CHAPTER VI.

OF VERBS.

SECTION I.

OF THE NATURE OF VERBS IN GENERAL.

The nature of Verbs in general, and that in all languages, is, that they are the most difficult things in the Grammar.

Verbs are divided into Active, Passive, and Neuter; and also into Regular, Irregular, and Defective. To these divisions we beg to add another; Verbs Comic.

A Verb Active implies an agent, and an object acted upon; as, to love; “I love Wilhelmina Stubbs.” Here, I am the agent; that is, the lover; and Wilhelmina Stubbs is the object acted upon, or the beloved object.

A Verb Passive expresses the suffering, feeling, or undergoing of something; and therefore implies an object acted upon, and an agent by which it is acted upon; as, to be loved; “Wilhelmina Stubbs is loved by me.”

A Verb Neuter expresses neither action nor passion, but a state of being; as, I bounce, I lie.

“Fact, Madam!”
“Gracious, Major!”

Of Verbs Regular, Irregular, and Defective, we shall have somewhat to say hereafter.

Verbs Comic are, for the most part, verbs which cannot be found in the dictionary, and are used to express ordinary actions in a jocular manner; as, to “morris,” to “bolt,” to “mizzle,” which signify to go or to depart; to “bone,” to “prig,” that is to say, to steal; to “collar,” which means to seize, an expression probably derived from the mode of prehension, or rather apprehension characteristic of the New Police, as it is one very much in the mouths of those who most frequently come in contact with that body: to “lush,” or drink; to “grub,” or eat; to “sell,” or deceive, &c.

Under the head of Verbs Comic, the Yankee-isms, I “calculate,” I “reckon,” I “realise,” I “guess,” and the like, may also be properly enumerated.

Auxiliary, or helping Verbs (by the way, we marvel that the Americans do not call their servants auxiliaries instead of helps,) are those, by the help of which we are chiefly enabled to conjugate our verbs in English. They are, do, be, have, shall, will, may, can, with their variations; and let and must, which have no variation.

Let, however, when it is anything but a helping verb, as, for instance, when it signifies to hinder, makes lettest and letteth. The phrase, “This House to Let,” generally used instead of “to be let,” really meaning the reverse of what it is intended to convey, is a piece of comic English.

To verbs belong Number, Person, Mood, and Tense. These may be called the properties of a verb; and like those of opium, they are soporiferous properties. There are two very important objects which the writer of every book has, or ought to have in view, to get a reader who is wide awake, and to keep him so:—the latter of which, when Number, Person, Mood, and Tense are to be treated of, is no such easy matter; seeing that the said writer is then in some danger of going to sleep himself. Never mind. If we nod, let the reader wink. What can’t be cured must be endured.

SECTION II.

OF NUMBER AND PERSON.

Verbs have two numbers, the Singular and the Plural; as, “I fiddle, we fiddle,” &c.

In each number there are three persons; as

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
First Person I love We love.
Second Person Thou lovest Ye or you love.
Third Person He loves They love.

What a deal there is in every Grammar about love! Here the following Lines, by a Young Lady (now no more), addressed to Lindley Murray, deserve to be recorded:—

“Oh, Murray! fatal name to me,
Thy burning page with tears is wet;
Since first ‘to love’ I learned of thee,
Teach me, ah! teach me ‘to forget!’”

SECTION III.

OF MOODS AND PARTICIPLES.

Mood or Mode is a particular form of the verb, or a certain variation which it undergoes, showing the manner in which the being, action, or passion, is represented.

The moods of verbs are five, the Indicative, the Imperative, the Potential, the Subjunctive, and the Infinitive.

The Indicative Mood simply points out or declares a thing: as, “He teaches, he is taught;” or it asks a question: as, “Does he teach? Is he taught?”

Q. Why is old age the best teacher?

A. Because he gives you the most wrinkles.

Q. Why does a rope support a rope-dancer?

A. Because it is taught.

The Imperative Mood commands, exhorts, entreats, or permits: as, “Vanish thou; trot ye; let us hop; be off!”

The Potential Mood implies possibility or liberty, power, will, or obligation: as, “A waiter may be honest. You may stand upon truth or lie. I can filch. He would cozen. They should learn.”

The Subjunctive Mood is used to represent a thing as done conditionally; and is preceded by a conjunction, expressed or understood, and accompanied by another verb: as, “If the skies should fall, larks would be caught.” “Were I to punch your head, I should serve you right;” that is, “if I were to punch your head.”

The Infinitive Mood expresses a thing generally, without limitation, and without any distinction of number or person: as, “to quarrel, to fight, to be licked.”

The Participle is a peculiar form of the verb, and is so called, because it participates in the properties both of a verb and of an adjective: as, “May I have the pleasure of dancing with you?” “Mounted on a tub he addressed the bystanders.” “Having uplifted a stave, they departed.”

The Participles are three; the Present or Active, the Perfect or Passive, and the Compound Perfect: as, “I felt nervous at the thought of popping the question, but that once popped, I was not sorry for having popped it.”

The worst of popping the question is, that the report is always sure to get abroad.

SECTION IV.

OF THE TENSES.

Tense is the distinction of time, and consists of six divisions, namely, the Present, the Imperfect, the Perfect, the Pluperfect, and the First and Second Future Tenses.

Time is also distinguished by a fore lock, scythe, and hour-glass; but the youthful reader must bear in mind, that these things are not to be confounded with tenses.

The Present Tense, as its name implies, represents an action or event occurring at the present time: as, “I lament; rogues prosper; the mob rules.”

The Imperfect Tense represents a past action or event, but which, like a mutton chop, may be either thoroughly done, or not thoroughly done; were it meet, we should say under-done: as,

“When I was a little boy some fifteen years ago,
My mammy doted on me—Lork! she made me quite a show.”

“When our reporter left, the Honourable Gentleman was still on his legs.”

The legs of most “Honourable Gentlemen” must be tolerably stout ones; for the “majority” do not stand on trifles. However, we are not going to commit ourselves, like some folks, nor to get committed, like other folks; so we will leave “Honourable Gentlemen” to manage matters their own way.

The Perfect Tense declares a thing to have been done at some time, though an indefinite one, antecedent to the present time. That, however, which the Perfect Tense represents as done, is completely, or, as we say of John Bull, when he is humbugged by the thimble-rig people, regularly done; as, “I have been out on the river.” “I have caught a crab.”

Catching a crab is a thing regularly (in another sense than completely) done, when civic swains pull young ladies up to Richmond. We beg to inform persons unacquainted with aquatic phraseology, that “pulling up” young ladies, or others, is a very different thing from “pulling up” an omnibus conductor or a cabman. What an equivocal language is ours! How much less agreeable to be “pulled up” at Bow Street than to be “pulled up” in a wherry! how wide the discrepancy between “pulling up” radishes and “pulling up” horses!

The Pluperfect Tense represents a thing as doubly past; that is, as past previously to some other point of time also past; as, “I fell in love before I had arrived at years of discretion.”

The First Future Tense represents the action as yet to come, either at a certain or an uncertain time; as, “The tailor will send my coat home to-morrow; and when I find it perfectly convenient, I shall pay him.”

The Second Future intimates that the action will be completed at or before the time of another future action or event; as, “I wonder how many conquests I shall have made by to-morrow morning.”

N.B. One ball is often the means of killing a great many people.

The consideration of the tenses suggests various moral reflections to the thinking mind.

A few examples will perhaps suffice:—

1. Present, though moderate fruition, is preferable to splendid, but contingent futurity; i. e. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

2. Imperfect nutrition is less to be deprecated than privation of aliment;—a new way of putting an old proverb, which we need not again insert, respecting half a loaf.

3. Perfect callidity was the distinguishing attribute of the Curved Pedestrian.

Callidity is another word for craftiness; but for the exercise of the reader’s ingenuity, we forbear to mention the person alluded to as so remarkable for his astutious qualities.

Q. What species of writing is most conducive to morality?

A. Text-hand.

SECTION V.

the conjugation of the auxiliary verbs To Have and To Be.

We have observed that boys, in conjugating verbs, give no indications of delight, except that which an ingenuous disposition always feels in the acquisition of knowledge. Now, having arrived at that part of the Grammar in which it becomes necessary that these same verbs should be considered, we feel ourselves in an awkward dilemma. The omission of the conjugations is a serious omission—which, of course, is objectionable in a comic work—and the insertion of them would be equally serious, and therefore quite as improper. What shall we do? We will adopt a middle course; referring the reader to Murray and other talented authors for full information on these matters; and requesting him to be content with our confining ourselves to what is more especially suitable to these pages—a short summary of the Comicalities of verbs.

The Conjugation of a verb is the combination and arrangement of its numbers, persons, moods, and tenses.

The Comicalities of verbs consist in certain liberties taken with their numbers, persons, moods, and tenses.

The Conjugation of an active verb is called the Active Voice, and that of a passive Verb the Passive Voice.

If verbs have voices, it is but reasonable that walls should have ears.

The auxiliary and active verb To Have is thus peculiarly conjugated by some people in some of its moods and tenses.

TO HAVE.

INDICATIVE MOOD.

PRESENT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1.Pers.I has. 1.Pers.We has.
2. Thee’st. 2. Ye or you has.
3. He’ve. 3. They has.

PERFECT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I’ze had. 1. We’ze had.
2. Thee’st had. 2. Ye or you’ze had.
3. He’ve had. 3. They’ze had.

FIRST FUTURE TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I sholl or ool ha’. 1. We shool or ool ha’.
2. Thee shat or oot ha’. 2. Ye or you sholl or ool ha’.
3. He sholl or ool ha’. 3. They sholl or ool ha’.

IMPERATIVE MOOD.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. Let me ha’. 1. Let’s ha’.
2. Ha’, or ha thou, or do thee ha’. 2. Ha, or ha ye, or do ye, or you ha’.
3. Let un ha’. 3. Let um ha’.

POTENTIAL MOOD.

PRESENT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I med or can ha’. 1. We med or can ha’.
2. Thee medst or canst ha’. 2. Ye or you med or can ha’.
3. He med or can ha’. 3. They med or can ha’.

SUBJUNCTIVE MOOD.

PRESENT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. If I has. 1. If we has.
2. If thee hast 2. If ye or you has.
3. If he ha’. 3. If they has.

INFINITIVE MOOD.

Present, To ha’. Perfect, To a had.

PARTICIPLES.

Present or Active, Havun or Avun.
Perfect, ’Ad.
Compound Perfect, Havun ’ad.

The auxiliary and neuter verb To Be, is maltreated as follows:

TO BE.

(Toby or not Toby?—that is the question!)

INDICATIVE MOOD.

PRESENT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I be. 1. We be.
2. Thee bist. 2. Ye or you be.
3. He, she or it am. 3. They be or am.

IMPERFECT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I wor, or wus. 1. We wus.
2. Thee wort. 2. Ye or you wus.
3. He wur. 3. They wur.

“When I say as you was, I mean, as you were.”

PERFECT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I’ve a bin. 1. We’ve a bin.
2. Thee’st a bin. 2. Ye or you’ve a bin.
3. He’ve a bin. 3. They’ve a bin.

IMPERATIVE MOOD.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. Let I be. 1. Let we be.
2. Be thee or ’st thee be. 2. Do ’ee be.
3. Let un be. 3. Let um be.

INFINITIVE MOOD.

Present Tense, For to be. Perfect, For to ha’ bin.

PARTICIPLES.

Present, Beun. Perfect,Bin.
Compound Perfect, Havun bin.

If being a younster, I had not been smitten,
Of having been jilted I should not complain,
Take warning from me all ye lads who are bitten,
When this part of Grammar occurs to your brain.

As there is a certain intensity of feeling abroad, which renders people indisposed to trouble themselves with verbal matters, we shall take the liberty of making very short work of the Regular Verbs. Even Murray can only afford to conjugate one example,—To Love. The learner must amplify this part of the Grammar for himself: and we recommend him to substitute for “to love,” some word less harrowing to a sensitive mind: as, “to fleece, to tax,” verbs which excite disagreeable emotions only in a sordid one; and which also, by association of ideas, conduct us to useful reflections on Political Economy. We advise all whom it may concern, however, to pay the greatest attention to this part of the Grammar, and before they come to the Verbs Regular, to make a particular study of the Auxiliary Verbs: not only for the excellent reasons set forth in “Tristram Shandy,” but also to avoid those awkward mistakes in which the Comicalities of the Verbs, or Verbal Comicalities, chiefly consist.

“Did it rain to-morrow?” asked Monsieur Grenouille.

“Yes it was!” replied Monsieur Crapaud.

We propose the following as an auxiliary mode of conjugating verbs:—“I love to roam on the crested foam, Thou lovest to roam on the crested foam, He loves to roam on the crested foam, We love to roam on the crested foam, Ye or you love to roam on the crested foam, They love to roam on the crested foam,” &c. These words, if set to music, might serve for a grammatical glee, and would, at all events, be productive of mirth.

The Auxiliary Verbs, too, are very useful when a peculiar emphasis is required: as, “I shall give you a drubbing!” “Will you?” “I know a trick worth two of that.” “Do you, though?” “It might,” as the Quaker said to the Yankee, who wanted to know what his name might be; “it might be Beelzebub, but it is not.”

Now we may as well say what we have to say about the conjugation of regular verbs active.

SECTION VI.

THE CONJUGATION OF REGULAR VERBS ACTIVE.

Regular Verbs Active are known by their forming their imperfect tense of the indicative mood, and their perfect participle, by adding to the verb ed, or d only when the verb ends in e: as,

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. PARTICIP.
I reckon. I reckoned. Reckoned.
I realise. I realised. Realised.

Here should follow the conjugation of the regular active verb, or, as a Cockney Romeo would say, the regular torturing verb, To Love; but we have already assigned a good reason for omitting it; besides which we have to say, that we think it a verb highly unfit for conjugation by youth, as it tends to put ideas into their heads which they would otherwise never have thought of; and it is moreover our opinion, that several of our most gifted poets may, with reason, have attributed those unfortunate attachments which, though formed in early youth, served to embitter their whole lives, to the poison which they thus sucked in with the milk, so to speak, of their Mother Tongue, the Grammar.

PASSIVE.

Verbs Passive are said to be regular, when their perfect participle is formed by the addition of d, or ed to the verb: as, from the verb “To bless,” is formed the passive, “I am blessed, I was blessed, I shall be blessed,” &c.

The conjugation of a passive verb is nothing more than the repetition of that of the auxiliary To Be, the perfect participle being added.

And now, having cut the regular verbs (as Alexander did the Gordian knot) instead of conjugating them, let us proceed to consider the

IRREGULAR VERBS.

SECTION VII.

Irregular Verbs are those of which the imperfect tense and the perfect participle are not formed by adding d or ed to the verb: as,

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERFECT PART.
I blow. I blew. blown.

To say I am blown, is, under certain circumstances, such as windy and tempestuous weather, proper enough; but I am blowed, it will at once be perceived, is not only an ungrammatical, but also a vulgar expression.

Great liberties are taken with the Irregular Verbs, insomuch that in the mouths of some persons, divers of them become doubly irregular in the formation of their participles. Among such Irregular Verbs we may enumerate the following:—

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART.
Am wur bin.
Beat bet or bate bate.
Burst bust busted.
Catch cotch cotched
Come kim comed.
Creep crup crup.
Drive druv driv.
Freeze friz froze.
Give guv giv.
Go goed went.
Rise riz rose.
See sid sin, &c.

Some verbs which in this country are held to be regular, are treated as irregular verbs in America: as,

PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART.
Row rew rown.
Snow snew snown.

SECTION VIII.

OF DEFECTIVE VERBS.

Most men have five senses,
Most verbs have six tenses;
But as there are some folks
Who are blind, deaf, or dumb folks,
Just so there are some verbs
Defective, or rum verbs,

which are used only in some of their moods and tenses.

The principal of them are these:—

IMPERF. PERF. OR PASS. PART.
Can could nix.
May might —
Shall should —
Will would —
Must must —
Ought ought —
— quoth —

There is not, perhaps, anything in the defective verbs peculiarly valuable in a comic point of view. However, it should not be forgotten, that

Can is one of the signs of the POT-ential Mood;

Will, Would reminds us of the Drapier’s Letters.

“Must” is for the House of Commons (it used to be for the King).

Ought, ought, with 1 before it, stands, (in schoolboy phrase) for 100.

’Tis naught, so to speak, however, says Murray.