ACT IV.
SCENE, a large Saloon.
FIGARO and SUSAN, both joyous.
Figaro.
She has converted her Doctor at last—They are to be married, and these so late implacable Enemies are now become our dearest Friends.
Susan. What unexpected Happiness!
Figaro. Chance, my Susan—All the effect of Chance—“Yesterday, without a Relation in the World I could claim, to-day, behold me restored to my Parents—True it is, they are neither so rich nor so right honorable, so belaced nor betitled as my imagination had painted them—But that’s all one, they are mine”—I may truly be called both a Chance Child, and a Child of Chance—By Chance was I begot, by Chance brought into the World, by Chance was I stole, by Chance am I found, by Chance have I lived, and by Chance I shall die—Chance is Nature’s Sovereign, and must be mine.
Susan. Yes, and by Chance thou mayst come to be hang’d. (Laughs.)
Figaro. Or thou to be an Empress—Neither of them are impossible—He, the Conqueror, whose Ambition ravages the Earth, and whose Pride eats up Nations, is not less the sport of Chance than the blind Beggar who is conducted by his dog.
Susan. Ha, ha, ha!—Prithee leave thy Philosophy, and—
Figaro. And think of that other blind beggar, Love—Most willingly, my Angel. (Kisses her.)
Susan. Pooh, Pooh!—That was not what I meant.
Figaro. Rather say it was not half thy meaning, or thy meaning ill expressed. (Kisses her again.)
Susan. Ah, Figaro! Were this fondness, these days but durable—
Figaro. Durable!—Iron and Adamant—No; may millions of imaginary Gallants wrack my heart and decorate my—
Susan. “No rhodomantade, Figaro—Tell me the simple truth.
Figaro. “By the truest of all Truths I swear—
Susan. “Truest of Truths!—Are there various kinds of Truths then?
Figaro. “No doubt.
Susan. “Fie!
Figaro. “There are Truths that may be spoken: such as the Peccadillos of a poor Rascal! Truths that may not be spoken: such as the Robberies of a rich Rascal—There are your Truths comprehensible: such as that two and two make four; and your Truths incomprehensible: such as that two and two make five—Then there are your Tradesman’s Truths, which he retails to his Customers, your Lover’s Truths, which he pours wholesale into his Mistress’s ear—Your Courtier’s Truths, on which he feeds his Dependants and Parasites—Your Court of Law, or Kiss-the-Book Truths, which are the daily support of a vast number of very honest people—There are also your physical and metaphysical Truths—Your old Truths and your new Truths—Your heterodox and orthodox Truths—Your Mahometan Truths, your Jewish Truths, and your—other kind of truths, concerning which there never was nor ever will be any doubt—Not to mention your Truths in fashion: such as that Idleness, Ignorance, Dissipation, Gaming and Seduction are the requisites of a Gentleman—And your Truths out of fashion: such as that Gentleness, Obedience, Œconomy, and connubial Love are the requisites of a Gentlewoman.
Susan. “I find by your account of the matter, Figaro, that poor Truth, like a Lottery Ticket, is so divided and sub-divided, so halved, quartered, cut, carv’d, split and spliced, it is no where entire to be found.
Figaro. “No where.
Susan. “And moreover, that what is Truth to-day may be a Lie to-morrow.
Figaro. “May be! Must be.
Susan. “Consequently, that in less than twenty-four hours, my very tender submissive, ardent Lover may be metamorphosed into an arbitrary, cold, haughty Husband.
Figaro. “Impossible!—Impossible, my Susan! As it is for thee, my gentle, kind, and beauteous Bride, to be transformed into an ill-tempered, extravagant slatternly Wife.
Susan. “I understand thee”—Well, Well—We will endeavour to convert the iron Bands of Matrimony into a flowery Wreath which Love shall teach us to bear lightly and joyously through Life.
Figaro. Aye, and thus live a happy Exception to the established usage of a mad World.
Susan. But prithee, who is to go disguised and meet the Count?
Figaro. Who?—Nobody—Let him wait and fret, and bite his Nails—I never meant thou shouldst go.
Susan. I assure thee I never had any inclination.
Figaro. “Is that the real Truth, Susan?”
Susan. “What! Thinkest thou I am as learned as thou art? And that I keep several sorts of Truths?”
Figaro. (With fond Vivacity). And dost thou love me?
Susan. (Tenderly). Too much, I doubt.
Figaro. Ah!—That’s but little.
Susan. How!
Figaro. In Love’s Creed, too much is not even enough.
Susan. I understand nothing of this over-refinement, but I feel I shall love my Husband most heartily.
Figaro. Keep thy word, and put our modern Wives to the blush.
Susan. Afford them a subject to laugh and point at, thou mean’st.
Enter the COUNTESS.
Countess. Wherever you meet One of them, be certain you shall find a Pair. (They salute the Countess)—The Bridesmen and Maids wait for you, Figaro.
Figaro. I will take my excuse in my hand—(Going to lead out Susan)—Few offenders can plead so charming a one.
Countess. No, no; stop Susan: I want you—She shall come presently. (Exit Figaro).—Well, Susan, the time approaches, we must prepare for the Rendezvous.
Susan. “I must not go, Madam, Figaro is unwilling.
Countess. (Angry). “Figaro!—Figaro is not so scrupulous when a Marriage-portion is in question—That’s a poor Pretence; you are sorry you have told the truth, and discovered the Intentions of the Count.—Go, go—I am not to be so deceived. (Going).
Susan. (Catching hold of her and kneeling). “Ah, Madam! Let me conjure you to hear me, to pardon me.—How can you think me capable of deceiving so good, so liberal a Lady, whose bounties I have so often felt!——Oh, no; it is because I have promised Figaro.
Countess. (Mildly and Smiling). “Rise—Hast thou forgot, silly Girl, that it is I who am to go and not thee.—(Kisses her forehead)—But—I was too hasty.
Susan. “My dear, my generous Mistress.”
Countess. And what is the place of Rendezvous?
Susan. The Pavilion in the Garden.
Countess. There are two.
Susan. But they are opposite.
Countess. True—At what hour?
Susan. I don’t know.
Countess. That must be fixed—Sit down, take the pen and write—
(Susan sits down, the Countess dictates)
A NEW SONG,
To the Tune of,
The Twilight past, the Bell had toll’d.
Susan. (Writes). New song—Tune of—Bell had toll’d—What next, Madam?
Countess. Dost think he will not understand thee?
Susan. (Looking archly at the Countess). Very true—(Folding up the Letter)—But here is neither Wax nor Wafer.
Countess. Fasten it with a Pin, and write on the direction, Return the Seal. (Smiling.)
Susan. (Laughs) The Seal!—(Gets up.)—This is not quite so serious as the Commission just now was.
Countess. (Sighs). Ah, Susan.
Susan. I have never a Pin.
Countess. Take this.
(Gives her one which fastened the Page’s riband to her breast; it falls.)
Susan. (Picking up the riband) This is the Page’s riband, Madam.
Countess. Wouldst thou have me let him wear it? It will do for Agnes; I will give it her the first Bouquet she presents me.
(Just as the Countess has said this, Agnes and a troop of young Maidens, among them the Page, in girl’s cloaths, enter with nosegays for the Countess, who instantly puts the riband in her pocket, with an evident wish, by her looks and action, to preserve it.)
Countess. (Looking at the Page) What pretty maiden is this?
Agnes. A Cousin of mine, Madam, that we have invited to the Wedding.
Countess. Well, then, as we can wear but one nosegay, let us do honour to the Stranger. (Takes the Nosegay from the Page, and kisses his forehead.—(Aside to Susan) Don’t you think, Susan, she resembles amazingly—(Stops short, and looks at Susan).
Susan. Amazingly, indeed, Madam!
Page. (Aside) What a precious kiss! I feel it here. (Putting his hand on his heart.)
Enter the Count, and Antonio with a hat in his hand.
Antonio. (As he enters) Yes, yes, my Lord, I’m certain it was him. The rakish little Rascal is disguised among the Girls. I found his new hat and cockade here—hid in a basket. (The Countess and Susan surprised, look at the Page, and then at each other. The girls surround and endeavour to hide Hannibal; Antonio seeks among them). Ay, ay, here he is—here he is. (Antonio takes off his cap, and puts on his hat) There, my Lord! There’s a pretty, modest Virgin for you!
Count. Well, my Lady!
Countess. Well, my Lord!—I am as much surprized as you can be; and, I assure you, not less vex’d.—At present, however, it is time to tell you the whole Truth: This young gentleman (Pointing to the Page) was hid in my Dressing-room.—We attempted a Joke, which these Girls have put in practice.
Count. But wherefore hide him from me?
Countess. Because, my Lord, when your Passions are predominant, you are incapable of either listening to or believing the Truth.
Count. (Aside) Must I for ever be disturbed, haunted, and bewitch’d thus by this beardless Boy? (Turning with great wrath towards the Page) What is the reason, Sir, you have not obeyed my Commands?
Page. (Draws back frightened, and takes off his hat) My-my-my Lord, I staid to teach Agnes the Love scene she is to play in the Comedy this evening.
Agnes. (Steps forward) Ah, my Lord, when you come to my room, you know, and want to kiss me—
Count. I!
(The Countess remarks his embarrassment, Susan laughs silently, and makes signs to the Countess).
Agnes. Yes, my Lord! You say to me, My pretty Agnes, if you will but love me, I will give you any thing you wish to have; now, my Lord, if you will give me Hannibal for a husband, I will love you with all my heart.
Countess. You hear, my Lord!—Has not the simplicity of this Child’s confession, as artless as the one I have this moment made, sufficiently justified my Conduct? And do not circumstances prove, how injurious your Suspicions have been, and how well founded mine? (Count bows to the Countess.)
Antonio. You see, my Lord, what a giddy young thing it is.
Count. And very loving too.
Antonio. Her mother, as every body knows, was just such another.
Enter FIGARO.
Figaro. Come, my pretty Maidens, come. (Turns to the Count) While you keep the Lasses here, my Lord, we can neither begin our Procession nor our Dances.
Count. (Gravely putting on his hat) Why surely, Sir, you don’t intend to dance.
Figaro. Why not, my Lord?
Count. What! With a hurt in your ancle?
Figaro. Oh! Is that all?—It pains me a little, to be sure; but that’s a trifle—Come Girls.
Count. (Turning him back) You were very lucky to light upon such soft ground.
Figaro. Exceedingly, my Lord:—Come Lasses.
Antonio. (Turning him back on the other side) And then you double yourself up, when you take a leap? Yet, like a Cat, you fall on your feet.
Figaro. What then?—Come Gir—
Count. But how unhappy the poor Youth will be about his Commission.
Figaro. What is the meaning of all this, my Lord?
Antonio. (Bringing the Page forward) Do you know this bashful young Lady?
Figaro. The Devil! Hannibal!—(Aside.) Well, and what Riddle has he to propound?
Count. No Riddle, Sir, but a simple matter of fact:—He affirms, it was he who jump’d out of the window.
Figaro. Does he?—Well, if he say so, I suppose it is so.
Count. How! What two at a time?
Figaro. Two? Twenty! Why not, my Lord? One sheep begins, and the rest naturally follow: (Flourish of Music without) Come, come, my merry Maidens, don’t you hear the music? Quick, quick, run, run, run.
(Exeunt Susan and Figaro, with the Girls.)
Count. (To the Page) Harkee, little Rascal, begone, instantly; put off your Petticoats, and don’t stir out of your room the rest of the day.—Take care, Sir, I don’t meet you again.
Page. (Putting on his hat) No matter—I bare away that upon my forehead, which would compensate for an age of imprisonment. (Exit joyously).
Count. (Looks at the Countess, who recollects the kiss she had just given the Page) His forehead! What is it he bears away so triumphantly upon his forehead?
Countess. (Embarrassed) A—His Officer’s hat, I suppose. Every new Bauble pleases a Child.
(Going.)
Count. The Procession is coming, will not your Ladyship stay and be a witness of your Favourite’s happiness?
Countess. As your Lordship pleases.
Enter the Procession of the two Weddings. A March is played; Doctor Bartholo and Marcelina are preceded by Cryer of the Court, Guards, Doublefee, Counsellors, Don Guzman; after them come Antonio, Figaro, and Susan, followed by the Bridesmen and Maids, and a troop of Dancers. They all salute the Count and Countess as they pass; and after making the tour of the stage, Antonio presents his Niece to the Count; Susan kneels, one of the Bridemaids gives the Count the nuptial Cap; and Susan, while the Count is placing it on her head, plucks him by the cloak, and shews him the Note she had just before written. He pretends to keep adjusting the Cap, and slily reaches to take the Note, which he instantly claps in his bosom, having previously unbuttoned himself for that purpose. While this is transacting a Castanet-Dance is performed. As soon as Susan rises, she purposely places herself before the Countess, to encourage the Count to read the Note, who accordingly steps forward, is going to open it, and pricks his finger with the Pin, which he plucks out and throws angrily on the floor.)
Count. These Women and their curst Pins.
Figaro. (Aside to his Mother laughing) The Count has received a Billet-doux from some pretty Girl, sealed with a Pin! This is a new fashion, which he does not seem to admire.
(The Count reads the Note, is exceedingly pleased, folds it up again, and reads on the outside, “Return the Seal;” he pretends to walk carelessly about the stage, but is all the while looking earnestly for the pin he had thrown away, which he at last finds, picks up and sticks upon his Sleeve.)
Figaro. (To his Mother) Every thing is precious that appertains to a beloved object.—He picks up the very Pin, you see.
(All this while Susan and the Countess remark what is passing with laughter, and private looks and gestures.)
Countess. (Rising) Come with me, Susan. We shall soon be back, my Lord. (Aside to Susan) Let us make haste and exchange dresses.
(Exeunt Countess and Susan.
Crier. “Guards! Guards!—This way, Guards! (Places the Guards at the door, runs up to the Count) My Lord, here’s Mr. Basil coming, my Lord, with the whole Village at his heels; because he has been singing all the way he went.
Figaro. “Orpheus and the Brutes. But I’ll make him change his Tune.”
Enter BASIL singing, followed by BOUNCE.
Count. So, Mr. Basil, what is your will and pleasure?
Basil. “After having fulfilled your Lordship’s commands, by amusing this honest Gentleman——
Bounce. “Me, my Lord? I assure your Lordship he has not amused me in the least.
Basil. “I now return to enforce my claims on Marcelina.
Figaro. “Look you, Sir—Should you venture but to cast one look, or approach one step nearer that Lady——
Doctor. “Let him speak, Figaro, let him speak.
Guzman. “Oh f-f-fie!—What f-f-friends!—
Figaro. “I disclaim such friendship.
Basil. “And I——Error in Judgment, Mr. President.
Figaro. “He!—A Street-corner Ballad-Bawler!
Basil. “As good, at least, as a Barber-Surgeon!
Figaro. “Who hashes up a dinner out of Horse-hair and Catgut!
Basil. “Who has hungrily devoured Razors and Hones, and fed half his life upon Froth! (Imitates beating up a Lather.)
Figaro. “The high Priest of Pimps!
Basil. “The vile Drudge of Intrigue!
Figaro. “Execrated by those he serves!
Basil. “Gulled by his own Cunning!
Figaro. “So great a Fool, Knavery itself cannot make him thrive!
Basil. “So stupid, he never yet could invent a probable Lie!
Doctor. } “Hold, hold.
Guzman. }
Figaro. “A Pedantic!
Basil. “Pert!
Figaro. “Preposterous!
Basil. “Pragmatical!
Figaro. “Braying!
Basil. “Lop-eared!
Figaro. “Ass!
Count. “How now!—Is this all the Respect you shew?—
Basil. “You hear, my Lord, how he insults me! When, it is well known, there is not, in all Andalusia, a more eminent!——
Figaro. “Empty!
Basil. “Able!
Figaro. “Abject!
Basil. “Musician!
Figaro. “Miscreant!
Basil. “Is this to be borne?
Figaro. “Whose countenance prophecies of Pillories, Scaffolds, and the stretching of Hemp; and whose whole appearance is a continual Memento of public Calamity, Plague, Pestilence, and Famine;—A Misericordia, Sackcloth-and-ashes Knave;—A Scape Goat, that looks like a Jew in the yellow Jaundice.
(Doctor Bartholo and Don Guzman prevent Basil from falling upon Figaro.)
Count. “Do you think this proper, Mr. Figaro?
Figaro. “Why not, my Lord?—Let him listen to Truth, since he is too Poor to pay Parasites and Liars.
Count. “Silence, Sir!—Let us hear, Mr. Basil, what you have to say.
Basil. “(Composing himself) I demand the hand of Marcelina, my Lord, who promised to marry me.
Marcelina. “On what condition was this promise made?
Basil. “That I should adopt your lost Son, if ever you should be happy enough to find him.
Marcelina. “Well.
Doctor. “He is found.
Basil. “Where is he?
Doctor. “Here he stands. (Pointing to Figaro).
Guzman. “The-e-e-ere he stands.
Basil. “He!—Oh, my curst Stars!
Guzman. “Do you re-e-nounce your pre-e-tentions to his de-e-ear Mother?
Basil. “Renounce!—As I would renounce the Devil and all his Works.
Figaro. “What! Renounce your best Friend?—But that’s like your Rogue’s tricks.
Basil. “I will not live under the same roof with him—I would rather even quit the service of my Lord.
Figaro. “Don’t be uneasy, I shan’t trouble you long—Restored to my Parents, and married to my Susan, I shall retire and live in Peace.
Count. “(Aside) And I shall retire to meet my Mistress.
Guzman. “So every body is sa-a-tisfied.”
Count. Let the marriage Contracts be prepared, and I will sign them.
Figaro. Thanks, gracious Lord.
Bounce. And I will go and prepare the Fireworks in the Garden, near the Pavilion.
Count. (Returning) Who, pray Sir, gave you those Orders?—The Countess is too much indisposed to come out; let them, therefore, be played off in front of the Castle, facing her Windows—(Aside)—The Rascal was going to set fire to my Place of Rendezvous! (Exeunt).
Manent FIGARO and MARCELINA.
Figaro. How attentive he is to his Wife.
Marcelina. “It is necessary”—My dear Figaro, “I should undeceive thee respecting my former false accusations of Susan—Basil has always told me she obstinately refused to listen to the Count’s Overtures, and” I am both sorry and ashamed to have excited thy Jealousy.
Figaro. Oh, be under no apprehensions, my dear Mother; Jealousy is the foolish Child of Pride, the Disease of a Madman—My Philosophy is invulnerable to its poisonous Arrows. (Figaro turns and sees Agnes just behind him, coming down the Stage).—So! What you have been listening, my little inquisitive Cousin?
Agnes. Oh, no; they tell me that is not polite.
Figaro. Then what’s your errand?—He is not here.
Agnes. Who?
Figaro. Hannibal.
Agnes. Oh, I know that very well—I know where he is—I want my Cousin Susan.
Figaro. Aye!—And what do you want with her?
Agnes. Not much; only to give her a Pin.
Figaro. (Starts) A Pin! (Striding about in great anger) A Pin!—And how dare you, you little Hussey, undertake such Messages?—What! Have you learnt your trade already?—(Marcelina makes a sign to Figaro, who recollects himself, and endeavours to disguise his feelings)—Come, come, my pretty Cousin, don’t be frighten’d, I was but in joke—I—I—I know all about it; it’s a Pin that my Lord has sent by you to Susan.
Agnes. Since you know so well, why need you ask me then?
Figaro. (Coaxing) Only to hear what my Lord said when he sent thee on this errand.
Agnes. Here, said he, here, my pretty little Agnes, take this Pin to thy Cousin Susan, and tell her it is the Seal of the new Song about the Twilight and the Pavilion.
Figaro. And the——
Agnes. The Pavilion—And take great care, said he, that nobody sees thee.
Figaro. Well, well, I was but joking; go and execute thy Message faithfully, exactly as my Lord bade thee.
Agnes. Law! My Cousin takes me for a Ninny, I believe. (Exit skipping).
Figaro. So, my Mother!
Marcelina. So, my Son!
Figaro. Here’s a sweet Daughter!—A delightful Bride!—And will be a most virtuous Wife!——(Walking up and down with great agitation)——A false—Deceitful—I’m happy, however, I have found her out—I will detect, expose, and abandon her!
Marcelina. Nay, but gently, my Son, gently; recollect that Jealousy is the disease of a Madman, and that your Philosophy is invulnerable.—Fie! fie!—All this passion about a Pin!
Figaro. A Pin that has wounded me to the heart!—Didn’t we see the Count pick it up?
Marcelina. We did so; but how can we tell whether she means to deceive thee or him?—Art thou sure she will go to the Rendezvous; and wilt thou condemn her without hearing her?
Figaro. I am sorry—I am a Fool—And yet!—If she should be false!
Marcelina. Nay, but my dear Figaro——
Figaro. Well, well; I will be calm—Yes, my amorous Count, you will at least meet with somebody you don’t expect—If you do not make haste we shall be at the Pavilion, as soon as your Lordship!
(Exeunt).
The End of ACT IV.