CHAPTER XXXV—PEACE WITH INDEMNITY
I said, “We should worry about the cavalry; the only thing that this cavalry can surround is the organ on the merry-go-round.”
“I can surround a frankfurter,” Pee-wee shouted. Believe me, he could.
Harry said, “The cavalry will dismount; you’re all court-martialed and ordered to be shot at sunrise in the shooting gallery. Fall in line.”
Jiminies, I had to laugh to see that bunch trotting along after the autos, all the while munching frankfurters. I guess we were the craziest looking parade that ever was; but you can have a lot of fun being crazy, that’s one thing sure. All the people stopped what they were doing and followed after us. Most of the things that they were doing were eating. I wouldn’t stop doing that for anybody, I wouldn’t.
All around were veterans in old blue coats and they were sitting in groups talking; they were talking about Gettysburg and Richmond, and General Grant, and things like that. One of them was talking about Sugar Loaf Mountain and Pee-wee kind of slowed up so as he could listen. I guess he thought it was some kind of candy, hey? Harry looked around and shouted, “Attention!” And the kid jumped about a foot in the air.
Pretty soon we came to a little tent and there was a sign on it that said, “Administration Tent.”
Pee-wee shouted, “Go on, till we come to the commissary tent.”
I shouted back to him, “You’re a whole commissary in yourself. You’re a nice looking sight to demand a surrender. The first thing you want to seize is a wash basin!”
Sitting in front of that tent were several veterans and one of them was kind of cross and severe looking and he had a bald head. His head was so bald that I guess he didn’t know where to stop washing his face. You couldn’t even tell where his face was unless he put his hat on. He looked as if he was used to bossing people around. Anyway, I knew he was a Union soldier, because he had a telegram in his hand and it said Western Union on it.
We all stopped right in front of the tent and Harry got down and made a salute; it was awful funny. He said, “Major Grumpy, I believe?”
“That is my name, sir,” the old man said, very stern, kind of like a school principal.
Harry said, “I am Lieutenant Donnelle and these are my allied forces. We come here under the protection of a white—eh, a white popcorn bar. Hold up the popcorn bar, Private Harris.”
“It’s all gone,” Private Harris piped up.
Harry said, “I’m very sorry that our flag of truce has been eaten by one of our starving troopers. We are here to demand the surrender——”
“Scouts are supposed to say please” Will Dawson piped up.
Harry said, “Right. Scouts are polite even amid bloodshed and the roar of cannon.”
Major Grumpy said, “You look as if you had just taken the city of Frankfort, judging from your rear guard.”
Harry said, “Major Grumpy, your official report that Uncle Tom’s Cabin will not be given here to-day is not true; it is a garbled report. Allow me to tell you that, thanks to the boy scouts whom you sneer at and evict from your property, Eliza will be chased as per schedule, Uncle Tom will be thoroughly beaten, and little Eva will die and go to heaven as announced.”
Major Grumpy was kind of surprised. First he looked us all over, and Brent took off his hat and flapped his long sleeves at him, awful funny. Then the major said, “Who put you off this property?”
Then Harry said, “What you do to a boy scout, you do to every boy scout in the United States, including Mars and Grumpy’s Cross-roads and all outlying sections. When you put these little townsmen of yours out of that shady grove over there, you put us out. Do you know that? Even Uncle Tom, who gets whipped six times a week, not including Wednesday and Saturday matinees, says he never heard of such treatment. You call the Grand Army a kind of brotherhood, but let me tell you, Major, that we’ve got that name brotherhood copyrighted, all rights reserved. When you put these little fellows off your land, you put half a million scouts off your land, and that’s a bigger army than the Grand Army ever was.
“We sent up a signal to say that we were coming and that message was delivered to you and you thought it was a lot of nonsense.”
The major said, “So you were responsible for that column of smoke, hey?”
Harry said, “You’re kind of old fashioned, Major, on signal corps work. That was us, all right, and these little neighbors of yours gave you the message and you laughed at them. Well, here we are with the goods, Little Eva weeping her eyes out, Topsy ready to cut up, and Simon Legree with his whip; here we are just as we said we’d be—Johnny on the spot. We’ve brought with us every veteran between here and Barrow’s Homestead and they’re with us to the last ditch. Field Marshal Gaylong here is feared by every crow in the west. Now what are you going to do about it?
“We purpose, Major, to cut off your base of supplies; it’s either that or surrender. We want that shady little grove over there as indemnity. If we don’t get it we’re going to seize all the ice cream, all the soda water, all the lemonade, all the candy, all the popcorn on this bloody battlefield and starve you out. The Grand Army will look like Grand Street, New York, when we get through with it.”
“And frankfurters too!” Pee-wee shouted.
“There won’t be a frankfurter left to tell the tale,” Harry said; “this peaceful land will run red with red lemonade. Now what do you say?”
Gee whiz, I wouldn’t accuse Harry of being a traitor, but just the same I saw him wink at Major Grumpy, and Major Grumpy began to smile, and then he offered Harry a cigarette.
That was giving aid and comfort to the enemy, all right.