, Canada and the United States are the best of friends.
For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket-fence or a policeman, much less a patrol or a fortification, on the border line between the two countries.
Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, “severed home ties”; she is perfectly happy under the parental roof, earns her own living, has a latch key and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able to understand “why girls leave home.”
Though differing in many respects, the United States and Canada have so much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that, in any musical comedy of Nations, the two might easily pass for a “sister turn.”
The inhabitants of Canada are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXIII
GREAT BRITAIN
The Planet Jupiter
(from a photograph)
If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of Europe, you will find a small pink island no bigger than the state of Idaho.
But a Country must not be judged by its size.
The Planet Jupiter is twelve times as large as this Giddy Globe of ours, and has eight private moons of its own, but for all that Jupiter is not a desirable spot for Lovers, being for the most part molten, and somewhat spotty.
This little Pink Island is Great Britain, the little mother of one-fourth of all the countries of the Globe, including the United States.
From poster by James Montgomery Flagg.
The English-Speaking Union
The English People, or (if one must be accurate) the British, are the most to and fro-ward people in the world; like the bear in the fable when they are tired of going to and fro they reverse the process and go fro and to.
With Bibles and Bathtubs
And Ballots and Beer
And Hope and Hygienics
They girdle the Sphere.
In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government which today are blossoming into an English-Speaking Union under the British and American Flags that embrace one-fourth of the surface of the earth.
The climate of England is temperate. Its air is not, like that of the United States, compared to champagne.
London, the capital, is famous for its fogs; this is due to the absence of Sky-Scrapers.
London is also the centre of that vicious heritage of the Victorian Era, Respectability.
For any enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Buda Pesth and other capitals, which in return take their degrees of longitude from London (or Greenwich).
This picture shows the famous Rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the French motto of British respectability (Honi soit qui mal y pense) done into English.
The principal products of Great Britain are Beef, Bishops, Banks, and Barometers.
The inhabitants of England are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXIV
SCOTLAND
“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.
A mountainous, peaty region in the northern part of Great Britain.
The Dew distilled from the Scotch mountains, flavoured with the peat of the valleys is highly prized by the natives, not only of Scotland but of all the English speaking countries of this Giddy Globe.
The inhabitants are a tall, barb-wiry, music-loving, pious and joke-fearing race, fond of loud plaids and still Lauder songs.
Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term Bony (or Bonny) Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from “Bonnet,” the national headgear.
The principal products of Scotland are Porridge, Parsons and Pilbrochs.
The inhabitants of Scotland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXV
IRELAND
“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.
Ireland is the land of the Irish Bull, a paradoxical Bovine whose cross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions at once.
The population of Ireland consists chiefly of Absentee landlords and Emigrants to the United States.
They are ruled by two Absentee governments, a Parliament at Westminster and an Itinerant President.
Scene in Irish House of Parliament
The country is infested with Absentee Snakes. It is believed that the Serpent who tempted Eve (from the “way he had with the women”) was one of these Absentee snakes.
Strabo, the Greek Geographer who visited Ireland long before St. Patrick, describes the inhabitants as, “more savage than the Britons, feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable to devour their deceased fathers.”
Strabo evidently attended a wake and miscalculated the strength of the national beverage.
The principal products of Ireland are Potatoes, Pugilists, Patriots,[A] Poteen and Bernard Shaw.
The inhabitants of Ireland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
The Giddy Globe Consoling Ireland
CHAPTER XXVI
WALES
See the Welsh Rabbit—he is bred on cheese;
(Or cheese on bread, whichever way you please).
Although he’s tough, he looks so mild, who’d think
That a strong man from this small beast would shrink?
Carolyn Wells.
Wales is the home of the Welsh bards so called because the language in which they are written, which resembles a mixture of Chech, Chinese, Celtic and Chocktaw, is barred from the concert and operatic stage.
The most famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince of Wales and Lloyd George.
The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing dish and prolific as his namesake of Australia, has spread all over the Giddy Globe and been a potent factor in keeping the world awake.
Lloyd George too (strange parallel!) was born in a political chafing dish and has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the world awake.
Let us hope that the Prince of Wales (Bless him) will follow in the footsteps of this illustrious pair and live to keep the world awake long after this Geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition!
The Prince has been immortalized in the following lines:
“Hurray!” cried the Kitten,
“Hurray!”
As he merrily set the sails,
“I sail o’er the ocean
today, today,
To look at the Prince of Wales!”
“Oh, Kitten, pause at the brink!
And think of the angry gales!”
“Ah, yes,” cried the Kitten, “but think!
Oh, think of the Prince of Wales!”
“But, Kitten,” I cried, dismayed,
“If you live through the angry gales
You know you will be afraid
To look at the Prince of Wales!”
Said the Kitten, “No such thing!
Why should he make me wince?
If a Cat may look at a King,
A Kitten may look at a Prince!”
PART III
FOREIGN COUNTRIES
CHAPTER XXVII
SOUTH AMERICA
From the beginning of time up to the present century, the continents of North and South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of matrimony.
South American Wild Horse
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)
They were seemingly inseparable.
The first indication that everything was not as it should be with this long united couple, was in the year 1880, when a Frenchman named De Lesseps (who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa) attempted to bring about a separation.
The attempt, however, was a failure, and, after dragging on for eight years, proceedings were dropped for want of funds.
Fourteen years later President Roosevelt, desiring to remove all obstacles to a much desired union of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, started a new action for divorce on the same grounds as that of De Lesseps, and in August, 1902, the divorce of North and South America and the wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans were simultaneously celebrated.
The Northern and Southern continents are now better friends than ever and the Atlantic Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back door to spend an evening with the Pacific.
CHAPTER XXVIII
HOLLAND
The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So deep-seated is Dutch cleanliness that Godliness (in the next seat) must get up and cling to a strap.
In Holland they run cleanliness into the ground, the heads of the cabbages are inspected every day and the ears of the corn and the necks of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night.
The Sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife but the clouds are kept busy posing for the landscape painters.
Even the Wind is not allowed to be idle; wind mills are posted everywhere and not a breath of air can stir without performing some useful task.
And the Sea! The majestic Sea, that has always boasted of its freedom, is locked up in Dykes and forced to do the work of highways and railroads.
The capital of Holland is the Hague, and here was held the first Peace Conference (in 1898), a gathering of Autocrats and Plutocrats to discuss the Economics of War.
Firstly, to make rules by which war may be conducted with the least possible damage to Vested Interests.
Secondly, to reduce the cost of war by the use of methods which, while putting a soldier out of action, will not injure him beyond the possibility of repair for use in another War.
Today the Peace Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it, is dead, but another Conference (called by Woodrow Wilson) is to be held in Geneva which, Peter Simple hopes, will abolish War forever.
The inhabitants of Holland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXIX
BELGIUM
Belgium may be compared to a Hollandaise Sauce with a piquant Gallic flavour.
Belgium is the Bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert of Belgium is the modern Horatius who
“ ... facing fearful odds,
For the ashes of his fathers
And the temples of his Gods,”
kept “the bridge” in the brave days of 1914.
Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in 1914, but the Crown of King Albert is of the sort that will never be out of style, and besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him.
When Julius Cæsar described the Belgians as the “Bravest of all the Gauls” he was a Prophet as well as a Historian.
The inhabitants of Belgium are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and if they hadn’t “kept the bridge” the World War could never have been won.
A Perfect Day in Paris
CHAPTER XXX
FRANCE
“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.
France is the greatest Millinery Power on earth. The capital of France is Paris.
Paris, though inhabited largely by Americans and English, is famous for its gaiety.
The principal products of Paris are Plaster of Paris, Paris Green, Parasols and Pâté de fois gras.*
* Alliteration is the thief of accuracy!
Pâté de fois gras is the product
of Strasburg.
The Reader.
The Reader is, for once, mistaken. Paris, as everyone knows, is France, and Strasburg, thanks to Haig, Foch, Albert, Pershing and Co., is now French.
Paris is divided into two parts—
I. Paris Proper.
Famous for The Eiffel tower, a sky-scraper that contains no offices and the Magasin de Louvre which is visited by thousands of Americans daily.
There is also another Louvre containing some pictures (hand painted) and statues.
II. Paris Improper.
.............................................................
.............................................................
.............................................................
(See [Appendix].)
The inhabitants of France are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXXI
GERMANY
THIS SPACE TO LET
“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”—Hamlet.
While Repairs are being made, in the temporary absence of Messrs. Hohenzollern & Co., the Show Window of this establishment may be rented for the display of Bolshevism, Anarchism, Socialism, or any other popular Ism that may apply.
CHAPTER XXXII
SWITZERLAND
Switzerland is famous for its Condensed Milk, Cuckoo Clocks, Yodelers, and Heroes.
The Swiss are an Artless people.
“What more worthy people! Whose every Alpine gap yawns with tradition, and is stocked with noble story, yet, the perverse and scornful one (Art) will none of it, and the sons of patriots are left with the clock that turns the mill, and the sudden cuckoo, with difficulty restrained in its box.”
Whistler.
The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXXIII
MONACO
Monaco is the centre of the spinning industry of the world.
Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte Carlo every year to spin.
The inhabitants of Monaco are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXXIV
TURKEY
When what was once a Turkey comes before us on a platter (like this) shorn of all that endeared it to itself, a burnt offering to Appetite, fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be the “ ... last scene of all. That ends this strange eventful history.”
All he wants to know is whether he will get the particular slice he has mentally reserved for himself.
Just so that other Turkey that sits on the fence between Europe and Asia and gobbles defiance at an avenging world.
The avenging Powers sit round as they have sat round before, waiting each one for the slice he has mentally reserved for himself. But there won’t be any slices!
You may burn, you may shatter
The Turk if you will,
He will rise from his ashes
And roost with you still.
He is the modern incarnation of the indestructible Phœnix Bird.
Nevertheless we must give the Devil his due; the Turks are a fearless people; they have many wives.
The inhabitants of Turkey are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and they won the World War.
A Perfect Day in Petrograd
CHAPTER XXXV
RUSSIA
Russia comprises one-sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the Globe. Formerly the property of a Czar named Nicholas, it is now owned by a Superczar named Lenine.
The principal objects of interest are Samovars, Soviets, Sables, and the Steppes.
The Steppes of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing to do with those of the Russian Dancers.
At the present stage of Russian Affairs they may better be compared to the well-known Steps to Avernus, which are for descent only—and easy at that!
Today almost the only articles of Russian Manufacture are Natural Ice and Press Dispatches.
Of manufacture of the latter, as regards volume at least, there has never been such an enorm——*
* Why go on about Russia?
The Reader.
Quite right! Russia is too large for such a little Geography as this.
We will leave Russia as quickly as possible.
Watch your Steppe!
CHAPTER XXXVI
NORWAY AND SWEDEN
It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden! A handsomer country couple—or couple of countries—it would be hard to meet anywhere, and so propinquous! Have they not been next-door neighbours from the infancy of the world?
And everybody knows what Propinquity does.
It is Cupid’s middle name; what more natural than that they should get married?
Haven’t you heard? Well, it all happened so quickly, they were married in Vienna in 1815, and—well, you know Propinquity is the Devil’s middle name, too—they were divorced in 1905 after a brief married life of only ninety years!
What could have been the trouble?
Some say the food, others attribute it to the Domestic Drama. Perhaps it was both. Here is a typical Scandinavian Menu—
Pjkled Ojsters
Bjsque of Snajls
Frjed Fjsh
Natjve Wjne
Qujnce Jce-cream
Onjons and Bjsqujts
It might almost pass for an Ibsen Play with the average theatre-goer; it has what the average theatre-goer calls “atmosphere.”
I once drew Ibsen, looking bored
Across a deep Norwegian Fjord,
And very nearly everyone
Mistook him for the Midnight Sun.
Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or stodgy, as distinguished from the stagey, Drama.
James Huneker, the eminent Lexicographer, as a compliment to that great and hirsutiferous playwright, has re-christened Norway “The Land of the Midnight Whiskers.”
The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are the most Moral and Patriotic People in the World, and they won the World War.
CHAPTER XXXVII
AFRICA
“The apparel oft proclaims the man.”
—Hamlet.
Africa is the richest “jack-pot” in the game of territorial “freeze-out” played by the European Powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold, ivory, rubber and slaves, though the latter are nominally outside the limit.
An Elephant
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)
The game began nearly three centuries ago and now in the early morning of the twentieth century (such a fascinating game is Poker!) it is still in progress, though Germany, who staked all her pile and lost, has dropped out.
A Lion
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)
The ancient Greek Geographer Strabo (64 B. C.) describes Africa as “the fruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and similar animals; of lions also and panthers.” He does not mention the Chimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all the aboriginal inhabitants, a gentle and peace-loving race, abstemious without being bigoted, and patriotic to a high degree, very few surviving transportation from their native jungle.
Children, behold the Chimpanzee!
He sits on the ancestral tree
From which we sprang in ages gone,
I’m glad we sprang—had we held on
We might, for all that I can say,
Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day.
The inhabitants of Africa are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXXVIII
ARABIA
A Camel
(From an instantaneous photograph of an animal cracker)
Arabia is the home of the Camel and the Bedouin.
“The Camel may be likened to
A desert ship. (This is not new.)
He is a most ungainly craft,
With frowning turrets fore and aft
We little realize on earth,
How much we owe to his great girth,
For should he ever shrink so small
As through the needle’s eye to crawl,
Rich men might climb the golden stairs
And so leave nothing to their heirs.”
The Camel is called the ship of the desert because its gait is said to resemble the motion of a ship.
A Bedouin A Folding-Bedouin
To be strictly accurate it is a hundred times worse than a ship, but not quite so bad as a motor bus.
The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand, or bed-rock, avoiding river-beds or water in any form.
He must not be confounded with the Folding-Bedouins of North America.
The Folding-Bedouins are a semi-nomadic tribe, supposed by some to be related to the Hall-Roomanians and the Red-Inkas of Bohemia.
The inhabitants of Arabia are the most Moral and Patriotic in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XXXIX
AUSTRALIA
Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome rotation of our seasons, should go to Australia, where Spring commences on September the twenty-third, Summer on December the twenty-second, Autumn on March the twenty-first and Winter on June the twenty-first.
The Fauna of Australia, as if determined not to be outdone in eccentricity by the Seasons, is represented by the Ornithorynchus Paradoxus, which Peter Simple has described in the following lines
My child, the Duck-billed Platypus
A sad example sets for us.
From him we learn how indecision
Of character provokes derision.
This vacillating beast, you see,
Could not decide which he would be—
Fish, flesh or fowl—and chose all three.
The scientists were sorely vexed,
To classify him so perplexed
Their brains that they with rage at bay
Called him a horrid name one day,
A name that baffles, frights and shocks us
Ornithorynchus Paradoxus.
The inhabitants of Australia are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XL
CHINA
China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the most exclusive flower-garden in the world, and is surrounded by a high wall.
The only Flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the little flower of Pekoe and her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise to cheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world.
The country of China, too, may be likened to a Flower; her treasure is the envy of the world, and flower-like she must remain rooted to the ground while the Busy Bees from other lands relieve her of everything she possesses.
Everyone agrees that China should have an Open Door, but the Busy Bee Nations want a Door that opens only inwards, while the Flower Nation wants a door that opens only outwards.
At a recent conference of Bees and Flowers, Peter Simple suggested a Revolving Door as a compromise.
A commission was at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to report on Revolving Doors.
The matter is still being revolved. It may end in a Revolution.
The inhabitants of China are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XLI
JAPAN
Translation
The inhabitants of Japan are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War.
CHAPTER XLII
EGYPT, INDIA, ITALY, SPAIN, GREECE, ETC.
No work on Geography could be called complete without a description of these six (counting, etc.) countries.
If the Reader should ask me how I came to leave six such important countries to the last page, I should be compelled to change the subject.
Writing a little Geography Book is like packing a very small bag for a journey round the world, only instead of cramming it with shirts and shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes, you stuff it full of countries, and when you try to close it (as with the bag) you always find that you have left out at least several of the most important things.
No amount of squeezing (or sitting on the lid) will make room for six such big countries in a little book that is already as full as it can be.
The only thing to do is to take out all the countries and lay them in a row and see which you can get along best without; you can’t possibly spare any of the large countries; the question is how many of the little countries together would——*
* You are digressing again,
worse than ever! This thing
has got to stop!
The Reader.
Oh, very well! If that’s the way the Reader feels about it it shall stop right here.
THE END
EPILOGUE
If this little world to-night
Suddenly should fall thro’ space
In a hissing, headlong flight
Shrivelling from off its face,
As it falls into the sun,
In an instant every trace
Of the little crawling things—
Ants, philosophers, and lice,
Cattle, cockroaches, and kings,
Beggars, millionaires, and mice,
Men and maggots all as one
As it falls into the sun—
Who can say but at the same
Instant from some planet far
A child may watch us and exclaim:
“See the pretty shooting star!”
APPENDIX
See next page.